Tell me, where did you study, Doctor Beat?

If he hasn't, then it's explicitly within the rules to be racist

Helmut Kohl is short for You Must Wear A Helmet To Mine Coal, with a slight accent

Paul Bunion was a foot guy

i told my dad i was switching his phone to dark mode and he said don’t do that i need to see happy things

“She says she doesn’t want to fuckin’ talk to you.”

They trained an AI on your boyfriend's posts and it deleted its own code

Still trying to process the irony of the owner of a top flight football team saying there are too many foreigners over here, taking our jobs

Truman Show: a man finds a great new binge watch; his own wacky life!

Thought I'd found a Sasquatch but it was just a massive hairy bloke with huge feet

Do you even have a rich inner life, bro?

They should invent a deodorant that doesn't run out until you've done both armpits

Nice stations. Panic?

Bro, it's a yes or no question

My school didn't have a chemistry teacher, I don't think we could afford alums

*blowing dust from an ancient and delicate scroll* 📜 Verily, thoust shalt give it to Big Sam until the end of the season

I hope this graph makes my life better

If you get good abs from fucking, it's called a sex pack

Person: I wish this one thing could be slightly better in this one specific way Online lib: What are you, fucking six? You idiot. Things have to be shit, you fucking twat, don't you get it? Enjoy the camps

Describe your Bluesky account in three words: Silly horny breakdown

I was an army chaplain and let me tell you, those soldiers do not like it when you mess around with a cane and a little moustache

Your opinion is important to me. It's important that I don't have to hear it.

Groimes, I carnt get moi knoife out of the wall

I'm working on a passion project (making this sandwich)

Winter Olympics events should include scraping ice off your windscreen, getting dressed under the duvet because it's freezing, and making soup.

Me: hey windows can you delete this file please Windows: you got it, j-... omg there's actually a program using it right now Me: omg who 😳 Windows: omg I can't say 🫣

Just in case you wake up in Belgium a hundred and ten years ago?

The main job of a police commissioner is blowing smoke up a captain's ass due to a detective's renegade ways

They’re doing their best 😭

I've considered it, and the hype is fucking bullshit

I've finished speaking, please respond. Haven't you had a conversation before?

Girl, are you Garth Brooks? Because I don't want to listen to you and your hat is fucking stupid

Got some three a side Schaller locking tuners for sale if anyone's interested ebay.us/m/2tR5f4

They should make it really tiny to begin with so it's easier to make it grow

Call me Bon Jovi cos if I'm going down there's a blaze of glory

COLUMBO: My wife, she loves your games. The sunken ghost ship level. It’s her favourite MARIO: Thank-a you! C: Just one more thing. Now you say your girlfriend, the Princess, was kidnapped by Bowser, your enemy. And yet you were go-karting with him this morning? M: What’s-a your point, Detective?

These days, they lock you up and throw you in jail if you mechanise the means of production these days

The fact that they don't is corrugatekeeping

Can I get a latte to takeaway please? Sure, what kind of milk? Horseshoe crab

I drew a face on a paper plate. Who could even begin to understand how it perceives the world or what it dreams of?

There are much easier ways to stir porridge

the monster and another monster were in the closet making abysses and i saw the abyss and the abyss looked at me NIETZSCHE: the abyss looked at you?

And if you listen very hard The tune will come to you at last Rob, you're right next to the stereo mate, just fucking turn it up

No new pictures. Where are you mentally?

*extremely Jackie Mason voice* And that's just the cabinet

me to the mirror every morning

Chat, is it good when the safety researcher quits because it's too dangerous?

Wake and bake and make mistakes