Herbert had been planning the escape for months, but was just now realizing how drastically he’d overestimated the length of his cord. As Edna Baumgarten's 1973 Plymouth Valiant bears down on him at a crisp 27 mph, he tries to scream, but only a cloud of dust comes out. Then, there is only darkness.

That time someone said, "Oh you're one of those science is right idiots" to me and I just knew in their head they were actually using "your" and not "you're".

“Hello everyone and welcome to my Ted Talk, ‘It Was the Cat: Diverting Blame in the Digital Age’.”

[first day of work] me: so, when do i get to kick one? boss: we don't actually- me: how about that one? that one looks like kind of an asshole

Tell me truly, I implore! Is there anything at this store From foreign lands Or within these shores That e’er again I might afford? Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”

“Shhh… You’ve gotta hear this guitar part.”

i can’t even imagine how many bobs had to die to harvest all that

What if Heaven's exactly the same as Earth except there's more dipping sauces

Can’t remember who said if you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

My thoughts are in Spanish, but I don't speak Spanish. I never know what I'm thinking.

ATTENTION PARENTS: is your child texting about the Rapture? KNOW THE SIGNS: LOL: left on land WTF: where’s the family ROFL: rapture only for losers OMG: oh ma geddon

Sneaking into the rapture to fight god

Ever looked at dragonfly wings under a microscope, there's a little bumper sticker that says honk if you're wetlands

1st day of fall and I'm still writing spring on my checks.

My Boss: [patiently explaining something to me] My Brain: YOU TAKE THE GOOD YOU TAKE THE BAD YOU TAKE THEM BOTH & THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE

sometimes i mix up know & now like im doing right know i now i now

omg omg i think im being raptured nope just stood up too quickly oof nvm

In the BlueSky olden days we’d pack a picnic lunch on Sunday afternoons and saunter down to the mill stream to fire off bangers in our bare feet

I can't help feeling I could have done more with my angry years.

Thrilled to report I’ve just about had it

My cat got into the booth with me while I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

It’s only biomedical science if it comes from the biomed region of France, otherwise it’s just sparkling eugenics

Me: Hey I got you a new scratching post so you can stop destroying the couch (My cat chuckling with one paw on my shoulder): "oh heavens no. nonononono, haha. nooo."

i can’t even imagine how many bobs had to die to harvest all that

“Shhh… You’ve gotta hear this guitar part.”

Tell me truly, I implore! Is there anything at this store From foreign lands Or within these shores That e’er again I might afford? Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”

“Pull up, Maverick, pull up! You’re coming in way too fast! Christ, I don’t think he’s gonna make it. Clear the runway! Clear the runway!”

“Look kid, it’s simple. The faster you get the tire changed, the faster we get to your friend’s birthday party. It’s really up to you. I’ll be in the car.”

ME: *dies* DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife. ME: How do I get to Heaven? DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs. ME: What about Hell? DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs. ME: And Limbo? DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

My nine year old: Are you cool? Me: I guess so, yeah 9 y o: You're a constipated, overrated, outright loser? and then he laughed for seven minutes

My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.

the autumnal equinox is just a made-up holiday to sell more henges.

When I die, put boxing gloves on me and bury me next to a kangaroo.

Can we change BREAKING NEWS to HEART BREAKING NEWS already?

Does anyone know in Tuesday's Rapture if these folks get lifted right out of their cars or if the vehicles ascend with them? This is my first Rapture and I'm trying to plan my commute.

you should buy a new shower head . no pressure .

if Tylenol causes autism, could i do this* *shitpost

If you don't see me at work on Tuesday it's not because I have been raptured. It will be because I am at synagogue for Rosh Hashanah hearing what the Rabbi has to say at this messed up time, and waiting to go home for lunch.

I'm weirder than AI art, so there's that.

In the time it took to calculate how many treadmills I would need to stack and slip on to hilariously shoot all the way into a wall on the moon I could have just stolen 250 million treadmills

I'm always my authentic self, and apparently that's not great for marriage.

[Perfects time machine. Goes back to 1325. Gets bubonic plague. Dies]

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

Frankly I don't really see the problem with rapturing a few of that mob away

These days you say something weird once and thanks to social media, the next day everybody’s saying it. Y’all don’t understand what dedication to the craft really means. I spent 1993-1998 calling taking a leak “dropping an ace” until I heard a stranger say it in the men’s room line at a Red Sox game

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

With a little love, the call could be coming from inside the home.

ME: *dies* DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife. ME: How do I get to Heaven? DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs. ME: What about Hell? DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs. ME: And Limbo? DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

I’m am independent thinker who questions everything, so excuse me if I don’t blindly accept the official narrative that “it’s 10 o’clock” and I’m “two hours late for work and obviously hungover.”