I was born in 1601. I am a vampire. And for that reason I’m out.

is there any better feeling than when the scissors just effortlessly glide along as you’re starting a c-section

the songwriter who figured out holly rhymes with jolly: oh my god. oh my GOD

does anyone know who they redacted here

scrooge: you there boy! what day is today? boy: why it's disclosure day! scrooge: *unnerving clicking noises*

askjeeves ceo: if you don't use askjeeves your family will die

why wasn’t yukon cornelius in more movies? were there allegations

*sarah connor narration* cyber monday

118 minute movie: quick, easy, maybe i will watch a second movie after 135 minute movie: when will i EVER in my LIFE have the time

FROM: [email protected] TO: [email protected] SUBJECT: re: can you print these pictures of donald trump with underage women hello jeffrey my friend. no for some reason

sir put on the glasses i just want to see something real quick

you can see why fascism is so popular when the other option is The Loser Party That Loves Losing

how beautiful that my faraway love and i are both looking up at the same pepsi logo

i had a sandwich thrown at me but the jury said it wasn't deadly. i should have told them my wife made it!

cuomo should have thrown in the towel a long time ago, like after pinkerton

legally mamdani now gets to take sliwa’s hat

sure cuomo lost but at least he was able to tell everyone that he is racist

🚨I’VE SEEN ENOUGH: Eddie Murphy isn’t simply portraying the titular Nutty Professor, but many of the Klumps as well

the millionaires and billionaires give us tiny candy bars and tell us they’re fun! meanwhile they’re dining on bars sized for kings!

*guy in the spin doctors rubbing his temples* now the song makes no sense...

if you want to start a headline “Boy Meets World star William Daniels, 98” you should actually start it “HE’S ALIVE AND ALSO Boy Meets World st

drake turning off the game as it gets to 18

I go to my wife, I say “what do you think about this ballroom” she says “they don’t take up too much room but they smell terrible”

social media manager: so the video is called "springsteen: deliver me from erowhon" and basically you drive around bringing smoothies to ubereats customers to promote the movie springsteen: i wrote jungleland

sonic youth? do you mean tails?

reporter: i see you’ve covered up a tattoo. what did that used to be? me, remembering my imagine dragons tattoo: uhhh nazi stuff

candidate: good news, i covered up my swastika tattoo by turning it into four small boxes campaign manager: and what did you put in the boxes candidate: campaign manager: candidate: campaign manager: candidate: campaign manager: was it four- candidate: it was four hitlers

*after people discover my hidden “I love racism” tattoo* ok so i guess now it’s illegal to support a local business?

republicans: it’s inappropriate to call your political opponents nazis republicans in group chats: hey guys jim “the nazi” hitler here and yes i do have the mustache

one side wants no kings, the other side wants kings. can’t we just find a common sense bipartisan solution like one king

statler: i heard she wrote “wood” about his penis waldorf: yeah and “cancelled!” about his playoff plans ha ha ha ha

my wife’s a singer just like taylor swift. yeah she wrote “wood” and my wife wrote “twig”

and to our enemies: FAFO Fiona Apple's Fetch the b Olt cutters

incredible to watch a movie in this moment about white supremacy, fascism, the surveillance state, racism and what happens when gabbys dollhouse gets stolen

literally nothing about trump. makes you think…

*writing a birthday note to my friend* i should mention the sex crimes

my wife loves dubai chocolate. yeah the problem is i have dupay for it. folks

democrats: the president putting the capital under martial law and using a secret police force to round people up is a distraction do NOT take the bait democrats one week later: ok we have to say something about this cracker barrel situation

weapons but when julia garner wakes up from her dream and looks up at the ceiling she sees this

free soup every day and i don’t even have to feed myself? gladys put the stick away, i’ll do whatever you want

oh you think this is roku city, zohran? you see any big ferris wheels? giant robots? no this is new york city, the home of chase bank

*after getting my head punched clean off my neck in the first round* ah but now it’s round two

they say it’s the most beautiful 9 word sentence in the english language

jeff epstein? the enigma who loves his birthday?

apparently now the woke scolds say it's wrong to relish in the joy of keeping secrets with your pal, the world's biggest pedophile

"seeing coldplay" is a pretty good euphemism for having an affair