Thanks to those posting entertaining skeets for me to read while I avoid many client texts. I appreciate you.

Time to straighten right out

This adorable mf worried about his hair

Sneezing so loud and so many times in a row that the dogs go hide in the other room

Fuck you. Get a best friend like my best friend. She’s so pretty I’d let her ruin my life.

White men are too emotional to lead

save your money and stop makin me cry

i say nice things about myself now and that’s why i can’t post good no more THANKS THERAPY, GODDD

Me: "I'm tipping you 30% because I am certain you'll invade my dreams with swords for the next 30 years." Hun: "40. Make it 40." Me: "percent or years?" Hun: Yes. Make it 47. Next question?"

PLEASE NOTE MY GREY FUZZY PAJAMAS THAT I GOT SO ME N CHLOE MATCH

THE DARKNESS!!!!

Just a couple cuties doin cutie things.

Will you give us a hand?

imagine getting stung by a jellyfish after everyone ate asparagus

Can we stop posting that truth social posts for fuck's sake? I mean we already know he's an evil piece of shit do we not?

My dudes. Stop calling her hun or sweetie or whatever. Call her the dark goddess that creeps into your dreams or the object of your eternal devotions or the hot, dark thing that keeps you up at night. Make her feel special, you dumb dick.

this might ruffle some feathers but i think Guns n Roses are pretty overrated

its fucking cold

"have you tried clearing your cache" Listen to me, if there is one thing I will never do, it is clear my cache. You're going to have to make it work without me doing that.

Merriam-Webster’s human editors have chosen ‘slop’ as the 2025 Word of the Year.

When you get fired from being bestie.

[Me, narrating a documentary on seagulls] Just look at these fucken swole pigeons.

If there is no bottom, what are we gonna spank?

god forbid a girl wants to be cherished

I drink it all day. Dunno if folks think I’m joking, but it’s not rare for me to have one right before bed.

enough of this slim Jim bullshit. bring me the full Jim

*drinks three shots of espresso* *goes to bed*

A major part of having dogs is asking why is that wet

I don’t think that’s going to fix you, but go ahead - me, to myself, looking at stuff and things.

Of course I love you babe. I got your license plate number tattooed on my lower back so you know it’s real.

[trying to explain to a Republican why losing Rob Reiner feels so devastating] so like, imagine your favorite rapist died

Shit that never fails to make me laugh.

Waving at the neighbors who don’t know the rules about looking into their neighbors apartments and making it super weird because they should know better.

Ghostly Victorian child can't hear you over the joyous squelch of the jellied eels.

Girl, this data is critical, won't you back that NAS up?

Strong noses. I love me a nice, prominent, pretty nose. It makes the face.

turns out relaxing my anus was a bad idea.

Follow me for more life advice. Good morning! 🩷

Anyway, watch my videos y’all. I only need 2,263 more watch hours to get monetized. youtu.be/mEzlRoMSnz4?...

This

giving people shiny rocks and objects and asking if they want to be my friend

If you remember this we can be friends.

This will never not make me laugh

This has been a bone chilling December on so many levels. Sending you all a little love and tenderness amidst all the cold, and violence and hatred. *Big Hug*

Lulu pondering the fate of humanity

I had my colors done once a few years ago. So I wear jewel tone camis under my greys or my blacks. What? It still suits my complexion even if no one can see it, right?

[me] hope he likes me [also me] *trolls him*

The color of the sky in Seattle is light sky blue #83daff

That’s it I’m knocking over a Vegas casino next week this FBI couldn’t solve a purse snatching inside a moving bus