Thin crust pizzas are great because I can eat 2 of them for dinner

idk i'm not a lawyer but i feel like shutting down an entire state's childcare payment federal dollars because a 23yo posted a tiktok feels like a certain lack of seriousness or due process

so when you jump out of an airplane you fall and you fall, faster and faster, until you reach terminal velocity and you can't fall any faster. and like.. can there please be a terminal velocity for how fucked up this country is? how are we not there yet.

I just wanna sit on your fa…..ncy furniture

damn. mark hoppus, you changed man.

"Stopping murder would kill the hitman industry!"

i’m going to end asian hate with herbalife

Always read the fine print.

I always shave my legs on NYE to make sure I start the new year with a clean slate.

is…is this a threat

These fucking people.

gamestop just offered me $11 trade-in credit for my 2002 pontiac grand am

not many people wanna play god's advocate and i think that speaks volumes about god.

ME: (first day practicing Bug Law) May it please the Court— BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.

Establishing dominance by taking the last piece of cake.

opening tinder in my hometown is like a fossil record of every bad decision I made between 2014 and 2019

how do foreigners raise a toast to the dead? "salud?" "santé?" "l'chaim?" that's a bit insensitive, no? righteously proclaiming "health!" at a corpse?

What’s the funniest reason someone got mad at you on Bluesky this year?

Erika Kirk posting a selfie with her husband's corpse with caption "bae caught me sleeping"

been thinkin a lot about boobs today

2025 in my rear view like blockbuster and call me unkind but there will be no rewind

Just discovered that I’ve turned who cares I’ll be dead by then years old

kids never made me late again

You should be able to rev your shopping cart at people in the grocery store

a horrible year is ending. it is now time for a horrible year.

These days the word kinky is more descriptive of my neck and back than my sexual exploits.

If you're seeing this, it's a sign from the Universe to see this. You're welcome.

Joshes are feral, Joshua's button their shirts up to the top button

(joseph rolling up his sleeves) three wise guys eh

3-way kiss with my incubus and the sandman when the ball drops

Anxiety is just having a whole conversation in my mind's backroom and it doesn't even need nor want my input or participation

*me, seconds after cumming really, really prematurely This is all part of God’s plan.

At my boyfriend’s hockey game, eyes peeled for evidence of post-game homoerotic tension.

They are able to buy medical debt for just over 1.5¢ per dollar. They spent 10 mil to relieve 642 mil of debt. Every state should be doing this and maxing it out within the debt relief org’s normal rules.

Everyone is raving about this show Proboscis or something

There are such serious divisive issues to be outraged by, but I think everyone needs to come together and fight the temperature changing 40 degrees in one day. We can all hate this equally, right?

naan sounds negative but it’s quite delicious

biblically accurate pigs in a blanket

sure sex is great but have you ever won your fantasy football league after making fun of how seriously everyone else takes it all season long?

(me making fun of your crop rotation idea and thereby holding our people back another 5000 years) jeff thinks the beans have to take turns lmao

I said manatee not matinee I see how they show up on time like long jokes when you're really ready to get it matinees don't so give me a manatee flexibility a floppy feel for words not a punctual punctuating perspective I peruse paradisiacal patterns beyond a frame while you call old films late

Toast is a vehicle for other foods. I will not be taking questions at this time.

One thought a day feels like it should be enough.

thinking about growing one of those mustaches with the curly ends but idk if i can handle everyone wanting to have sex with me

at least I can do whatever I want to you in my dreams

they should make a movie where Michael Jordan keeps getting taller and taller and at first he's happy because he can dominate at basketball again but then he gets TOO tall and can't fit in his house anymore and at the end of the movie he just walks off into the hills

Finally, an actual backbone. Good to see at least.