I’m still here, but not really here, and I’m not all there…

*30,000 years ago, a teenager paints on a cave wall Parents: get off that social media and go hunting NOW!

Wearing a hoodie without a marsupial pocket and just dropping stuff as I put it in the nonexistent pouch

I found out recently my husband has been emailing me at the wrong address for over 4 years

my grandpa is a Bluesky cop so I can say whatever I want

#FakeNewsArt #PluckIt 🍄‍🟫 🤌🏽

My horoscope called me a first responder to a false alarm and like okay true but also rude shut up

With the help of predictive text, I can now post with my eyes closed. For example: Petit think icy icy ohio Or Levy wig is so orb

i don’t even know what grass is

I would prefer cheese tray over flowers, every damn time

Whenever someone new comes to the house, Clyde always likes to show off his mailman collection.

I’ve decided not to have any emotions for the rest of the day. But here’s a musical gift. See ya when I see ya. 😎

Mid-fight with mom Me- *jumps up and down on the crack in the kitchen floor tile.

who bringing me breakfast tacos for my birthday

Win every food fight by throwing dense frozen items.

Living well may well be the best revenge but strychnine is a very close second.

Please help me What the fuck is going on in this image Am I having a seizure or is this shit legitimately fucked

Treasure Flower

Smart, but not enough to stop putting lotion on my hands and then trying leave the room right away. The doorknob won't turn! Stuck forever.

Walrus potato does not care for your hurtful comparison.

Election ads made way for Christmas ads and I’m not even that mad

I see A beaver moon a-risin'

Boss: I’m sorry but we’re gonna have to let you go Rand McNally: *storming out* THIS IS RIDICULOUS I PUT THIS PLACE ON THE MAP

ok wow they sure give you lots of extra skin as you age

hate it when I’m napping and my phone jumps off the side table for attention 😖

Suuub roof, toasted.

When mom catches me swearing she washes my mouth out with cilantro.

Growing up poor meant accepting the lie there’s no difference between name brand and knockoff whatever. Coz damn it as an adult I cannot lie. There’s a difference alright and it’s expensive.

You’ve got to have insane confidence to get a caricature drawings done of yourself

the first 24-48hrs are critical for finding Waldo

Dysentery causes oregon failure

If you make it to the end of Candy Crush, the prize is Wilford Brimley talking to you about diabetes.

sss nooooo! 😕

Screw ai. I'm using an abacus to figure out how to cook my pot roast.

Most potential pet owners consider things like breeding, size, coat, intelligence, trainability, and temperament. Often overlooked is the crucially important element of aerodynamics, which can greatly affect your gas mileage, raising the overall cost of ownership significantly.

I sit and chat with the janitor at work every morning and he told me he doesn’t have enough money for food this month. Today I brought him a gift card for groceries and he cried. Shit shouldn’t be this way.

if you can have your soup in a bowl made of bread why can’t I have my coffee in a cup made of cinnamon coffee crumble cake

Reporting my neighbors to the HOA because they put their Christmas tree and lights up on November 1st and it makes my house feel inadequate

Thursday, 4:01pm "Still there." "Yep." "Looks blue." "It certainly does." "Wet too." "Totally." "See you next week?" “Count on it."

I've spotted a large Muppet in the wild. I'm going to try and pet it, maybe feed it some trail mix.

Sasanqua Camellia

“Think back to your childhood. Do you remember when the anxiety started?”

I had a very contentious relationship with my grandfather but the last words he spoke when I visited him in the hospital have stuck with me: "You don't have the balls to pull that plug you wimpy little pansy.'

They don't want you to know this, but some typos are only visible to you after you've hit send

Once upon a time, there was an evil witch who ate all of your Halloween candy (kids crying) ...it wasn't me...

asked my 8 yr old are you making fun of me she said no im making fun with you

I have a tablet at the front desk that refuses to work with the charger it came with and it constantly has an error message and it just feels like I relate too much. My body also doesn't work well with the equipment it came with, Lil Tablet, I get it

Dear men in airport lounges: There is actually no award for who can have the loudest conversation in my vicinity today We're sorry for any confusion