if you ate food from 2005 you could become ill. but in 2005 you ate it all the time

Every year blueberries get a little bigger. I hope I live to see blueberries the size of a plum.

taping the small dorito pieces at the bottom of the bag together to make a normal size dorito makes them taste like tape

Hypothetically I think I could take Stephen Miller in the octagon

let’s start calling sweatpants, pajama pants, and any other non-constricting soft pants “boneless pants”

Some people delete their posts every 30 days. I go back and like mine secretly.

Thanks for having me over, great time, hey can I bum a couple AA batteries?

God said love thy neighbor but they started it is all I'm sayin

who up doing monster phrenology

Usually swans mate for life but ours just sat us down and broke the news: they are conscious uncoupling.

Oh you're on bluesky? What's your Banger to Cringe ratio?

Owner of a lonely heart, you are parked in a fire lane. This is your final warning.

Scarfacing a huge pile of cotija cheese

That shit has sailed bro. Oh it's ship? I like my version.

At this point, the idea that you could positively influence the fascists is just an overinflated ego playing tricks on you.

throwing a privy party. if you know you know

Me: Bummed that the sun is exploding SmugFellow76: Too much solar radiation has always been bad

Kinda shut down when people tell me to shut up

Can't help but read air traffic chaos headlines as "Hairless Apes in Flying Machine Mess"

Type of guy who won't admit to believing in the supernatural, saying only "I've seen some things I can't explain."

Content warning: you're getting too content.

Unbreak your heart? Pretty sure that's not a word. Also, I've moved on.

Giving the name Dorcas Creg at Starbucks until somebody gets it and loses their mind

If you don't want us to Purge maybe don't make five movies!

if i had to see this today so do you

Misting the lizard this morning

Cool, cool, cool

God only knows what I'd be without you (derogatory)

For a while there it looked like we were all gonna live happily ever after, eating out of food trucks

Got a big business fish on the line, trying to land it, then I'll fillet it (do the work outlined in the contract), and eat it (receive payment)

My right thumb joint has 250,000 miles on it

Back on my bullshit

Lots of people confusing popularity for virtue these days.

It's Friday night, and you know what that means! Time to put on a horse costume and stand motionless in my neighbor's garden for 6 hours

Damn Kamala called her book Let's Go Brandon, that's hardcore

New rule: ten push-ups for every meta post. Starting...now.

The truth, the truth, the truth is on fire

Straight out of Fridgehacker by William Gibson. I swear that guy's a time traveler.

It's a 17:00 shadow actually, my face is on military time

Adding a rope to swing myself in and out of bed like a swashbuckler

I found the worst Animorph

hey im sorry i have to hang up. Something is breaking in my window. Yeah the yonder one. Some sort of light

A fine #FeatureFriday to you! This is the day of the week, where we pick an album by a Blue Sky artist and present it to you. Today, we have something deceptively easy to listen to, that still has depth: the self-titled album by @particledogs.bsky.social! particledogs.bandcamp.com/album/partic...

It's official: I'm taking up the blade.

Yes, dear, I agree we must cancel Disney+ on principle. What's that? It's our only source for streaming The Santa Clause? Which we do multiple times each year for some reason? Dammit! Damn this cruel moral sacrifice! But we must. We must.

This account is now controlled by a consortium of investors including Oracle, Silver Lake, and Andreessen Horowitz

FRIEND: [tells me their baby's due date] ME, under breath: Scorpio...

“Graphic design is my passion”