If you're lousy at spreading mortar, you might as well throw in the trowel.

I don’t think it’s fair that we can’t be skinny and healthy by eating bacon every day

The desperate attempt at humor will continue until the world is no longer so heartless and grim my god it is so grim

Adam Driver as the next Bond

This can't be the same brain that knew all the channel numbers

Weird how when I set aside marginal ideas to ‘marinate’ they seldom get any better, they typically just get soggy.

oh noooo i misplaced my thesaurus im feeling disoriented, lost, adrift, discombobulated, bewildered, unsettled, perplexe- oh wait there it is nvm

If the first astronaut to land on the sun doesn't say "Mission Control, I am now walking on sunshine and don't it feel good," they should not even bother.

there should be a “hiding in a nebula” in real life

I still remember screwing up on my first day at McDonald's. I thought that the ketchup went on the hamburger. Fortunately a kind coworker told me how to smear it all over the bun and the wrapper.

As if your headache isn't bad enough now there's teeny tiny words on the label of the painkiller that you have to labor to read when you want to know the dosage.

Is it normal to see a pink coffee cup singing the praises of decaf? The plaid rhinos say it is, but I don't trust them.

one time i sneezed and got 22 "bless yous" so yea, i guess you could say im pretty religious

I make up in my head how someone feels about me and believe it.

What does it mean if your farts open a portal to Hell?

baja blast bidets

not to brag but I can tie a cherry stem using only my cherry stem tying machine

I listen to sports talk radio while doing my morning arabesques.

My truck is 20 years old. I refuse to grease the cruel wheels of capitalism. Also, I have no $

Is it markwaynes or markswayne

I’m not playing, I am legit hard to get.

Making friends at the bar by drinking cider and calling myself a pommelier

life’s too short not to spend a little time harmonizing with other humans

I bet calling it a “solar system” gave the sun a big head

Always a humbling moment to lose an argument with a Labrador retriever.

Not now, Babe. I've got to gulp down this tangy psyllium husk before it gels.

a gofundme but for reposts

When Michelangelo got too old to care for himself, his kids put him in Asistine living.

I'll play nice only if I know I'm winning.

i am only interested in content destroyers

I want to see the charcuterie board before I get into the van.

hey keep it down 🤫 I’m yearning

Just a spoonful of wasabi helps the medicine burn down🎶

I want to stay home and talk to my dog about squirrels

If there's another name that screams more than inbred, genetic misfire, fuckstick like Markwayne, then I haven't heard it. Yet.

Me: I’m not a hoarder, your honor. Judge: Your saved tab says you are.

I hate people who act like they're smarter than me just because they went to a fancy college and have a higher IQ and are gooder at thinkings.

The music at the pharmacy includes the chorus, "C'Mon Babe. Gotta to get moving." I guess the people working here don't pay attention to the lyrics.

Members of two 80s ska bands recently played soccer against each other. When it was over, The English Beat The Specials.

We may disagree politically but we are all of us fascinated by parasitoid egg casings laid on the back of a tomato hornworm. Let’s build on this

it should be written pairendthisis

[breathy voice] 🎶 I made it through the wilderness*...🎶 *Dunkin drive-thru

(looking at my Rolling Stone album covered in moss) Jimi Hendrix lied to me

Don’t let today go by without saying I love you to your typo

me, opening my junk drawer: *sees 30 year cable charger that i haven’t used in 29 years* also me: don’t throw it out you might need it

record co. ceo, 1973: record sales are down. you’re toast Bread: what

🎶 Stuck tubes of pasta on a plate and called it macaroni 🎶

Panic! in the panic room. fully expected

need a word worse than nazi

this is a test of your mute function