not saying my eyesight was bad, but I got glasses today and just realized I live in California

Mastercard allows me the freedom to juggle the debt of my other credit cards.

rumor has it that there’s a fifth skin

friend at a big tech co just told me that her company's chatbot and their client's chatbot have been caught in a mutual support loop for several days that has generated nearly 20k emails

tfw you’d rather study for final exams than play for the los angeles clippers

proudly bringing dishonor on myself, dishonor on my cow, dishonor on my whole family

mom, dad there’s something i need to tell you, i’ve decided to become an embarrassment to the family name

maybe not everything that you post is helpful. maybe most of it is dogshit

can i get a coke zero? “we only have the worst possible alternative that no one likes, is that ok?” sure, diet pepsi is fine. on the side could you also bring a revolver loaded with only 1 bullet?

it’s really incredible what hormones can do

In 2003 I started downloading a car on my family's 56k dial up connection and today it's 34% complete, so not completely

i’ve always known that money is fake and that i want a lot of it

the easiest hack against identity fraud and bank account leaks is having terrible credit and no money

every espn show now has a segment like “and now we go to Dave, our resident gambling addict,with tonight’s money lines, whatcha got for us dave?”

Moving money ($20 from venmo to my bank account)

Smashed three car windows already to save dogs from the heat. Haven’t found any yet but I’m not giving up.

I have been doing entirely too much earnest posting about deep things recently, I need to do a proper thread about hippo testicles or something just to keep myself sane. Oh by the way hippos have migratory testicles.

🎶kama kama kama kama kama kama sutra 🎶 you cum and go 🎶 you cum and go-OOOOOO

if i ever overused a joke format i would throw up

fin.

When I was 8, my best friend stole my boomerang and we got into a big fight. The next day his parents died in a car accident and I never saw him again. Jeff, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang

the thing I love so much about Red Dead Redemption II is just how effortlessly it captures the feeling of actually BEING a cowboy outlaw by letting you get immersed in the realism of the setting

Still awaiting my final appeal from SSI for mental health disability and can barely cover bills let alone other household necessities for myself and my son. Running the AC to fight the heat & humidity has driven the elec. bill ridiculously high making things harder. Any help is deeply appreciated 💜

the establishment democrats are so used to losing that they now respond to every election as if trump just won again

do you now or have you ever downloaded a car

handjobs are fine

mayor zohran mamdani has officially been elected the president of the united states

welcome to cum burger, were gonna cum in your burger, what can I get for ya

i actually do have a dog in this fight and i bet a lot on him. he better win

sitting down to dinner with my canadian family and taking a deep suck from the milk bag before passing it around the table

the minions are men. grown, virile men

you can tell elon musk doesn’t fund bluesky because i can say “elon musk should be dead” and nothing will happen to my account

they call her taylor swift because of that’s how fast she’s destroying the climate

without saying the title, spoil a movie: the kid looks at Bruce Willis and tells him that he sees dead people

Jackie Kennedy is surprised to learn her husband hired someone to take headshots during a parade in Dallas.

Anton Chigurh: If the rule you followed... about a dog not playing basketball... brought you to this... of what use was the rule?

without saying the title, spoil a movie: there is nothing in the rule book that says a dog can’t play basketball

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

Don’t threaten me with a good time

FRANCHISE ICON GIANNIS “THE BUCK” ANTETOKOUNMPO (and bobby portis)

Heads up, the deadline to fix your hearts or die is tomorrow

Trad wives hawking breast milk shakes? Sounds like an overpriced kink combo they’re selling at Steak n Shake with their butt fat fries

the childlike urge to walk through something instead of going around

this is the worst thing a mayor has ever done

Sorry for being so fucking gross, you guys

hotdogs, natures miracle

wet, bland chicken salad for the teenage soul

I was thinking about MMMBop and then it started playing over the airport speakers. hmu if you want me to curse anyone before these powers wear off.

planning to find time between work, morbid traveling, and playing dead to rehearse more this weekend. but for now, from the archives: youtu.be/lKrz7r_a7Hg?...