This scenario is exactly what Jamiroquai was warning us about and we didn't listen.

Looking forward to gold stickers that boast 'Autism Free' at the holistic health fair. I hope they take bitcoin.

fun fact: neither trump nor rjk jr have known an unmedicated day in their coked out lives

I missed the lesson in Sunday School about pearl clutching but it appears it's a prerequisite to heaven

i can’t even imagine how many bobs had to die to harvest all that

Apparently on Christian tiktok they're predicting a rapture on Tuesday. So I'm going in to work early, laying out an outfit of clothing in my office and pretending it got me.

“Shhh… You’ve gotta hear this guitar part.”

I've been MIA because an actual dove hunter took out the internet to most of my area. How is this even real life?

I'm like, "It's weird, I'm actually not worried about tomorrow," and then Anxiety is like, "yeah, that's because you're going to die, but you're ALSO stupid"

Tell me truly, I implore! Is there anything at this store From foreign lands Or within these shores That e’er again I might afford? Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”

These days you say something weird once and thanks to social media, the next day everybody’s saying it. Y’all don’t understand what dedication to the craft really means. I spent 1993-1998 calling taking a leak “dropping an ace” until I heard a stranger say it in the men’s room line at a Red Sox game

Remember when we used to say 'anal retentive' instead of OCD? Haha, good times. Anyway your fly's open

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

ME: *dies* DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife. ME: How do I get to Heaven? DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs. ME: What about Hell? DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs. ME: And Limbo? DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

“Look kid, it’s simple. The faster you get the tire changed, the faster we get to your friend’s birthday party. It’s really up to you. I’ll be in the car.”

“Pull up, Maverick, pull up! You’re coming in way too fast! Christ, I don’t think he’s gonna make it. Clear the runway! Clear the runway!”

One time I was at a bar in Prague and Johnny Cash was sitting next to a couple of huge guys who fell off their stools. He tried to help them but couldn’t, so I reached down with one arm and pulled them both up. Johnny asked “the hell are you doing?” and I said “righting Czechs your ass can’t, Cash”

The last time my ass cashed a check written by my mouth, they threw me out of the bank and closed my account.

When all else fails why shouldn’t you?

THEM: this isn’t the America I know NATIVE AMERICANS:

i remember when i was eighteen & was about to move out of my parent’s house i asked my dad if he had any advice, so he sat me down, looked me right in the eyes & said, “try not to get eaten by a mountain lion.”

one time i tried to microwave my bluetooth & i accidentally sequenced the genome of a nearby strawberry pop tart & discovered that it was related to king henry VIII.

Bigfoot did his best work in the 70s.

Me back in my school days? Well, I guess I was one of the cool kids who always sat in the back of the bus. It was a short bus; the whole bus was the back of the bus.

🎶If your friend is a fascist cut them off 👏👏 If your friend is a fascist cut them off 👏👏 If they are a fascist they don't learn from debate or classes If your friend is a fascist cut them off 👏👏🎶

Judge: how do you plead Defendant: handsome Judge: DISMISSED

Imagine falling in love with your soulmate and then living the rest of your life with crumbs on the butter

my neighbor posted a selfie of himself on facebook holding a gun with the caption COME & TAKE THEM, and it's like bro, you just complimented me on my geraniums yesterday

Within a fortnight, you’ll have 3 (three) channels to choose from: Fox, The Gun Channel, and The Flag Channel. Every ad will be for boner pills

“everything in the fridge” marinara

HER: once you’re in the family, there’s no getting out. Capisce? ME: *whispering to my boyfriend* what kind of Olive Garden is this?

BF: Dinner's ready Me: One sec, need to write a post that saves the United States of America

The world was a better place when we didn't know what was on everybody's mind.

You can never leave Costco with just one of anything.

I'm here to remind you that there are a lot of wonderful things outside. What if you went on a quest to find out what makes them happy? I'm on drugs.

“Okay, try it now.”

“Can you please look again? The tracking said it was out for delivery.”

yeah mister, that's nacho cheese

♫ ROOOOOOXANNE

me: i didn't get the job wife: why not? me: something about my eyesight wife: what EXACTLY did they say? me: that i needed “adult supervision”

That used to be a person’s parking spot, now it’s the people’s.

kevin is now a local weatherman

feeling joy is now a subversive act, don’t let them catch you doing it my friends

Spoiler Alert: he gets nailed to a large "t" and then assholes misinterpret everything he ever said

can't escape the feeling that we wouldn't be here now if more people had worn corrective shoes as children

the DRINK THE BLOOD OF YOUR ENEMIES™️ people won’t tell you this but it does come with trade-offs, namely indigestion low libido and a rotting corpse smell when you pee

brush up on your British history

I think I now understand why rhinos are going extinct.