This Zoom meeting could have been a puppet show

2 factor authentication but for people who knock at your door.

tough day ended with me scooping up my underwear with my foot and catching it on the first try. it’s a little better now

Sometimes people are ignorant for their own convenience.

I'm quick whitted and by that I mean moronic.

New year new mental health deductible

10 yo: Is there a reason you keep wearing your "Dead inside but caffeinated" shirt? Me: No... no reason at all.

I can’t swallow my pride I’m on a diet

Just rip that tag off the mattress. Drop your pop rocks in a can of coke. Let your face get stuck that way. Does it even matter anymore?

don’t have a haunted basement but the garage feels creepy after dark

Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon Seemed like a great album to play tonight considering the times we are in

It’s pretty dumb that the horrors of last year have persisted into the next. It’s almost as if the calendar is merely a man-made construct

all people, all businesses everywhere need to refuse services to ice. food, gas, lodging, not even the right of way in traffic. flush them out, make them quit. as our elected officials continue to fail to protect us then we the people are left to be the ones to cut out this cancer

mortgages are just house subscriptions

Someone should be doing hourly reminders for us to unclench our jaws

my sighs are up here

not street smart, not book smart, but a secret third thing

We were due for a new zero year.

*dissociation mode activated

Dumbing myself down to be happy in these trying times

Wanna come over and just like, lay the fuck down?

Please cancel my free 7-day trial of 2026.

stockpiling weed for the apocalypse because i can’t imagine cannibalism sober

one time on mushrooms our friend thought we locked him in the car, so he bit a chunk out of the headrest, smashed the windows and escaped. the car was unlocked the whole time.

no i’m not “detail oriented” that’s where the devil is

I'm not a maybe, and neither are you

I just wanna sit on your fa…..ncy furniture

Tell your cats I said Hi and give them a slow blink from me. They'll know what it means

Reading about torturous medieval public execution methods again. No reason.

It’s been tough processing the footage from Minneapolis of an unarmed, non-threatening woman killed by ICE in broad daylight. Thinking of my American friends today, stay safe.

The secret to surviving 2026? Ketamine. Lots and lots of ketamine.

my cat would rather die than not beat me down the stairs

Top Causes of Divorce: 4. Finances 3. Infidelity 2. Lack of Intimacy 1. Thermostat Wars

Mental health being strung together by snacks at this point.

watching you put away that laundry i’ve been sleeping on for 3 weeks

don't worry, it looks like things will get worse before they become even more worse

Unwilling to embrace the day but instead giving it a firm pat on the hand

don’t talk to me until i’ve had my revenge

The worst thing a species can be is delicious.

your TL is trash *followed*

I’m not tired because I worked hard. I’m tired because I had to keep turning my real thoughts into polite and acceptable dialogue all day.

Excuse me while I get lost in Vivaldi music.apple.com/ca/album/rec...

Found this beautiful picture of my parents moving into our San Diego home in the 90s

my son asked for a charcuterie board instead of a cake for his birthday and I’m pretty sure I’m the only parent to ever be asked that

The first person to say okie doke must've felt like a god.

Ask your doctor if escaping to another reality is right for you

Elephants hate when they’re in a room and forget why they even came in.

i wish i was rich enough to be publicly unhinged

Being “strapped” meant something way different when I was younger is all I’m saying

Music should always make you feel something