you heard it here first

My friend ordered a hot tea and toast in a Belfast pub among a table of Guinness orders. Bartender asked if Granny wanted the crust cut off his toast.

Wearing a nice hat. Quietly going about my day. Woman shouted over to me “you think you’re something special in that fucking hat do you?” 😳

I am calling upon the people of Ireland to immediately begin construction of a thread on this site about how you or someone you know was roasted for a fashion choice. We need it. All roasts must have come from Irish people *only*. Please respect this important rule, it makes a difference. Tanks

mods!…MODS?!—why doesn’t this have 1K likes yet? something is wrong with the site

Gonna tell my kids this was Cats (2019).

While you guys were watching the northern lights, I studied the blade

deep in an underground facility inventing the world’s first sub zero-point stable labubu. impossible labubus, dangerous and ill-advised labubus. labubus operating at the cusp of human comprehension

coming home in this outfit to see if it helps me finally impress my cat

most people don't realize that the aurora borealis is an optical illusion caused by the spirit of friendship

pink sky at morning, sailor take warning pink sky at night, rapper's delight

🙋‍♂️ why are you a baby who’s old?

me when people ask about my favorite Brassica:

My partner and I heard your lament from across the bar and we really love your pathos

This is so offensive. I have a lot of issues with Katy Perry, and her lack of respect for toilet paper patterns is at least one of them.

we’re supposed to believe these are entertaining napkins, and yet they’ve never made me laugh

i’m not yelling, ok? i am giving you elevated vocal feedback

*record scratch* so you made it to Discover

thanks to capitalism, today’s woman can be anything she wants. from a tiny sprite on a giant patio chair, to an ingenue, overconfident in the stability of her unconventional support garments.

legolas this, legolas that never anything about legolad

why are they "trad wives" and not "girls gone laura ingalls wilder"

i don’t know how or why, but i need to hear danny devito struggle to pronounce “zohran mamdani” the same way he chops and screws “jon bon jovi” in this scene

sir, you hired a south african to steal our social security numbers

killing james bond in the last movie was stupid and not in keeping with the formulaic nature of the franchise

(jk simmons issuing reforms to end the famine in 1830s Japan) “not my Tenpō”

A TEAM OF DOCTORS: welcome back to the face-off machine. sounds like things got crazy but we're ready to give you your regular face and voice again ME: remember to put my love handles back please

me at 17: I can't let anyone find out that I like Matchbox Twenty. that would be so embarrassing me in my 30's:

since you all seem trustworthy, i don't mind telling you that one of the digits of my credit card's security code is a 3

(jk simmons angrily sending back his shrimp) "not my tempura"

Ordering a burrito “Estupido Style” and refusing to elaborate

don't bother, my new personal finance guide lays out why

Nah, No Wri No Mo Fo NaNoWriMo. Instead, Wri Fo Yoself, Go Pro. No FOMO, Homie!

i don’t know how or why, but i need to hear danny devito struggle to pronounce “zohran mamdani” the same way he chops and screws “jon bon jovi” in this scene

don’t want to panic anyone but i think canada might be giving us the finger

seeing some takes like, "it was clear the gop wasn't going to budge on subsidies, so they had no choice” and i simply don’t understand why someone would go out of their way to announce publicly that they are a mewling coward. a gutless milksop. to admit that they’re loser who loves to lose.

lol nice try mother fucker

can you imagine how much better it would’ve been if panera had called itself “breadopolis” instead? in this alternate-reality fiction series, i—

only he who pulls the necco wafer from the stone in the middle of the rotary shall sit upon the throne of fluff

Breaking news: scientists discovered that we’ve actually run out of numbers. “We’re fucked” said one mathematician

"But we're making people miserable!" Yes that's the fucking idea you stupid motherfuckers. The people should be miserable, they elected the Make Everyone Miserable Party.

can you imagine how much better it would’ve been if panera had called itself “breadopolis” instead? in this alternate-reality fiction series, i—

seeing some takes like, "it was clear the gop wasn't going to budge on subsidies, so they had no choice” and i simply don’t understand why someone would go out of their way to announce publicly that they are a mewling coward. a gutless milksop. to admit that they’re loser who loves to lose.

Joyce Carol Oates owned Elon so hard he's spent the last day posting about movies he hasn't seen in 15 years

wife saw ‘oh, mary!’ on broadway this weekend and is pleased to report that jane krakowski slipped a “ME WANT FOOD!” into an ad lib

this is very much kevin’s bucket, but only bc stuart, seen here emerging from the basket in the souk scene in indiana jones, has other fish to fry

I can't wait to make a pilgrimage to the canned beef monument in sarajevo

can’t stand to wait at the airport. can’t stand to be in session. can’t be bothered to create parliamentary inconveniences. it would be cool to have some senators who didn’t treat the us senate like an annoying second job keeping them from more important things

you know who’s a good writer? ryan cooper

mods are asleep, post bored poutine