This disgusts me

I hate autoconnect

sorry about the helium shortage i’m trying to get my yurt to the moon

The company I work for blocked ChatGPT and watching people think in real time is genuinely frightening.

listen here son, when I was your age I had to walk 10 miles uphill in a snowstorm to get pornography

I'm like a pineapple. People really dislike me on pizza.

if I text you and you call me, that is the end of our relationship. congratulations. you played yourself.

Me: Come on now give me some of that sweet sweet optimism Third coffee: Best I can do is detachment

You can’t fix crazy, but you can join it.

live your life in such a way that, 1) people don’t celebrate when you die, that’s a given, and 2) people don’t refer to you as your cartoon when you die because they forgot your real name

Honesty is the best policy, I lied.

existence is exhausting

You can’t really smell trouble. You can smell Big Rick, though, which is close enough.

Gotta keep luring the coyotes in the field closer and closer to my office window with bits of my lunch until they accept me as one of their pack or take off bits of me instead.

Hazelnuts Hazel nuts A word space can change everything.

What the hell is going on here?! *me, on any social media

"why the fuck did i come into this room"

my grandpa was head of the engine line at cadillac from roughly 1951-1962. no engine was put into a cadillac without his approval. this looks to be an original engine on this gorgeous vehicle.

A lot of people don’t know this, but a hazelnut is actually a legume. People don’t normally know this because I just made that up.

I put the hell in hello

They will also be introducing "On-the-Spectrum Ken," who is a comedy writer. www.usatoday.com/story/money/...

Live, laugh, dissociate.

Me: It seems fate has caused our paths to collide yet again. Do not fucking look at me or speak to me. Wednesday:

🎶you're so vane you probably just spin on top of a barn🎵

Son: i don’t like that kid, he’s my March enemy Me: im sorry, your what?

me: *stretching for 10 minutes* wife: you goin for a run? me: nah gotta write something in cursive

Does this clinical depression make my ass look big?

Burnt the heck out. Everyone still floating, circling the drain etc?

a ghost pachyderm is just an elephantom

Life isn’t a bed of roses, it’s a bed of hot coal.

Do all Swedish words suddenly sound like sneezes, or is that just the edible talking?

Him: You look great. Me: Thanks, it’s seasonal depression.

i have* the keys to your heart** *need **bathroom stall toilet paper dispenser

some good news in the midst of darkness: I am one day closer to death

me: sorry. can’t come in today. i slept funny my boss @ the improv club: yes, and…

Why's it called threatening to pull a TV network's license and not an off-air they can't refuse?

The pain is almost physical when someone misses my sarcasm.

When you’re chronically ill, you start hoping something abnormal shows up on the tests just so a doctor will finally help you.

My baby's first word was "abracadabra" and then it vanished into thin air. I miss my child and the ensuing investigation was a bit of a hassle but god damn what a trick.

some people are assholes who also have assholes. asshole squared.

I bet you're over circumcised

An app that automatically deletes voicemails and leaves a voicemail for the person who left you a voicemail that says "(contact) does not accept voicemails"

They say AI is going to take all our tech support jobs. Relax. You really think a hyper-intelligent system is going to choose to spend its day explaining to a grown adult that the computer is "unplugged"?

people that follow the news: how do you not be vomiting, like, all the time

On a day filled with horror, I'm gonna be posting some ridiculous shit. Not because I don't know what's going on but because you doomscrollers need to take a breath every so often.

There's nothing funny about the death of Scott Adams, which is a fitting tribute to his legacy as a cartoonist.

What level of "Thug Life" is eating french fries with no ketchup?

don’t hate me coz I’m fruitiful