replace any noun in a sentence with butthole and boom you’ve got comedy butthole

crazin for a raisin

what if we kissed on a man-sized plate of spaghetti

Who even uses Google anymore? I thought we all just screamed out questions out our window and waited for an answer

some of you don't have a color-accurate Ronald McDonald tattooed on your upper inner thigh and it shows (his clown shoes show when you wear shorts)

coworkers not respecting your personal space? there's a bat for that.

oh sure when the baby takes a couple wobbly steps it is a big deal but when i do it i’ve “had too much to drink”

Girl, are you the door of this Tesla that's engulfed in flames? Cuz I can't get you to open up.

Well, it took 3 years, but I've finally converted my entire Bob Dylan digital library into 789 cassette tapes.

AI will never eat half a case of mini chocolate chip muffins and that's why it will never write good

My first marriage, I tried to teach my kids land nav. Like I learned in the Army... I miss those kids

not many people know this but in order to get a verification checkmark on bluesky you have to kill another verified user and take theirs

don’t have time to form horrible opinions because i’m too busy experiencing beautiful things

Trying to spend more time out in nature. I'm burying bodies, but still.

don’t talk to me until you’ve walked into the ocean

Like and repost if your dick, tits or ass are perfectly above average (if you don’t like and repost, we will assume the worst)

Cloud watching. It's cirrus business.

Neighbor: what breed is he? Me *making eye contact with my dog the whole time*: an Ok Dane

i don’t know why anyone uses Google anymore you can just go straight to temu and find anything you want to buy straight from there

If you're a guy chatting me up, here are several things I don't wanna do* 1. listen to you play the guitar 2. read your poetry or, even less, listen to you read your poetry to me 3. read your screenplay 4. talk to you 5. listen to your podcast 6. hear your idea for a business *unless it's good

I’m disappointed in you. Yes you.

if the bsky team doesn’t stop acting up I will turn this site around and 𝙣𝙤 𝙤𝙣𝙚 will get any likes

my approach to eulogies can be best described as whimsical

seminars imply the existence of nars and binars

music escape rooms should be a thing

I don’t date but if I did, it would most likely be serial killers!

You guys ever just accidentally space out for 5 to 10 years

I hereby renounce my adulthood and demand my mom come pick me up

Fine, I'll get my motor running but I will absolutely NOT head out on the highway

I refer to all royalty as Prince Albert.

be the black sheep you wish to see in the world

cop: im serving you a subpoena me: ooo thanks id love some peanuts

if anyone’s looking for me, I’ll be napping in walmart’s $5 movie bin to escape my responsibilities

The struggle is real when someone replies “ok” to a text

Sweat is just body drippings that you should save to make gravy.

all underwear is edible underwear if you boil it, mash it, stick it in a stew

Clouds taste delicious, you can just tell

i am uncin HARD watching this bball game (standing up, saying "OH MY")

Bitter? No, no, no. I genuinely don’t like you.

sorry i reposted you at 3:03 am

I GET LOGGED OUT. BUT I LOG IN AGAIN

Tired brain attempts post

if nothing we do matters, I’ve really nailed the assignment

I've seen dust motes in sunlight with more purpose than you

my man about to fuck either gollum or a fish

promise me you’ll only repost my bangers after I die

can’t decide if wriggling is cute or horrifying

it’s my time to shine* *pass out from exhaustion