Coming out of a Family Restroom and telling a waiting family "you snooze, you lose"

Trim my longest, most progressive eyebrow hair? Like some allegory of conformity? I don't think so.

In Heaven, all the electronics just work. There's no more troubleshooting.

How can someone have all this and be unhappy

Elon not being happy despite having all the money is like someone losing at a game in tutorial mode, which he also does

Man I don't care if it's right seven times a day, eight times a day. We need a new clock. It needs to be right 100% of the time.

Email blast? No, I can't say I've ever experienced that.

How bout a relentless expression of dis pair huh pal (crude gesture)

When I said "I've been down this road before" I meant being lost. I've never seen this road in my life.

Oh cool, you're on threads? That's what I'm hanging on by

Telling my mother "we're in the endgame now"

Eating in the kitchen window moonlight like the Phantom of the Opera

AI Phantom of the Opera call that Phantom of the Slopera

If your documentarian doesn't have a sadness behind their eyes, you can do better

Taking pills during a zoom call without breaking eye contact, nodding the whole time

An account you control, @PagliacciDaClown, has been suspended for the following post: "Who up doing clown shit, lmao? I'm thinking about ending my own life." Our moderation policies aim to encourage healthy discourse. For an example of a user we think exemplifies this spirit, see @PagliacciDaClown

Sharing your screen with someone is among the most intimate human experiences

You couldn't write Home on the Range today, every other word is discouraging

(normal American thoughts) I could take the skull mask guy

Millions of files released and not a single mention of birdsong. Speaks volumes.

Finished rehearsing the day's anticipated interactions and am ready to leave the bathroom

There should be a website that keeps track of who is alive so it's easier to setup a dead man's switch

Asking my lawyer if it's illegal to give federal agents the finger at a polling station

Never took shop class. Buying things came naturally to me.

"Read Chomsky" they said "I can't understand it" I said well whose stupid now

Went to the doctor today with a list of demands

today's Textures: sunlight through glass blobs outside the Louisiana Children's Museum

Has anyone checked on Venezuela

You got your dream job? That's cool. I like to chill in my dreams mostly.

Start so many work days thinking "one way or another, this is gonna be over in ten hours"

We have to take their money away. That's it. 🤷🏻

Making it make sense: Epstein wasn't a global mastermind. He did not orchestrate a vast conspiracy that led us to today. He was a very rich man with connections to other very rich men. The shared culture of these men is that they have a right to dominate and abuse others without consequence.

For years, I thought DEFCON 5 was more serious than DEFCON 1, and I'll be honest: a lot of people died

Incredible to cry for help online for years and people call it your timeline and let you know when they like an outburst

When I was a teenager we scored some Rolling Rock and I thought it was a really fancy beer. Anyway, that's the last time I was wrong.

We have returned the Lorax to the Dr. Seuss estate. He was a massive bummer.

they should invent an asparagus that doesn't have downstream effects

This is like watching someone make a scarf out of spiderweb silk. It's interesting as art and as a technical achievement, while being utterly useless.

I should be entered to win something anytime I use my credit card

anyway back to shitposting

Me (when someone quotes my post): No, bitch Me (when I quote someone's post & they detach it): No, bitch

Feeling gratitude to and pity for the people who make a living keeping track of all of these a-holes. There are so many.

Probably past time to have a meeting about what to do that politicians aren't invited to attend.

Earnest politics post warning but @sarahkendzior.bsky.social has been calling this shit for literally like 10+ years largely by believing the things Trump et al said explicitly out loud

John Q*bert Mellencamp

Who better to suck on a chili dog than Q*bert (alt text, young John Mellencamp standing next to a Q*bert machine with a big smile on his face)

⭐ Bluesky Achievement Unlocked: a saved post deleted

We can do this the easy way or the hard way, or the poached way or the scrambled way, or we can make this an omelette

Some people keep a gun in their car but I keep a little white flag to wave