Physically in this meeting. Mentally in bed. Spiritually stealing Anton's snacks like a raccoon.

Them: Eh, I know you have ADHD but how loud and distracting can your inner monolog be? My inner monolog:

This day in history. 1953. Robin Hood and his merry men were communists, declared Indiana Textbook Commissioner Mrs Thomas J. White, failing to spot the whole gay thing.

sure sex is great but have you ever had a growing and persistent sense of dread that turned out to be horribly, sickeningly justified

*brings the true meaning of Christmas to a sword fight. killed instantly

Building a new stretch of road called Dead Man’s Curve. It’s going to be great, the kids are gonna love it

*takes long drag off cigarette, flicks it away* listen kid, when i was your age we didn't have mobile phones, we sat around trimming our split ends and getting tan tattoos with paper stencils, we thought we had all the time uhh, i forgot where i was heading with this but- hey! where are you going?

Me: Coffee time! Also me: I'll just finish this bit of work off first... Me again: *brain shuts down* Smarter me: *starts making coffee*

Nothing brings a couple closer than overhearing another couple fight at the next table.

Didn’t get to be a sexy nurse for Halloween so I’m going to be a slutty turkey for Thanksgiving.

Ooh yeah pour that hope all over me, baby

to be clear if I ever become wildly popular I’m not starting a cult but I WILL be sending some of you on quests

if you live with someone, don’t blast Jesus Christ Pose from the stereo at 5:00 AM on a Sunday, as they will not take it as a call to worship as was intended

I really wish someone would send me to my room.

Strangers in the night exchanging glances sounds kind of creepy.

“that’s a banger” i say while hitting you on the head with a mallet

this may be a controversial take but i don’t think it’s a good idea to have so many delusional people in power

I referred to someone as “sandwich bags” the other day and hope it catches on.

I just assembled a Winnie the Pooh tea table and chair set. Now I have to live with what I've done.

Another unrealistic body standard for women.

Lab partner: How did you manage to set a glass beaker on fire? Me: It's not science if the fire truck doesn't show up. Lab partner: Your hair is smoking. Me: Thanks. Lab partner: Literally. Me: Science.

Boss: I need a second set of eyes on this report. Arachnid employee: Got you covered all day, boss.

A chessboard, only it’s the ground floor of my house. Two players, only it’s not Fischer and Spassky. A strategy, only it’s not the Queen’s Gambit. Checkmate, only it’s my dog trapped under the kitchen table by the Roomba.

i can never quite tell when they’re ripe

Smart posts? Nah. I just set the bar low then clear it with style.

Yes, I dated a model, but it was a train set.

He said I was arrogant, so I set about him with my sceptre.

just updated the dog’s graphics card

Grandson: Look what I can do!! Grandparents on zoom: *watching every second and can't believe how much he's grown

I think this English guy just called me stupid but I can’t be sure because it sounded like an apology or maybe a compliment.

This day in history. 1567. Marshal of France Anne de Montmorency died from his battle wounds before he could get his revenge on the dirty, mangy dog that named him Anne.

After reading through the Discover tab, I've realized we don't have enough, "Me, as a therapist" skeets to cover this shit.

Might fuck around and explode into 1000 bats later idk

me, as a therapist: omg samesies

As a semi-sane person I had no idea I'd be yelling at my microwave and dryer this often

i haven’t trusted anyone in authority since i was twelve and my pediatrician told me soon a wonderful thing would be happening to me once a month

gonna start a podcast where i just sigh a lot

if you’re mad at a canadian start some shit about anne of green gables

i call my bf, Mr. E, cuz he’s quite an enigma . folks,,

“i fold,” said the poker player & the laundromat guy & the origami artist & the dems &

I’m on emotional airplane mode until further notice.

petition to get Chuck Schumer to officially change his name to Cuck Boomer

Senate Democrats are like “with your donation of $25 or more, we will help Donald Trump kill you”

DONALD TRUMP: [asleep, drooling on long red tie] SENATE DEMOCRATS: fine, we give in

imagine getting owned by a 34-time convicted felon, rapist, child molester, con man, fascist, and racist who falls asleep in meetings with his administration

how it feels to live in 2025 me: *just covered in bees* this is nice

considering a controlled burn to the prairies of my mind