My fantasy foosball team lost again. Not a typo.

Schrödinger should never have been allowed to have a cat

*leaving a negative Yelp review* “And furthermore, I didn’t see one pink pony.”

Body count? Lays or murders?

I don’t want a fun-sized Snickers. I want the full bar, the full commitment, the full emotional nougat.

Conquering chronic lateness by never going anywhere 😎

People from New York love telling you they’re from New York.

What we really need is a government shut up.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it at least six or seven times.

It turns out that anybody can be a greeter at Walmart. You don't even have to work there.

When one of you deactivates I imagine you being taken off stage with one of those big canes

disappointed that moon pies aren’t made from real moon

I wonder if Judy from Time Life Books is still standing by waiting for my call.

I like to think outside the box (coffin).

everything is a joke but nothing is funny anymore

"This isn't a competition", I say first before anyone else says it.

All those ABC Afterschool Specials didn’t prepare me for any of this shit.

I could’ve sworn Aurora Borealis was the name of another one of these cookie cutter pop stars.

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings. Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms. Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue.

She told me to mind my manners, but my manners had no mind.

your skeets look like they were written by ChatPTSD

Still seizing a day from 1998.

I bet a factory reset would fix me

Instead of building a ship in a bottle I took a bottle on a ship. Now there’s a man overboard and I’ve been banned from Carnival Cruises for life.

If you run past your neighbors scratching your crotch and screaming they tend to not ask questions.

started at rock bottom and now i’m here* *rock bottom’s basement

My mom doesnt understand bluesky but shes glad im making friends

How did the Wicked Witch of the West take a bath? 🤔 ---- Things that keep me awake at night.

Clicking mindlessly from tab to tab counts as work

I could’ve sworn Aurora Borealis was the name of another one of these cookie cutter pop stars.

All those ABC Afterschool Specials didn’t prepare me for any of this shit.

What’s it called when you’re a people pleaser, but you also hate people? I’m that.

What we really need is a government shut up.

Doomscrolling since 2005.

I've eaten my weight in fun-sized Snickers.

Unpopular opinion and I’ll preface this by saying I normally love Tom Hanks, but I can’t stand the David S. Pumpkins sketches.

What’s it called when you’re a people pleaser, but you also hate people? I’m that.

Can’t wait for pieces of the east wing to be available in the White House gift shop.

Crazy to think how season 1 of Stranger Things came out in 1983.

Spent the weekend in Savannah, and now I can’t stop saying y’all, y’all.

What are we doing here?

Called in “deciphering Taylor Swift lyrics” this morning.

may your humor be as dark as the skeletons in your closet

gonna start a discount cheese company called Gouda ‘Nuff Cheese

why do the people in charge want to make life worse for everyone

We're gonna need a bigger pill organizer

The only thing keeping me tethered to reality are my 50 alarms.

No more Mr Nice Try* *fails spectacularly

What bass is it when you mix up sports/sex format jokes with music ones?

Performance art, except it’s just me pretending I understand what’s going on