wind is just really yelly air

WHAT'S FUN IS THAT I AM SO SWEATY YOUR DISGUSTED LOOKS SLIDE RIGHT OFF OF ME.

I woke up earlier and I was sicky so I went back to sleep and I just woke up still sicky and I think I’m going back to sleep again.

Pinocchio frantically putting his strings back on after seeing how much it costs to be a real boy.

*plays “Eye of the Tiger” on the recorder

who the fuck are you calling a “silly goose”

comin out of my cage and nope I'm goin back in

Our judges are set for… WEEKEND PAID POETRY CALL Episode deaux !! I’m so damn excited!! @jasontheaverage.bsky.social @xinicit.bsky.social @stonedeva.bsky.social @trickykat.bsky.social @teenagephlebotomy.bsky.social

Maybe skeletons like hanging out in closets. Just let them cook

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that extra space between words that was hidden during drafting but is glaringly obvious now.

Canibalismo

"Balls to the walls" derives from the Old English "Manparts to the ramparts".

jpeg is short for Jorts in Winnipeg

home decor peaked at books vinyl records candles and floor cushions don't @ me

is los miller light or is greg los heavy

I've decided I'm not going to walk anymore. I'm going to mosey, amble, perambulate, ramble, saunter or maybe stroll

FYI you’re not being polite by waving someone through a stop sign when it’s your right of way. Being polite is moving your ass according to the rules and not confusing people.

Whenever I hear someone say "your joy is contagious" or "your enthusiasm is infectious," in my head I hear HAPPINESS HERPES blaring over and over again like a car alarm in the middle of the night

In 6th grade I learned that spinal discs are filled with a concoction with the viscosity of toothpaste and guess what I think about every time I brush my teeth?

I feel I should alert Bluesky to the baby foxes in our yard

my pornographic film name is armpit tits

Honestly? My gender is no one’s business, including my own

Spirit Airlines to resume operations, but only every October.

A haunted plane flight from NY to LA in a B-52 bomber why aren’t you writing this down?

28: what's the difference between a charcuterie board and a cheese tray? me: about $24.00

When someone has a problem with me, I totally agree.

starting a new math tutoring Italian eatery combo location called Parallelogram Pizza it'll be next to my mixed martial arts cafe called the Tai Chi Chai Tea

So you’re telling me this oil is made from babies?

Me and some of the neighborhood dads are starting a band. We're calling it The Floats. It's a buoyband. *high fives self

When my wife finds out I’m giving out money to complete strangers on the interwebs…again…probably don’t answer your phones for a couple days

judging by the man bun on the guy in front of me at Starbucks, it's gonna take them a while to fix his drink

Let them lose you. The right one won’t risk it.

I have used a Parmesan rind I had stored in the freezer in tonight’s bolognese sauce. I think we can all agree that this is the behaviour of a first class chef.

so you’re telling me this site is made of webs

The word shit was invented by the same man who discovered a puddle of fermented grape juice 10,000 years ago and got so inebriated he told his buddy lemme jusht shit down for a sec oh dear

Ok I see you people are going to make me assign names at random

So far @jasontheaverage.bsky.social is our only bucket judge. That’s a lotta pressure yall. We need 4 more volunteers by Friday night

“Buncha fuckin’ weirdos in here,” my mom says as she stands at my bedroom door. I am alone.

Boss (storming into my office): I waited at the zoo for 4 goddam hours wtf? Me (pointing to computer screen): Say Hi to our newest clients B: Oh zoom meeting

This country went to shit when they stopped playing the Star-Spangled Banner on all three TV stations every night at 1am before shutting off all communication with the outside world until 8am

I cannot keep y’all straight when you keep changing your names and your pictures and your handles and your personalities.

In the engine reassembly process, Dad and I are at the “what they heck goes there and where did we store it?” portion.

My dog wants to get up on my chair with me and I don’t want him to, so he yawns really big at me like THAT’S going to change my mind, and he’s right. He’s too sleepy to be down there on the floor.

is it eat it, it’s eat it isn’t it

Unfair that monk robes are cooler than nun robes, they should get to choose which outfit they like best when they get in there. Also unfair that you have to believe in a specific god to join a friendly communal gardening cult, they should get to choose which one they like best when they get in there

Instead of Botox or face tape or slugging I’ve decided to hold my angry forehead scrunch in place with a chip clip every night to deepen the lines and more effectively speed up the goblinification process.

Hey girl. Are you the United States? Because I want to leave you so bad.

Just approved :) neat.

This is the first time I’ve ever made Widgets! I always thought they were usel- Oh right, this is useless