We're going to get so many bad Chris Pratt movies out of this stupid war.

You don't need to be unhappy, but it's a lot easier to just start off there.

I frew up

I hate making up my mind.

I knew Chop since he was a puppy and I had the pleasure of dog sitting him a few times. He would always stay by my side when I would visit (probably because of the cheeseburgers I got him while pet sitting) and was just the most gentle giant. I guess it's hurting too because he's the same age as my

I'll say one thing about RFK Jr, at least he knows pee is in the balls.

I'm not one of those "the old days were better" type people, but I definitely am sentimental for a time where a hospital or a school would get blown up and the first response wasn't, "Yeah, well, who owns that hospital?"

Trying not to cry in the break room at work because my best friend from back home is sending me updates about having to put her elderly and ailing dog to sleep.

Just a friendly reminder that April 1st is one of the absolute best days to stay off social media. ✌️

Girl, are you my gas tank? Because I want to fill you up, but I'm afraid what it might cost me.

For the most part, I enjoy social media, because I know who and what I want to follow and probably because I'm not a raging asshole to complete strangers.

Well, as long as nothing was accomplished and everybody's unhappy.

I don't want to tell The Pope how to do his job, but I have seen every Veggietales straight to DVD movie.

The most grievous offense one could ever perpetrate is posting a joke online.

I miss being shallowly concerned.

There's no such thing as a baseball player. They're actually humans in costumes

The art of surprise is so overrated. What you want to do is tell your adversary over and over that you're going to invade them and then BAM! You invade them!

Brent Crude? I think that guy stuffed me in a locker back in high school.

I just got back from jerking off horses in unity, wisconsin and boy are my arms tired

Anybody in the market for a few tons of totally not stolen and very legally obtained Kit Kats?

I am very dumb, but also very private, so it works out a lot of the time.

Thousands of marines are going to be very surprised when they find out they don’t respawn

What were you expecting, decent human beings in a functioning society?

Not to brag, but I have palms every other day of the week too.

Now that I'm young enough to join the military again I definitely still won't

I think we could be really uncomfortable together.

You ever use something and then have to wash it before you use it again? That's some bullshit.

I could have been a cool looking wolf or a dragon, but I went with sad pizza.

completely fucking forgot it’s Ford truck month

Hear me out: How about one king and it's me?

Learning to read was a mistake.

You forgot to ask ELIZABETH TAYLOR

You are seriously fucked up.

It sure as shit feels that way, boss.

Is this forever?

I have plans. Just kidding..I never have a plan.

Sometimes I'm too edgy for Bluesky and that's okay.

Me, shooting wadded up paper into a trash can: Kobe. Me, drunk and behind the wheel: Tiger.

I'm having some drinks because I'm expecting to argue with my insurance agent later, should be fun.

These better change my fucken life

If I've learned anything from watching sci-fi, it's never build a robot with red eyes, that's what makes them evil.

Tangerines

same the circular file

I'd feel a lot better about the future if I didn't have any knowledge of the past or present.

I'm upgrading my algorithm. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

[jungle] Monkey 1: What's with that human? Monkey 2: I don't know, he just welcomes everyone and tells them about our fun and games.

There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s. *drops a bunch of mini peanut butter cups into the barrel of a shotgun*