I can count on one hand the number of times I've eaten uranium. Eight.

Face down ass up dentist furious

saying my worst fears aloud in a foghorn leghorn voice

When they say "look elsewhere" do they mean "not directly at Canada, which is on fire, this is fine"?

Pillsbury Oh boy

Oh you love soup? Name three chowders

Fell off a balcony while doing a risk assessment of it, it's health and safety gone irony

Fixing shit

Big tiddy army boyfriend

The ultimate wife guy. I knew his hair would look like that.

I'm a lifetime peer. Pooper too.

Saying that out loud will summon the nearest cat

Surely everyone on here is thirty or forty years old and doesn't need this

Just had a rocket lolly in the garden. Absolutely ten on ten decision.

A hyphenated last name, but you pronounce it "minus"

Just seen inside my legs

americans can't stop eating vegetables, even at the risk of explosive diarrhea. are we too healthy?

Uh, Shaggy

Anyway, wish me luck for my scan please and thank you 🙏🏻

My letter says my appointment is at 04:20PM, which is not a time

Found a joint in the hospital car park. I hope it's weed 🤞🏻

I'm living in my own Private I Don't Know.

Post your O face

Ed Davey dressed like he sells carrier bags full of dubious meat out the back of a Luton van on market day

How magnets work *is* bonkers, but they work when they're wet like

One day I hope to have the same confidence as those people that use the petrol pump that’s on the opposite side to their fuel cap.

Medical-procedure-in-the-late-afternoon day-long anxiety and I wake up at five it is. Awful tired hoss

Dinosseur is actually a Provencal stew

if MS Paint gets married she should keep her last name

I would never lecture you *opens 49 slide PowerPoint* let's examine why

bartender: why the long face? me: i just had it lengthened

I was jabbing the ceiling with a broomstick to tell that deaf old bat upstairs to shut up and set off the fire sprinkler. Then Mom kicked me out for flooding her basement.

Your boyfriend looks like he's never painted a mist coat

Asking myself the eternal question: why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?

My electric bill grew way more, so

She one on my two til I testing testing

Very Cool and Normal

Only 4 hydration breaks until Christmas

kinda miss when you’re not around ~me, to the moon

Today's badge

Got a scan today on my *extremely fragile racist Morrissey voice* varicose veins, varicose veins, varicose veins

Playing an unexpected round of what's that smell in the kitchen. I'm losing.

Football's sneaking in the back door with a ludicrous cover story about taxi flat tyres and a loose cow

Blue Monday, although it probably feels like more times than it is because it's interminably dull

Fucking on the arcade floor sofa tonight

Chomping on corned beef on the pampas tonight

Masturbation? You do you, I guess

all these grown ass men at the pokemon vending machine, so much husband material 😍