I was born in 1601. I am a vampire. And for that reason I’m out.

that the Whos celebrate Christmas suggests some knowledge of Christ, but whether this is our anthropic Christ or a distinctive Who-Christ remains obscure; some have argued Christianity was introduced to them during their refuge with Horton, which of course turns us to the matter of Elephant Religion

Bringing back Limewire to illegally rip copies of reporting suppressed by the government is definitely some cyberpunk shit

I know I’m not the first person to say it but the hyper commercialization of the Grinch story is pretty sad and a perfect illustration of the ability of capital to absorb critiques painlessly

Tonight Ketkrókur (Meat Hook), the 12th of Iceland's 13 Yule Lads, comes down from the mountains. He loves meat and uses a long metal hook to steal mutton hanged up in rafters for smoking. Children leave their shoes out in the window, he gives the good ones a small gift, the bad ones get a potato.

The full spiked 60 Minutes CECOT package, clean & subtitled. 1/5

It is so essential for People In Charge to remember that, when it really comes down to brass tacks, they actually don’t have a CMS login

i finally watched "one battle after another" and my only critique is that i think vin diesel should have showed up during the final car chase

me: “im gonna nap while the kids nap” also me:

you rang?

Y’all got them dogs pushing the buttons forming complex ideas Nope… not me i need an idiot

i need to be a fly on the wall in cardi and meg’s group texts about nicki. please

the baby is running around with one of those long cvs receipts shouting “MONEY!!”

Everyone at work is mad at me because I conjured The Devil

inventing a service where, for a small monthly fee, you can ask a chatbot any of your questions. and then on the other end it’s me, lying my ass off

There's still time, girls

bari weiss killing every christmas piece at cbs until someone lands an interview with santa

please stop tapping on sally jenkins’ enclosure. it makes her too excited and she starts to slam her head against the wall

feeling very represented at glowfari this year

end of year checklist update: glowfari completed 🫡

did you screenshot me to quote dunk to your 37 followers? use alt text next time at least

then one foggy Christmas Eve all the reindeer were like bro Rudolph would be perfect for this And Santa was like aw that's chill less go

my kid doesn’t really understand the central premise of Rudolph because he’s like, why are they so mean about him looking different. the woke indoctrination is working. my children will defeat Christmas once and for all

my son (4) said he built a “crazy train” with his train set this morning so I introduced him to Crazy Train the song and now he’s playing trains and whisper chanting “CRAZY TRAIN” to himself

when my grandma died and we were dividing up her stuff I took the Ohio University Grandma mug I’d given her, it’s been in my regular rotation since 2010. just occurred to me this morning that I can give it to my mom now 🥲

Mr. Beast, all my friends and I were saying how good at boxing you’d be

tv volume has to be an even number because i have 2 ears. if it were odd where would the extra one even go

Passenger sitting in stalled Waymo at Masonic and Geary due to traffic lights being out. Approximately 130,000 San Francisco customers are without power after an outage impacted a large swath of the city on Saturday. 🎥 Gillian Mohney / SFGATE

me: “what’s wrong with your food?” 4-year-old: “well. it doesn’t taste good. that’s basically the problem”

Area Mom Asks About Adult Daughter’s New Tattoo, Is Dismayed to Discover Daughter “Just Thought It Looked Cool”

one must imagine sisyphus tidying the playroom

4-year-old, mid-hug: “what do you smell like?” me: “well I just took a shower so probably soap and shampoo. do I smell good?” 4: “no”

my maternal great grandparents lived in a tenement my paternal grandfather lost both his hands in a mining accident my father had four DUIs I am a proud heritage American

ICE moved their group of 200 traveling gestapo into Columbus, Ohio, and for the last few days my community has been scrambling, connecting, activating and showing up in the most magnificent way. There are so many different emergency trainings, protests, etc. that I physically can’t go to them all.

the baby broke the arm off my husband’s lucky cat so my father in law secretly took it home with him to fix it and then mailed it back. the arm fell off in transit

The year is 2192. The voters of San Francisco are voting on the Great Highway opening up to cars again. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

new plan to buy a house just dropped. just gotta get my commercial drivers license and a foot in the door at swift enterprises

In the Epstein line. www.justice.gov/epstein

in this house we cherish the holiday classics 🎄

this morning I thought to myself "god I wish I could cancel all my meetings today" and then the monkey paw twitched and I barfed

as far as I can tell, Threads is the website where you post about how much you hate your spouse. why are you saying all that to the internet instead of a divorce lawyer

it’s the kids’ last day of school for 2025! over Christmas break we will be going ✈️ ✈️ insane

Season 4 of THE WHITE LOTUS

I love my two blackout drunk Minnesota sons

just got this year’s Therapy Wrapped. I talked about my mom for 1000 minutes

I wrote about Trump’s ballroom and the right’s quest to remake the symbolic order for @nyreviewofarch.bsky.social nyra.nyc/articles/wre...

"He rolled his eyes, pulled faces, refused to make eye contact with those addressing him directly, had numerous side conversations, and simply walked away (at one point with food)." @maggietokudahall.bsky.social reports back from yesterday's Flock debacle: www.oaklandreviewofbooks.org/whipped-votes/

if pluribus happened to me I'd be like wow. everyone likes me :)

seven years ago I got us matching pajamas for christmas. benny hated it