HEARTBREAKING: bsky account that was in the process of making a valid point fucks it all up with an ethnic slur

this is one of those speeches they’ll talk about when they talk about speeches that were very good

cuomo looking at his phone on the toilet rn

curtis sliwa looks like a scenario boss in command and conquer red alert

wearing a black beret tomorrow in remembrance of curtis sliwa

curtis sliwa voters in shambles

my beautiful aloof wife

i’m the zohran mamdani of wet soups and slops

the government (me) has activated the soup season protocol

🚨🚨🚨 a handmade tomato soup has hit the stove

ok seriously which one of you fucked with my clocks

a fine day to play arc raiders and ignore the impending responsibilities of the week ahead

as i suspected you’re godless

you’re just so jojo - leave (get out)

fairly certain none of you have met god in his kingdom

(to my arresting officer) yeah you’re gonna wanna come back with a warrant once you see this *holds out phone*

does anyone have the real-time location on the smurfs

fraid not. fraid so. either way i am afraid

is electricity kiki or bouba

plumbing sounds like glug glug glug wiring sounds like nenenenene does that make sense

i’m studying the humming from the electrical wiring in my walls is anyone looking into this?

joe flacco implies the existence of joe gordo

i’m pledging allegiance to ur vibe babe

a caked up himbo that can pronounce all the hard dinosaur names

why would i want to be the bigger person? science has shown us agility is more important when defeating your opponents in combat

As John Fogerty once said, Big wheels keep on toynen Proud Mary keep on boynion

I don’t mind cooking dinner every night, but I draw the line at having to choose what to cook for dinner every night

computer, set post audience to 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘳𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘨𝘶𝘺𝘴

it’s awesome how the only thing accomplished here is looking like an out-of-depth child, poorly dressed in adult’s clothing, attempting to do gotcha journalism …which is her entire brand (whether she knows it or not)

contemplating the reunification of the two koreas

the phrase ‘let’s touch base’ should be punishable by law

also i’m not sad i’m just very aware of everything all the time forever

i don’t want to ‘seize the day’ i want to place it gently back where i found it and go back to bed

i had a dream last night i met zaza binks who is just jar jar binks that sells weed

coworker: do anything fun this weekend? me, trying to think of something besides smoking weed and watching youtube reviews of the arby’s steak nuggets: mostly just chilled

the problem with “living in the moment” is that everything sucks at the moment

doctor: so basically, just listen to your body and you'll be alright my body: chips chips chips chips chips chips

experience ego death? sounds expensive

throwing some cake crumbs on the floor for my roomba’s birthday

my love language is being left completely alone with a snack nearby

i think about medieval peasants a lot. not fondly, just competitively

after i watch a scary movie i have to put a picture of a security guard on my ipad and let it watch me sleep so I feel safe and protected

i’m wanted for several crimes in and around roku city

i love when someone says “no worries if not” immediately after creating a brand new worry

“microplastics are this generation’s asbestos” i stammer as they apply 250,000 volts of electricity to the chair

my haters are roasting me at a low temperature to preserve my tenderness

she's beauty she's grace she's piss united states

i don’t want a vacation i want to be lightly sedated and placed beneath a tree

a petting zoo where you get to be the animal

gone off the two low dosage melatonin gummies