I came here to smoke weed and lure woodland creatures into my yard, so I'm smoking weed watching woodland creatures in my yard

Well, this porch swing isn't going to swing itself my dog waiting for me.

There’s only one logical thing to do now. Eat cheese.

And a blessed Holey Loaf Day to you as well

Greenland is prepared to destroy its runways if the US invades and I'm ready to tear up my driveway if another clown uses it to make a U-turn.

“this too shall pass”, i say when i notice you’ve been holding the blunt too long in the rotation

If you play a playlist backwards nothing freaky happens but you do start the day waving a lighter in the air and go to bed pounding on the steering wheel

there's only one direction to head in when you see someone you know while out shopping and that is any other fucking direction possible

I’ve got to teach my kids about “Laverne & Shirley” because they won’t teach it in school.

in space no one can hear you complain about how your neck is aging terribly

don’t shout into the void, cats don’t like that

Love myself? But I’m not even my type.

doing the no kings march today to avoid the crowds

Chill with a daffodil (or two, three, four...more)

I didn't want to depend on US-censored news so I googled "how to watch BBC" and immediately got content so bold my red wine blushed.

My body is a collaborative effort between disgust and distrust.

Here, the kids go to Build a Bear. In Brazil, they go to Wax a Bear.

Why's it called the unintended side-effects of an ADHD drug and not co-Adderall damage?

my favourite dairytale is the one about mozarella and her two ugly stepsisters haloumi and gorgonzola

Why can't I have the kind of anxiety that makes me clean my house instead of the kind that makes me scared of going out with my friends

Having a pet is constantly having your heart melt at how precious they are and then calling them a big stinky piece of shit

The annual migration of me cussing indoors to me cussing outdoors has begun.

Remember kids. When asked to help move a body, don't ask questions. Just keeping digging till Daddy's fifth mistress is buried in the swamp.

The '70s we're a different time. Alligator lizards roamed free in the air. In the air.

•trying to make friends with kids• what’s your fav vegetable

Saw so many great signs at the protest yesterday but my favorite was the ominous gathering of ravens who blocked out the sun and whispered to us that our end was nigh and also an adorable puppy named Teddie who was carrying a squeaky ball

Failing spectacularly at finding an equilibrium between staying well-informed and maintaining good mental health.

I’m ’makes a noise like a small distressed dinosaur whenever I stretch’ years old.

*eats a peanut butter and 50 mg black cherry gummy sandwich for lunch*

Me: I love serving food at the restaurant but I need a leave of absence. Boss: Your job will be waiting when you return. Me: Well, duh, isn't that what I do already?

I was gonna stay low-carb for the weekend, but my Instacart shopper has other plans for me. Having shopped for me twice before, he texted to let me know my favored brand of corn chips are BOGO, and that the 28oz Haagen Dazs is 47% off. Ours is a love meant to be. 🔥🖤

do you ever watch a show like bridgerton or downton abbey and think there’s not one comfy looking piece of furniture in any of these rooms

“Actions have consequences”, I tell myself as I steal another penguin from the zoo.

Close. But you should probably get a math tutor.

If Jack Nicholson was born in 1937 and his sister is his mother and I’m 10 years older than he was in this picture, how old am I?

getting my freak on one leg at a time

you’re a good van, charlie brown

i'm the type of person that leaves myself a note by my wallet so i don't forget something and when it's time to go i see the note, proud that i reminded myself and then crumple it up, get distracted and totally forget about it completely

I don’t mean to stereotype but the driver of that Crown Vic ahead of you is going to pull into the convenience store for smokes and scratch tickets

Happy 58th to Lucy Lawless, the inspiration for The Beatles "I Just Xena Face."

My favorite part of The Godfather is when the godfather looks right at the camera and says "I'm the Godfather."

I vote Democrat because they more closely align with my values of diversity, equality, and the uncanny ability to shoot oneself in the foot repeatedly.

Q: what do you call a dinosaur that likes Mexican food? A: Trex Mex

You know you’ve mastered passive aggression when you can ruin a man’s whole day with a sigh. Just a little exhale. pffft. Suddenly he’s defending his entire life’s choices.

Gonna meander about all day with a coffee cup in my hand and pretend I know things

Forgot to Take Meat Out of the Freezer, a memoir

I did it all for the cookie

I think we could make each other quite paranoid

Tell your colleagues you died to avoid having to deal with their requests.

Slept in a Depeche Mode shirt and woke up with my own personal Jesus