But were you ever brawling in the back of a pick-up truck, doing 55 mph down the highway, stupid drunk?

This is blackout poetry to me

alright fellas get out there and eat some pussy

*gets confronted by adobe acrobat reader for not making it my default*

sext is short for “Stop tEXTIng me”

My big natural venom sacs

hard to believe that steakhouses serve filets of those little yellow dudes from despicable me. delicious though.

me, myself, and my unobtainable standards

Can you claim your cell phone or tablet on your taxes, or nah?

i would again like to remind everyone that NEGATING A FRAME REINFORCES IT "he's not really targeting criminals" makes it an argument about criminality "this is a fascist attack" states what is actually happening START WITH WHAT IT IS not what it isn't

they're calling him the hair curler

Happy Valentine’s. I hope you get flowers and railed tonight

Shoutout to my grandma, who gave my grandpa the exact same Valentine’s Day card every year for decades. He’d read it, or convincingly pretend to, like it was brand new. She’d smile, take it back, and put it in the drawer for next year. Recycling. Romance. Ruthless efficiency. RIP, lovers.

if an adult plays the trombone in the peanuts universe it sounds like words

recently, my best, juiciest, and certainly my most faithful lover has been my morning naval orange

dying for a v-day update

Me too, bitch.

It’s so funny to think about the fact that there’s people out there deferring every life decision to this

My first crush was Mary McKenzie and one time in 3rd grade she stabbed my hand with a pencil and the lead is still there. My love life has been downhill ever since

My umbrella isn’t strong enough for this shitstorm.

be like a bird and wake up screaming

It was a simpler time

the three words she wants to hear

friday the 13th has the chance to do the funniest thing for humankind today

The number one rule of 1990s Hip Hop is when you use the word "Stylin" you must rhyme it with "Profilin."

Babe let’s just stop paying all these companies. They don’t deserve it

hard to believe that steakhouses serve filets of those little yellow dudes from despicable me. delicious though.

i bet it would feel so good if we could put our bodies into low power mode

and now for my signature move breaking up with you at the beginning of an hj

a guy who gets dumped in the middle of a couples massage

yeah i'm kinda going to insist on the guillotine

on some airlines, it is your flight attendants that have to pick this up. they walk by 16x collecting trash and you still gotta leave it on your seat. i think they should leave a note on your booking if you did this.

Jerry Lee Lewis having great balls of fire makes me feel even worse for his teen cousin bride. I think this condition in women is called labias ablaze.

pessimist: the glass is half empty optimist: the glass is half full optometrist: the glasses will be $700

he was so real for this

JUST IN: US judge orders Trump administration to facilitate deported college student Any Lucia Lopez Belloza's return reut.rs/4ah9SzV

if it wasn’t for bsky dot app i would’ve never remembered today was friday the 13th

nobody posted the clip anywhere so i went and dug the whole episode up

~ swinton is a great actor

I wonder what they do with the sleeves when they make a vest.

i’m sending you all one conversation heart each for valentine’s day so if you want a specific one lmk now

saving your most seismic farts for sex is a good way to ensure she never chooses the vibrator over you

Advertisement: "Give your Sweetheart some sweets this Valentine's day" Wilford Brimley: {disappointed sigh}

bro are you CRYING

love that our secretary of health’s brilliant plan for building up immunity is to snort cocaine off of toilet seats

my favorite thing about valentine’s day is masturbating while eating chocolate

Don't make me do it (press the button that says restore 68 tabs)

Reading through my posts and diagnosing myself as wifeable material

Lifting my leg up to fart like a dog taking a piss