𝘗𝘭𝘢𝘺 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘍𝘶𝘯𝘬𝘺 𝘔𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘤 is my favorite song about white boys not staying in their lane, with predictably funkless results.

[health app on my phone] did you sign your will motherfucker?

Telling colorful & compelling tales of roadkill genitalia harvesting makes RFK Jr. a raccoonteur.

Ossoff: "How does American politics really work? It's coin operated. Money goes in, favors come out. It's been running on secret money, corporate money, billionaire money ... all of this gave rise to a depraved president who exploits this rot to empower and enrich himself"

me: I just finished a book on how to be less of an asshole her: well, that’s music to my ears me: so . . . “music”? her: me: maybe I can get my money back

The best way to avoid wasting good money on expensive music streaming subscriptions is to just hum your favourite tunes instead. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

This day in history. 1968. British Conservative MP Enoch Powell delivered his Rivers of Blood speech against immigration from Commonwealth countries and anti-racism legislation. Party leader Edward Heath demoted him the next day but he did receive the Football Association Peace Prize.

Freddy: The real treasure is all of the friends we killed along the way. Jason: That's beautiful. Leatherface: And the faces we wore. Michael Meyers: *nods, single tear rolls down mask*

lead singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK???? me in the pit trying to clean the front of my glasses w my tshirt: JUST A SEC, BUD

FWIW, the answer to this question is “no”

We hit a bump and now everyone on the bus knows that my briefcase is just filled with hotdogs

unfortunately, when you see a person who is standing with their torso out of the sunroof of a limo, it's impossible to know if they are a centaur or not

tsa agent: sorry, you can only board with 3.4 oz of liquid or less. me: ok, just toss it out then. Kool Aid Man: *dressed in tommy bahama* babe what

If you're having trouble telling the difference between badgers and marbles, remember this: One is a small glass ball used for a variety of recreational & decorative purposes, and the other is a mid-sized nocturnal mustelid primarily found in the northern hemisphere

cat: ok, we’re getting out of here, I’ve got an escape plan baby: ok, I’ll tell the dog cat: no! don’t tell the dog, he’s a snitch

I ALREADY KILLED YOU AND ISTG IF YOU DON’T STOP HUMILIATING ME I WILL DO IT AGAIN THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION

Incredible sequel. Edge of my seat!

You're beautiful when you're angry and thousands of miles away.

me as a police sketch artist: did he look like this? victim: that’s sting

me: that one didn’t come out good, can we do it again? policeman fingerprinting me: no

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and other aesthetic-related freak eye injuries.

asshat

🔥SEN. @ossoff.senate.gov : “Ivanka’s husband Jared Kushner’s on the Saudi payroll for $2 BILLION— as he leads 🇺🇸 diplomacy + asks sheikhs for billions more… Never have we seen so little effort to hide so much corruption. The Mar-a-Lago mafia taking corruption to spectacular new heights.”

On a foggy early morning walk through my quiet suburban town today, I watched as other trudging figures began slowly emerging from the mist, and suddenly I felt like I was a member of the cast of a zombie apocalypse film comprised exclusively of middle-aged white guys.

My “beauty sleep” would have to be a lengthy coma.

maybe someday we’ll have nice things too

This day in history. 1839. The Treaty of London was signed between the major European powers, the Netherlands, and Belgium. A little known clause permits British subjects to refer to Belgians as sprouts, phlegms, and bougie Belgian bastards, with impunity.

my beautiful bride says I spend too much time on social media. oh great and now the priest is agreeing with her

In retrospect, naming our band Sold Out was a terrible idea.

maybe we should stop calling mass murders “taps”

And this was before the oil shock flows through. h/t EPB Research

I’m definitely the coolest* dude on this private beach** wearing Wayfarers*** who’s listening to The Smiths**** *fattest **park bench ***bifocals ***Phil Collins

I've worn out better welcomes than yours.

me: *standing on principal* principal: please get off me

I don't recall any previous transformative technologies that had to be sold to the public so hard. No one in 1999 was going, "Guys. Cell phone? It's coming, whether we like it or not. I think it's important, FOR WOMEN ESPECIALLY, to learn about cell phone. So that we're not left behind!!"

me: it’s a burrito wrapped in a quesadilla, inside an enchilada churchill: fortunately, I’m not hungry, but that does give me an idea

interviewer: what are some of your weaknesses? me: I take things literally and I never use commas interviewer: lol those aren’t so bad me: *wearing her watch* they are though

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

this headline is way beyond misleading, @bbcnewsnight.bsky.social (and this extract makes it even worse)

me: I put my pants on one leg at a time HR: no you have to put them on both

The FBI guy is on a paranoid bender and won’t leave his room. The War guy quotes bible passages from Pulp Fiction. The Health guy collects raccoon dicks. It’s an Idiocracy on steroids.

It's the opposite of his intention, but the Idiot Emperor is forcing the world off fossil fuels. This week's column. www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

no

me: I wear the pants in this family! her: are those unicorn garanimals?

Phantom pain is just regular pain that likes opera and wears half a mask.

I learned the hard way not to take my good lute to a Renaissance fair.

he always does this. now i'm going to have to explain what happened in the movie while he was asleep

until 4:01 on friday