I'm at the point in the holiday season where all the cookies, and candy, and popcorn, and all the other treats, start tasting the same YET I CAN'T STOP EATING IT

You guys 💔

saw your man struggling to get his feet under him in the wave pool

This is where holiday cinema peaked

Days without a coffee disaster: 0

HO-HO-HOMOEROTIC

This is your sign to watch Alfred Hitchcock Presents - an incredibly good anthology series that is woefully underappreciated

Show me how your 2025 went:

Merry Peppmas 🌲❤️🐩💚

Happy Festivus to those who celebrate!

Show me how your 2025 went:

GM 🖤 If you voted for Trump, I wish you a miserable Christmas

The perfect Christmas card doesn't exi--

Don't adopt a dog unless you're willing to go through this with patience, understanding, and maybe enduring the cost of some new footwear

Less Than Zero is my favorite Christmas movie

My favorite portrayal of Santa Claus is the 14th Century Austrian wood-carving depicting St. Nick absolutely shredding on a vintage sunburst Strat

And not spend another Christmas in the emergency room, or at least have my clothes on this time. Amen

Personal Mandela effect: Wilford Brimley's giallo film

Some little known specialized stormtroopers of the Galactic Empire: Fog Troopers Cafeteria Troopers Lost-and-Found Troopers Partly Cloudy Troopers Cat-Herding Troopers Nap Troopers Spoiler-Alert Troopers Mindfulness Troopers

I'm ready with the 2025 wrap-up on your mother

I'm sorry, but I have to be the only Slytherin in the relationship

Some days it's a lot to process, just how bad things have gotten across all lanes of existence.

You’re in his DMs. I’m scribbling his name in crayon on a white padded wall.

GM 🖤 Happy Thursday-Monday, Monday-Friday, Monday-Monday, or whatever. Here we fucking go again...

I can’t help it. Everything’s a mess youtu.be/1JnQfKIFERU

Me, keeping my cool when a family member says something insane during the holidays

Once I consolidate power during the zombie apocalypse, join me, and I promise to abolish all this winter holiday nonsense

People say I look like a malfunctioning wheat thresher when I dance, so I guess I'm technically a dancing machine

Still the darkest, bleakest track in existence. It's beautiful

I don't know who needs to hear this, but Wolfie's fine, honey. Wolfie's just fine

Behind every good hostess is a good doggo who knows how to work a crowd

Welcome, I'm your extremely high hostess. Just toss your coats into that vortex in the corner

File this under "smooth motherfuckers"

I overshot and got almost too high to keep cooking, but I don't have a choice

💗💗💗

Establish dominance at your weekly meeting by leaving abruptly in the middle of it, declaring that you may have put your underwear on backward and can't live with the mystery any longer

Be nice to the stoned girl or answer to a crafty mini poodle ✨️🐩

I'm happy just being a cautionary example

Talk about a camping trip gone wrong 😬

I spent a lot of money on electroconvulsive therapy to get this out of my head, but the shuffle got me 😩

🔥🔥🔥

I just apologized to a wardrobe I hip-checked in case you're wondering what manner of badass you're facing here

Is Zendaya still Meechee or did she get that taken care of?

This is me and Pepper most nights, I reckon

The way they brought the orchestra in 🤌🏼

I'm planning on being high a lot this week