don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining!! tell me about that piss!!!

The wet bandits withstand so much damage from kevin’s attacks. They should be called the Powerful Bandits

why is micheal tracey not just constantly getting kicked out of every building he enters for being how he is. it's not like he's good at anything, why is he allowed anywhere

it's so cool how taibbi lives in his own world where the twitter files were seen as a major piece of reporting full of earth shattering revelations and so he's constantly going "these guys are acting like they've never read the twitter files!!"

guys showing up in my mentions to prove they're not goofy

(suddenly turning the music way down at a party) hey sorry guys can i just get everyone to take a quick look around for my hug

bro that email you sent me was so sick, how da fuck did you put your name in cursive, it's like you're a hacker bro i'm serious, the FBI probably has a file on you, dude you should lay low until this email blows over for real tho

so the Racial Apology Bracket is wide open, let's get to it. our new "universal donor" replacing whites on top ah, tough break i love these guys, it's the Slavs. let's bring that delegation up— ok actually they are fighting so let's move on. oh my gosh at number two another HUGE shock, the Filipinos

hey fuck off but also nice, that was awesome

"they're attacking their own!!!" hey what's this you're doing right now

it's cool to get a QT that's like What The Heck? Is This Post Being Crazy Or Strange? i feel like their world just popped from black and white into technicolor. moments ago they didn't know about saying weird stuff. now their jack skellington ass is scrolling dril posts like What's This What's This

when the unsuspecting passengers of a sinking yacht decide to abandon it and take their chances on a derelict ghost ship, that's gotta be like the olympics for those ghosts. you know they're pulling out their best stuff for these poor saps. whereas with a haunted house there's so much foot traffic,

🎶 what if a metal horse was able to blow loads/ bag hanging from his chin this robot eatin' oats/ guy who made it would soon forget and don't ask why/ please just accept that it's addressed in future times/ animatronic animal/ that also is alive/ i hope you had a good time online/ 🎶

of course you see them on tv all the time now but it was a really big deal back in the day for a mainstream show like ER to cast a pez dispenser

cowboy who stubbed his toe:

if they never found the guy inside the mechanical turk it would have been a machine for real. if they buried balloon boy in the back yard he would've been in the balloon for real. ope hold up gotta follow that road runner into this tunnel i painted

i think the intention is for you to just crap out the chestbursters but these dumb ass facehuggers are always smooshin they dingers down the windpipe on accident

i get so much of this crap cause my phone number is one digit off from god's

guys showing up in my mentions to prove they're not goofy

i hold the guinness world record for most easily disproven lie

freddy crougar mellencamp

so the Racial Apology Bracket is wide open, let's get to it. our new "universal donor" replacing whites on top ah, tough break i love these guys, it's the Slavs. let's bring that delegation up— ok actually they are fighting so let's move on. oh my gosh at number two another HUGE shock, the Filipinos

when i realized It's Something Unpredictable was the same number of syllables as Animatronic Animal i got a poster's high

Green Day just gave me one of their Grammys for this. so if anyone wants a Grammy,

are you out of your mind?? he'd be unstoppable. you know, some of us still have fathers to worry about

"lies are actually the truth if they can't be disproven" is such a cool way to think and live

if a trick fools you it's real

hey man i think you grabbed my shoes, yours are over here AI GUY: well let's think about what a shoe is. something that feet go inside. so you're saying i grabbed your apartment? what do you even mean? only THESE are shoes and they're YOURS? i don't think that kind of essentialism is a helpful lens

Pepsi Cubed: Same GREAT Taste, Perilous NEW Bottle Pepsi³ EVERY. SIDE. OPENS.

i get so much of this crap cause my phone number is one digit off from god's

check out what this is replying to

Retweet if you want your Christmas presents NOW

it's been weird at night lately cause of there's this big glowing green line now when you go outside. or when i do anyway, jesus i hadn't considered it could just be me

if a monster attacked me i'd for sure be all, WHAAAA!?!? cause that's not something you ever expect. though i guess maybe there's been a series of nearby monster attacks already when it happens. in that case i'd probably say like, oooh right. from the news

hey man i think you grabbed my shoes, yours are over here AI GUY: well let's think about what a shoe is. something that feet go inside. so you're saying i grabbed your apartment? what do you even mean? only THESE are shoes and they're YOURS? i don't think that kind of essentialism is a helpful lens

amish guy going out behind the barn to sneak a quick peek or two at a flashlight

(suddenly turning the music way down at a party) hey sorry guys can i just get everyone to take a quick look around for my hug

yeah man, big agree on that. for sure. whole bunch of stuff. anyway is that all you called to tell me or,

Hapless rube in commercial for AI: Gemini, what does the recipe mean by, “finish by broiling on top rack for 4 minutes”? 😩 Gemini: Amazing job on the cooking! It can be scary. First of all, an oven is like an epic car without wheels that gets hot

Pepsi Cubed: Same GREAT Taste, Perilous NEW Bottle Pepsi³ EVERY. SIDE. OPENS.