I've sent Weird Al hundreds of parody ideas where I changed the word love to glove, and the coward hasn't recorded a single one

I love the term "screwed the pooch". Like its a common whoopsie to accidentally have sex with a dog

incredible quote lol

If I was a glove, I would help hamburger

Alien abductions are real. I abduct people all the time and I'm incredibly alienated

Steely Daniel Tiger

They won't let you day drink at work any more. Even if you're so funny

oh is it men's day? i didn't notice because i'm too busy listening to women

me and the boys sitting around the bowflex exchanging gifts for men's day, got another fart noise maker thanks brother

If we can put aside politics, and invest in the future instead of relitigating the past, then before the end of this decade I know we will build Elon Musk a wife!

All these latest allegations show is how Donald Trump really is the president of everyday Americans. Go outside your elite urban bubble. You won't find one single truck stop that *doesn't* have a man who's blown someone named Bubba

Always weird being from Denver and being reminded that the UK has there own Westminster

As a man, as a big man, as a white man, as a big strong man, as a cis-het man, as a big strong cis-het white man, as a man with a daughter, as big strong cis-het man with a daughter, just let me say, let me just that, as a man, as a big strong cis-het man with a daughter, AND A WIFE!, let me just sa

Remember: you have ten fingers, but only two eyes. Post five times as much as you read

This is real life now I guess

Cashier at the grocery store: You're all set, have a good one Me:

your dead AI mother loves you so much ❤️

Goku can never have sex because of the power imbalance

um

this is so beautiful and also it makes you think (assuming you have a curious mind)

A real opposition party would tell us how the oval office smells

Really cool how Tums taste delicious. I get to reward myself for over eating with an extra little treat

Fortunately, I already figured out the plots of the next several Toy Story films

"Bird seed" is actually somewhat of a misnomer, as anyone can eat the seed.

trying to have a good week but my socks shrunk in the wash and now they’re squeezing my calves like a medieval pervert. also, you know, all the atrocities inflicted upon us by tyrants and cowards.

you can't just bring back austin powers. the franchise wrote itself into a corner after he volunteered to stay behind forever in the shagadelic dimension to save foxxy and vanessa. they already brought him back once without explaining how he escaped from fembot island, the audience won't buy it

i'm wetting down some grey aliens with a spray bottle. they hate that. they've been into the trash again. one of them keeps poking me with a long glowing finger. it makes me see beyond the infinite. buncha bullshit. if he keeps that up i'm gotta hit em with the hedge trimmer

This is what they took from you

II’m at a restaurant and they’re singing their own happy birthday song. I thought we killed that tradition during quarantine. I’m gonna have to release a stronger plague.

every star trek episode is titled Ere Fire Down From Olympus Came and every plot is "what if a comet had a milf on it"

kindness is free. for an ad-free kindness experience, upgrade to kindness+ starting at $15.99 a month

(DMing girl) Life is so randommm it's like.. Whyyyyyy Lol. (logging into Albert Einstein role playing account) (DMing same girl) Life makes perfect since

I need a convincing dog costume so I can shit on my neighbor's lawn

this looks like shit!! amateur ass photoshop bevel and drop shadow, why? why do this? butterflies do not have rounded edges, they do not emanate a shadowy fog, it pisses me off more the longer i look at it

Two vampires biting each others necks at the same time, screaming like Dragonball Z characters

Geppetto was the woodcarver. His marionette was Geppetto's monster

Hello police? This guy from Hell's Heart is stabbing at me

People keep asking why there's so much Aerosmith on my Halloween playlist. It's because I'm terrified of Steven Tyler

I know its a little last minute, but I need 100 friends to buy dalmation costumes for a group Halloween thing

"Weird Al"anis Morissette

This is true. I was the gay guy with anxiety, alcoholism, allergy, anorexia, asthma or shortness of breath, compulsion, constipation, concentration difficulties, cephalagia, cardiac disturbance, and depression. And now I have IMPROVED anxiety, alcoholism, allergy, anorexia, asthma or shortness of br

Idk who needs to hear this but ACAB includes Starfleet Officers

This new campaign ad from Platner is wild