theres a three legged dog for adoption that requires you to have another dog to be his emotional support animal and i think thats the sweetest thing ever

Lee Press-On Cerebral Cortex.

One thought a day feels like it should be enough.

Is it too early for Christmas music?

Alibi buddies and chill.

A lot of people expect more from Chappell Roan than they do from their own elected officials

My depression isn’t seasonal, she’s here all year round.

*exclaims fuck you like pew pew

Who Forgot to Put the Silverware Away: A Knives Out Mystery

Witches' tits: surprisingly warm

Best Star Trek crew, wrong answers only

I don’t own any big fluffy sweatpants and I don’t like this about myself.

My resolution is to be less delightful

I’m not late, time is wrong

declining the happy birthday for tomorrow that apple put on my calendar

Why's it called breaking into a wooded area illegally and not forest entry?

I've been a fool and I've been blind…

that rickety stall doesn’t seem very stable haha homonyms amirite . wait. i mean synonyms . haha synonyms . ah fuck lemme try this again . that rickety stall doesn’t seem v

Some people confuse vasectomy with castration, but there’s a vas deferens between them.

roses are red, now they’re trying to conceive,

Doctor: Unfortunately the implement slipped while placing your valve, leaving behind a small groove. Me: A small groove where

scrooge: you there boy, what day is it? boy: why, it’s december 28 sir scrooge: then why the hell are you popping fireworks already?

I hate when people go, “oh, you’re gonna get along so well with whoever, because you have so much in common.” I know what I’m like, and I hardly think I’ll like another fucking “me.”

a spinoff called Perfect Stranger Things

Just got a front end alignment and tire rotation from my psychiatrist.

The best way to resolve conflict is to take a deep breath then vanish into the woods.

“Guess what? Chicken butt.“ was six seven for Gen X

I’ve traditionally avoided getting a case of the Mondays by limiting myself to purchasing single serving containers.

Hayden Panettiere admits that it wasn't until she was in her 30s that people stopped mistaking her for the Hayden Planetarium.

There’s still time to accomplish your 2025 resolutions. For example, I still have a few days to make Margot Robbie fall in love with me.

I've been waxing my car for years, and I still don't know karate

I'm doing so little that my family held a mirror up to my nose.

marketing a clue to target billionaires

Gen X rawdogging is sending a fax without a cover letter

So, today I tried making coffee with Redbull. Are the walls supposed to be made out of raspberries?

my kid is gone for the night and it turns out she was my entire executive function.

Did you hear about the passing of Bigot Bardot?

I’m mailing in the rest of this year but I conveniently forgot to sign the back.

The toilet paper dispenser placement in my bathroom is proof bad things happen to good people.

a hug from your therapist is called a shrinkwrap

one day my kids will take away my phone and put me in a home and then some poor underpaid aid will have to listen to me say things like jorkin it or gooning

The only way to nonviolently resolve conflict is secretly recording the other person saying the truth and then playing that recording for everyone else… preferably in a public setting that embarrasses the person.

2025 in my rear view like blockbuster and call me unkind but there will be no rewind

Life is what happens to you while you're folding laundry.

Ever wake up in a corn field while wearing a wedding dress next to a shave gorilla? If so, might want to avoid Vegas for a bit.

people don’t eat enough artichokes

You claim you're illuminating with petroleum? I think you're gaslighting.

Tbh I truly don't care how many books a person read in a year or how they were consumed. It feels like making reading a competition, when it isn't. I don't care if they are counting DNFs. I'm not gonna tell them how to track. It doesn't affect me at all. I'm just proud if people read in general.

threw my Greek yogurt out once i found out i wasn’t invited to its big fat wedding