An ice cube up the bum is worth two in the bush.

detox tremors, just to feel something

If birth control was made of chocolate, there'd be no unplanned pregnancies.

awakened feeling manly but in an hysterical sort of way

To be clear: this entire “we’ve got to run more pro-lifers” insanity is because literally a week ago polling showed that Democrats would prefer politicians like AOC and Mamdani over Jefferies and Schumer by, let me emphasize this, a 20 point fucking margin. www.politico.com/news/2025/09...

she's got me raptured around her finger

It also describes what your mom did last night

If you don't tell your kids that chocolate milk comes from brown cows and strawberry milk comes from pink cows, are you even a real parent bro?

When I first started here I allowed anyone to reply to my posts so yes, I’ve made it through some really hard times

getting ribs removed to fit more lasagna

Me: **sneezes** Credit Scores: **drops 37 points**

apple butter jeans are a different thing entirely

Cocaine so white it gets used with a boba drink straw.

subtly downgrade a band Linkin Park Bench

we.. bed.

i farted thru my peenus

billionaire is short for williamionaire

You’ve fallen out of love with me? That sounds like a you problem.

I just potted up 101 African Violet seedlings. What's going on today?

To whomever/whoever/whatever needs to hear it: Calm down!

Cocaine so white it tells ya "well, we'd better getta move on, here"

Might become one of those women who can't leave the house without having their hair and makeup done; might continue to be a bridge troll.

I’m getting so fed up with people thinking they have the right to kill spiders for having the audacity to exist in their living spaces.

What have I missed...doesn't care.

sitting in the parking lot of life

Always wear a catcher’s mitt, just in case someone hurls a burrito at you. You can then be the victor rather than the victim.

it was whatever

Can I stroke your ego? *spits in palm

That’s pretty fucked up and I liked it. Don’t judge me.

love it how they tried a bunch of nuts and were finally like “actually it taste better if we extract milk from oat”

*clean energy salesperson at the grocery store trying to accost me* Hey, you want a free $50 store card to help with your shopping? me, in a trench coat: Nah I just steal everything, but thanks. lolz

Let me just check my calendar first [opens box of chocolates]

Get in losers, we’re celebrating the Sunday scaries.

I think I'll go to bed early tonight. That way, I can get up bright and early to start hating on everything first thing in the morning

cocaine so white it's a member of the HOA board

I’ve kissed 1 other person besides my wife in 5 years. I am petrified of mono and I have no idea why

Quick tip to improve your life, replace all hatred with curiosity. Well, bye

I lost touch with popular public opinion some time ago, but I’m still inclined to believe that deploying the Marines to California to reinforce 2,000 national guard troops who are going there to reinforce ICE who is there to kidnap random people at Home Depots might be unpopular.

But I don't wanna work I want to lay in bed. *Pulls blankets over head*

Who needs a spoon when you have a dildo?

Adam Yauch informed me that when Russel Simmons signed the Beastie Boys to Def Jam it was with the stipulation that they must provide Mr Simmons with kosher hot dogs at his request. This portion of the deal lasted until the work on Paul’s Boutique was complete, apparently.

that's right keep saving my posts i'm almost there

The bay leaf is the tequila worm of cooked foods

I paid 18.50 for 2 large iced coffees today.

whoops mom saw me vaping

*beats everyones ass*

*enters an MMA tournament listing my primary discipline as feng shui*

I’m telling T to sell merch at my funeral Make it pay-per-view as well Kaching!