PSA: When the weather gets cold, people often forget about hydration. Remember, you should be drinking at least three glasses of gravy a day.

I've been married many years but I have to face up to it. I occasionally glance at other ladies' bums. I think we should go to counseling.

Gonna go lie under a tree and hope the falling leave smother me

I was helping my son with his english homework and I told him that a smidgen was a small pigeon so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Everyone in the carpool sitting silently in the car with our eyes closed for 10 minutes before going into the office

Anything can be a pet. A squirrel, a dung beetle, moss. The key is, they can't get away.

The tagline “Fill it to the rim … with Brim” was changed after multiple scaldings led to a spate of lawsuits. However, “Fill it about 2/3s full and consider using a saucer …” lacked oomph and the brand disappeared entirely by the mid-90s.

I’m a black Muslim female who happens to be a left handed dentist. I’m pretty much a walking hate magnet.

Stung by the tepid response to my Toaster Gravy™ idea on Shark Tank.

Buy none, get one, flee Recompense for your excellent name

Your backsplash shouldn’t aspire to being Kafkaesque, Brenda.

Whereas I want my tokens to fung.

It'd be great if all the baseball fans would extend the same courtesy of tolerance to other groups when they celebrate their interests. You're not into Taylor Swift's music, or Eurovision, or whatever? Just smile and enjoy seeing other people having fun.

Growing up my dad always said, "If you're cold put on a jacket. The heat doesn't come on until Dec 21" Now, as a grown adult who can turn on the heat whenever I want, I do the same thing. Last year I didn't turn on the heat at all. He would be so proud.

Babe, of course I love you. I made you a lightsaber video.

The Calico Wall - "I'm a Living Sickness" [USA, Spooky Garage Psych](1967) https://redd.it/46ixll https://youtu.be/vG235IO_V9g

Remember to set your hope springs eternal back an hour.

Don't forget to put your clocks in the microwave for an hour tonight.

Performing my tune “There’s a Stetson on Granny’s Nightstand” at the senior center proved ill-advised. A bit on the nose?

I've eaten enough candy to kill a Victorian child

"🎵When you're a Jet, you drink cabernet, but you can't have it yet, the steak's on the way!" (Sound of silenced pistol)

When I hear “fantasy” I don’t think “football.” I’m thinking more “zero gravity threesome with chocolate sauce.”

I neutralized a knife-wielding meat sommelier at Golden Corral.

Forgot we were having Diane’s memorial on Halloween

Every time I notice a surge of new followers I immediately consider posting even more dubious content than usual just so that people will then question their judgement.

Somehow I always thought that being on the right side of history would probably feel better than this.

And live deliciously.

The CARFAX report weaved such a compelling backstory for that 1982 Renault Fuego, how could I resist?

Every dollar of SNAP benefits generates $1.54 in economic activity. So the elimination of the program is only good for people who hate the poor and downtrodden and want them to starve and die. Please wake up America.

The top three things Jesus was on about were feeding the hungry, healing the sick, and welcoming the stranger. Rich men have convinced so-called Christians to starve the hungry, gut health care, and deport the stranger to enrich themselves. It’s astoundingly anti-Christ.

I read a book about quantum thingies once. Maybe the prize is mine

Happy birthday to @hwinkler4real.bsky.social, who is 80 years young today! Here we are at the 1977 Golden Globes, just a little bit younger 😉

All this exercising and eating right is really puttin' the squeeze on my joie de virve.

what does it mean if your first thoughts of the day are “kibbles n bits n bits n bits.” Asking for a friend.

“Love” has always been a difficult word for me. Also, “quinoa.”

Hot singles in your area are excited about soup weather.

The weapon used to kill Lizzie Borden’s parents was a shingling hatchet, not an axe. Perhaps the whole thing was a roofing mishap.

Hey, my sister and I were raised by a hardworking single parent who also received food stamps. Pound sand, fucking haters.

"There's no real bubble," says Powell, relentlessly blowing more hot air into the mix.

Once again, the invitation to go skinny dipping was merely a ruse to steal my car.

Stepping on a Zen garden rake launched me into a fit of sanguinity.

As your bowling alley manager, I ask you to come, my children. Come and partake of the communal shoe.

i don't understand why they're called the toronto blue jays and not the toronto baseballs. i'll never understand it. same with the dodgers, they should be called the baseballs too. more people should be like me and speak out when they see that something is wrong

Please stop saying “I don’t know who needs to hear this.” No one does. This is the internet

This fall on network television: Watch HOA, right after DMV, and sandwiched in between 2 FBI’s.

"Dude, you're crushing it!" I tell my buddy who is most definitely not crushing it.

That Halloween party where I dressed up as Godzilla, got a little drunk, broke into the miniature golf course and beat up the little windmill.

This is the man who bizarrely mocked Adam Schiff's neck.