Easy, breezy, beautiful, BLASPHEMY

Would you even die in my stead, bro?

I didn't post all day because I came across the most incredible ballpoint pen, and I was unstoppable.

Is it deepthroat, deep-throat or deep throat? I want to get this obituary right

i always ask for non-virgin olive oil bc it’s a lot of pressure to be someone’s first

Fuck the rapture. I want ragnarok.

buying tylenol from your high school weed dealer

no stay strong don't give in to cuffing season

Don't drink too much milk or it'll give you lazy bones, like me

Fight, flight, eat everything in sight response

Oh I'm trying too hard to be funny? It's a compulsion actually. Bet you feel bad now.

near-death experience but with ads

Gonna use one of those religious sex blankets with the peener hole for my ghost costume this year.

Maybe if my mom had used healing crystals for the mobile of my crib, I would have turned out less evil.

Alright, let's choke each other

Raptured your mom last night

Whoa my cold dead eyes almost lit up there for a second, close call

I need a febreeze that smells like my dad's approval

bad news: i'm posting this from heaven and it's an HOA up here

You know what would really spice up this pumpkin?

saving my bangers for marriage

Wow I hope I didn't unsettle or creep them out (yes I do,stay away)

I forgot to make my sarcophagus this morning, how will I ever get my eternal beauty sleep

After the initial terror of him blasting through the curtain subsided, it was funny.

Coworkers are loving the recent hollow emptiness of my eyes

The foundation to a happy home isn't love. It's a strong base on stable soil, idiot.

I waited all day to pop this pimple so you could see be grateful

Like palm reading but using your battleship setup

Are there express lane tickets to the rapture? I'd like this to be over with quickly

can you please hold me down until I stop struggling

Call me Icarus the way I’m regretting these hot wings

Not me. I hope the email didn’t find you at all. In fact, I hope you’re living your best life.

What are you guys wearing to the rapture? Are we going for casual or slutty?

Looking forward to another good day, eventually.

"Up the wazoo" implies there is an opening and I will find it. -me hosting a travel channel show

Silently sits in the Bluesky corner watching, but paying no attention.

I'm like if a really sleepy person were still sitting up fighting it

*building a tiny gym* Sorry I'm just working out all the bugs

You're the two halves to my hole

Looking at you from across the room biting my lower lip and swallowing it whole

*sitting on his face* Do you think I’m difficult?

Jeeeeeez don’t be offended I was just trying to help by dismissing your pain and insulting you.

Passing off my picked scabs as beef jerky for Halloween this year

did it hurt? when you fell. we all saw

ME: sorry, I’m ticklish NAIL TECH WITH A BLOODY RAG TO HER NOSE:

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

barely legal olive oil

I got bit by a radioactive pot head and that's how I ended up like this