Candle play? You mean wax on whacks off?

make a movie druggy Hunt For Red Octoblunt

If you die, you die in real life

Rapture was rubbish. Crapture.

Springsteen's birthday today. A good day to remember the time my mate couldn't remember his name or nickname and called him The Job.

Strepsils give you scoliosis

Them: Never say never! Me: You just said it twice

Get raptured? In this economy?!

What in the Nana's slippers is going on here?

Hello! You're through to the magpie hotline. Please listen carefully to the following menu options: Press 1 for sorrow 2 for joy 3 for a girl 4 for a boy 5 for silver 6 for gold 7 for a secret never to be told Or stay on the line to speak to an operator. Your call is important to us.

Cos everyone fucking hates his guts and no one will work with him, or because it's already been made, or because his head is so large and bovine it requires employing round the clock cattle handlers? Fuck off.

subtly downgrade a band: They Might Be Above Average Height

No man is an island. I'm a tombolo at best.

Growler Pines, tho

Lamb and coal dust

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

I'd like pay tribute to Charlie Kirk, but he was a fucking horrible cunt and I'm glad he's dead so I can't

Same vibe

Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's adult onset cradle cap

Nice bow. Tell me, is there a Mr Pacman?

🎵Everywhere you go Everybody knows Badger loves Exhumation🎵

The inverted commas make this feel super ominous

Round my parents for a traditional Sunday roast (my mother saying awful things to everyone, thinly disguised as humourz although mostly not disguised as anything, just rude)

You know what really floats my boat? The JML BoatFloater 3000, as seen on TV

Many people think that the sound at the beginning of ‘Dance Away’ is Bryan Ferry lighting a cigarette, but he was actually just undoing the velcro on his little trainers

Saw this and now you have to as well, sorry. I don't make the rules. Or memes this shit and baffling* *ymmv

Started a fight club, but it's really hard to get some word of mouth going

What's your sign?

Nobody's blue da ba dee ba ba da ba da dee ba anymore and that's sad

Don't talk to me until I've had my morning leave me alone for five to seven working days

drop some telephones

Was sent an old school photo yesterday (no, you are not seeing that particular bowl cut) and when I was showing my merciless teenaged daughter, she misheard Chris Peters' name as the nickname Crispeater and mocked me for the shitness of it.

I've been in the brewing business 31 years, can I suggest sir tries a delicious hoppy lager style beer called Carling Black Label? Pardon? Oh, you think that stuff is piss? Have you ever had an American brew called Budweiser? Wait, don't leave, I can offer you a pint of woosh? Sir... Sir...

I think it might have been Kevin Humphreys, but I'm not some fancy investigation doing police guy

Mostly home made mixtapes in the car. Can't remember much, but it was all decent. Blondie, Tom Petty, Kinks, Ramones. I still make compilation CDs for the car actually, it's fun to look back on old ones and see what you were listening to at the time.

Nice try, but you can't make me learn the difference between Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel

Sad about Robert Redford, contemporary of such acting giants as Jacques Renault-Bleu and Harry Purplemini. We'll never see their likes again.

Robert Deadford

It's a terrible shame Charlie Kirk got shot in the neck. But to be fair to the shooter his face was a really small target.

The right nutrition is key

Autoglass repair, Autoglass replace

I'm not racist, some of my best friends are Linux distros

If we were involved in a bus crash, me and my mates would have broken the glass with hammer, I can tell you that much

Keir Starmer will be along shortly to say he sits in front of a big white chalk horse every day because he understands legitimate concerns

story idea the earth gets sucked into a black hole (who cares) and ends up in a starless part of space billions of lightyears away bc it's a wormhole (who cares) and people have to try to survive on a suddenly cold dead planet and also there's vampires now bc no sun it's a horror

My favourite coach that sounds like a Catholic priest giving a blessing

The Three Bean Salad episode with all of Sean Bean's alter egos is fucking hilarious. Makes me weak every time.

By age 33 you should be completely inept, dumb ass , can't open up, falling a lot, tripping on shoelaces, forget to tie shoes, start wearing velcro shoes, trip on other crap, fall and hit face on pavement, blood everywhere, bleeding face

Am I a people pleaser? Your mum's a person, ask her 😏