Me too puppy, me too.

Yesterday I learned that mother harp seals have the shortest nursing period in the mammalian world. 10 days. After that, the mamas go their own way and the pups are on their own to learn to hunt and swim and everything. The pups gain as much as four pounds per day before they’re weaned.

We should hide a little plastic baby inside a random hot dog every now and then. It'd be like the wiener was pregnant. And your mouth helped deliver the baby.

I like anime but more than likely hate your favorite anime.

i hate when a vampire bites me and then complains that i gave them a toothache

I fell asleep on the couch this morning and avoided half the day. 5 star recommend

don’t make me love you. you wouldn't like me when i love you

Finally found the perfect light for my bedroom…

Waking up with Chloe cuddles >

i need a girl with a nose ring and multiple tattoos to tell me which planets are making me sad rn

the hardest part about separating the art from the artist is how i seem to have glued myself to this macaroni picture

A beaver that's aggressively good at its job is a daminatrix.

WIFE: what are you doing in there ME: *in the bathroom staring at a candle* watching john wick

at this point, i make more enemies on dating sites than i do potential love interests

I think I'm just gonna start saying "holy shit you're so hot" when I see someone attractive. Subtly isn't working *me looking away when they look at me*

$1 means the world to me, if I could get some shares it also means a lot to me 🙏🏽 I am about to lose everything very fast. Between medical bills, my lease being up and I having to move before the end of the year I’m struggling. ko-fi.com/jumpyjellybe... My business is my sole income.

how do i put my phone in depeche mode

Ghosts & such.

I am sad to report that Cinnamon's hip is broken & he is in need of further surgery, which I cannot currently afford as a single mother of 2 (even with credit). I have created a gofundme if anybody would like to help support his medical needs & recovery at this time. Thank you🙏❤️‍🩹 gofund.me/2816b5541

does it not bear a faint resemblance to a gigantic fish? even the great leviathan himself?

It's right next to the suspenders of disbelief 🏆👑 Congratulations @sofarrsogud.bsky.social from @prettyvulgar.bsky.social

You're mad at movie theater previews for going on too long. I'm grateful for them going long because I'm always kinda late to get to movies on time. We are not the same.

Get out there and catch yourself a sunset

replacing my eyelid with a Venus fly trap

Not only will I roast you, but I will sear you first for maximum flavor.

It just occurred to me that I’ve had my phone on do not disturb for so long I have no idea how many calls or texts I may have missed when it was shut off. I don’t even know WHEN it was shut off. 🤷🏻 If it’s important I’ll hear from anyone whose contact attempts I’ve missed now that it’s back on.

Let’s help Juno get into a new place! Her journalism is deeply touching, human, relatable and often quite educational and IT IS ALL FREE. Check her profile, read her works, and show her a little financial goodwill if you’ve got a few spare bucks.

I may not be a big titty goth but I am a moderately sized titty alt girl who loves the color pink

I don’t think it will all fit in there.

Darkness

shoe carnival is not as fun as it sounds

Passerby: Omg Sir are you ok? Would you like some help? Me: *trying to scan a zebra at the self checkout* Yes please

sliding into your dms like

Anyone else thinking that this tree is a little too tall?

LOOK AT THIS TANK OF A SQUIRREL OMG

Please, whatever you do, don’t ever stop motorboating. The world is a better place when you motorboat

The Bible Belt is like a regular belt except it’s more holey

OH YEAH I MADE PARKER HOUSE ROLLS LAST NIGHT brb gonna eat my weight in rolls and butter as a coping mechanism

Northern Flicker V for Vendetta #birds

wanted: someone to play melodies on a slide guitar until I cry myself to sleep or until I switch gears and decide to have sex with you

rare geist L

Time line cleanse because Jasper is a good boi

vodka: for when you want to get drunk fast while also drinking something reminiscent of engine degreaser mixed with satan’s tears

(flirting) So, is there a Mr. Doubtfire?

cute things that are bad are why i have trust issues if it’s cute it should be good

Unless you are dead don’t call me

How do you grow a cucumber with a flared base

guitar gyro

In the mood to eat an entire loaf of bread with butter