“Your grandmother worked very hard on it. Just one more, then you can take it off and go play with your friends.”

“So I says to her, I says, Bernice, I think we should see otter people. Ha! I guess you had to be there.”

“Sorry ladies, things got a little bumpy back there. If you want, we can turn around and go look for ‘em.”

is it go there, it’s go there isn’t it

why is that financial company called Schwab & not ǝb ?

People who think that there are paid crisis actors protesting are out of their fucking minds. First of all, there are a lot of really terrible actors out there. Second, if an actor really did get a job as a protestor, people would know about it. They’d be hashtagging that shit.

Still holding out for a dating app that allows me to force suitors to duel to the death

We’re currently in that section of the history book with a map and bunch of arrows all over it

when you guys refer to a mutual's post while talking to your IRL friend do you say, "my friend said..." or are you normal?

I vaguely remember voting for people who were supposed to do something in situations like we are in now. I wonder what happened to them. Oh well. Maybe I just imagined it.

Finally had my last words sealed in a time capsule so "It's my time to shine" will be someone else's time to shine

Why is it called “animosity” when humans are far more likely than animals to hold a grudge?

Thanks for putting Comedian after your name so I know.

I finally went into a pawn shop and was surprised to learn they had just about everything except pawns.

“I knew I should’ve taken that left turn at Albuquerque.”

I thought I lost my mind, but turns out it was just in my pocket. Wait… nope. That was my keys. Carry on.

This day in history. 1993. It was reported that scrambling NBC executives offered David Letterman the Tonight Show, expecting temporary host Jay Leno to quit immediately saving the network 10 million for breach of contract but Leno was hanging by his talons outside the window and heard everything.

[after my first set as a stand-up comedian] me: man, I can’t believe I died on stage tonight St. Peter: I know, and to be honest your act was awful too

“Sorry ladies, things got a little bumpy back there. If you want, we can turn around and go look for ‘em.”

When I said “let’s circle back on this after the holidays” I thought it was apparent I was referring to Groundhog Day, Valentine’s Day & Presidents’ Day.

Sorry I got confused and yelled “Red rover, red rover!” when your family joined hands to pray before dinner.

“So I says to her, I says, Bernice, I think we should see otter people. Ha! I guess you had to be there.”

He moseyed over, dragging a lawn chair behind him. Unfolding it, he settled in with a contented sigh. He pulled a cigarette out of a crumpled pack and lit it, taking a long, slow drag. Exhaling a stream of blue smoke, the eleventh ant muttered under his breath, “Fuck your rules.”

you’d think she’d look happier

Praying for someone else's sins is the ultimate "I'd like to speak to the manager"

I was holding a bottle of Paul Newman salad dressing when my niece asked me who Paul Newman was. I told her he was an actor, basically the Brad Pitt of my mom's generation. Then she hit me with, "Who's Brad Pitt?" If anyone needs me, I'll be at the senior center eating applesauce.

My parents are divorced so we have two January 6ths

condo handyman, checking out my basement leak: it could be coming from here. or here. or here. or here. or here. or me: here ? condo handyman: yes. or here. or here. or here. or me: here ? condo handyman: yes. or here. or here . or me: here ? condo handyman: yes . or

Stolen velour, is that a thing?

There’s something to be said for having nothing to say.

Just farted myself awake like some golden retriever

New year new mental health deductible

The upstairs window, such a classy idea. Dream about it from anywhere. I gazed at the eaves from a square in a star so dead I only looked out with a whisper, bat hole

ME: it’s boxing day SCHRÖDINGER’S CAT: oh shit oh fuck

Nah bruh it’s fine AI told me that’s not AI.

Things I have air fried this week instead of getting help - chicken cordon bleu - chicken tikka samosas - chicken nuggets

the fifth horseman of the apocalypse: stupidity

One day you’re young and wild, and then suddenly you catch yourself enjoying a reel of a guy on the beach finding stuff with a metal detector.

So HR says Guinness is not an acceptable breakfast option and also that I have to replace the toaster in the break room

Elephants hate when they’re in a room and forget why they even came in.

This day in history. 312. Feast day of saint Lucian of Antioch who was tortured to death in Nicomedia, thrown into the sea, and returned to shore by talking dolphins: "Thanks for all the fish, er, but don't worry too much about the martyr next time. All right? Heh. Thank you! Goodbye!"

It looks like I just have to accept that the 'nudist lifestyle' is not one I'm built for. At least that's what my fellow passengers are telling me.

you’d think she’d look happier

He moseyed over, dragging a lawn chair behind him. Unfolding it, he settled in with a contented sigh. He pulled a cigarette out of a crumpled pack and lit it, taking a long, slow drag. Exhaling a stream of blue smoke, the eleventh ant muttered under his breath, “Fuck your rules.”

me: how do you stay looking so young? dorian gray: *shifts uncomfortably* essential oils

“Morning, Stan.” “Hey, Artie.” “I like the new roof thingy.” “It’s called a 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘰𝘭𝘢.” “Oooh… pardon moi.”

I've done the calculations, and a second job will absolutely help me get out of debt by the end of the year, as long as I start no later than March of 2004.

ME: if the singular of geese is goose then the singular of cheese is choose MCDONALDS CASHIER: okay here’s your chooseburger

you could probably capture our president by writing "nobel peace prize" on a pie plate and putting it under one of those boxes held up with a stick tied to a string