My birthday coinciding with the rapture feels very on brand

Celebrating another year of bad decisions with day‑drunk spa therapy

Woke up dainty af again

brain, brain, go away overthink some other day

I’m as if “fuck it, send” was a person

relating more with the alien in every film

when I say that I am going to bed and I don't, know that this is a test of humanity's free will

when a group of shitposters hang out irl it’s a pooarty

I’m supposed to get things done, but I’d really rather not

“trust the process” ok but this process sucks

If naps had a taste, it would probably taste like pizza.

The boldest thing you can do is be yourself

My body needs more sleep so I give it more coffee

Go ahead, share that ridiculous post. No one reads these things on the weekend.

I think what we really need around here is a good old-fashioned field day

If I win the powerball I'm gonna buy a supreme court judge

blade runner is my favorite movie about mishandling scissors

This email could have been a shared look in a meeting.

I don't get down with pumpkin spice. I'm more of a chai whore.

Still recovering from that one workout 12 years ago

Your yogurt to granola ratio is seriously damaging this relationship

2025 update so far: Still garbage.

“This is a test of my patience” I say, waking up once again

Your shoe is untied

Let's keep saying nothing in increasingly elaborate ways.

i started cross-posting my shitposts to nextdoor and got a letter from the HOA??

I wish my kids would watch sitcoms so they would understand that I’m just a normal sitcom mom like everybody else

You can come to my pity party. Bring your own problems.

Captain's log, star date -297280.1004883308, today was a good day, so I am having an evening cup of coffee to celebrate

My life would be so amazing if I could get myself to live it

Alexa, iron my underpants, and don’t skimp on the starch!

My love language is making things worse but in a funny way

Making it weird is my kind of foreplay

Micromanaging my descent into madness

Personal growth, but make it microwave‑ready

I’m into self-improvement as long as it doesn’t require actual effort or feelings.

*Diagnosing you by scrolling your replies and likes.

I died in my lust for guacamole but from the ashes I rise to have more.

The little neighbor girl just asked me if I liked the "witch weather," and just like that, I have an apprentice

I had to finish the last piece of pizza cause I didn't want it to feel bad about itself

Gonna take an edible and come back as an inspirational account

if you can't deal with your cat at her worst then you deserve her

Friend: hey, are you free on… Me: no, I have to like and repost that day

Babies shouldn't be eating candy, so yoink

Ending all exchanges from now on with "Okie Dokie"

My retirement plan is a crafted mix of luck, delusion, and a winning lottery ticket I haven't bought yet.

it’s never too late to learn to put your phone away while intoxicated

it’s quite embarrassing the amount of time I will spend on the Discover tab before I realize I’m accidentally on the Discover tab

The lost art of running down a timeline like it’s a buffet