yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift and that’s why i hope you kept the receipt

Late season butterfly and moth captures 📸🦋

i threw a flaming jack-o-lantern head at you on a bridge pls respond

A little wandering around a favorite space. Quick Trip - 008 - Siletz Bay National Wildlife Refuge || Lincoln City, Oregon 📸🎞️

ODIN SKYLINE CLEANSE 🐕🖤

Carjacked a Waymo but had to threaten it with a magnet.

Am I happy? No. But am I living a meaningful life? Also no

Really, Google Gemini can do everything? Then let's see it fuck off

Apparently Travis doesn't have a tux that's suitable for the wedding. He better get to the tailor swift.

please i am begging whoever has my voodoo doll stop making it read the news

'You're a nice guy, but you mistake kindness for romantic interest' she flirted.

Alexa, stop the world, I want to get off.

screaming into the V ast O pening of I nfinite D espair

people saying bad things about you? internet drama got you down? try this. put your phone in your pocket. now how is your real life affected

My Onlyfans would be called GrannieFans and it would just be me sharing anecdotes from my teens in the 80’s.

I'll tell you Sharon, if this Count Dracula fellow who bought the abandoned abbey next door doesn't cut that grass soon I have half a mind to call the HOA.

“I take no joy in your misfortune,” I lied.

what if all the voices in my head are just pretending to be me

a beaver is mathematically exactly halfway between an otter and a capybara

If you smoked an actual donut, would your eyes glaze over?

Moon for the skyline.

if you see a fork on the road sit on it

Still positive, and feeling very negative about it

my enemies are once again using praise and food reward to defeat me

me: absolve me harder daddy priest: quit saying it like that

dragons keep track of their treasure by weighing it with their scales

One of the easiest promises to keep is that regardless of what is said after your death, you won't be turning in your grave

everything is in my head all the time and i just think that’s too many things

who up couping they d'état

I can hear your ghost in the other room only when you're not there, that means we really believe in each other, just like any mysterious unexplainable couple in a relationship called "houdiniamorous"

Saving my posts may cause dizziness, blurred vision, and a sudden sense of regret.

Not insomnia it’s quitting this dream to spend quality time with my demons

O Scotland, Scotland!

It's a confusing time. I don't even know who my real imaginary friends are anymore.

Would be nice if someone were nice to me right now

i'm selling a guitar on marketplace and some doorknob offered me a pixelart nft of the same guitar in trade and sent me an image of it and told me it was a 1 of 1 so i downloaded it and replied that now it was a 1 of 2 and this was the last thing he said before i blocked him

a Zoom plugin that plays a continuous airhorn when a meeting goes over time until everyone logs off

Free range and gluten-free. You know, like peaches and gasoline.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

you don't have to like it but we're all a little bit Linda

Going Florida sober this month (meth and orange juice)

THE INVENTOR OF NEWS: okay, don’t be mad but HEY I SAID DON’T BE MAD OKAY YOU’RE MAD I GET IT BUT

I’m a disillusioned housewife in a film, I must wander the supermarket buying cereal.

it's too early for this but y'all think E.T. and Alf would fuck

Keep your enemies close and your nine inch nails closer

I wash my going out clothes on HOT

The guiding force of my whole life has been the futile effort to get the last of the tater tots before my five siblings did

I have nothing good, interesting, or funny to post so obviously I'll be back to doing that again tomorrow.