love when there’s a newspaper profile of some psychopath that points out they allow themselves “a lone vice, like a single cup of black coffee in the morning.” personally I am a bundle of trash glued together by vices. they’re all load-bearing

“still punk as fuck,” i whisper as i look up yet another turn of phrase on urban dictionary”

hey go watch the latest episode of Hold Fast Garage, which is the only the YouTube channel that has consistently held my attention since the very first episode. being that i am a nice, well-behaved suburban white lady, i'm not gonna make any threats or nothin... today.

I'm not sure why some people become so mean when they drink alcohol. When I get drunk all I want to do is get naked & eat tacos.

physically I’m a peppermint patty. emotionally I’m linus, clinging to my blankie. 🙇‍♂️

Well I am incredibly lovable, according to 1s of people

“I was born in the 1900’s” is technically correct, but it still sounds wrong

Oh wait, it's Sunday night. Well, fuck. That's ruined things a bit.

My birthday is a few weeks away but you don’t have to get me anything. You can just watch my #GreatWhiteBeast videos a whole bunch. HOLD FAST Garage Episode 52: “Cleaning, Welding, and Rust Busting” youtu.be/DlY0dMh5zf0

Bummed myself out because my favourite dinosaur is basically ignored by the readily available wooden model kit market. I don't want a fucking T-Rex or a Velociraptor or a Stegosaurus you bastards.

Sunday morning #CoffeeAndVinyl. “Stans” Eminem

Everything sucks and today was pretty brutal. Thank you all for your kindness And especially big thanks to @muffinpoots.bsky.social for being there to comfort me through my incoherent blubbering and to my darling papa bear, @gdinc2024.bsky.social for the gifts that make a house a home.

Niece missing. Jumped out a 2nd story window so someone she met on the internet could pick her up sometime between midnight and 3am. She doesn’t have a phone. If you or someone you know picked her up in the middle of the night, she’s an autistic minor who probably said she was 18. BRING HER BACK.

Stop using dating apps and just start calling for pizza. Pizza delivery drivers have a car, a job, and pizza. Jackpot

i'm your asian friend who will never ever tell you what your tattoo actually says

Being poor is very inconvenient when you need things that can only be obtained via an exchange for money.

and up come the deeply rooted abandonment issues that have plagued my whole life.

getting ghosted sucks and on top of that, i just got sad news that a friend passed. fuck it all, man. i hate this shit.

Today is my birthday, I’m 58… I never really thought I’d last this long. I’m just happy to be here to ride this thing out

Cowboy outlaw: "Get a rope!" Me: "Is this jumprope ok?"

@prettyvulgar.bsky.social gary for scale

Discovered my Great Grandfather's diary in a box of old keepsakes. I guess foot fetishes “run” in the family!

The Powerpuff Girls had dicks for legs. Think about it

you know some guys just can’t hold their arsenic

I'm ready for a joint.

If dog not allowed on couch why is couch dog shaped

Calling off work because I just saw "Garfield's Halloween Adventure" & I'm too ascared.

An overnight vehicle inspection service called Nocturnal Emissions.

Might fuck around and become a "Skeletor had a point" guy

A food crime that I will admit to: I would rather dunk Oreo cookies in ice water than milk.

I don’t know, maybe we should all downshift a little, go weave rushes into pretty things on an old oaken table something like that

A pez dispenser but bullets.

Shitposter Me

Love Island UK

I am not a morning person, I am a lurking creature of the fathomless midday.

Her: I just want to be alone for a while. Me: Here’s a ticket to the Melania movie.

today seems like a good day to lay on the couch and dissociate

Knuckle tats: (B)(U)(T)(T) (S)(L)(O)(L)

people used to tell me that the internet isn’t real life all the time but now real life is controlled by people I used to laugh at on the internet

You’re either on the side of human decency and dignity or you’re not. Pretty fucking simple,

I’m a straight shooter. Mostly cause I don’t have a weird bend in my penis.

So who's going to give me a lil ego boost today then?

the theater is screening DOS Boot

“Thank you for your attention to this matter.” - physics professors

A food crime I’ll admit to: Velveeta

A food crime I'll admit to: I once beat a Frenchman to death with a stale baguette for insulting my dress sense.

Today is my one and only’s birthday. Nineteen. How that happened so fast I’ll never know. My kid is kind, considerate, gentle and whip smart. I have no idea how they turned out so awesome but they did. They’re the best thing I ever did and the reason I keep trying to do good. ❤️

Is the only thing you know about Tupac that he was murdered and then a hologram version of him performed at Coachella years later? Let Juno show you the wildly tumultuous life and tragic death of one of the greatest rappers ever. And if you truly enjoy this article, tip its amazing writer!

A food crime I’ll admit to: You mean give up my secrets? Never.