my differential diagnosis is you’re just an asshole

I’m just a girl with a little booty, fairly big boobs, a big brain and a bigger heart

"I don't know what's happening here" Me, while: -watching sports -parallel parking -trying something new in bed

Sorry my answer to everything is wacky science but I proved it was an answer to everything by asking everything if it was and a changed subject kinda exploded

I recommend that we all start increasing our hot sauce tolerance.

For this is all a dream we dreamed one afternoon long ago, Charlie Brown

becoming a bit forgetful. think im losing my mi

"Just resting my eyes, dear," I say as I pop them out, lay them on a tiny waterbed on the bedside table, and cover them with a moist wipe.

a husband?

r.i.p. bob weir

Bob Weir was a beautiful musician who created a space for community to come together in joy. So many of these people followed his music and made their own homes on the road when they had nowhere else to go. He made people feel less alone, and that’s the highest compliment you can pay another human.

Doctor: how’s your diet and exercise? Me: my what?

according to this fitness app, I’m more of an inactivist

tired: bull in a china shop wired: idiot in a good bakery

*adds helpful housekeeping tips to all your selfies

Tom Waits, because Tom is very patient.

In really bad lighting I’m fucking gorgeous.

Now why did autocorrect just change “what a perfect day it is!” to “what a perverted day it is!”

[horse meeting] We're getting a lot of good feedbag

"Avoid the Noid!," I screamed into the void.

I’ve got nothing to say so I guess I better go ahead & say it

I’m like prince’s mom *never satisfied

Goldilocks has boundary issues.

I can remember being a sycophant like it was only "Yes, sir" day.

I may not know much about sports, but at least I don't have fantasies about football

me, being sucked into a black hole: i thought there was going to be spaghettiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Imagine hating me and I’m just at home using a big-ass tortilla chip to rescue a teeny tiny-ass tortilla chip out of a steaming-ass bowl of queso

I swung my coat with so much gusto that I took down a ficus tree and an elderly couple.

Goodbye to a legend and the greatest shorts wearer of all time

...I don't want anybody else

farewell, bobby

there's a player on the packers named josh jacobs and every time they say his name my brain hears 'josh jacob jingleheimer schmidt' so that's how my evening's going

the only thing missing from this packers-bears game is a cold rain turning the field into mud and john madden in the booth having an orgasm about it all

It's not like I want to go to the donut shop every day. But whenever I leave, the lady there says "see you tomorrow"

if you've never watched 'seems like old times' you should rectify that farewell, t.k. carter

it’s ok to not think about things for a bit it’s ok to rest your weary mind

My life flashed before my eyes and it was like watching a movie that has a 32% on Rotten Tomatoes.

RIP, Bob Weir

😂

me: dating is hard me on a date: sounds to me like blink 182 really sucks at staring contests

As a delightfully warm breeze ruffled her feathers and lifted the hem of her skirt, two thoughts struck Susie simultaneously. The first was that she was totally ROCKING this outfit, and the second was the realization that once again, she’d forgotten to put on a pair of underwear.

It’s perfectly ok to curse in your posts. We’re all adults here. No need for asterisks.

All real estate ads should be this good

these are two of the 2026 resolutions from instagram star grandma_droniak, and i gotta say, they're good for us all

Bread missed a perfect opportunity when they didn’t go with “Baby I’m a Knead You” #AT40

If I could travel back to any date and place, I'd love to be sent to a 1970s Burger King in Montevideo just to hear the counter person say "Have it Uruguay."

Now, more than ever, a jet engine landing on me while I'm in bed

one new reality, please