this false spring in the Bay Area on Super Bowl week beginning to piss me off. the very nice weather deprives SF tourists a core local experience: frantically buying a $100 low-quality sweatshirt bc the fog rolled in and they are caught in shorts and a t-shirt

a woman on Love Island USA told a guy she likes him and then asked what he was thinking about

From @acyn.bsky.social (posted on X) "Reporter: Do any of you have a favorite animal? Child: My favorite one is a gold snake that can move. It has gold eyes, and it has a super-duper tail… Reporter: Mr. Mamdani, the second question for you. Mamdani: Yes. It’s also the golden snake."

Need a mood boost? Watch the Pacific Northwest Ballet celebrate the Seattle Seahawks being in the Super Bowl

Clapping my flippers together and honking like a harbor seal when a Super Bowl ad for a condiment or gambling app featuring two celebrities unexpectedly reveals a third celebrity as its punchline. Bouncing a ball around on my snout. My wife has to throw me a herring to get me to calm down.

johnny weir and tara lipinski were perfect casting for the traitors. their instincts are terrible and they're bad at the game but they're having fun so i'm having fun

Can we please acknowledge the, er, penmanship here

The Lion is listening and learning from the concerns that the sheep community have raised.

"the president posted something nakedly racist" ok. thanks for the update. call me when he croaks

USPS blue mailboxes are stamped with year of manufacture. This is one of the oldest ones I've seen in a while. I am lots of fun at parties.

"It’s really frustrating to see that all these human beings making really cool sites that people want to go to are just not available on the default Windows search engine.”

i think the unsung hero of the 90s was that asian chick who told rivers cuomo she'd never heard of green day in order to get him to go away and he believed her and then put it in a song

"emma stone and yorgos lanthimos made a squarespace ad for the super bowl" you say, but I cannot hear you. the rocks in my pockets are already dragging me down to the bottom of the san francisco bay

the baby (19 months) at 7am: [banging on door with a shoe] “I WANT GO PARK”

skincare girlies in shambles at the reveal that peter thomas roth is in the epstein files. not the guy who makes my sunscreen wtf

I subscribe to whatever we’re calling this subsect of judaism

the baby (17 months) raised both her hands and said “WEADY?” so I said “ready!” and then she slapped me in the face

This is the only celeb anti-aging regimen that I 100% believe is real

new real estate euphemism just dropped: an inspection report for a house we're interested in reveals recent renovations were done "without the benefit of permits"

I won a ticket to the Super Bowl in an office raffle. it was honestly kinda mid but at least it was free

Incredible stuff happening at Spencer’s Gifts

zillow needs a comments section

is my husband ethically obligated to go check in on the lady at the gas station

Optimist: the glass is half full Pessimist: the glass is half empty Excel person: the glass is January 2nd

I had to make a spreadsheet for work and I showed it to my boss and he loved it and then I had to admit that even though I am a writer I'm also secretly a spreadsheets person

FEAR ME

this happened to me one time because I made fun of a thing some guy wrote in Vice. six months later I said a thing he felt contradicted that and was like "look at this hypocrite!!" buddy I barely remember what you said in your article, I probably made fun of it from the toilet

somebody’s sweet plums are crowding my icebox somebody’s cold plums are giving me chills

I want to know why Jason Segel isn’t involved in the revival of The Muppet Show. did he and Kermit have a falling out??

ben dreyfuss in the epstein files was the free space on my bingo card

baby (19 months) caught her own reflection in my glasses and said “I cutie!!”

skill issue

This is the one I was looking for. Detroit, MI

we were stopped at a red light and my husband started laughing hysterically and took out his phone. here’s the picture he sent me

Westboro Baptist Church tried to make an Anti-Luigi Mangione poster but it just looks like Luigi is threatening billionaires and goes unironically hard af

mine's all three (he is employed as my legal counsel)

WHAT'S up me hearties it be thy boy Ahab, with the biggest ounce of gold giveaway ever hath ye seen on the channel. Swerve not thy fixed purpose to attend this one, guys! But first I must tell ye the tale of SQUARESPACE, who be thy sponsor today

again we do not really do a good job of explaining how wealthy people like Jeff Bezos are his net worth is $253.2 billion. so he could take one million dollars, and just light it on fire and then do it again tomorrow and again the day after that and then do it every day for 693 years and 8 months

I wrote about 'MELANIA' johnpaulbrammer.substack.com/p/my-melania...

one must imagine sisyphus trying to log into his bank account with a 2 factor authentication code that expires after 15 minutes, and the system that sends the codes is on a 15 minute delay

as long as I live, I will never choose the correct one of these buttons on the first try. and that's okay. I am valid

someone in Kensington had their car window smashed overnight and I’m losing it

Cancelling everything but my Costco membership and shopping local. www.resistandunsubscribe.com

Costco CEO launching a hostile takeover of Amazon:

i am going to roast jeff bezos over an open flame like a rotisserie chicken

I’m doing my part 🫡

jesus christ that's foreboding

“A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me” by the kings of this game, Fall Out Boy

Pop singer Lorde will donate the $204,000 she made on merchandise sales from her sold-out Minneapolis shows last fall to two Minnesota immigrant rights groups.