“You’re gonna love this, Janie, I’ve seen it like a million times. Believe it or not, my Uncle Larry actually had a bit part in it. They shot it in his old neighborhood.”

That lamp looks PISSED.

“Hello, my little friend.” “Um, hi.” “See that lady holding the camera?” “Yeah?” “She leaves for work in an hour.”

Did we have a good time at our friends' house last night? Let's put it this way--we were over there until 9:45 pm. So yeah, you could say we had a good time.

i’d take up fencing but it’s not for the feint of heart . folks,,,

People keep asking me if I am enjoying things-- my day, an event, or the weekend-- when I am literally just trying to survive these things

I don't delete my bad posts because why should I suffer alone.

warby parker sounds like an asshole kid at a boarding school

The sequel to The Breakfast Club is called The Early Bird Special Club.

I'm never at my best this early in the millennium.

The easiest way to get rich is to hyphenate your last name. Seriously, do you know anyone named “Smythe-Follansbee” who doesn’t have millions?

You don’t suffer fools gladly? But sir, may I point out that you’re on social media voluntarily?

“Listen Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

“Hello, my little friend.” “Um, hi.” “See that lady holding the camera?” “Yeah?” “She leaves for work in an hour.”

That lamp looks PISSED.

Whenever someone new comes to the house, Clyde always likes to show off his mailman collection.

me: *waxes poetic* poetic: just leave a landing strip

it was love at first sight

I found out recently my husband has been emailing me at the wrong address for over 4 years

I used to think I had a pretty good grasp of fundamental science and math, but now I simply don't understand how turning the clocks back just 1 hour can make the Sun set 3 and 1/2 hours earlier than it did just last week.

Everything was already possible, modern times doesn't even need itselves. I asked the muses if it was okay to say it that way and they hired a muse of red underlining

My son asked if I could pack the same snack in his lunch again and I said, "Oh, wow! So you liked it???" He replied, "No, I hated it, that's why I want it again." It was quiet in the car for a second, then he added, "I'm working on my scarcasm."

my cat is going through a divorce, but I know he’ll land on his feet

If you make it to the end of Candy Crush, the prize is Wilford Brimley talking to you about diabetes.

I don't want to "drill down," or "circle back" I want to go to sleep on the floor

working in aviation has its ups and downs

is it take a nap, it’s take a nap isn’t it

is it bananas, it’s bananas isn’t it

[interview with a vampire] where do you see yourself in 105 years

my head is like a pinball game but there's a monkey with cymbals having a dance party while jumping on the bed and he fell off and broke his head, over and over. what I'm trying to say is I sure play a mean pinball

COKE: is pepsi okay DR PEPPER: *removes surgical mask* we did everything we could

If you have a regional accent, please never try to get rid of it. Accents tell stories.

i’m doing balloon animals for the party tonight hope everyone likes worms

BREAKING: The mitochondria have released a statement they are ending their long running symbiotic relationship with humans, citing "increasingly poor use of the energy we provide".

jeff goldbloom: thread

sharkira, shakira: thread

Her: Were you just singing to the cat in an Ethel Merman voice? Me: You’re home early.

Haha no kids Mickey was born 97 years ago. He's a mouse. He's dead.

it was love at first sight

I dare that tough guy Sandwich Man to throw a double meatball sub with marinara, sautéed onions, and melted mozzarella at my mouf

Let's let bygones be blood feuds.

me: *waxes poetic* poetic: just leave a landing strip

Whenever someone new comes to the house, Clyde always likes to show off his mailman collection.

Most potential pet owners consider things like breeding, size, coat, intelligence, trainability, and temperament. Often overlooked is the crucially important element of aerodynamics, which can greatly affect your gas mileage, raising the overall cost of ownership significantly.

the free sample lady must have called them when i wouldn’t leave

*walks into a Bath & Body Works* one working body please

“You really shouldn’t be doing this,” he said to himself as he continued to set his coffee down in an unnecessarily precarious position despite countless other alternatives being within arm’s reach.

If it was over then, it's not all over now. In confetti terms it's celebrate continuously. Be regretted, be all over the place, be too impossible to be all gotten. Floors though. Like I'm not living cluttered to the fullest

Just saw that gen z thinks using cash is cringe and it's official now, everything is cringe.

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.