Horrible new bullshit from the sea every time. It’s never ‘oh we found a new pink fish that is so happy’ it’s always stuff like this, the crush-depth screw-headed dongwongler, and it’s got to have big long creepy bits. Sick of the ocean tbh.

some people say posing naked while riding a tiger for this black velvet painting is tasteless but i take being a muse very seriously

Them: Anything you want me to tell your family Me: The Mitochondria Are The Powerhouse Of The Cell

Telling my kids that their goldfish is "off to have a wonderful conversation with Mitch McConnell". The toilet, aware of my ruse, makes a more mournful flush than usual.

I got pulled over for speeding and told the cop "No fuss, twas merely a tit of a squiffle," now I'm a Duke

My dad was a poet so I could never really join in when the other boys would argue about whose dad could beat up the other dads, but I was confident that my dad could make your dad feel seen in ways that would quietly devastate him.

putting bsky down under other illnesses on this medical form

Fuck ICE and fuck a government that allows and encourages this shit

Yeah, the elves are beautiful but I’d rather be one of those hobbit women running around the Shire with no shoes on and eating all day.

I napped for hours to avoid everything. It was great.

[water slide deposits me onto conference room table] we need an app that shows the nearest Black Diamond watermelon

🎵and i said “what about that one epiphany”🎶

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

I’m not saying she’s a coin-digger, But she ain’t messing with nobody [who was buried without a coin]

i wanna break the glass ceiling by being the first ferrywoman for the river styx

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.” “Yep.” “Is he making that stupid face?” “Yep.”

Thanks for the follow I’m terrible.

ATTENTION JAMES FANS: it only took me 10 months, but my video document of James performing at the Orpheum Theatre in Los Angeles, CA on September 27, 2025 is available now on my channel; go check it out NOW I HAVE SPOKEN www.youtube.com/playlist?lis...

“I’m sorry I made things weird,” I say as I set down my marionette rotisserie chicken.

yeah, i got a targeted ad for old lady crepey skin lotion so your personal problems seems pretty lame to me rn ok

if i ever meet whoever’s controlling my brain the first thing i will say is ‘what the heck is your problem’

I didn’t have a panic attack. It was more like a panic caress.

me, listening to the crescendo in Franz Liszt's Liebestraum No. 3 in A-flat Major (S. 541, No. 3): lol settle down franz you're gonna pee

i like to think of my posts as a form of age verification

planes should give free alcohol to people chaperoning their parents

This day in history. 1999. Nunavut Day in Canada celebrates the separation of the mostly Inuit-occupied Nunavut Territory from the Northwest Territories. It was originally held on April 1. Come to Nunavut this summer. You'll be quite taken by the polar bears.

the cicadas are singing about death and fucking, fucking and death

The other kids could never find me during hide-and-seek. My go-to hiding place was beneath the rotting threshold of an early 18th century saltbox among the ritualistically placed animal bones

It's days like these I envy the mole people.

A vampire story where everyone has been turned into a vampire and they just stream shows and go to jobs

Beard care products are always made to appeal to the most toxic men. Just want a soft beard not to smell like bourbon and felony assault

Conducting all human interaction through a closed door that I now carry with me at all times.

what’s wrong with me why won’t food love me back

mitch mcconnell won’t see your joke about how you just got off the phone with mitch mcconnell, but your friends in vegetative states will

[deleting my post after only getting 5 likes in 24 hours] I hope no one saw that

Seeking an orgasm powerful enough to factory reset my brain.

Just realised I can see my own legs when I look down. That's a nice touch by the developers

*walking into the vet’s office with a can of salmon Can you save my fishy?

Some little fancy pants has a new harness 😄🤗

the inevitable transition from gifted child to social media addict to supernova to black hole

anton chigurh: heads or tails. you must chose. me: is that a Prince Valiant cut? anton: yeah it used to have more volume me: you want to use something light on it, no silicone-heavy washes and of course... both of us (laughing): blow dry from the roots! me: alright heads anton: it's tails

talked to ruth bader ginsberg for 20 minutes today she’s resting and healing and working on behalf of the supreme court

Stop what you’re doing right now and look at my friend’s dog. His name is Puck.

Did vikings signal each other using norse code?

remembering some guys today, internet edition. remember favstar?

sending him pics of my suspicious looking mole bc i know how to keep the magic alive in a relationship

Could be us

i carry this baby rattle around bc just like with snakes i feel people should get a little warning that they’re upsetting me and i’m going to bite them

They never miss a delivery