(Hiccup) *raises fist as a small gesture of defiance Why beer? Why? (Hiccup)

Subtly downgrade a band. My Chemical Situationship

My brief disappointment upon googling "mufflerfucker" and finding out I didn't coin it, l gave way quickly to delight upon seeing it defined this way on an official piece of UrbanDictionary merch.

I paid 18.50 for 2 large iced coffees today.

SoCal sunsets have my heart 😍

"They're grown men." Not like those baby men?

Okurrr drive sky..

I really thought I was gonna have to stop, drop and roll more in my life.

Looks like it hurts

Tobacco dew to drop.

How will I know the difference between people getting raptured or getting picked up by aliens on Tuesday? Just curious

I wear my birthday party hat at a jaunty angle, so I'm ready for a spontaneous party, or a night out on the town.

If you see this, post a robot

If you see this, post a robot.

Most of my skeets are things I’ve just been saying out loud for years. My therapists really appreciate you all taking over the burden.

Stepped outside and it was so dark and windy I heard the wicked witch cackling* *me, the wicked witch, excited about the rain, laughing and shouting, "we needed this!"

Do you see it?

Leg day but not jelly leg day. Just right leg day. those are rare.

‘Swinging for the fences’ probably means something different if you’re trying to unload the jewelry that you stole.

#AnimalAttire platypurse

Good thing everyone stopped using ai when I said something..

Gonna get a trim tonight. then be funny again. look like money again. maybe post an ugly mug again. inner reasoning: slow down there Slobio!

[Perfects time machine. Goes back to 1325. Gets bubonic plague. Dies]

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

so much Bluesky drama! ftr, I love carrot cake. fight me.

youtu.be/bgmMpT_m-t4?... Stella & Miles: TMS S4E1 🤯

Autumnal Distancing Medicinally

Ok, seriously guys, no one told me the rapture was this week! I have plans already wtf

sometimes i worry that all the kazoo playing in the world isnt going to get us out of this mess

Waiting for the squirrels:

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

Taking my kid out for a ride to get the good breakfast, an hour away. There is no better way to spend my Sunday ❤️

Ok, if you need one thing to feel good, watch this 👇🏻

I’m officially rooting for the asteroid! ☄️

pls stop teaching your parrot to call me names I’m beginning to develop a complex

Good Morning #Jokesters - I've got a low key one for you all on this Sunday. Here goes: A snake walks into a bar. The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

With a little love, the call could be coming from inside the home.

youtu.be/1ocDSbjWdBY gratuitous two wolves inside post..

Why am I up at 5 am on a Sunday.. To get the pain over with early and maybe have something funny to say by 9. Tired of funny fomo.

Excited to finally see rain in the forecast, I've been working on my "we really needed this" voice all week.

Going to Venice to see if I can drown while hitchhiking.

Quote post something funny about you: My butt makes change. When I was 5 I accidentally swallowed a quarter. They gave me laxatives and the next day a nickel popped out. Still waiting for the other nickel and a dime.

@catlady.gay if Private Janitor doesn't pan out, artisanal rope-making is due for a renaissance 💜🪢😅

i am now the proud owner of an @lisabug.bsky.social original

Their love escalated until the resulting fireball consumed the entire Ground Round.

I used to think concert tickets for headliners were too expensive. Now I think concert tickets for tribute bands are too expensive.

Quote post with something funny about you: I got kicked out of 8th grade math for reading dirty quotes to classmates from Stephen King books, repeatedly. In my defense, we had finished our work.

Trying to imagine hanging out with you guys in meatspace… Can almost guarantee I’d be sitting in the corner overawed and noncommunicative within ten minutes cause yall are just that good

i got a bad feeling. maybe i should go look for things on the internet to confirm it

I carrot lie, you’re very cuke. Lettuce radish you, my little cabbage.