The empire can't fall fast enough.

Since my car is dead I'll be borrowing my sister's Jeep for a few days and I don't know if I should do the little wave to other Jeep drivers or if that's stolen valor.

I would like a different brain.

Can I fling myself from anything other than a cliff, or is that pretty much the only flinging option?

No-one lies across a piano singing anymore.

Khajiit has wares if you have coin

But seriously, you can’t talk about any of this worldwide shitshow without sounding like a guy who lives alone in a van in a state forest and yells at squirrels. I mean, it’s more X-Files than X-Files. Anyhoo, go Pats

Bad thought

Are there levels below black magic? Like, can I do purple magic that's not so much evil, but just annoying? I might enjoy giving people I don't like the occasional tummy ache or have business fliers appear on their car windshield whenever they leave it parked.

Do you like content? Well, that's almost what this is.

Ingredients are great for cooking.

Was I supposed to have an intent or purpose?

please, sir, my posts, they're such shit

if things continue on this trajectory I’m afraid we’ll never be able to outpizza the hut

Maybe I'm doing social media wrong and the point is to get mad at everything.

Hey, just wanted to thank you guys for getting me to 3k and say I'm sincerely grateful I still feel like I have a place where I can post my dumb jokes and random thoughts. You're the best, Bluesky peeps! 💚

Off topic but, nothing good will ever happen again and we’re all doomed.

The next person to interrupt me while I'm watching curling is getting stabbed in the neck.

I normally keep the temperature in my home around 68° most the year and completely turn off my air conditioner in the winter. It felt a little stuffy just now, so I checked the thermostat and it read 78°. In early February. It's going to be a long summer.

Fix-a-flat but it's just me trying to fill this void.

I'm just going to say it, I find the current President's behavior entirely unbecoming.

I may be dating myself here, but I don't see anyone else willing to do it

You think the darkness is ever like come on man, shut the hell up? Maybe the darkness doesn’t want to talk to you, dja ever think about that? Selfish prick.

I'm trying to focus on enjoying the simpler things in life, like a quiet evening to myself, a delicious home cooked meal, the inevitability of the sweet release of death.

Trying to imagine a political party so bad they would pick a candidate who could lose to Vance or Rubio and unfortunately I absolutely can

Mood

There should be a species exchange program, I would like to be a squirrel for a few months.

*car breaks down* Me: Well, I still have my legs. *walks 5 miles a day to work and back for a week* Me: Well, it was nice having legs.

Would your life be better or worse if your internal monologue sounded like Nicolas Cage? Discuss.

Of all the things you can feel, pain is my least favorite.

To: ██████ █████ From: Jeffrey Epstein <[email protected]> Feb 4, 1996, 3:07 AM giv h=r 10000 spuons > Alanis M needs a knife

Billion dollar idea: A buffet restaurant that serves all the different kinds of Hamburger Helper.

In a drawer of silverware, I’m the mismatched butter knife you use for odd jobs, like stuck DVD retrieval

Ready to wake up one morning & at least feel ok

I guess I'm not that old, because the thought of meeting anyone and exchanging email addresses with them is bonkers to me.

A stingray is just a regular ray that tells you not to put on the red light.

We absolutely need to abolish ICE and empty out their inhumane detention centers...and refill them with people who argue about the race and genders of fictional characters.

Every so often I think about how there was a gross horror movie about a ghost who tries to resurrect himself by marrying a teenage girl and someone was like, "Ya know, this would make a great children's cartoon."

cryogenically freeze me and don’t reanimate until they find a cure for tummy hort

Disclaimer: I’m not as advertised.

According to my extremely sore legs, if you've led a mostly sedentary life the last few years and your car won't start, walking a couple miles to work isn't really a good idea.

I don't really need another "blessing in disguise," I want a blessing to smack me right in the face.

You're still deriving pleasure from things? What a freaking loser!

On our first date I will take you to the fancy supermarket with a bar inside it and after drinks we will eat a rotisserie chicken with our bare hands in the parking lot.

Folks, once again it is my birthday today

Come on, super volcano! 🤞

1960s comic book Batman punches someone *wambsganss*

In retrospect, creation just seems kind of unnecessary.