It was a Bitter divorce

Scrolling..I smell toxic positivity.

M-m-morning Kitten

“You should leave him, Tracey.” “I know, but-“ “No buts.” “He can be so sweet sometimes.” “You deserve better, you’re a catch.” “This is why I come to you, Donna.”

Thinking about learning to lasso. All you have to do is wiggle some string until a cow goes in it

If I was a rich man, I’d get somebody to biddy biddy bum for me.

Doc tested my skin turgor and identified a rare condition called Silly Putty Syndrome (SPS). Explains why my left elbow broke out in Andy Capp this morning.

On further reflection, the friends we made along the way sucked too.

America is now the world’s longest-running episode of “Jackass: Oval Office Edition.”

is it illegal to eat Doritos in a castle or just highly frowned upon

I have a special mortar and pestle for when your skeets get too wordy to snort

Such a happy Cow getting her favorite cookie 🍪

The Television Academy needs to give the daytime guest Emmy to John Oliver immediately youtu.be/xTJ_tGeLRvU?...

"That's how I roll," I say with swagger, knowing full well that I have never "rolled" in my life.

You beg to differ? Show some pride, man.

If you leave a 2024 or newer car alone for a few days, it'll beep for your attention until you give it scritches.

A $3 @mta.info subway fare and some good Q train timing can buy you one hell of a view of the July 4th fireworks and the Brooklyn Bridge light show! Huge shoutout to the train operator for slow rolling over the Manhattan Bridge and the conductor for announcing it.

(phone at 3%) (plugs it into hot dog)

Sorry I thought your toupée was a tarantula. I learned that from the Three Stooges

Those saloon fights are all well and good but I can’t help but think of all the broken furniture and window sashes that will need attention

legs for days is just another weird american unit of measure

I keep a pair of jorts in a pocket of my cargo pants just in case I'm ever invited anywhere fancy.

youtu.be/DXAidGQUuns?... #musicsky

"Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?" I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

I raised eyebrows for naught; there’s no market for them.

It goes like this the 4th not 5th, and Jaws is on, your spirits lift, but you never found that anchor suit now did ya

Every 4th of July while we're just farting around, @pamtoo.bsky.social is out here doing the Lord's work: re-posting hot dog skeets.

250 years ago today, Jesus gave birth to a pile of guns

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

I don't know about good and evil but that is a battle inside you for sure. It seems to be fairly low grade as far as struggles go, are you here to master opposing types of meditation for creating no chill content

setting out a jar of mayonnaise for uncle sam tonight

Possibly my fav song. Top 3 deffo

Nobody cares where I'm at more than the grocery store website

You can enjoy a TV show without understanding the deeper themes or experiencing the cultural context or learning the characters' names or paying attention to the plot or looking up from your phone or being conscious

People who turn the temperature down even further when it's unusually hot outside because they don't understand how a thermostat works.

Just invented a new kind of toaster that follows you from room to room and reports all your activities to The Monolith. All traditional models of toaster will be phased out over the next 3-4 minutes. Consumers are excited to submit to The Monolith.

The effective way the clarinet player does a musical call and response to the singer is just mesmerizing. "Tu vuo' fa' l'americano" by Renato Carosone: cover by Hetty and the Jazzato Band, an Anglo-Italian jazz quintet. @Rainmaker1973 #globalmuseum #music #jazz

Close your eyes and imagine the thing you want most in the world. Now imagine yourself achieving that thing. Now imagine a worm wearing a shoe. Now do a cartwheel.

WIFE: [Watching Breaking Bad] So Walter dyes the meth blue so people know it's his? ME: Yeah Sharon, he's a drug...tealer HER: Get out.

I got way too much lotion on my hands and unfortunately I do not have a penis

Fireworks, because stupid people don't need 10 fingers.

Real Butter doesn’t give a fuck whether you believe in it or not

magical book spines for my fellow bibliophiles

Cafeteria ladies gave me extra cobbler on the reg.

I only purchase small antique dolls so I have a fighting chance when they come alive at night and try to kill me