I don’t remember saying that but I remember getting yelled at for it.

You *gives me a gift with a tag that reads "from Santa"* Me: You're not Santa. *grabs you by the collar* WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM? WHERE IS HE? ANSWER ME!

*Santa & Jesus approach each other in a hallway and Jesus knocks the list out of Santa's hands as they pass*

Do you guys wanna join my cabal

Christmas time, the third most famous of times, right after Miller and Hammer.

Is drinking an entire bottle of peppermint schnapps festive enough for you?

The old me is dead and buried, there will be no new me.

"Fuck this guy. ✅✅" - Santa

I needed a laugh today, thank God for mirrors and the entirety of my existence.

oh oops I was supposed to do things

Complete nonsense? Oh good, we completed the whole set.

We all stabbing ourselves in the neck or what?

anyone who jokingly says something and follows with “until next year” this week can eat an entire duffle bag full of dicks

Santa Claus is coming to town and he needs you to pick him up at the airport, the reindeer have unionized.

I wonder if dogs and cats think humans have another invisible pet named "Alexa." 🤔

I just took a shower...ON THE WEEKEND!

I'm just not a fan of the way your atoms are configured.

Bringing Rice Krispie treats to the Solstice Blood Sacrifice tomorrow

You, always there with your face. Get a life.

Krampus, take the wheel 🎄

you know who didn't turn up in the epstein photos? grimace

I am social mediaing.

Please do not bust my chops online, I cannot afford new chops, thank you.

It's the funniest thing that Republicans think anyone on the left cares that Bill Clinton is in the Epstein files, he can get fucked as well.

I used to think I didn't like people who gave off nervous energy, but it turns out it's just the energy part.

You ever dislike someone so much you check their social media in the hopes of seeing another person telling them how much they suck?

Can you be benevolent and have a "lair," or is that specific to bad guys?

Two baby angels who never fight or do anything wrong and love each other very much

round the spiral my mind goes where it will stop nobody knows

The reason Roman numerals aren’t used on hospital charts? Poison IV.

Up, up and no I think I’m going to be in this mood all day.

I tried figuring things out once, wasn't really my thing.

It’s impossible to find a white hat hacker after Labor Day.

What I wouldn't give for a reporter to give Trump a map and ask him to point out Venezuela.

It's like stupidity is radiation and The White House is Chernobyl.

Unlike most people, my favorite thing about Christmas is getting stuff.

A clean paper plate? Sure, "Your Majesty."

*boops your nose with a baseball bat*

I love getting new management at work because I get to essentially have these exact conversations a couple times a week: New Boss: Hey, I need you to do this. Me: Okay. *a few minutes later* Me: Hey, that newbie asked me to do something dumb and I'm not going to do it. Older Boss: Copy that.

Proof.

so um, what are we gonna do about all these *gesturing broadly* ...stupid people?

You need ___ ___ to be I I this gruntled I ~ ~ I to ride I {^ u ^} I the money train. I { _^_ } I I__ /. .\__I

Now that I think of it, I was never asked in any of my job interviews how gruntled I am.

Initiate fuck this mode

*at least once a day* MAGA: We're actually good people. Trump: I just threw a bunch of puppies in a wood chipper, lol. MAGA: ...they were anchor puppies and probably trans.

I just ate a piece of pie, I hope another good thing happens this week.