Our adult son struggles with an insidious cocktail of OCD, ADHD, depression, and god knows what other neurodivergent thing. It’s not what people crack wise about. It’s real, it’s horrible, and it robs him of so many things we take for granted. Parents and loved ones, please know you are not alone.

It's Friday, damnit! Don't just settle for any dessert. You gotta fight for your right to parfait!

Although I have considered it, I won't dye my greying hair because my skin is so amazing that I would revert to getting no respect for my age and I'm not having that shit.

Thanks for over sharing says no one.

i don't know what it is, but i'm judging it.

To adopt the old meme: Hello, journalism expert here! This is not cute or funny, journalists only do this when extremely stressed!

pumpernickel sounds like an old timey wind-up sex toy and now you wanna buy one too

mike tyson's full name is mike thank you son

I can't make you horny but I can make you question your sanity.

As a guest, my pets will obviously outrank you, they outrank my husband most days.

My therapist told me to let it go, so I did the loudest fart and you know what.. I felt better.

My toxic trait is thinking I could definitely survive a zombie apocalypse because I ‘don’t go outside much anyway.’

Tummy horts Narrator: you've eaten nothing but junk food and drank nothing but caffeine for the past few days and you're in your 40s *Throws brick at narrator* Tummy horts

*eats a peanut butter and 50 mg black cherry gummy sandwich for lunch*

Crocs are what feet wear when the soul has given up. You put on a pair, you're basically telling the world, "I'm not going anywhere important, and if I do, I'm prepared to hose myself off afterwards."

draw me like one of your french mustards

They say the average man thinks about sex every seven seconds. That's a lie. It's more like every three seconds, and the other four are just trying to figure out how to steer the conversation back to it.

What wine pairs best with power? I want to be drunk with multiple things at once.

“Hello, fellow chickens.” “Nice try, narc.”

my dad got me a sweatshirt that says “first of all, i’m a delight,” so i’m getting him a t-shirt that says “i wasn’t yelling. i was parenting.”

saying stupid shit on the internet is what keeps me alive

Cop: You’re accused of stalking. Me: I prefer to be thought of as a very focused secret admirer.

The only advice I listen to nowadays is when my tummy tells me to eat.

This song is called "Alice's Restaurant", and it's about Alice. And the restaurant. But Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant, that's just the name of the song. And that's why I called the song "Alice's Restaurant".‎

is it “chalk full of nuts” or “chock full of nuts” i want to get this love letter just right

I'd hit on you, but you can do better - a memoir

hmu if you need someone to run over the trash cans at the end of your driveway

"Sorry I keep calling you 'boo' Your Honor."

he died doing what he loved, in theory: skydiving wearing nothing but parachute pants

me, talking to my chopped meat for this post to work: so,,, whatchu gonna do today meat: loaf *annnnnnnd,,, send 👻*

nothing more humiliating than when you wave back at someone who wasn’t waving at you. now i have to fake like i was just stretching my arm. cool cool cool

When you're rowing your boat merrily down the stream while sipping a cold one, life is bottle dream.

HER: Listen, we need to talk. I slept with your best friend. ME: I have a best friend?

A watched pot never boils which is fine by me because I plan to smoke it not boil it

I don't want to read a book written by AI. I don't want to read a book half written by AI. I don't want to read a book narrated by AI. I don't want to read a book with an AI cover. I don't want to read a book written by somebody who supports AI.

I am the single most boring person in the world but I have a rich inner life and sometimes I wear crocheted pants

A pétard was a kind of bomb which smelled really bad. The word comes from French and stems from the verb to fart Being hoisted by your own pétard is to be knocked off your feet by your own fart

I want the sun to melt me into the earth so I can be absorbed by all the plants and fungi and become part of existence

I can, and will, fight this feeling anymore.

Dick pic is short for dictionary pickle

[Posting an item for sale on nextdoor and immediately getting a message] "How much you asking?" Dude, it's right there in bold above the subject line! KMN

I once died during a surgery. That was the worst vasectomy I’ve ever performed.

anyway, here's wonderwall

Removing my brain through my mouth like a magician removes infinite scarves from a top hat.

“you can’t steal something that wants to be taken” i say, while slipping a rotisserie chicken into my bag

let's be honest when are we not phoning it in I’m doing it right now

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.