I have decided I would like to have a great time, sometime soon, in some way, shape or form

Just asked my wife to give me a sneaky handjob in public and on second thought “I bet you can’t pull it off” was a terrible choice of words.

Me: Why were my tests so expensive? Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art. Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor? Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

Sometimes what the doctor ordered is a nice lil beige meal

if you’re gonna drive me crazy we might as well take the scenic route

Wounds heal. Love lingers. We die.

Sausages and peppers, what have you been up to?

All goals can be lofty if you store them in a hayloft

How dare you alter the sacred lyrics to Itsy Bitsy Spider for a commercial about itchy, itchy skin, you greedy, greedy drug company

Wife: I'm going to call my sister in Germany. What time do you think it's there? Me: Stop. Hamburg time. Wife: I'll call her tomorrow.

Applying for my dream job in a sleep clinic.

“i fold,” said the poker player & the laundromat guy & the origami artist & the dems &

Sorry I can’t go. I have horse rehearsal. I have rehorsal. We rehearse the horses, all kinds. Usually there are a few of us at rehorsal and everyone has different kinds of horse for it. For horse rehearsal. Rehorsal

*getting hit in the face with a shovel My god, I love you.

"Murder, She Carved Into The Lid Of Her Sarcophagus"

My son asked me to explain why the song Cat's in the Cradle reminds me of our relationship but I said "Not today" and he said "That's okay."

I hope our pathetic “left” is elected in a sweep, let’s protest them too. Let’s open all the files.

Why is it called a lie detector machine and not a defibillator?

me: i’m such a flirt danger: please stop

godDAMMIT

Honestly I’m still sore from the monster mash.

might fuck around and hum some Christmas music today

Them: read it and weep Me: that’s ok, ill just weep

[movie studio] ME: BUT HOW DOES THE INVISIBLE MAN KNOW WHEN TO STOP WIPING? TOUR GUIDE: *into walkie talkie* code orange, he’s back.

Prince Will won't say it publicly but he is looking forward to one day being king. You can almost feel the excitement in the heir.

Please stop emailing me. OK… but it might take 10 business days

MY EDITOR: I think you need to make the main character more human. He's just completely unlikeable. ME: *taking back my autobiography* Um...

One of the skills I put on my resume was the ability to keenly observe other people working.

I get we're all pissed this morning but let's not lose sight of who the real enemy of the people is.

I like to rob banks with someone and then split the loot by tearing all the bills in half haha they get so mad

I've always believed in the spirit of cooperation since I've been known to cooperate fully with authorities.

it’s the 21st century and you’re telling me we haven’t been able to come up with any deadlier sins than the original seven? what are we even doing with our lives

“Raw milk from a woman is safer than raw milk from a cow because udders are 4 inches from the anus.” - me arguing the raw milk people on Reddit & the point where I realize I should delete Reddit from my phone

I'm gonna make it to the singularity still typing with only like 4 fingers

GOP wants “Newsies” again.

I've written the book on getting out of jury duty titled Now, If You'll Excuse Me.

People keep asking me if I am enjoying things-- my day, an event, or the weekend-- when I am literally just trying to survive these things

Changes my ringtone to porn background music.

Courtney Love never played with her idols, Ann & Nancy Wilson. now there’s a Hole where her Heart used to be . folks,,

If fuckface actually had a face it would be Stephen Miller

it’s a P2P life

sometimes i get all sentimental about the human race but then i talk to some of them and it’s like oh yeah right

"This was only $6 at Five Below" is why I have trust issues.

I can’t stay mad at the man who wrote boom boom mancini and gorilla you’re a desperado

sunday gloomies can kiss my arse

Snug as a bug or possibly on drugs, it’s hard to say.

I’d rather be in pain than even a little bit sticky

the important thing is that Waldo finds himself

Support your local flaws, imperfections, mistakes and food banks