i spent enough hours playing n64 wave race that i'm 99% sure i could run a tanker through the straits of hormuz

Idk if it’s bc it’s late but I am absolutely losing it over this piñata at a birthday party my kid went to today

These guys had a more coherent plan for managing the gas crisis than the current administration

The Biden admin’s role in Gaza normalized and established a tolerance for the wholesale slaughter of civilians. It’s why Trump can now bomb schools, hospitals, apartments, and stadiums anywhere in the world, and why there will be no pushback from our gutted and hollowed-out institutions

the whole piece was fun but this is the part i am still thinking about tonight

You know what tho

This is so fucked up. I just found an Iranian sleeper cell in my Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Tilly Norwood dropped from Scream 8 for saying "Free Palestine 🇵🇸" and "I should be killed somebody please kill me"

what if we put the oil barrels in giant cannons and shoot them OVER the strait of hormuz

AI "actress" Tilly Norwood is back — and this time she's Woke

I love how trump is absolutely a perfect creation of the American system.

they’re calling it the worst social experiment of all time

genie: and for your last wish? me: I wish I could talk to animals [later at the zoo] elephant: get me the fuck out of here gorilla: get me the fuck out of here giraffe: get me the fuck out of here

I think a bbq beef Banh Mi that's bigger than my leg might fix everything today

I think it's worth pointing out almost every time he said "No new wars' he followed up with "because we will destroy our enemies quickly" or something similar about acting with lethal celerity. No one ever cared about that part tho!

Bam should’ve scored exactly 80 points, gotten down on one knee, said “this is for mamba” and intentionally missed every subsequent shot

*sitting bolt upright* Glup Shitto

crime dog you gotta find some better wording for this

under communism we’ll all have holographic charizard first edition

Lunch sketch.

thinking again about the greatest scene in cinema history

It is already funny but now it’s become far funnier because they know everyone knows and is looking at their shoes but they still have to do this

they turned me into a freaking gemini morty, IM FICKLE RICK

i bet this shit sounds magical if you're fucking stupid

So uh, Spider-Man’s boss at the newspaper, nowadays he’s probably saying “bring me PODCASTS of Spiderman!” I put the joke into an envelope, I send it off to Bill Maher, c/o every strip club in the greater Los Angeles area, I hope the simple message finds its way

oh no

the problem with today’s generation is that they want everything handed to them; back in my day, my president orchestrated the largest terrorist attack ever BEFORE he invaded another country for their oil

BREAKING NEWS: Shit is Fucked and It’s Getting Worse

Bam passing Kobe’s 81 would be very funny to me and i hope it happens

Kobe Bryant has gotta be so pissed off in hell right now

I will die on the hill that The Lonely Island are GOAT'd

500 likes and I'll call out tomorrow and get day drunk and play video games

Jar Jar Binks had hoes

with advancements in technology, i could easily build Rome in a day

logging on

(throwing separate bluesky discourses together and accidentally reinventing the countryside movement) literary critics would benefit from a few years of hard agrarian labor

I’ve been laughing about the caption of this Reddit post for the past 5 minutes

*taste-testing blindfolded* ME: This one must be the Diet Coke, because it's cold. The other one must be the coffee. TESTER: Correct.

gotta be another way to do this

which of the trump kids is W, and which one of them is Jeb!

i invented hanging out and watching tv and having a good time

realizing we are like two weeks away from Trump posting a poll on Truth Social on whether we should nuke Iran