The bus will never respect you if you run to catch it. Be cool. Make the bus come to you

Love the sinner AND the sin, honestly. That shit sounds pretty cool

i am beginning to suspect that the onslaught of terrible events and personages is having a deleterious effect on my ability to make silly little posts

Sure, they can poison the air and food, but those things are optional

cop passing out after touching a lettuce leaf

I shout a little joke to the other villagers in the angry mob. Nobody laughs. Probably just busy with mob activities

my one true love is 450 calories of potato chips

TACO BELL SHOULD OFFER A BURRITO IN THE SIZE AND SHAPE OF A HUMAN MAN SO YOU CAN GO "CHIMP MODE" ON IT.

“Love yourself, you piece of shit,” he whispered angrily to himself

My heart breaks for the people of Diarrhea Planet

Eating way more lettuce than usual, because I don’t let the man tell me what to do

sorry i can’t come in today the veil has been lifted

Between Jungle Book and TaleSpin, Baloo got a shirt, hat and pilot's license. But no pants

TaleSpin, very well named cartoon. First, that's a dangerous condition for a plane - we'll be enjoying some exciting aeronautics. But isn't the correct spelling "tailspin" aha - this pilot is a bear. Meet some high flying animals with a yarn or "tale" to "spin."

bros verisimilitude is striking

Famous dead people will not see your little jokes about them. Such is the sweet release of the grave

Me: Everyone thinks he’s corny because he was the whimsical one, but he has a God-given ear for melody and preternatural talent for musical emotion Paul McCartney: Biscuits and cakes, are what it takes, to put a smile on the boatswain’s face Me: :)

I will never log “off” or become more “normal” if that even exists

Increasingly having to take a pill each night to make me really big then really small then really big then small again just to find that sweet spot I can finally curl up in and go to sleep

Had a dream I was a guest on a popular podcast called Hated Interactions

love using a salad spinner. I’m performing fast CPR to bring the lettuce back from wet Hell

Bro u are lowkey bathed in divine light rn

don't worry about all the blood it's not all from me

telling the doctor i smoke a "despicable" amount of weed a day and being unable to put any number on it

Might get that surgery where your feet become tiny helicopters

What a time to be alive for mean-spirited idiots everywhere

Everything I ate during my time with the Donner Party

My shady dealings are coming under scrutiny in the burrow community

ME: OK honey, playtime is over TODDLER: Daddy, I’m sending you to the Land Of Mystery

Donut Verification Code: Do not give this code to anyone! It is a tasty donut

i’m an isolated incident

I’ll get my shit together by age 80 or so. No rush

Me sober walking downtown: this world is an overflowing gutter. A mire of sickening greed and hate Me walking around downtown completely gone off margs: there is so much beauty to behold on this earth. I understand every poem now

It’s better to have loved and lost than to get repeatedly punched in the face

If I can smell your grill on the breeze you have to share

If I had to live my entire life all over again, I'd complain a lot more. Mainly about the “living my entire life all over again” aspect of things

I think dangerous beasts would respect my vibe

I wish music were more mainstream

One of these days I'm gonna become a friend to others

As a society, we should simply give me everything I want

“Fireworks symbolize patriotism and love!” I explain as the building implodes patriotically

post from someone with a crush: woke up squirming in agony like a worm on hot pavement again post from their crush: just had a lovely sandwitch 🙂

Getting banned from the only disguise store in town would suck. Sure, you could sneak back in… with the help of a convincing disguise

Options for tonight include watching a movie, following the strange blue lights into the woods, getting a takeaway, following the lights, playing some music, follow the lights, follow them, into the woods, follow the lights into the woods, or getting an early night

Angrily eating a blueberry scone, desperately clinging to my dignity

Eating angrily is one of the funniest ways to eat

Anytime someone asks me how I’m doing I mutter the only way out is through

I just want to be hated by some, ignored by most, and excessively admired by a few misguided admirers

Getting mildly addicted to faint praise

Which enormous asshole of the day will earn my witty yet stinging rebuke