what a headline www.404media.co/nancy-pelosi...

my therapist asked how my week was and I said "dick cheney is dead, benny is alive, and zohran mamdani is mayor of new york" and she snort-laughed

I will look for you, I will find you, and I will deliver your sandwich

you don't want to fuck with me. my father managed a jimmy john's. I know people

@foundingfahters u like what u see

undercover cop: "is that a sandwich in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? it's a sandwich? freeze, pervert. hands up."

low-information voter who thinks they just freed jared fogle

BlueSky shoutout on Abbot Elementary!

hey check this out: assault with a breadly weapon. thanks

yeah I'm a conservative feminist. I think women should be equal, respective to the reduced computing power of their brains, of course. no math, obviously

how my son (4) stands when the baby trips and falls and he wants us to know he had nothing to do with it

no they have for real pissed off the wrong ones. you do not want to run afoul of a suburban mom in head to toe Lululemon who's been corralling Jayden and Brayden around all morning. she will eat you for a high protein breakfast.

if we're re-litigating mid-aughts sitcoms I'm much more interested in talking about Community

tom brady shouldn't have cloned his dog. he should have cloned my dog instead

when I was 22 years old I was the only woman at my job, a junior copywriter in a small office full of devs. things they said to me in the six months I worked there include: - "the last girl that worked here made us cupcakes" - "you can come to the conference to stand around and look pretty"

the women in the workplace discourse is very funny because a man who can act normal in an office environment that's predominantly female is absolutely on easy street. it's maybe the best gig anyone in history has had. and yet for many guys it is utterly impossible

if you see me weeping in my garage do not panic. they just playing kermit on the radio

God I hope so, or I have been putting in all this effort for nothing.

Poet, musician, and software engineer nori li, here as @nori.gay, has died. She was phenomenally talented and dearly loved 💜 🏳️‍⚧️ 💜

Rest now sister. We have the kente. I'll see you in Wakanda.

Ross Douthat? I wish he would Ross Dou Less. thanks

If you're not reading the New York Times you're missing out

as a retirement gift nancy pelosi should give me a million dollars

saw a bumper sticker on a volvo that said “my other volvo is a volvo”

be kind. you never know whose kid woke up at 5 and hasn’t stopped talking since

ᵖᶦᵉ

still can’t believe this man somehow went back in time to pander to vulture readers, specifically

i got blueskied last night

"there are no more dogs in NYC" almost made me wake up the baby

tonight's election results were a load-bearing pillar of my mental health and i'm excited to announce i will NOT be going insane

2026 Primary Woke Wave

this victory also belongs to aloof wives

Big day for people who care about other people

i feel a nondenominational spiritual presence in this chili's tonight

dick cheney is dead, my 15 year old dog is alive, and zohran mamdani is the mayor of new york :)

mayor zohran mamdani must seize david harbour’s pussy palace and redistribute it

There are more of us than there are of them.

Debra Messing has joined the Proud Boys.

sure cuomo lost but at least he was able to tell everyone that he is racist

Woke 2.0 is about to hit like whatever the hell Hunter Biden was on

do you guys want to see the weird off brand devil spongebob I won for my kids in a claw machine today

whatever you think of Spanberger, the fact that her opponent ran a campaign based almost entirely on transphobia and is on track to eat shit in the biggest blowout the state has seen since 2009 is unambiguously a huge win

and i feel tom's ghost in this chili's tonight

yeah mom I finally got that job as a graphic designer. I’m doing Andrew Cuomo’s urinal ads

got dinner from the hot food bar at 99 ranch and the checkout lady opened every single one of my takeout boxes & made me go back and fill two of them fuller. 11/10 will patronize again

sorry but mamdani and cuomo should have worn blue and yellow hats, respectively

yes officer. that's the sandwich that assaulted me

I just got back from a walk. While I was walking through the park, a little white boy and his father flagged me down from the very other end of the park. Now to be fair, I have on my hat on, so I’m easy to spot lol. The little boy drew me this. A month ago. He has been waiting to see me again.