lol imagine being a spanish fan tonight staying up all night to party, flying back home tomorrow, and then having to go back into the office 2-3 weeks from now

what kind of watch

tbf ai seems about as sentient as most of the people asking if ai is sentient

Me: i'm just here for shits and giggles Taco bell employee: *passes me my order* can't promise you the giggles

It rules that the list of cities to host a World Cup Final is like London, Berlin, Rio De Janeiro, East Rutherford, NJ

Could Excel be conscious? We surveyed more than Jan 1 1900 people to find out.

To be fair, it’s a little unreasonable to specifically demand to see proof-of-life from Mitch McConnell when we haven’t seen it from most members of congress in years.

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

Thought I’d found “the one” but her phone battery was at 4% and I don’t need that kind of anxiety, thank you.

someone should probably check on hank

people say the truth is stranger than fiction like it’s a surprise, but the universe has had like fourteen billion more years than us to come up with stuff

if you eat right, exercise and get plenty of sleep you can be confused for an extra seven to ten years

me: if z is the length of a slice and a is the area of the pie, then pi(zz)=a PhD advisor: this is what you’ve been working on for three and a half years?

me: we should name our first son Blake wife: but he’s been named Jeff for the last 24 years

judge: your sentence is five years me: that’s actually not a sentence, it’s a noun phrase judge: okay six years

if I’d bought 100 shares of apple 40 years ago I’d still be lying under this table in a fetal position

All these years and my wife still won't go out without getting a babysitter in, no matter how many times I assure her that I can look after myself now.

It seems my 5-year-old put the harm in harmonica.

This day in history. 1940. Adolf Hitler ordered the British to surrender. They refused. He felt a little foolish because he had turned out for the occasion in a bespoke Isle of Skye kilt and a silk topper by Bodmin of Vigo Street.

The older I get the more I despair of my chances of fulfilling so many of my boyhood ambitions like sailing around the world, climbing Mount Everest, or catching Mrs Jones from next door sunbathing topless.

Mountain climber: *being interviewed* Climbing Everest has been a goal for years. I've accomplished what few have been able to do. And I blah blah blah.... Sherpa: *who's climbed it 180 times rolls eyes behind him*

Remember, both the Iliad and the Odyssey were originally audiobooks.

People should come with dashboards so we can see what warning lights are on before we take them for a spin.

interviewer: tell me how you go about setting and achieving goals me: well I always start by consulting with my squad interviewer: your . . . squad? mom and dad: *wave*

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me. *Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes* Well that sucked.

canadian forest fire smoke is still a less grievous export than Nickelback

Visualizing your goals makes them easier to abandon.

“Everyone say cheese!” “Cheese!” “Cheese!” “Cheese!” “Cheese!” “Fuck you, Theresa.”

cashier: did you find everything you were looking for? me: *gazing melancholically into the middle distance* I thought so, once

[bookstore] customer: I’m looking for A Separate Peace me: let me know if you ever find it

i tried following my dreams but they blocked me

On bsky I’m like a poor goaltender. All of my saves are accidental.

This day in history. 1100. Crusader Godfrey of Bouillon, king of Jerusalem, died. The Arab historian Ibn al-Qalanisi reported that Godfrey was struck by an arrow while besieging Acre, cut up into cubes and stewed with some onions and carrots. Seems about right.

Be yourself, but over there.

me: I’m starting to connect the dots museum guard: step away from the painting

Gift link with no paywall because everybody needs to read this one after the June we just had slate.com/news-and-pol...

"After enduring months of anti-ICE protests at its bank offices, Citizens Financial Group is parting ways with two for-profit prison operators that oversee detention facilities for the federal immigration enforcement agency." www.bostonglobe.com/2026/07/17/b...

asshat extraordinaire

world’s weirdest little freak says what

Dang they really got a category for everything

Me: *texting* I'm sorry but I need to feel a connection. Autocorrect: I'm sorry but I need to feel a Cinnabon. Me: AC: Me: *send*

This ESPN mini doc about how "Seven Nation Army" became an arena anthem is so good www.youtube.com/watch?v=0D8B...

Missed connection. It's just as well.

If a car with an automatic transmission wrote its own life story would it be an autoautoautobiography?

me: I’m starting to connect the dots museum guard: step away from the painting

People join a gym for lots of reasons, mine was the heavily subsidised bar.

It is July 17, 1994. I am wearing Ray-Ban Baloramas, a bunch of woven leather bracelets, and a fresh tattoo. I do not know that this will be the zenith of my cool.

MISSED CONNECTION: You were leaving the dog park, I was arriving. Our eyes met... There were sparks. I need to see you again. My chip # is 148A27J98614Z. Have your person track me.

am I well connected? sure, almost nothing ever falls off