Me: Ya know, the phrase "jump the shark" actually comes from an episode of Happy Days. Young person: What's Happy Days?

Every SCOTUS ruling feels like America slowly writing its own obituary in Comic Sans.

I'm glad Jimmy Kimmel is back.

They’re only going after Tylenol because the president of the United States can’t say acetaminophen. 🤦‍♂️

FACT: If you don't ask for butter on your toast, but the waitress brings butter on it anyway, God won't let the cholesterol harm you

Due to a near death experience/afterlife mix up, I can attest: Doggy Heaven is real.

If the rapture’s tomorrow, I’ll need a fluffer.

Nana’s cookie tin filled with assorted wooden toggle and shank buttons was endlessly fascinating, until I discovered a small matchbox filled with nicotine-stained nail clippings among them. Haunting.

Jimmy Kimmel is being brought back for the same reason he was suspended: Corporations only care about money. Which is why boycotts work.

With the Mayan apocalypse, I wasn’t 100% convinced so I didn’t go all in. This time? This time is different.

I'll be at Costco tomorrow for the rapture because once everyone else is gone, it'll be naked sample day for me.

- Did, you try that new mushroom coffee in the breakroom? - I did. - What did you think? Do you want some more? - No, I made enough for the rest of my life and it's all in this cup.

The bay leaf is the tequila worm of cooked foods

Welcome to our company website. Here's a picture of us smiling and laughing in one of our collaboration confabs. If it just looks like a business meeting and not six pals in a trendy coffee house just enjoying each other's company, our web designer has fucked up again.

The phantom of the opera glasses gave me conjunctivitis.

“Shhh… You’ve gotta hear this guitar part.”

Finally got my nightmare fuel all in a row

My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.

Was going to purposely wear glasses that weren't my prescription, but I'm told by my PR department that would be bad optics.

Beeswax? More like BOOswax kitchentableworks.etsy.com

After 12 years of working as a caterer at weddings, I’ve learned one thing: people love mini quiches.

I’ll talk about my root canal like I landed on Normandy Beach.

Not just Unpopular! He's also the Most Unworthy-Unqualified-Unethical-Uneducated-Unprepared-Undemocratic-Unfortunate-Unhinged-Unjust-Unread-Unappealing-Unconscionable-Untrustworthy-Unscrupulous-Unstable-Unbearable-Unlikable-Unreliable-Unsound & Unctuous President in Modern American History. 🇺🇸 🙄

Get your brunch on

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

Earth, Wind & Fire came on while I was in the shower last night so I got out and put my panties on just so I could drop them

Me: "May I get two scoops of cookie dough?" Waiter: "Of course- do you wanna spoon?" Me: "Sure, what time do you get off?"

Vote with your dollars.

Oh my gosh, Trump’s ballroom is going to be lit.

There are so many good people doing good things every fucking day and we’ll never know a thing about it. Add that into the mix when the assholes get you down.

“Look kid, it’s simple. The faster you get the tire changed, the faster we get to your friend’s birthday party. It’s really up to you. I’ll be in the car.”

ooh look horsies! wait are those... horsemen? 1, 2, 3, 4? it's probably nothing

Society was better off when computers weighed 50 lbs and it took 10 minutes for one photo of naked boobs to load

Very little matters. If your basic needs are satisfied and you've got a few people who you love and who love you, you're doing quite well. Also, always have a pet if possible.

Nope, sorry. Too subtle for me.

As soon as this cheque clears and the edible kicks in it’s all over for you

I just ate a huge salad and now I have the lettuce sweats Said no one ever

its not a proper fantasy book unless there's maps in it. at least one nice map

AI therapist also wants me to “cut to the chase.”

Host: Let's play Wheel Of Ornithology! Me: Are there any jays? Host: No sorry Me: I'd like to buy an owl

I asked myself, “what would Jesus do?” and the answer came right away: heal the blind man.

Dream a little dream of getting hit by space junk.

*yawns so hard I fall off the couch*

we may all be flailing helplessly but dammit, we're cute as fuck

LMNOP is a “mean girl” clique who all think the rest of the alphabet is cringe. When read aloud, treat them as one word, and move on ASAP.

Jerry has a pacemaker, so I like to chase him around the office with a big magnet just to keep in line.

“Work wife” not sure she ever work loved me. I’m a work mess.

Told my kid that the place where they train racehorses is called a gymneighsium and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

You ever audition for real talk, brutal. I played Shakespeare's reverse reverse psychology in high school and just lied there