so many problems in my life would be solved by taco bell bringing back the meximelt

I hate when you start something and then have to finish it.

You were singing a song that could go on forever and I had reached the very end of outer space for silence but guess what, it was just us pausing each other for a drop like in house music couples therapy

The piss tank on the ISS is now 64% full.

Someone please roofie me, you can harvest as many of my organs as you want.

age is just a number that tells you when you're old

watching a tv show with slider phones in it is so wild. like wow that really happened.

Separating the art from the artist can be really difficult sometimes.

how does one know it's hammer time

tryna manafest some food up in here

anyone at all? i'm desperate

Get a room you two 🦀🦀

Sub-creatures! Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, the Traveller has come! Choose and perish!

Man-eater? In this economy?

Share one of your all-time favorite actors

This one thinks XBOX has attonement to be made

Meet "Dark Shadow Guy" but it's serving Fallout Ghoul Cooper Spirit Store

REST IN PISS, MITCH.

On some level, we're all failures. Hopefully, the people we love give us a pass.

Thanks for the follow I’m terrible.

I need to stop going to bed so late. Especially when I have to be up so early

The Hurt My Feelings Locker

i got a lot of babies walking this rock only gave birth to four of them

Sorry I twerked at your dinner party.

I'm going to go ahead and throw away this mustard I bought pre-covid.

It doesn't mean hitting your head on the cupboard door yet so you heard it here first 🏆👑 Congratulations @patnspankme.bsky.social from @jimstewart.bsky.social

Cats steal baby's breath because they're baby

“I’m sorry I made things weird,” I say as I set down my marionette rotisserie chicken.

ever be putting dishes away & you’re putting stuff in the up above cabinets & then go to the below the counter ones with something, having not closed the up above doors & when you go to stand up you end up smack your dick right into a bowl of oatmeal?

You wanna know why I love ultramarines because they represent the noble warrior in an overall corrupt system

Autocorrect is like, “Your opinion has been noted, but I think we’re going to go in a different direction.”

sorry I'm late to the meeting I was over on reddit telling people yes you are the asshole

getting very into saying “this is not what harambe would have wanted”

(applying one line of lipstick to my lower lip) I’m Padme.

we have crab cakes why not crab meringue pie

Was that reply funny or me being an asshole? The dangers of being a reply guy.

The piss tank on the ISS is now 67% full.

I forgot the hashtag on the picture of my ass. How will I go on?

𝘐𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘤𝘰 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘴 is Latin for you must be crazy to want to have kids.

Bluesky is feisty today.

have your skeet call my skeet 🤙

WebMD Search: "my eyesockets hurt after being skullfucked by reality. is that normal?"

So if the USA decides to play their suspended player, what other sports do they cheat in? 🤔

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough

Did vikings signal each other using norse code?

Spoke with Mitch McConnell for about 20 minutes...

There are two dogs inside Mitch McConnell. Both are dead.

Bad day at work. Accepting applications for a wealthy man with low standards.

You came to me in a dream, which is weird cause I wasn’t even sleeping.

shitposting my way to health and well-being