Just imagining people ping-ponging off their ceilings and walls like a fly trying to get outside.

I feel like everything gets dumber every single day and I didn't want to go to sleep and have to wake up to that

Trying to remember why my neck hurts and then I remember how old I am and it's because I have a neck.

So the Democrats are going to keep trying to repackage centrism ever few weeks until every last one of us is in the camp, aren't they?

I won't know if the rapture happens because I have you all muted

I'm think I'm going to dress up as someone who is both mentally and financially stable for Halloween

Note to self: Be like somebody else. Literally anyone else, just not you.

*tips head* m’lady

Remember, it's entirely possible to be spooky and respectful at the same time.

what if we kissed in hamburglar jail

If you ask me, I think there are some sports teams that should play better.

you should buy a new shower head . no pressure .

Your abhorrent ideas are valid.

Spent the day posting "do better" under photos of people's kids on Facebook

i burned a frozen pizza for you, please respond 🫶🏻

In retrospect, learning how to read wasn't all that important.

spotless 😔

And I don't like what you got me hanging from open.spotify.com/track/6ZzeXW...

I've done things I'm not proud of, like maintain my existence.

Now that I’m afraid, I’m getting naked

Listen, I just hand the chicken sandwiches out of the window, man. I'm only elevated because you're sitting in your car...

Just call me Duracell bc I start a lot of shit

Now that I'm afraid, I think about you some...

Formative open.spotify.com/track/5vaS8H...

Sometimes I forget I have to exist.

Before you get a black bag put over your head and thrown into the back of an unmarked van, make sure you get out an unmuffled "I TOLD YOU SO!"

I saw two kids on their way to school this morning, one had a slight limp and the other had a cast on their arm and I thought "maybe the kids aren't alright."

youtu.be/PhHDd-AglXk Another Banger.

You're taking the whole being alive thing way too seriously.

A cool thing about living in Las Vegas for the last half decade is panicking in my car two or three times a year because I don't remember how to use my windshield wipers

Don't mistake my being a realist, for being a coward

*Michael McDonald voice* 🎶Rollin' down the street, smokin' indo Sippin' on gin and juice🎶

I know stuff. I can't really explain what or how much, but just trust me.

You ever see an animal with its head cut off that doesn't realize it's already dead? That, but an entire country.

I'm beginning to think a lot of people don't really know what fascist dictatorship looks like.

Call me democracy, because I'm slowly dying and almost completely irrelevant.

All these supposed liberals and Democrats going all "hate the sin, love the sinner" this past week has been a real mindfuck.

who up moving items from one area to another area and then taking different items in the second area to an area near the first area

pay someone to cut my hair in this economy pffft if my hair cutting was good enough for my Barbie dolls in 1985 it’s good enough for me

A few weeks back a co-worker walked by my desk and threw something away in my bin and I jokingly snapped, "Hey, that's my trash!" We both had a sensible chuckle about it and now he does it all the time and I just smile, but it's genuinely getting annoying.

Guys, you gotta reskeet this to confuse the FBI agent monitoring your posts.

If there's one thing I love doing it's not committing crimes. Also, why are law enforcement officials always so cool and good looking?

it’s always ok to eat a piece of toast and stfu

Here's a quick impression of me checking the news: "Well that's fucked up."

Apolitical violence? Knock yourself out.

The pervasive and societal wide mental illness would almost be impressive if it weren't completely terrifying.

Midriff? Buddy, the riff is the best part!

I believe that's called "testicular fortitude."

will I get shot if I stand outside the ck funeral blasting "dick in a box"

Pretty fucked up to directly quote someone word for word just because they were a horrible person.