GM 🖤 "You'd be a lot prettier if you smiled"

Not to brag, but they're going to keep my resume on file. 💅

The Jetsons lied to us

Democracy dies in billionaire hands.

stick a fork in me, im a toaster

JOB INTERVIEWER: What are your greatest weaknesses? ME: Kindness and empathy.

at least i have weed

Radically accepting that therapy can only do so much. Some of us need an exorcism.

Just doing my post-coffee trauma dump. It helps keep me “regular”

Imagine hating me and I'm just over here trying to enjoy a nice spring day

There's a fat cockroach living in my bathroom sink. I've only caught glimpses of him before tonight. This evening, he appeared, introduced himself as Raoul and told me he was in love with me and he wanted to leave his wife and 937 kids for me. That we could run away together. 🧵

*at an orgy with five dentists so which one of you didn’t recommend my toothpaste

GM 🖤 Happy Wednesday. We're halfway there

Donald Trump is dying, & he knows it. He is losing the midterms, & he knows it. He’s getting impeached, & he knows it. He is losing his mind, & we all know it. Donald Trump is a man with nothing left to lose. Know that, & recognize the existential threat to the world it presents.

GM 🖤 Feel cute today 🎀✨

Dress for the job you want

If you know the super SECRET secret menu at whataburger you can get Xanax in your fries

First look at Dwayne Johnson as Maui in the live-action ‘MOANA’ remake

This whole old-fashioned name thing with parents is just a dumb hipster trend until someone names their kid Slappy

Don't use your weather app to track down the local weather station. That's how you end up in a snuff film

When's that Polybius port coming to Switch?

I fumbled a beautiful guy with dual citizenship AMA

Just a reminder to check on those racist people you knew in high school. Make sure they're not running for Congress.

you just got home from school & you're about to browse the net to do a report while getting random messages asking what your bra size is

Good morning to everyone who voted for Kamala Harris.

^consoling my failed skeet by pinning it like a kids prized art on the fridge

GM 🖤 Welcome back to work, wage slaves

they should invent a type of physical therapy that involves eating cheese

In nothing else, doing the drinking game where you take a shot every time a character is wearing Tommy Hilfiger is still a great way to get completely blasted

My friend talked me into watching The Faculty (1998) again, and possibly revise my "meh" rating from years ago. To be honest, I don't remember much of this, but I've changed my mind before, so why not

I need to sing this with someone once a week 💕

Nice lane change, Jethro. Too bad that ludicrously large American flag obstructs your peripheral vision

Do you know how hard it is to dance to this?

Not to brag, but I'm pretty sure Pepper could always outmaneuver a zombie

If you haven't picked an apocalypse buddy, I suggest you do so as soon as possible

America’s splendid isolation is both a reason for its power and a reason its citizens tend not to understand how anything works in other parts of the world

When it's all over, I'm thinking lobotomy camps

If the second gummy is peaking, proceed with caution ⚠️

i should be able to text my dog to preheat the oven this whole timeline is bullshit

I wish a motherfucker wouldn't, actually.

Bring me back to the thrill of inside recess

if you post pizza and he doesn’t say yum he’s not the one

doing the sexy crossing and uncrossing of the legs scene from basic instinct so i can flash you my jorts

Sundays are for staying in bed as long as possible

UFO abruptly drops off all my missing Tupperware lids because they don’t fit any of their shit either

Our weird little world of Forteana is certainly in turmoil following news of a new Bigfoot documentary that purports to show evidence that the famous 1967 Patterson-Gimlin film was a hoax 1/3

When's that Polybius port coming to Switch?

Don't use your weather app to track down the local weather station. That's how you end up in a snuff film