audrey turns irate loretta goes into a snit evelyn becomes vexed harriet has a fit of pique

I'm feeling especially haughty today. Somewhere between a Bavarian archduke and a 1960s airline pilot.

Malcolm realized now that he’d misunderstood what his friend had meant when he told him there’d be a ton of trash at the Kid Rock show.

My wife and I were once so in love with each other that we thought nothing would ever come between us. We just argued over cushion covers.

if you’re surprised to learn that all the c’s in “pacific ocean” make different sounds, you’re gonna be shocked when you learn something important

when people say marriage is between man and woman I assume they mean alphabetically

me: how do you know the difference between an emotion and gas google: everyone is very worried about you

Take it from someone who knows, when a genie offers you a wish be sure he knows the difference between affluent and effluent.

The difference between marmite and vegemite? The vegemite hangs from the 𝘵𝘰𝘱 of the cave.

Following your dreams becomes easier as you get older and downgrade them from lofty ambitions like winning the Super Bowl to more realistic goals like finding a nice pair of warm, comfy slippers for the winter.

This day in history. 1838. The first recorded baseball game was played at Beachville Ontario, with five bases instead of four and special ground rules for cow interference.

[handing my credit card to the kid behind the ice cream bar] keep it open

I get it cumulus clouds... I too am detached and generally dense

SCOTUS will allow Alabama to use a congressional map that a lower court found intentionally discriminated against Black voters. A Court so fundamentally hostile to the rights of minority voters places it at odds with democracy itself. This is Chief Justice John Roberts’ legacy.

Tried to watch a spin-off but it made me too dizzy.

sure keats writes ode on a grecian urn and everyone loves him, but I do it and I’m banned from the museum

Congratulations to everyone who said it would get this bad. Your prize is watching everyone who disagreed now claim no one could have predicted it would get this bad.

I just passed someone in the hall here at work and they said, “Hi.” To which I replied, “Heydego, uh.” So that’s what I’ll be thinking about as I attempt sleep this evening.

when they came there with someone else but they’re still totally checking you out

Squirrels don't hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

Speaker Mike Johnson is the most incompetent, feckless, pathetic speaker in American history. He has neutered an important institution and badly damaged our democracy. He will be remembered as a sniveling coward and an enabler of the worst president ever. *That* is an objective fact.

Black Neighborhood Demolished To Make Room For Nothing In Particular https://theonion.com/black-neighborhood-demolished-to-make-room-for-nothing-in-particular/

crazy that under the precedent set by callais, a lily-white congressional delegation formed by "partisan" gerrymandering in a plurality black state passes constitutional muster, while any majority-minority district is constitutionally suspect

The biggest problem with long summer drinks like Pimms and mojitos is smuggling enough of them into the office to get me through the day.

WE HAS THE LEARNS

It’s neither duck season nor rabbit season. It’s allergy season.

doctor: do you have seasonal allergies? me: yeah, I’m allergic to all of them

Do not sit in the sun. Remain at least ninety million miles away from it at all times

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up in a breeze, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

Good news, guys. My shitshow has been renewed for a second season.

This day in history. 1967. Another sleepy, dusty Delta day. She was out choppin' cotton, not pickin' cotton, you don't pick cotton in June you fool, and her brother was balin' hay. I'm not sure if balin' hay was apropos at that time. Anyway an acquaintance of hers jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge.

The cure for sleepwalking? Insomnia.

Which recycling bin do I put my faith in humanity in?

Cunnilingus: easier done than said.

all my haters from mime school are awfully quiet right now

Trump Launches $88 Billion Fund For Anyone Who Has Ever Been Rejected By Woman https://theonion.com/trump-launches-88-billion-fund-for-anyone-who-has-ever-been-rejected-by-woman/

Three more minutes, Carlos thought, and the pizza is free.

The money was always there for the good things.

Me: You have the face of an angle. Her: Don’t you mean angel? Me: No. You’re such acutey pie!

Personally I prefer non-fiction books because they broaden the mind and it’s good to learn something new, but mostly because there tends to be more pictures and fewer words.

♫ If there’s a bustle in your ♫

Host: Let's play Wheel Of Ornithology! Me: Are there any jays? Host: No sorry Me: I'd like to buy an owl

Either this is the best taco in the history of human kind or I’m higher than I’ve ever been.

…that’s the way we like to truck…

People who ask me for something “at your soonest convenience” have no idea how perpetually inconvenienced I am.

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

This day in history. 1832. Western Australia Day in Western Australia. Talk about a bonzer going off like a frog in a sock, it's numbatty and wombatty; it's kangaroo cuckoo; it's quokkastic; it's wonderwallaby; it's bilby-silly; it's altogether Perth worthy.

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, you’ll see the Matrix. Your reality is all just ones and zeroes. Me: [sweating] I didn’t know there would be math.

Imagine being so unable to love your child that you set fire to the whole damn world instead.

On second thought, fuck Larry.