(raising my voice to talk over the bar music, but it suddenly cuts) I SAID I PUT SOMETHING IN YOUR DRINK

we could have lived in the "bronze age," or the "iron age." instead we live in what will be known as the "10g of protein age"

you work all day while your boss is online googling stuff like "profit synonyms"

lol

autocorrect changing a word even though what you typed is a real word, and the one you wanted. okay. but fixing it, only for it to re-autocorrect after you've added some more words is maddening. developercaust now

think of how good ernest hemingway's books could have been if he'd listened to a playlist called '1am lofi study session' while writing them

israeli super villain who's so ugly he drives superman insane

horrors beyond the human imagination

bro you look incredible. have you been eating protein doritos or something?

babe, get in here. there's two jakes

if you aren't a curly fan when you're young you have no heart; if you're not a shemp fan when you're older you have no brain

on this episode of Naked and Afraid, they just stuck a newborn baby out there in the woods. it's not even afraid yet...

the boys from brazil? you're going to have to be a little more specific!

the president is getting absolutely beasted on by dementia

awesome, dude

this is how i look the entire time im out to eat at a restaurant

hey man is your hairline a digital archive of the internet? because from here it looks like the wayback machine! okbutstill media enterprises™

final season of the boys drunpf is on notice. 😹😹

jesus christ he's turned british

Full circle liberal that starts saying he’s using the files to distract from Iran

just realized donald trump's name has "rump" in it - which is essentially the word butt. that's insane

every song used in sopranos should be considered off limits for use in future tv shows.

elissa slotkin should tweet and i should drain my 401k lol

this is how you should speak to the project managers at your work

2017: the news is looking rather grim, but your ninja creami deluxe is only three stops away 2027: the news is looking rather grim, but you spotted a plump rat for the first time in days

finally a feel good politics story

gas station attendant: it's a air fryer. it fries the air. anton chigurh: you don't know what you're talking about, do you?

(using jedi mind trick on doctor) actually, i'm *under*weight

i can't imagine how bad things would have to be going for me to watch the malcom in the middle reboot

billions is one of the best mid-tier shows ever made

stop, your blueanon aunt really can't take another let down

crime 101 is a baffling movie. they set up one character to be semi-threatening to chris hemsworth, then they have him beat that guy up at like the midway point. there's literally no threat for the second half of the movie.

(same air temperatures as the cretaceous period) you're sweaty because your clothes are basically plastic

mayor: welcome to our post apocalyptic town. you will be safe here forever. survivor: awesome. random question, you don't have a mad scientist hidden away somewhere doing dangerous experiments on the zombies, right? dr. prometheus: ah! sorry to interrupt, i'm doctor viktor prometheus!

wow, thank god we use sunscreen now

she's going to give birth to a puddle of molten tar

artemis capsule destroyed by jealous God

we like to joke about xi saving us, but in reality he should wipe every single one of us out, just to be safe

white people don't say "cool story babe now go make me a sandwich" anymore they say "heaven forbid a white boy get a little motion"

they're lying to you. rice is a vegetable.

due to a small mathematical error you guys are gonna miss the moon completely. yeah, hurtling through space forever, sorry about that.

artemis astronaut interview: i can tell you, seeing iran and the united states from space. it really put things into perspective. i mean, we gotta have that strait by any means necessary. even nuclear. even a neutron bomb

11 rounds to the torso

excellent, the only guy in the world dying more than donald trump

it sucks that nick nolte talks exactly like rfk jr.

kind of fucked up there isn't a single fat guy astronaut. and don't act like you have to be lean to be in space.

your reward for making a good movie is that you're forced to make worse versions of it forever

yep, this has been the show's missing piece since the beginning, some guy

reports indicate the president absolutely ruined the bathroom at the supreme court before he left