i got kicked out of the mall because they don't do that kind of piercing at Claire's apparently?

chair up fella

a lot of people ask if having a lot of followers ever gets to my head, and I tell them shhh do not speak in my presence and go fetch my scepter

I was a stickler, but then you threw me into the water for your dog to fetch.

ladies and gentlemen, the weekend

INVENTION: pants you can fill with pudding

quote posting people with “Deleted” to assert dominance

ppl say im a good li…feguard or lip reader or something idk i wasn’t actually listening

I apologize to anyone who has read my posts.

I'm here you fuckass bitch

making a blocklist in Microsoft Teams

I got kicked out of the mall for reciting my favorite Bluesky shitposts

The extroverts are getting ready to do social interaction as per tradition. We have the site for 2.5 days. Let nerdsky commence!

The puppeteer's union has rejected my slogan "We Need More Hand Jobs!"

🎶Six color pictures all in a row, of a Marigold🎶

People are afraid of getting older, I'm afraid of not getting older. I'm trying to get as old as possible.

fridays am I right

I'm dying over Smitten Kitten (a sex shoppe) having to basically be like, "Google is lying about us having a glory hole." www.instagram.com/reel/DPACIxZ...

I know this is not exactly new ground online but love seeing pictures of your pets, love all your adorable little freaks

Bluesky, where they love you… but not “like and repost,” love you

I am trusted with entirely too many decisions

To the person who complains that they will automatically block anyone who turns off replies or quote posts: ok, ok, I didn't turn them off before, but you really sold them to me! 👍🏼

Pumpkin pie is a complete meal, your arguments will not sway this belief.

If you’re tired of me here imagine me texting you all day

people don’t have paintings with eye holes through which they might watch their unassuming guests anymore

Kidnapper: your going in the trunk Me: *you’re

a screw factory? that’s just nuts. and bolts. and rivets. and pins. and

if you fart like no one is watching they will think you are dancing

someone should invent anything else other than work

couldn’t find my parked car then i couldn’t find my phone to find Find My Parked Car then i found my phone but i couldn’t find Find My Parked Car on my phone then i found Find My Parked Car on my phone then i remembered i don’t even have a car 😬

Really need my office chair to grow a teleport button. No exotic locations. Toilet and fridge options would suffice.

humidity+heat is stupid. let's not have it anymore. thanks for listening.

Waitress: how do you take your coffee Me, A Bluesky Idiot: with my hand

Any number other than 12 is a dozen’t

*hugs you* Don’t worry, I’ve got extras.

i'm here you fuckaas bitch

i'm here you fuckaas bitch

I’m at the eye doctor with my mom and I’m just hoping that she’ll finally see what a great daughter I am

Your imperfections are what makes you perfect, beautiful even

I’m not lost. I’m just exploring every possible wrong direction with style.

supercut of every time a standup comedian says “this guy knows what i’m talking about” at the riyadh comedy festival and the alleged guy who knows what they’re talking about

Can't possibly imagine why this would happen to Gilfoyle. From S1E3 of Silicon Valley

it’s ok sleep, i don’t need you. i prefer mind numbing reality anyways

I want to speak to the womanager

I've officially designated reply guys as a terrorist group

other than the crumbling of the social order how’s your friday going

they say dance like no one has watches so you do not know when it is time to stop