“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.” “Just ignore him, sweetie.”

someone should probably check on hank

To be fair, it’s a little unreasonable to specifically demand to see proof-of-life from Mitch McConnell when we haven’t seen it from most members of congress in years.

pls preorder my book “i’ve got screams they’re multiplying and i’m losing control”

no joke, the people who didn’t see the rise in fascism happening in this country obviously don’t live in a neighborhood with an active hoa

This day in history. 2009. Jackson Browne settled a lawsuit with senator John McCain who had used Running on Empty in a campaign ad without permission but said he knew nothing about it. So I'd like to ask him how he "approved this message" then, wait is he the one who's only pretending to be alive?

I preordered the 2027 road atlas.

Pretty sure I know who’s winning the Taylor Farms peace prize this year

I like to measure temperature by using the lengths of greyhound tongue. Today was nice, only 1/2 inch of tongue outside

Today we're making art with hot irons set down on the wrong things, watch how an ironing board collapses dramatically as if the idea of soulmates was wrinkle free

he thinks you’re the pope ?

Me: i'm just here for shits and giggles Taco bell employee: *passes me my order* can't promise you the giggles

me: we should try tantrum sex her: you mean “tantric”? me: *stomping foot* NO

me: *screaming into the void* the void: this could have been an email

If you’re dragged kicking and screaming that counts as multitasking, right?

To be fair, it’s a little unreasonable to specifically demand to see proof-of-life from Mitch McConnell when we haven’t seen it from most members of congress in years.

Back in ‘84, Motörhead played a show in Cleveland so loud (130dB, a world record) that the venue itself started to disintegrate and fall down. So no, however loud you’re being right now about *gestures at everything* you are not being loud enough

someone should probably check on hank

MISSED CONNECTION: You were leaving the dog park, I was arriving. Our eyes met... There were sparks. I need to see you again. My chip # is 148A27J98614Z. Have your person track me.

“Everyone say cheese!” “Cheese!” “Cheese!” “Cheese!” “Cheese!” “Fuck you, Theresa.”

Our shadows cast a medical examination and we took in the room with anticipation and professionalism. It was a reaction we should have perfected for when that light asked us if wavelength could be like, you know, lengthened

INTERVIEWER: you mentioned that you’re bilingual can you give me an example ME [in spanish]: no

hey, remember: don't eat anything and don't breathe

Jason @benedictsred.bsky.social and I were watching England v Argentina this week, when my mom spotted David Beckham in the stands. She quite seriously said, "Is that Burt Reynolds?," at which point Jason replied, "Bend it like the Bandit," and that's really all the World Cup news you need

Sick of my turtles kicking the shit out of me and eating all of my pizza

hello jimothy

I am 47 and still hide my tattoos from my parents, I don't know why you would want my advice on anything

Every time I see someone post “IYKYK” I read it as Goofy laughing

my neurologist: you’ve got some nerve me: huh ? my gastroenterologist: you’ve got guts me: ok my breast doc: you’ve got quite a pair me: thanks ! my podiatrist: you’ve got 2 left feet me: ew my shrink: that’s a wrap me: what

It is July 17, 1994. I am wearing Ray-Ban Baloramas, a bunch of woven leather bracelets, and a fresh tattoo. I do not know that this will be the zenith of my cool.

People join a gym for lots of reasons, mine was the heavily subsidised bar.

me: I’m starting to connect the dots museum guard: step away from the painting

If a car with an automatic transmission wrote its own life story would it be an autoautoautobiography?

still enjoying the birthday present i got myself one year ago

This day in history. 1100. Crusader Godfrey of Bouillon, king of Jerusalem, died. The Arab historian Ibn al-Qalanisi reported that Godfrey was struck by an arrow while besieging Acre, cut up into cubes and stewed with some onions and carrots. Seems about right.

canadian forest fire smoke is still a less grievous export than Nickelback

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me. *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes* Well that sucked.

People should come with dashboards so we can see what warning lights are on before we take them for a spin.

sticking it to The Man by watching 3 consecutive Antiques Roadshows before going to bed at 8:30 on a saturday night

when i said leave your troubles at the door i meant don’t talk to me about your troubles

Fruit flies are qualified for their AARP cards at day 10.

cashier: did you find everything you were looking for? me: *gazing melancholically into the middle distance* I thought so, once

interviewer: tell me how you go about setting and achieving goals me: well I always start by consulting with my squad interviewer: your . . . squad? mom and dad: *wave*

This day in history. 1940. Adolf Hitler ordered the British to surrender. They refused. He felt a little foolish because he had turned out for the occasion in a bespoke Isle of Skye kilt and a silk topper by Bodmin of Vigo Street.

me: we should name our first son Blake wife: but he’s been named Jeff for the last 24 years

“Everyone say cheese!” “Cheese!” “Cheese!” “Cheese!” “Cheese!” “Fuck you, Theresa.”

MISSED CONNECTION: You were leaving the dog park, I was arriving. Our eyes met... There were sparks. I need to see you again. My chip # is 148A27J98614Z. Have your person track me.

i went in and asked them what i could get for fifty bucks and they told me that rosebud was a sled, bruce willis was dead the whole time, and that soylent green is people

when in rome

am I well connected? sure, almost nothing ever falls off