He looks like he looked into a cannon just before it went off, like a cartoon

a sleeping bag that's a big burrito that you squidge into

Done fuck all today apart from play guitar, but I can still say it's been manic here today. So that's good.

My mother's got some cinnamon that's still fighting the second world war

Very funny to be a trillionaire yet still so repellent that you need an ai girlfriend

Enjoying a leisurely drive on the highway of the imagination

Girl, are you Jerry Reed's solo in Sugar Foot Rag? Because I think you're incredible and I can't get my head around you.

You want me to stop being sarcastic? Oh yeah, suuuuurrree, that's a REALLY great idea, I'll make it priority one

Why is Josh Widdecoombe allowed on the radio? He sounds like fucking Zippy

Where's your fucking poppy?

Sticky dairy product called AdCheeseive

"Very bland, just how I like it. Next time I must try the omelette"

They shouldn't make turkeys wear perfume imo

Me, flirting

Imagine a guy having diazepam and a sleeping tablet and still being too agitated to lie down though. What a loser, I hate him

Ex: you’re stupid Me: you’re proof

I'm not naming any names, your parents already did that part

Annie Lennox needed a special permit to look this hot #NotTOTP

Imagine saying no to Kylie. About anything. Could never be me #TOTP

Mike Read goes into the barber Barber: what haircut do you want? Read: yes #TOTP

Null AND void? In this economy?!

Eels! Finally #TOTP

Deetah and Geetah #TOTP

I was worried there'd be too many good songs on #TOTP tonight. Phew!

Stephen Gately, more flats than Birmingham council

Interesting, you say you hate capitalism and yet you have a job? Curious 🧐

Janice in the streets, Miss Piggy in the sheets? Is this anything? X

Miss Piggy is the sexiest Muppet, Janice is the hottest. Welcome to my TED talk.

It's funny there are two UB40s, when one was already too many

I got no rice for me curry, but luckily I'm not UB40, so I don't have to write a shit reggae song about it

I look very smart and handsome today, considering

Ooo members daylight? What were all tharrabout?

Them: What do you do for work? Me: No

It would take 1.4 billion cats stacked on top of each other to reach the moon. But I've never been able to stack more than 3 or 4 cats so I just don't see it happening

Me waiting for the bus omw to kick your ass

Omw to steal your girl

Glad of this warning, they just offered me outside for looking at their bird

Cleansing tears of frustration free with every Lee Harvey GP appointment, I'm so glad I signed up

Yer da's willy is an innie

Good vibes for my GP appointment please. I'm so ill they're double teaming me. Gold star service if you sing and talk in wacky voices at your previous appointment.

Can a middle aged man wear garish hi tops? The answer is yes, but you'll hurt your back a bit getting them on. You're 45 though, you really shouldn't care if other people like your shoes. x

I don't care what you call me, as long as you call me

I'm Gen X and this has made me apoplectic

“Stop getting Alan wrong”

Someone on the radio just did Alan Partridge, but they said "Ah-Haha!" Day ruined, going back to bed, hate world, revenge soon, take out on everyone...

What do you want for tea, lad, fish and rice cakes or rice cakes and fish?

*muffled club noises coming from behind the court* Your honour, the jury is out out

This was where I first became aware of Joe Marler, and I've adored him ever since. youtu.be/C8VRk2ViiOw?...

ManifestNo, more like #satire #politics