Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

me: *waxes poetic* poetic: just leave a landing strip

Whenever someone new comes to the house, Clyde always likes to show off his mailman collection.

the free sample lady must have called them when i wouldn’t leave

Most potential pet owners consider things like breeding, size, coat, intelligence, trainability, and temperament. Often overlooked is the crucially important element of aerodynamics, which can greatly affect your gas mileage, raising the overall cost of ownership significantly.

Thursday, 4:01pm "Still there." "Yep." "Looks blue." "It certainly does." "Wet too." "Totally." "See you next week?" “Count on it."

Later on, Terry would feel a slight pang of guilt over the fleeting seconds she'd spent thinking about all the things she could do with a spare bedroom, before grabbing the kid's leg.

potty training a unicorn ain’t easy

Some of you haven't been complimenting your birds on how handsome they are, and I am quite bothered.

[3am] Lily’s father awakens to the feeling of hot breath on his face and the smell of sulfur. He opens his eyes and finds himself staring into a pair of red, glowing orbs. The ladybug unhinges its jaws, revealing two perfectly formed rows of razor-sharp teeth. He screams.

"Hush, Horatio. Did you not hear the Dark Lord's call? Go now and summon the others, for it is the time of The Reaping. Soon we shall be bathing in the blood of our enemies." "I don't know, Max. I'm pretty sure that was just a can opener."

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You've been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed."

💔

“HALLOWEEN IS OVER NOW GET OFF MY LAWN!”

“Hey there, sexy ladies!” “Just ignore him, Arlene.”

we did it you guys we saved daylight

“Please Claudette, let me come home. I promise I’ll try to be more supportive.”

wife: you should go move the clocks me: no problem [three hours later] wife: where the fuck are all the clocks?

“You’re going to ruin your eyes, Arthur.”

All saints is, frankly, too many saints.

the bell tolls for who? it tolls for you, idiot . - ernest hemingnoway

Arlo remains suspicious of Halloween, as the "trick or treat, smell my feet" method determined these were not even real bones

what if you burned day and night told no one for what good would it do for them to imagine it as the worst they'd had the most they could and one day they told you that you knew nothing of their pain so you said sorry you're hurting and sat with them where they were that you'd already been what if

"PUT THE FUCKING CASH IN THE FUCKING BAG OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF!" And that was the last time I ever played Monopoly with the kids.

It was about these cursed ways to come home after work, like a designated place to keep your keys that turns into a sewer grate on a full moon

Today is Thanksgiving in Canada, when we go down to the park to fight Canada geese. The winners eat the losers

[Biker gang initiation] Me: hey fellas, do you use baseball or hockey cards in your spokes

Melvin realized his rookie mistake just a moment too late, as Chloe wrapped him up in her patented “Shnoozleplex.”

“Nice work, Vincent!” “Thank you.” “What’s it called?” “Sorry I Barfed on the Carpet.” “Excellent use of color.” “Thanks, I ate a whole box of crayons.”

the bear will talk, it’s just a matter of time

“SAY IT.” “I’m a dirty little plant.” “And what do you want?” “I want you to water me.” “I’m gonna water you so hard.” “That’s how I like it.”

Cerbearus

the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter

Sometimes I’ll get to looking at the birch leaves and rumpled tar paper on my shed roof and all at once I understand every lyric Eddie Vedder ever sang

It's time for something and you know that because you emphasized 'some' but you can't decide which is hotter mentally, the caps lock dominatrix or italicized in heat. Oh yeah it's time for text suppressants

I heard, "if you want it sugar coated, go to a bakery" thanks, i'll take a dozen glazed and let's cleanse this world with fire

Hey, my sister and I were raised by a hardworking single parent who also received food stamps. Pound sand, fucking haters.

If I was a witch, I'd curse you to have neighbors who hand out pencils for Halloween.

I believe that's the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

It subtracts from quality of life, causes division, and creates multiple, complex problems. Our facility helps you get to the root cause, evening the odds. We calculate a personalized formula, and work with you to find a solution. Count on us to make a difference and get results.

nobody wants to hear about your problems

we're gonna need another temp

As you go to work today to start another week, it may help to remember that Skeletor was often thwarted by his own inept henchman too

Josh's nose had been bleeding for twenty minutes now, and he was starting to get freaked out.

the fifth non blonde preferred a more subtle approach

Tyler couldn't wait to go to school tomorrow and show everyone what came out of his mom.

Roses are red Pumpkins are orange Poems are stupid

“You want to put that inside Elmo?” “Yes.” “And Elmo get twenty dollars?” “That’s right.” “Elmo want to see money first.”

"Let's take a gander at that license." “I’m so sorry, my partner’s new.” “Fuck you, Mike. It’s a good joke.”

“Guys, correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe I’m sensing a lack of trust here, and frankly, it hurts my feelings.”