nipple wigs

if you cut up corn dogs to serve as hors d’oeuvres we can’t be friends

I’m not positive but I think the world might be full of shit

Our film festivals are more like orgies but with no sex and lots of popcorn.

Ordering a burrito “Estupido Style” and refusing to elaborate

When the extra strength coated Tylenol hits.

I bought an art from a friend. Meet “Bella.”

Wax on wax off but it's just me burning candles at both ends.

They should make the Discover feed harder to find.

You can be mediocre, just be FEROCIOUSLY mediocre!

Getting old means putting something away "for safekeeping", then never finding it again.

Sometimes it's not about the destination, but the sinkhole that opened up and swallowed everything down into infernal darkness along the way.

Make a movie druggy Boofie Nights

make a movie druggy All Quiet on the Western Blunt

Make a movie druggy Citizen Cocaine

make a movie druggy Kush Hour

Make a movie druggy Puffy the Vampire Slayer

make a movie druggy Planet of the Vapes

Make a movie druggy One Flew Over The Cocaine’s Nest

I’ll play chess with you again, but this time you be skins.

Turn around. I can't rapture when you're looking at me.

make a movie druggy Monty Python and the Holy Bong

make a movie druggy Charlie and the Opium Factory (to be followed by Charlie and the Great Meth Elevator)

make a movie druggy Shaw Shake Redemption

make a movie druggy H*A*S*H

Went 0-1 in my extremely brief bear wrestling career.

make a movie druggy gone with the weed

I'll send you nudes but only if you promise to delete them as soon as you receive them

In case you haven’t heard: I’m hilarious and fucking adorable.

I went to the rapture and all I got was chlamydia and this stupid tee shirt. 😒

Please know that if you have ever reposted me, I have imagined you naked, floating in space, a universe of stars glittering behind your frozen corpse. You are beautiful.

We can put a man on the moon, but can we put a lobster in a postbox? Top scientists say: "stop calling here"

wow youre still needing things? yknow this is why we broke up

Thank God for contempt or I would never get held

im staying true to myself [𝖤𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗒𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝖽𝗂𝗌𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾𝖽 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍.]

Just because it wasn’t funny doesn’t mean I wasn’t joking

yes i am always nice to everybody duh you stupid fucking idiot bitch

make a movie druggy the dank knight

Tylenol Durden is this anything

I come back home and poop in my litterbox like the cat I am.

Only the sexy and attractive people like my posts.

One of the beautiful things about social media is that sometimes when you scream into the void, after a pause, a voice or two may answer back “fuck, me too” and you feel a little less alone in the world

When I say "never mind," I never mean it.

You seem like the kind of person who thinks making a playlist is being creative

I'm a good waiter, as long as it's something I want to wait for.

A hundred years ago, RFKJr woulda been selling tonics to cure the sinister plague of lefthandedness.

filling my weekly pill organizer with tiny homes

Make a top 1000 introverted Bluesky accounts who have to psych themselves up for 30 minutes before they can make a reply to someone you cowards!

You seem like the kind of guy who refuses to eat at Olive Garden