One happy trade-off of being old: the majority of the truly stupid stuff i did in my life happened when dial-up was a luxury and smartphones were science fiction.

the sandwich guy walking away from the court house and suddenly, his limp disappears

Let any whose prejudices would keep them from performing their jobs well do the same.

My panic room is just my medicine cabinet

Oil is the most Lovecraftian thing that actually exists. You're telling me that there's a black ichor under the earth made from the ancient dead, whose burning can realize all the dreams of man, but only at the price of slowly returning the earth to its primordial state?

Them: Omg are you drunk Me: Hiccup…burp Shouts Team Pluto Pluto forever Swings around falls on floor

Can’t, looking at Christmas hats for the pets Omgomgomg there’s even a Sherlock Holmes hat and cape Squeal….. Sherlick Bones God I love me

Amazon 😱😱

It's almost the weekend

I’m bringing sexy back, but I only got store credit…

First of all, my Aqua Groove Aerobics instructor is MEAN.

Realized a frozen sandwich just hits differently

Angry Birds physics but with sandwiches

i wouldn’t say my third eye is blind but my prescription is pretty strong

I do love a good mis en place

A trillion dollars doesn't even exist it is some hallucination of a number no human can possibly imagine

whistlin dicks, see

I’m bringing sexy back but it’s just my progressive lenses in my new glasses.

I’m bringing sexy back but it’s just my fupa

Logging on. Good evening.

Dont serve MAGA

dirty mind, dirty deeds 😜

A doe, Canada geese and a red fox deserve credit for this wonderful abstract in the mud. 😊🍂

I was embarrassed for his mother when he got in front of the RNC Convention and announced this. You could see how uncomfortable she was. It's like he couldn't wait to get in front of a huge crowd and tell the world his mother was a lousy parent and an addict.

Sandwich Guy got acquitted. At least the justice system isn’t quite as stupid as I believed them to be. It’s still stupid, but it could be worse.

Them: So what other talents do you have Me: I churn my own butter and give great hand jobs

Here is a nice mushroom

Sunrise disturbs my nocturnal tendencies. For years we used to say it was time to leave the bar when the morning school bus picked the neighborhood kids up at the stop in front of the tavern. Now I’m that child on the corner, in the dark, with a chill & a longing.

keep yourself humble by inadvertently catching yourself on your ring camera

I just sneezed so hard I feel funny in my bathing suit place

I leave in an hour to get my second shingles shot. For those of you that had the two shingles shots, was the second one worse or better or the same as the first in terms of after-effects?

hey friends and lovers, still working on this while I am unemployed and we are trying to pay back loans, please donate if you're able too, and share 💜 spot.fund/frwsm1bsc

them: iykyk me: what?

So they fired her and I helped her carry her stuff to the car and now I am having flashbacks of that asshat firing me when I was sick and I'm eating the biggest Snickers I could find at the gas station.

A t-shirt which reads: I am a problem for future me.

at least tomorrow is not Monday

Calm down hardware store I don’t need to walk through an Enchanted Christmas Wonderland to get to the socket wrenches

Debra Messing has just boarded a flight carrying a box cutter

live, laugh, i sucked your dad off again

Saw-whet owl by Larry James. WDFW.

I think you could probably go weirder with it tbh..

Arlo and myself are listening to Mile Davis, and I'm finding it very relaxing while I do year end appraisals. Every one is a cool cat.

Why the rich don't like using the subway

when I punch you, it usually means I’ve said something stupid. don’t even try to come at me.

Dysphoria can suck my fat cock 🫩

A thing that I think is good is when a human creates a piece of art

Every drawer can be a junk drawer if you commit to it.

unlike you guys, i only suffer from posters gladness

imagine my chapped lips. no. crustier. happy thirsty thursday.

I think anyone who observed my life from the outside would probably be surprised to learn that I don’t own a robe