does anyone know how to log off

status update: my neuroses have formed a union and are demanding better working conditions

health food guru: I contain multi-grains

not many know this but it’s actually spelled canuhda

status update: my neuroses have formed a union and are demanding better working conditions

health food guru: I contain multi-grains

there's an old joke where a doctor's on the witness stand getting challenged on why he was so sure a patient was really dead and says it's bc his brain was on my desk before conceding that he might still be alive and practicing law and i am thinking about this joke today FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER

i need to do laundry or i will be wearing a grocery bag to work tomorrow but there’s a big problem - i don’t want to do laundry

i petition to change the us national anthem to literally any gaga song

i gave you pantoprazole, you gave me your heart . what kind of fucken trade is that? i already have a heart. you were out of pantoprazole wtf ???

𝗉𝗈𝗍𝖺𝗍𝗈potatopotatopotatopotato𝗉𝗈𝗍𝖺𝗍𝗈  𝗈𝗍𝖺𝗍𝗈potatopotaTOPOtatopotato𝗉𝗈𝗍𝖺𝗍  𝗍𝖺𝗍𝗈potatopoTATOPOTAtopotato𝗉𝗈𝗍𝖺  𝖺𝗍𝗈potatoPOTATOPOTATOpotato𝗉𝗈𝗍  𝖺𝗍𝗈potatoPOTATOPOTATOpotato𝗉𝗈𝗍  𝗍𝖺𝗍𝗈potatopoTATOPOTAtopotato𝗉𝗈𝗍𝖺  𝗈𝗍𝖺𝗍𝗈potatopotaTOPOtatopotato𝗉𝗈𝗍𝖺𝗍 𝗉𝗈𝗍𝖺𝗍𝗈potatopotatopotatopotato𝗉𝗈𝗍𝖺𝗍𝗈

Waiting at the bus stop for the elevator

Good morning, let's get that bread* *everything bagel

weekend at bernie’s reboot that takes place in the senate

i find myself not caring where mitch mcconnell is

I can’t be expected to take in new important information, be given more responsibilities AND remember to eat

hang on everyone, i’ve got mitch mcconnell on the ouija board and i’m going to ask him what’s up

does anyone know how to log off

would you rather date a therapist or a magician

wherever america’s dignity is I hope it’s happy

Dennis Villeneuve's Happy Gilmore

Paul Thomas Anderson's A Minecraft Movie

Guillermo del Toro’s Barbie

Cecil B. DeMill's Adventures in Babysitting

David Lynch’s Shrek

Hayao Miyazaki's 300

Werner Herzog’s Minions & Monsters

Wes Anderson’s Human Centipede

Akira Kurosawa’s White Chicks

Uwe Boll's Amélie

martin scorsese's weekend at bernie's

What kind of idiot falls asleep in bed?

FYI if I would ever get married it would be 20 mins of me airing my grievances

*strategically removes Far Side collections and replaces them with classic works of literature before taking selfie in front of bookcase*

I’m sticking my finger in your eye and you HAVE to like me

have you tried chasing your tail about it

“Sorry, but he wouldn’t shut up about the freakin’ toilet paper.”

“That’s gonna leave a mark” I mutter while purchasing magic markers.

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

If you add diamantes to an ankle monitor you can legit refer to it as court mandated jewellery

Just found out about the comma in Paint It Black. Going to be sick

if mitch mcconnell isn’t dead then why hasn’t he posted on bluesky for weeks?? that tells me all i need to know

The number of times I visualize taking a shortcut over some grass and curbs, it's probably a good thing that I don't drive a big monster truck .

the World Cup is actually a giant jock that protects the earth's huge honkin dong

i’m throwing a benefit next satuday for all my doubts

I don't let my age define me, but the side effects are getting harder to ignore.

If you leave a 2024 or newer car alone for a few days, it'll beep for your attention until you give it scritches.

I can't joke about this. It's just too easy.

Don't you forget about cheese Don't, don't, don't, don't Don't you forget about cheese