Sounds like this hantavirus strain only spreads from close contact so I'm not that worried but it does highlight how you don't really want a Secretary of Health with a documented history of messin' with dead wild animals

They should add an extra day of the week called Doomsday for worrying

well maybe if you quit spending money on avocado toast and coffee you could actually afford to gamble online,

it took me too long to realize that this was "horseshit" censored and not new slang i didn't know about yet where "horses" meant bad

If I ever post a selfie on this account it means I am in danger and you need to call the police. Tell them Crab Man is in trouble.

If we didn't let people have so much money, we'd almost never have to talk about one guy for twenty years straight unless he died for our sins or something

I'm trying to see the news but it's obscured by the death of a wealthy celebrity

Herzog: Could it be zey call it SurveyMonkey because you are ze monkey?

10 years later I still say "this is really happening" before going in for a kiss

Sometimes I get an interaction from a new account that's so off-putting I'm afraid to block them like maybe if I just freeze they'll forget I'm here and move on

Any of you friendly people move and I'll hug every motherloving last one of ya

Welcome to bluesky, the hot new social media app where everyone knows who Ted Turner is.

Had to mute an account because their @ reminds me of my ex. Sorry @phdsupermodelastronaut

Yes, I am a "prepper" in that I am "prepared" to love my neighbor with a whole heart through the difficult period following society's imminent collapse.

Hereditary (2018)

No, not like in Born to Be Wild. I'm saying there is a head...out on the highway.

Love cubing tofu because it's as close as I'll ever get to doing the samurai thing where you slice a guy in half and he falls apart later

Oh, you're a painter? Name all the colors of the wind.

I should be able to delete a file while a program is using it. The program will just have to figure it out. Who is in charge here?

It's called Five Guys as in "provides the daily recommended calorie intake for Five Guys." They almost called it "One Guy Over 5 Days."

Few years ago I hung baskets full of nesting goodies and tasty chewing sticks for small mammals to try and keep the squirrels from stripping bark off the hackberry trees. Didn't really work but now they just chill in the baskets sometimes.

boom

No worker is underperforming on stolen land

Getting called on after zoning out in a meeting and replying "this used to be a vast prairie"

Great grandfather built mazes. Grandfather built mazes. Father was in venture capital but he built mazes on the weekends. By the time I was born there were no mazes left to build. Everyone was already lost.

When something needs to be fixed and I don't do it right away my s/o will start asking how it's done like "so the shower light, you just pop the fixture out and replace the bulb? Okay...I see" as if she might do it.

Looking at my electrolyte mix and thinking I guess I'll always love little bags of white powder

Did you guys think the war was over? I did. They got me twelve times.

Caught myself thinking "there should be a Mexican hummus" again

If someone burst into the room and said "grab your things, I've come to take you home," can you even imagine how romantic that would be?

Hey bud, do you work unloading trucks at the sawmill? Because it's time for you to log off

This country used to have Star Wars now we have Start Wars! Ha ha ha, oh dear, oh my goodness, we are in a real pickle.

More companies should give out Vendor of the Year awards. More of the companies I work for. More of my clients should give me an award.

if you're young enough that you played on something that looks like this as a child, you should make sure that you live at least 200 feet above sea level. ocean's coming

If a client isn't pleased but they provided the assets, don't say "garbage in, garbage out" say "should we calibrate our expectations to the source material?"

If I were Stephen King, I simply would not allow Tucker Carlson to own a cabin in Maine.

Redrawing my jogging route to avoid several heckin' pupperinos

completely disrespectful to my shitposting agenda

So if something happens to that one strait, the whole civilization collapses? That is a great system, well done. Have you thought about colonizing Mars? You'd be good at it.

These Cotton Candy Grapes are obscene. What have they done?

Why was Giuliani called America's Mayor? I forget.

🚨🚨🚨

I call him Rudy Jeweliani because he is a gem of a man

it's funny that men are so into history but can't remember anything that you like or believe or said

Me every Sunday lately

When I see two people argue online I think "my god, both of you know so much. I don't belong anywhere near this conversation."