Off-camera, Paddington’s marmalade habit a lot less adorable.

Humans and bananas share 60% of the same DNA. That explains a lot.

'Events, as one grows older, first stand out in relief, and then start whizzing by like a deck of cards. Spoken words, felt emotions, actual situations - all lapse almost immediately into a dry, theoretical vacuum.' Plath <Aug-1951>

Even misery hates a pop-in.

History repeats itself due to cognitive decline.

I don’t go to church and God and I are both aware of why.

The guy who invented beef jerky must have been some piece of work.

Wow your fridge opens itself that's like the opposite of what I need

1956

this is the most thrilling Pop-Tarts©️ Bowl i can remember

You should work for the Huffington Post because it seems like you're huffing a ton before you post

Compass sounds like two bodily fluids. The sisters forbade them.

Many sought to emulate the success of Famous Amos™. None failed as hard as Anonymous Hieronymus, however. Sold to passersby from his grootmoeder’s potting shed on the outskirts of Utrecht, the taste of his appelstroop cookies was described as bleak. Netherlands-level bleak!

You don’t have to buy gifts for anyone when you believe in Santa.

If Paddington is on TV we watch Paddington!! Christmas begin!! 🎄 🐻💖

Remember: There's always strength in a union. Solidarity.

Merry Christmas you happy bastards!

Merriam Christmas

Chlora: "chlora isn't a common English word but relates to the Greek root chloros, meaning "pale green" or "greenish-yellow," Septic: "means related to infection/bacteria causing decay (putrefaction), often implying pus or infection" They named their product Greenish-Yellow Infection

"Here tell how you came on soundin' real harshly"? I'm going to need Barbara Billingsley to translate this for me. youtu.be/U7130XgPFm0?...

If Network NEWSCASTS, and their Late Night Shows, are almost 100% Accurate about a Pathological Liar and Convicted Felon who Incited an Insurrection, tried to Steal a Fair Election and is Covering up Sex Crimes against Children, shouldn't his Disgraceful Presidency be terminated? I say, YES!

Very few people have given the world less while taking more than Russell Brand

I experience an acute sort of combination anaphylaxis and gastritis whenever I accidentally stumble upon a photograph of Russell Brand.

On Christmas Eve I like to get drunk and steal a donkey for my wife, just like Joseph did for Mary back in the day.

The older you get the more you stare into the toilet bowl afterwards. Searching for death.

Morning.

A percentage of you is left but you never know how much so you charge here and there with activities or rest, or else some actual indescribable plug. I bet if you did try to describe it I'd get at least 8%

When someone gets water down the wrong pipe and starts coughing I say "rough day at the orifice?"

No better way to improve your poll numbers than by directly attacking United States citizens and garnishing their wages.

Every day I just barely resist the urge to pick up my cat and pretend to play her like a set of bagpipes. She will never understand these sacrifices I make for her.

Gifts for those of the Utilitarian faith

Gluttony's only a sin if it's shellfish

I stay hydrated with coffee and the ice that melts in my scotch.

CBS NEWS: “We can’t report on the current murdering spree until we get the serial killer’s side of the story.”

If this doesn't motivate you to vote in the Midterms, nothing will.

sometimes the rock and the hard place are both incompetent people and i have to be soft for em both

Eating competitions are barbaric. That is no way to enjoy 60 hot dogs.

Parents eventually explain to their kids that Santa is simply not real. I say, invite their friends over and break the news to all of them. Throw in, “And everyone you know and love will die.” Make it a ‘pox party’ of bad news. Serve snacks.

Home again, home again, jiggety-jog? Not with my plantar fasciitis.

if social media has taught me anything... i’m unaware of it

everytime that Klondike jingle came on, my mind went to drumsticks bc I’d do something for one of those

Tonight’s dumb napkin cartoon…

Whenever my postman delivers a package he says "My quest has finally come to an end" and I reply "And so the deed is done" and then we both grip each other by the shoulders and weep together with cathartic joy

“Know what I got for Hanukkah?” “What?” “A new vacuum cleaner.” “Well, that sounds nice!” “Eh, it’ll probably just gather dust.” “Haha! Good one, Morty!” “Thanks, Irving.” “You should go tell Saul that one.” “Good idea! Be right back.”

A tiara, supportive shoes and nothing else.

Psst. I know a short-cut to Tipperary.