Off-season beaches are the best beaches. Next question.

one day my kids will take away my phone and put me in a home and then some poor underpaid aid will have to listen to me say things like jorkin it or gooning

the two wolves inside of me died and are now haunting my multitudes

Sometimes you gotta sit on a pier and feed seagulls while wearing a crown. Do you. 📸: San Francisco, California

Can't even get somebody to relate to my universal experiences, like the ones I did for you, and you and you and gagged the whole time

are you more pie than person rn that’s okay this week isn’t even real

Haven’t eaten a vegetable in six days.

Watched the sunrise with angels this morning.

Colour Saturated Crescent Moon - From Rolf Wahl Olsen - https://flic.kr/p/dUwAqK

Night strolls on Mulberry. Got talked into a plain slice, and a bench to snack on. 📸: Little Italy - Manhattan, NY

Ready to represent my country in the time-honoured sport of refrigerator tetris

*puts milk for Santa back in the attic*

i always take a picture of my erection so it'll last longer

These tits have never been calm. Nary a pill has chilled me. Not a single horse has ever been held

in 2026 you’re going to need to like and repost me but also put away my groceries

Saying goodbye to 2025 like / Greeting 2026 like

pls don’t ask me to remove my antlers they’re medicinal

🖤

*slowly running my long, slender fingers over their rock hard body* i hope this turkey thaws in time for new year’s day

i think 2025 felt like having rabies

i enjoy things that aren’t this

new year’s resolutions are for the weak i fulfill my vision of being the worst 24/7 365

shoutout to everyone out there fixing specialty foods for people that don’t deserve it. like the dip only my aunt barb will eat while she goes on and on about how the palace killed princess catherine and replaced her with a clone

don’t worry, kids, i’m tracking santa that son-of-a-bitch won’t get away with it on my watch

2026 is already making me tired

Quantum physics suggests that Santa could deliver gifts worldwide by existing as a matter wave, allowing him to be in multiple places simultaneously and remain unobserved.

someone properly used the word zeitgeist and ngl it made me kinda hot

me, the moment it says “out for delivery”

First Christmas with the kitten and... #caturday

*overhead crackling of the loudspeaker* attention costco shoppers: the twelve days of xmas refers to the days from xmas to the epiphany thank you

All I want 4 Christmas is divine retribution

standing under some parsley and hoping a lasagna will kiss me

✨ Vintage Christmas wrapping paper ✨ - here's a nice thread featuring some beautiful designs from the midcentury era (1940s-60s). Hope this gets you in the mood for Christmas-y stuff. #wardsmorguefile

I like that mistletoe increases the odds of being kissed. More plants should offer temporary environmental status. Brawling under lingonberries. The soft yearning of a love that dare not speak its name beneath the nightshade.

*walking around in circles on my bed before laying down*

sorry can you repeat that my formerly-feral cat who used to eat garbage is screaming at me for his morning dollop of whipped cream

Mayor: “We need to top this Christmas tree with a star somehow…” Shaedon Sharpe: “Say less.”

Have yourself a feral little christmas

On the first night of winter, St. Nautilus flies through the air, pelting good children with candy and dousing the naughty ones in ink.

yeah but have you seen this? 😸

She looks like she gets on stage every night to sing a 45 minute medley that’s mostly the n-word

ODIN SKYLINE CLEANSE 🐕🖤

[🎶Frosty the Snowman🎶] Cthulhu the Old One Is a cosmic entity While he hibernates Cthulhu dreams and waits Causing our anxiety

the sluttiest thing a dog can do is not fix their flipped up ear

I meant well. I think it was on a Thursday in 1978.

Mr. Beast, all my friends and I were saying how good at boxing you’d be

how the fuck do the Flintstones know about Christmas

bluesky is not boring! in my timeline this morning alone there were 8 separate posts about soup, and like, all different kinds

Between the fact that his heart was two sizes too small and he seemed obsessed with the noise coming from Who-Ville, it's possible the Grinch was simply suffering from migraines caused by his untreated vascular issues.