Put me in a room with someone and I'm like..quiet with the breathing.

not now responsibility, the people in my phone need me

What if hiccups were deadly. "Here lies, Bob. Only 3 hiccups and we lost him to Jeebus."

Not to brag, but she only fakes it with me

the alien autopsy was completely legit except the candy that spilled out of it

hard to get work as a photographer when my passion is taking photos of other people’s photos

Only one square still missing on my "The 2020s are the 1970s Revisited" bingo card: a petrol crisis. Stay tuned.

It was a good weekend, a mellow weekend, I peed outside a bunch. I’ll give it an 8.5.

What’s good bitches

Selling my soul so my cat can live forever

chase car tires bite the mail person take a dump in the weirdest spot be a dog

just throwing some skeets out there like a lost soul who needs new coordinates sh!t is fvcked

Man it freaks me out when someone at work is nice, like WADDA YA WANT 😨

if you are a person who is able to discuss trauma in a palatable and entertaining way, i am so deeply envious of your ability.

*blocks your whole clique too

I’m more of an Advil girl anyway

I'm really passionate about nihilism, not that it matters. None of this matters.

Saw a barrel of flaming garbage Thought of you

I never had a draft file. Posting with no net here, people!

I should've stuck to shitposting. I'm postipated, so now I'm posting normal shit like hobbies and mushrooms.

To the country singer that put salt in his coffee and put his shoes on the wrong feet, love doesn't do that. You're just a fucking idiot.

gym bros be like no carbs at night and brotato all day long

you think they're the one but they stir pots anticlockwise

Sasquatch's mama taking him to Big and Tall for a halloween costume

Them: don’t text your ex Me: but what if I want to challenge them to a duel

Brutalism in the streets, Art Nouveau in the sheets

Me: I’ve been kicked out of shittier rehabs than this! Cashier: sir, this is a Wendy’s.

Touch and go sounds nice.

Them: what do *you* like to do? Me: [panics at not having an answer] Well thanks for coming out. Have a good night!

who up defying their generational curse

Mom: have you been seeing anyone lately? Me, gently petting my phone: yea, kinda

I’m officially I lost my car in the Home Goods parking lot, years old. I found it but if anyone needs me, I’ll be crying in the shower.

The Only Thing Worth Eating Now is Sorbet A Memoir

just…. muting a few more words… and… done

Bitch got ways Bitch got means

I really don't think it's too much to ask for everybody to pay attention to me, but like, not in a way that draws attention to me.

Every word is a misspelling of all other words.

I've annoyed everyone in the house. Its quiet and peaceful. Winning.

I throw hints like bombs, but no one ever takes them.

grifting in the name of

I don’t have much to say, so here’s dad’s best friend and a cow. He’s 108 years old and the most looked after member of my hometown. He served in the Merchant Marines. He’s always been the most cheerful and positive person I have ever met.

Gorton's fisherman need to learn: trustworthy fisherman don't need to demand that you trust them.

Emerging from the Costco produce cube with award-winning nipples

That crisp, cool air is nature's way of saying, "Your shorts were a stupid ridiculous choice today." —Message received.

My dog just looked at me. I can tell she's judging my life choices. And she's not wrong, but does he have to be so obvious about it?

Did you know it legally isn't a question if there isn't a question mark. If there isn't one, it's a sparkling inquiry.

so let it be written. so let it be done. the replies asking questions from this day forth shall number none!

People that ask questions in my replies. Go away.

Like grandmother always said "never post feet for free."

I'm just a silly little guy posting silly little things on the silly little internet to distract from the horrors that are happening in my silly little life. Please excuse the silliness.