You are not authorized to read this skeet.

Nothing good ever happens when I'm vertical.

Right now legal scholars all over the world are debating if it's illegal to hit a cop with a hotdog.

Me, mouth full of peanuts: Peanuts are fucken weird.

Ya know, a lot of people might think I'm dumb.

When does the news stop? Like, I'm getting pretty tired of finding out about things.

Might take myself too seriously and reply to strangers on the Internet, has anyone tried this yet?

I can't believe Zohran Mamdani killed Dick Cheney. Wait, yes I can.

Fastly approaching critical levels of wokeness.

You ever accidentally slip into a different dimension?

Can you believe all the people who've died? What a bunch of losers. Being alive is the coolest. 😎

My quag has been mired.

I need a convincing dog costume so I can shit on my neighbor's lawn

At least Dracula would have gone full tilt on universal healthcare.

Whenever I wear something other than a T-shirt I have to take a picture, I don't make the rules.

I love this time of year in Las Vegas, a cool and crisp 85° in November.

*interview with a vampire* Me: So, you're a vampire? Vampire: Yeah. Me: That's pretty cool.

I mean, the odds of all the saints being born on the same day is pretty astronomical.

A ghost, a vampire and a witch walk into a bar, the vampire and witch are idiots.

I've never read the source material, but does the book ever mention if Dr. Frankenstein found the absolute meatiest hog he could for his monster?

If we weren't supposed to eat them, why are their brains so delicious, huh, smart guy?

Zombie 1: Why are we eating these guys? We're dead, we don't need food. Zombie 2: Because people are jerks. Zombie 1: Oh yeah.

*being burned at the stake* Me: I've heard of being light on your feet, but this is ridiculous.

I thought I'd do a frightening post for Halloween, here it goes: Being alone with your own thoughts 👻

80% of the stuff in Target and Dollar General are the same. Why does one feel like you're running in to get bobby pins for Madison's dance recital and the other like you're in a hurry cause you're helping Bobby steal catalytic converters from the casino parking lot at 9?

I don't like those haunted house style attractions, popping up once a year to scare me and take my money. Who do they think they are, my ex-girlfriend?

Feeling bad about all the times I've probably walked through ghosts and not apologized and how rude they must think I am.

I've been posting a version of this joke for almost a decade now and it has never worked, but it's still funny to me.

Attractive women of Bluesky, I am opening my DM's as a public service to ensure your Halloween costume isn't too revealing. Please send me multiple pictures from various angles and remember I'm doing this for your safety.

i exist in the paradox realm of both being celibate for way too long AND not knowing a thing about LOTR or D&D

It's about to get spooky in here and I'm not just talking about all the mental illness.

Is there such a thing as a priceless piece of shit or are we just gilding the lily with "worthless?"

Who needs a god when you have friends?

The state of my mental health is inexorably intertwined with how full my kitchen garbage can is.

went to bed last night ready for bed tonight

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

by good time, i guess you dont mean the puppy grows up overnight and eats the happy couple in their sleep. — not steve king

By secluded cabin, I guess you don’t mean a vortex to Hell whereby the threesome are chased by demonic forces hellbent on consuming their souls throughout eternity… -def NOT Stephen King

One thing to keep in mind about me is I'm keenly aware at all times that I don't owe anyone a goddamn thing.

The Ting Tings walk into a coffee shop. Barista: *quits*

ever since I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to Post Good

do you think when a turtle sees a snail it goes like yeah buddy you got the right idea

I would like to watch a movie where a couple goes to a secluded cabin in the woods only to find it inhabited by a puppy that they adopt and play with and everyone has a good time.

I always used to think that people just had different senses of humor or there were levels of comedy I didn't get, but after decades of getting @ replies on social media, I can unequivocally say some people just aren't funny.

Sliced myself open pretty decently, but on the plus side I finally got to use the big bandages.

I have nothing in common with people.

Mom beat up a proud boy and wrecked the frog suit I loaned her.

A repairman came over to look at my dryer and after a minute he let out an exasperated sigh. I thought that meant the worst, but then he said, "I just have to replace this cracked button." Apparently that sigh meant, "Wow, this guy is a useless idiot."

if a guy trying to sell you something calls you "brother" just fucking run

Gonna meet up with family I haven't seen in a couple years and I've been thinking about the best way to get out of talking about myself and this is the best I've come up with: Them: What's going on with you? Me: Well, I'm not legally allowed to talk about it, but the trial starts next week.