Look I get publishing a broad spectrum of opinions but I already fed them this morning

Customers have changed my life

Yes, I would like a taste of my own medicine. That is why I take it

We all have those 478 people we can't stand

I have decided to break containment and escape my enclosure

The real tragedy is that no one even talks about how we fished mermaids into extinction

*quietly so as to not wake the toddler* This is good shit and it rules

the modern world has been designed by generations of bastards to crush you, take a win when you can

Joy and hope are actually pretty cool and sexy, in certain cases

The name Manfred is the human equivalent of Spongebob

Whatever, I’m telling my kid the world is a good place and maybe it will turn out that way

the ghost that haunts my house keeps bragging that he can go inside the microwave while it’s on, like i care

Sorry I was weird before, and also am now, and will be in the future

every star trek episode is titled Ere Fire Down From Olympus Came and every plot is "what if a comet had a milf on it"

It’s fine that it gets dark earlier, I will just get depressed sooner each day. No problem

now. what to do with an extra 16 hours of darkness

I have always rooted for all teams to win. Life hands us enough defeats

why do so many baseball players look like kid rock

It’s nice to see people coming together to hurl rocks at me and curse my name

Just thinking out loud here but it honestly makes so much sense that I ended up marrying a man who lives on a mountain and used to have a pet raccoon.

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

Sure, skeletons are scary, but a body without a skeleton is much scarier

I would never get into a bad situation. I would simply refuse

I hate consequences. Always have. Actions, on the other hand, kick ass

I just hope that more stupid bullshit keeps happening forever, can’t get enough

While I support the long-term ecological project of bugs, I feel that their short-term goals are not mission-aligned. My brand partnership with bugs hinges on actionable progress with regard to: getting in my house, scampering around, flying when it looks like you shouldn’t be able to, attitude.

Bro, do you even struggle to reconcile the human condition with your grandiose dreams

I hoped it wouldn't come to this but you've left me no choice [reverses belt from brown to black]

“You have a beautiful mind,” I lie to my orange cat

"If everything is spooktacular, then nothing is spooktacular." —Friedrich Nietzsche

[90s rapper nobody’s ever heard of making his recording debut] well I’m back y’all

We all just want to chill in our respective enclosures at affordable rates

Every flying object is “unidentified” if you’re stupid.

Just trying to stay cool in these increasingly lame and corny times

my only comment is that i have a brain problem where if something can be sung to the tune of "Buffalo Soldier" i will sing it to the tune of "Buffalo Soldier"

Don’t blame me, I have never said or thought anything

my children are half lil’ stinker on their mother’s side

Does anyone know what my plan is, or if I have one

If you can't eat a varied diet to get the nutrients you need you can find someone who did and eat them

Hey man, have you shifted your alliances recently? Feeling concerned about the fragile peace between us

Sometimes a tree will piss its raindrops all over me & I understand that’s because of something bad I did in the past

Let my phone charge to 180% and now it’s way too powerful

Sure, turkey bacon manufacturer website, you can store files on my device. But only what's strictly necessary, ok?

If you were a true ally, you’d give me a ride to the mall sometime

i’m sad to report that, earlier today, i lost an uncomfortably large sum of money playing peek-a-boo

I don’t just hold a grudge, I caress it gently, murmuring soft curses

*after watching 6 bird attacks in the movie The Birds* surely the birds are done now

My toddler is getting really good at insults, a crucial milestone

Can’t go to bed because I’m doing an experiment where I stay exhausted for my entire life