I have decided to solve all world problems

Sweet and sober chicken

“Things will probably be normal again someday!” he fantasized with no real evidence

i hate how competitive hot dog eaters dip them in water. thats the wrong kind of gross, i need them to pretend they're enjoying them

No worries, dude. Most of my friends are huge assholes, so I get where you’re coming from

Between shopping and wrapping and baking, I can’t keep up. Not to mention being trapped inside this haunted snow globe

Just say no to drugs. Also why are you talking to drugs

You never know what you’ll watch or do if some powerful jerk tries to stop you

No shirt, no shoes, no torso: Only floating skulls allowed in this bar

my new year's resolution is to escape the grain silo i've been trapped in for two weeks

Life is all about simple pleasures, like petting dogs or lying to children

Giving my enemies a knowing, judgmental look as they attack me

you ever read a book so bad you wanna go back to mesopotamia and uninvent writing

We live in a weird time. It’s only right to get weirder yourself

Here we go with certain stuff

It turns out nobody has ever done anything wrong, and everything is fine!

Michael Jackson describes a horrific scene then has the nerve to ask Annie if she’s okay. No, Michael, she isn’t okay. There’s blood all over the carpet.

Speak softly. Carry a big stick with a snake sleeping on it. Shush people when they ask about the snake. "Shh, he's sleeping," you say

We used to yearn for the apocalypse, but it turns out it actually sucks to experience

As reality gets darker and bleaker, I defiantly remain a silly little goose

everyone stand back. i'm about to muster some willpower

Sorry if I seemed weird earlier, I was in the middle of an ancient revenge dance

blocked + reported + familiarizing my beast with your scent

I have decided to start rotating, sexily, like a young rotisserie chicken

[watching recap of episode i just finished one minute ago] wait who’s that guy

There’s always a chance everything will be fine. This is one of my favorite insane beliefs

Listen to your feelings, even if they are dumb as hell. Then politely shush them

Don't let the bastards get you down, use the bastards' own body weight against them

Working on my rambling manifesto with increasing urgency. It should fix everything

every new headline is pretty much not great

People used to ask a lot more questions about goons and goblins in the past. Feels like we’ve given up on the truth

A major part of having dogs is asking why is that wet

They should make a country where you can afford to live, as a little treat

People are always comin at me just because im beautiful and i reflect the benign divinity of the cosmos

Why are animals always barefoot? What are they trying to prove

They need to invent new clothes… and new body parts to wear them on

kesha was so right when she said stop ta-ta-talkin that blah blah blah

Perhaps it is actually a good thing in some way that all goods and services are turning bad and shitty

you would spend so much of the apocalypse chugging old soda

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I wouldn’t. Too confusing. Seems mean

it's always been my dream to get rich from some dumb shit

Midwest winters will make you insane so it just saves time to already be insane

Ok the iron has cooled substantially, now seems like a good time to strike

I feel great, except for my body and my mind

My tickle me Elmo just stopped laughing. As if I didn’t have enough on my fucking plate this time of year

They’re grinding me into a savory paste for the local baron

i love going online, seeing more dumb bullshit, then smashing my phone with a hammer

Refuse to sleep. Ignore your own rules. Defy the cop within

Remember when Oprah shot her friend Gayle on what was supposed to be a one way trip into deep space and what she saw there beyond the veil of stars from where no one before has ever returned, changed her