Interpretive dance, for when you don’t have an answer to a question

Tomorrow at work, I plan to go in drag and by that I mean, go in drag the boss out to the parking lot and beat him with a floppy rubber chicken.

You guys have seen those TMobile commercials with Billy Bob Thornton talking about “in the middle of nowhere use our satellites.” Yeah, that’s a lie. I was able to connect once to respond to a text “in the middle of nowhere.”

Stop sacrificing yourself just to keep the peace.

Rubbing two stones together should make a rock.

Tossing cookies means something totally different amongst The Keebler Elves, but bring Scope.

New Jersey Gov. Mikie Sherrill couldn't get into the Newark ICE facility despite wearing her best clothes, thus proving the adage, all dressed up and Newark to go.

"I'm sorry. I just don't think we're working out." - My Body

*eats a peanut butter and 50 mg black cherry gummy sandwich for lunch*

Jesus fucking...really?!

metallica cover band called apprentice of puppets

If McDonald's were to sponsor an indoor sports venue, then they could call it the McArena and the crowd would be all 'Hey McArena (ay)'. Actually this is a terrible idea. Keep scrolling.

Nobody goes home alone on ABBA cover band night.

I want a hot nickname like “Mr Worldwide” but I’m not allowed to ride my bike over the bridge

The barista is beautiful like Lupita Nyong'o.

I posted and am awaiting thy dopamine.

Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. (Inspirational)

I really enjoyed your zen post. Perhaps you can hear the sound of my vigorous one-handed clapping?

Me in my Bluesky bubble

schadenfreude (noun): the joy derived from watching someone you despise trying to pronounce the word ‘schadenfreude’

The dandelions have grown abundant and are taunting me.

People who are ugly on the inside are shiteous

There's only one guy willing to carry my bag of golf clubs when it rains. He's my shower caddy.

sorry i missed your wedding but i swallowed wrong and was coughing for a few hours

oxymoron yes i am

nutrient-infused fudge

let’s drink ensure and go injure ourselves on the slip and slide

Our government has become so corrupt that there's nobody left to investigate the corruption

any funeral can be a murder mystery party if you get creative with corpse placement

to keep up my pants of fire

The concept of reincarnation was just ancient Indian tech-support advice to “Turn it off, then back on again,” to see if it fixed things.

When my sister was pregnant, I was very unc becoming.

It was the best of times, it was the David Schwimmer of times.

I may not be here all the time, but when I am, my posts flop.

Tried to start a small business but I couldn’t find any dollhouse-sized office furniture.

Thanks to aging and gravity’s cruelty the groove is now in the colon

Mom: You say some weird stuff on Bluesky. Me: Yeah. That’s normal.

You're every bit as beautiful as you ever were [derogatory]

fred flintstone: yabba dabba doo! neurologist [to wilma]: as i was saying, we need to run more tests

enjoying my boobs while they’re still hanging around up front before they decide to go off and live in my arm pits

if you think about it, a house is just an elaborate blanket fort

Blanket forts are the staycations of glamping

me: hi, i wonder why lawyers don’t call their apartments ‘legal pads’ my gynecologist: what

I have bad luck taking care of things. A friend left me a copy of his living will but by the next day it had died.

I checked all my plants for condensation this morning. I did my dew diligence.

I would pretend I'm a cloud, but I have a stratus fear

I'm not proud of what I did, but that was the best Klondike bar ever.

Me: this is the worst escape room ever Her: so this a parent teacher conference…

PLEASE NOTE: if i am watching a video and an ad pops up that means the video is over. thank you for your attention to this matter

*trips on “Caution Wet Floor” floor sign