I used to think Columbo was a genius. Turns out he just had access to the script

joy: you don’t owe me anything beethoven: what

The best way to avoid wasting money on expensive dieting fads is by throwing away your bathroom scales and just enjoying life instead. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

This day in history. 1913. The Skandalkonzert. The Vienna Concert Society rioted at a concert of modernist music by Schoenberg and others including Alban Berg whose pieces prompted the members to demand his commitment to an asylum but he was already in one.

i like to assign a numerical value to the orgasms i get from my sex toys . vibe rater , is what im saying

i love meatballs & i love hamburgers but i hate meatloaf i contain multitudes who wants to marry me

What if I said you've been saying pineapple wrong this WHOOOOOOOLE time?

one day he will die and we'll be sorry only that it didn't happen much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much sooner

“all the good ones are taken,” I say while surveying available burial plots at the cemetery

made the mistake of checking Facebook (which I haven’t posted on in over a decade) and a “friend” posted a meme that depicted Dr. Fauci with a crown on his head and said “where was your NO KINGS bullshit when this guy was controlling your life” and then I remembered why I quit Facebook

why do they make glue only for gorillas? i cant imagine that’s a big market

Tried to kick out the jams but only managed to shake some cobwebs.

me: *quotes passages from poe’s the masque of the red death* them: cool, did you write that? me: yes

it takes a village to raise an asshole too

hey if you didn’t want to hear about the steroid injections for my right knee then why did you slide into my DMs?

going all the way in the backseat of the popemobile

get real, nobody is calling you a space cowboy let alone a gangster of love

me: the catholic church should be torn down brick by brick pope leo: jesus ignores the prayers from those who start wars me: ok let him cook

shampathy is when you're barely even pretending to care

Pigs in a blanket is my favorite sex position.

If you’re happy and you know it, high five your pharmacist.

Love myself? But I’m not even my type.

I’m not lazy. I’m just having an energy crisis.

EMOTIONALLY BALANCED GARY Temporarily Out of Stock

I enjoyed my wedding day and the birth of my kids was amazing but my best day ever has to be that time the freezer failed and I had to eat everything before it spoiled.

Put the phone down and enjoy life, she posted while live streaming a mindfulness tutorial with three filters on.

If someone brings me a houseplant it’s as if they’re saying “Please enjoy slowly murdering this helpless little thing.”

In French, “duck face” is called cul de poule, which literally means “chicken ass.” and I think it's romantic.

Occasionally I’ll look at the cat and pity him for not being able to enjoy a coffee as well as for his relatively brief lifespan, but then I catch him licking his own genitals before settling down for an 18 hour nap and wonder who’s the real loser here?

Oooo sorry I can't. It's a clean sheets night and I'll enjoy them more.

The interesting thing about small talk is nothing.

This day in history. 1840. English fancy man Beau Brummell died at Caen France from complications of neurosyphilis but not before supplying his hangers-on with identical ugly ill-fitting shoes, telling a dinner guest "Quiet, piggy", and trying to take over Greenland.

Was late for work again because my tie got stuck in the 7-Eleven hot dog spinner

should I eat my carbs in the morning or at night and other questions that might make this peace-loving hippie punch you right in your fucking nose

I protest for free, damn it.

America's Terrible, Stupid, Useless, Fascist, Repugnant, Planet Destroying, Very Bad, Not Good Government.

Saw the lyrics for "Pour Some Sugar On Me" and the title is the only lyrics I've had right.

It had been an arduous night; staying on the run, moving from place to place, and hiding in the shadows. But, as the sun peeked out on the horizon, Clarence let out a sigh of relief. Surely the danger had passed. He began to let himself relax. It was then that the vampire struck.

seems like whoever came up with the phrase “out like a light” was unaware of the most interesting feature of lights

The passion may have cooled after all these years but there are still plenty of things my wife and I enjoy doing together. Our favourite will always remain devising new and interesting ways to make each other miserable, though.

Pro tip: Your dreams are interesting to you and you only (unless you were dreaming about me)

*Tales of why I stopped dating* Him: You're very interesting. Me: Thank you. Him: And fun to be around. Me: Thank you! That's nice to hear. Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work. Me: Him: I'm just trying to help you fit into my life. Me: Check please!

my favourite part of Band of Brothers is when that guy makes the orderly bring him a bacon sandwich

I'M GOING VEGAN! i exclaim as i dump a family-size bag of salt & vinegar kettle chips over my face

Shouldn't Tiger Woods's caddie recommend when to use a driver?

This day in history. 2009. Serfs' Emancipation Day in Tibet recognizes the day in 1959 when the citizens were freed from the thrall of their Tibetan overlords and enslaved by Chinese overlords.

I’m growing out this hair on my mole for my dating profile pic

Pretty done with those who say "Reach out, you're not alone" when I'm feeling down. I know, ffs. Being surrounded by people is most of the problem.

the age of man is in it's last twilight hours, the age of silly goofs is upon us

My neighbour knocked on my door and asked why I had dirty rap blaring at top volume. I had my sweats, leg warmers, and headband on. I scoffed and said, I’m walking to the oldies, bitch.