Do NOT fall for the “working on yourself” scam. Free yourself from the manager within

heard someone say "no worry" instead of "no worries"? absolute recession indicator if i've ever heard one

Everything could suddenly become very cool. Maybe that will happen soon

If dogs could dance, they would get into the club for free…. not that they currently have to pay, of course

they should invent a mug of tea that I don't forget about

The Wikipedia list of “Notable Levites” (i.e. Jewish males who claim patrilineal descent from the Tribe of Levi) begins with Levi, Moses, and Aaron from the Bible, and ends with the Three Stooges

Your body is a very convenient place to keep your bones

Sometimes I’ll pee in the toilet with the seat down due to profound accuracy. But then I’ll flush and some water will splash up and get on the seat, and it’s like the toilet is trying to frame me

Don’t tell me something’s unfathomable. I can fathom a lot of shit

Eating clean (showering before eating a pizza)

There but for the grace of being too lazy to go anywhere go I

Dunkin Donuts Angus Steak and Egg was a legit contender

Oh you like to garden? How wonderful. I'm jealous. I can't of course, because of my duties. It's an honor to be the queen of gnats and I'm so grateful but still, how they do swarm me with their demands and needs and adoration the moment I step outside. I love them! But I do value privacy even so.

Live at the usual speed, die at the usual time

if someone’s online status is set to “presenting” it means they are baring their ass to potential mates

The worst part of going to hell is probably just that you’re moving

We will be leathery husks dragging our dying bodies across the endless desert that once was Earth and the media will still say we're 'basking' in 'glorious weather'.

The only thing I hate is to experience anything even slightly unpleasant

making a song called harmonica man and just playing the shit out of the piano in the background the whole time

It seems to me that you lived your life like a candle or some shit

No, the website cannot free your mind or satisfy your soul. If you think a website can or should do that, you are annoying

"we would like to send you notifications" is the worst thing anyone has ever said to me

They should simply invent a human brain that is calm and well-adjusted

All my entertainment algorithms are split between toddler dreck and millennial hipster obscurities. Many such cases no doubt

the pharmacy i go to has the absolute worst lighting - i need to figure out a normal-seeming way to show the cashiers there a well-lit photo of me

Sure, reality is bleak, but also it contains baby sloths, so the situation is complex

Everything happens for a reason. Usually not goat-related. But sometimes? Goat-related

Hey man I saw the way you suddenly illuminated the night sky then fizzled out leaving a seemingly endless void of darkness behind you

There’s a pretty even split between nice people who like things and want to improve the world, and insane assholes who hate everything and want to destroy it

Do you know the Muffin Man? Bullshit. Nobody knows that guy. Fake guy

Honestly if I found a hole in the side of a cliff shaped exactly like me I would probably go in it too

Things fall apart. The center cannot hold. They should fix that, in my opinion. They should make a center-holding thingy

The youth are dumb now thanks to too much computer and not enough leaded gasoline

my cat got jealous of me using the lint roller and started yelling at me so i had to explain to her that’s she’s basically all lint and she’d have a much different experience

Man is the only animal that plays harmonica professionally

they're replacing libraries with a guy who just says shit

I liked the robots better when they only wanted sex, not jobs

“No one is coming to save you” I am. I know a lot about moths and can stack hay bales until I can’t feel my hands

You guys ever just accidentally space out for 5 to 10 years

new york construction guy hearing about a "tufted titmouse": heh, this i gotta see!! later: that noble crest, the stout beak, the peach wash. the tufted titmouse is an exemplar of the natural beauty with which we are privileged to share this earth

There’s still time to eat pizza tonight if your pizza levels are running low

They should invent an amazing experience

the advice i needed was never “live every day as if it was your last”. it was “live every day as if you had to live for another 50 years” that would have been more useful.

Sometimes a shirt goes bad on you mid-wearing. Gotta cut your losses and head home

me: uh excuse me demon: what me: i think you have me in the wrong hell everyone else is a turtle demon: not my problem

Never loan money to birds. They have no source of income. Learn from my mistakes

saw my doctor at the grocery store and he was using his stethoscope to see if the honeydew melons were ripe

I'll never forget this one time 14 years ago when I was calm and confident for like 5 minutes

I love summer in Chicago but it’s so obnoxious how everybody with a fancy car stereo is driving around constantly blasting the Gilligan’s Island theme

I've been sent on a mild goose chase