Put new batteries in the TV remote. I am unstoppable.

About ready to take a picture of the lawn chair so you can see how much snow we got.

I saw a video of a lady doing a strawberry shortcake doll haul from an estate sale and one of the comments said, I vaguely remember them smelling like fruit. Vaguely? That’s their whole thing. And friendship, but mostly fruit.

People who love to tell you about their air fryer are the cross fitters of cooking

The Great Pistachio Shelling Injury of 2025.

You can fit more pie in if you orient the taper of the wedge properly

Thinking about how one Thanksgiving, even though she had a million things to do, Gram invited me to sleep over cause “everyone should wake up to the smell of turkey in the oven at least once.”

Cheeseball.

Sit. Thank. Attack.

my turkey day contribution: corn pudding!

An insulated gravy boat would fix me; I just know it.

sausage ball season is upon us

Dilemma: I can only find one pair of reading glasses and I need reading glasses to fix my reading glasses.

it’s a soup for breakfast kind of week

no YOU’RE skeptical

The last Saturday before thanksgiving. The one day you get to feel what it’s like if they combined mma with grocery shopping.

just remember, lettuce gets recalled all of the time due to e coli. bourbon never does.

I have to do an errand that I’ve been putting off for three days. Once I arrive there, the errand will take less than five minutes. But errands are contagious and I know if I accomplish that errand I will have to do several others.

What's something you never leave the house without? For me it's earrings & perfume. Oh, and the heavy burden of everyday anxiety.

When I’m buying Twinkies and Yodels it feels like I’m 16 again buying a dirty magazine

paid $1200 for the amazing camera on this phone so i could take pictures of the products at the supermarket and check with my wife if i'm buying the right thing and then keep the photo for 4 years.

Welcome to that time of year when hordes of grocery shoppers ask where to find the crispy, fried onions…

Nice commercial. I’d like to see the ground crew that could get 25 people’s sparklers lit in time for the bride and groom to walk out.

When it comes to gingerbread houses, it’s all well and fine until you get to the roof.

Happy Friday to everyone except able-bodied people who insist on being let out of their car directly in front of the supermarket entrance to save themselves a 40 yard walk.

I’ve seen fingerless gloves, but I would like gloves that are just fingers. I’m not saying they wouldn’t be hard to keep track of but think of the possibilities.

Lookit that shimmer

In my defense, I’m terrible at defending myself

The problem is we still call it healthcare. It hasn't been that, not really, not at their level. They didn't vote to make healthcare unaffordable, they're voting to make the unnecessary, extractive process more profitable. They don't see people, or health, or medicine. They see dollars go up.

Don’t make me per my last email you

Me and a new coworker were walking past each other. I saw her notice my sweater like she was gonna say something nice cuz she’s a complimenter and it’s sweater weather. So I took a glance at her sweater in case I had to respond in kind but then she didn’t and I didn’t. She’s gonna fit in fine.

You know you're old when ''I have to go'' stops reffering to parties

I’m starting to understand the guy at work who always wears black, I think to myself as I buy four more of the exact same shirt

If the dishwasher needs 4 hours to complete its cleaning cycle I expect to put in broken plates and coffee mugs and have them come out fixed.

They say 73% of all internet traffic is the result of bots engaging in malicious activities, so my bearded clam tweets are directed at only 27% of you

I accidentally looked a gingerbread man in the eyes at the store and it gave me the shivers.

like, cringe is now cringe. ok? by-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Just saw that gen z thinks using cash is cringe and it's official now, everything is cringe.

Garage dance party. Ooo I forgot I have those muscles.

You’re not mad at me you’re mad at your eyebrows.

Have you ever ended up hating a fellow shopper just because you encounter them in every aisle? Grocery store entanglement is a bitch.

You thought you were gonna have a nice Saturday? No. You’re going to two craft fairs, buddy.

As a stay home dad, one of my jobs is to keep my wife's stomach full and her uterus empty.

This is alternate text to a photo not posted

If you make it to the end of Candy Crush, the prize is Wilford Brimley talking to you about diabetes.

Looking at a jacket on Amazon and the pop-up question was Does it make crinkly sounds? Which I would not have thought to ask, but is a valid question.

A paywall to access a fried 'chicken' tofu sandwich. That's it. That's the joke...

My marriage is 50% love, 50% competitive parallel parking.

I mean all I really need is a bored CEO of some obscure company to stumble across my path while I'm shopping for mediocre ingredients to throw in my air fryer for a quick girl dinner to fall madly in love with me

Bought a present for myself, can’t wait to open it!