does anyone know why

they should make a drug that makes steam come out of your ears even when you aren't mad

people should think

My exhaustion is exhausted.

does anyone have an attention span I can borrow

*to Cupid* Just the normal arrows, big dawg

My medical alert bracelet just says "Delete my browser history"

On some mornings I tune past the angry old guy on a cape cod radio station and in his bitter coffee clipped accent he forever rants about beautiful things that scare him when all he needs is a good poop I’m sure

I was cut from a different, less absorbent, cloth.

Why waste time showering when you can just shove scent boosting laundry balls into your underwear

when you guys are being mean to me, this is who you’re being mean to

It disturbs me that every time I bend over “Timber” by Ke$ha starts playing

our phone, acting purely on information we willingly provided: hey, your bedtime is coming up soon, you might want to- us: shut the FUCK up nerd lmao you're not in charge here

How does one go about turning oneself into a zaddy? Asking for a friend

Milli Vanilli was born Milan Valtrex.

*gets my turn at the microphone* "they gave He-Man pronouns"

a dragshow spinoff called Better Call RuPaul

starting a drag folk band called Peter, RuPaul, and Mary

Autocorrupt can go to hello.

lying in bed clapping to make the lights turn off (i do not have a clapper)

Our very first Bring Your Pet to the Zoo Day will also be our very last Bring Your Pet to the Zoo Day. We don’t know what we were thinking.

i just wanna feel whatever cats do that has them making biscuits

as a Fast Walker it is time to declare open warfare against the Slow Walkers. what are they gonna do, slowly meander at us

wow. still going huh?

Transferring my consciousness into a gas station pepperoni stick

h—how

When someone tells me how old their child is I say "that's such a fun age" even if it's 37

technically every jar of peanut butter contains a fragment of mr. peanut's soul

[breaking up with an english major] me: it's not you it's me him: it's not me it's I

Mr bean is short for Mysterious bean

Person: wanna hold my baby? Me: no Person covered in bite marks & scratches: wanna hold my cat? Me: absolutely!!!!!!

It is very funny that Elon talks about building a city on Mars or a city on the Moon when we all know him building a city in Indiana would be an unmitigated disaster

I enjoyed the Super Bowl halftime show but it would be nice if next year the halftime show was a plain black screen for fifteen minutes, giving football fans a quiet moment to contemplate their own mortality

I am annoying the guys working on our house by trying to speak Spanish to them.

body horror style merging with my couch after work

if i wanted 10’s of thousands of followers i could easily post things like “pasta is best served alfredo style” but no, i wonmt sell out. that’s why i post things like “thinking about busty gremlins while indulging in some beans, baked sloppy style” and i grow, slowly. organically.

hello 911? yea me again…something was on my tv that wasnt tailored specifically to the demographic im in

I rarely do this, but I’m hoping I maybe have enough of a following here that someone can help: I need to get in contact with Donkey Kong. It’s urgent

Changing careers and becoming a professional shrub

lab grown anime

now that we have drafts I'm certain I won't use them for evil

I can’t even get mad at conspiratorial randos online anymore. Anyone who doesn’t feel at least a little bit crazy now is not right in the head.

i like to think of life as a metroidvania (i’m really bad at metroidvanias)

what would happen if i, a person with no penis, took some gas station boner pills

posting at 3:39am so you don’t have to

the time is an illusion morris day doubly so

i got goosebumps. there are too many geese by my house and i refuse to stop my car

*batman voice* I... don't remember... eating corn.

leaving out red meat for the ants so they get high cholesterol