I've been half expecting them to declare autism was caused by stork molting during the delivery trip

what doesn’t kill you, texts you 6 months later

I can achieve anything I set my mind to unless it’s slightly inconvenient.

Kidnapper: your going in the trunk Me: *you’re

Why be an emergency contact when you can be the emergency.

I’m fluent in walking away mid-conversation.

BREAKING: Criminals Continue to Crack Down on Anyone Who Isn’t a Criminal

America is truly the land of opportunity: the opportunity to be unlawfully detained and disappeared for political dissent, for being anything but white and heterosexual, for exposing corruption and evil, for doing what is right because we have an orange infant who refuses to vacate his booster seat

ME: that made me sick to my stomach THEM: what did you eat ME: nothing, I just realized I’m still in this stupid timeline

BREAKING: Legislation Has Been Filed to Put Charlie Kirk on U.S. Coin Currency, Tentatively Named BitchCoin

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

When I'm not here you might find me tearing it up over on Zillow or maybe crying in the bathroom.

I don’t have a safe word I am fond of the word no though That and banana

Hello? Hi. I'm calling in regards to upgrading my sexual matador for the horny rodeo clown package. Yes, I'll hold.

hard to get work as a photographer when my passion is taking photos of other people’s photos

What even is social media? Does it involve touching?

No, no, I don’t need any new Halloween decor. Wait, is that ghost wearing glasses?

“C’mon, release the files.”

“This is awesome! Don’t you think this is awesome? So awesome!” “You are SO immature.”

Sadly, the brutal underground sport of kitten fighting continues to go on unabated, and remains criminally unreported.

“No Kings” is a resistance movement and also a weird poker game.

Shakespeare in two lines. King Lear. An aging monarch gives up his realm to two evil daughters and the third invades with a French army and everyone dies.

chair up fella

Apparently I don’t meet the height requirement for people to take my rage seriously

I’ll reply to your post 10 months after the fact, without hesitation, I am built like that

fun fact I’m a distant relative of the lord of the dance

person who’s bad at this: rapture more like capture lol person who’s also bad at this: rapture more like crapture person who’s even worse at this: rapture you mean rupture person who

omg omg i think im being raptured nope just stood up too quickly oof nvm

Only one square still missing on my "The 2020s are the 1970s Revisited" bingo card: a petrol crisis. Stay tuned.

Damn right I’ll disparage the president. I don’t work for a major tv network and I’m not famous. You bet your ass I’ll exercise my right to free speech. I’ll do it after they take it away, too. To dissent is patriotic.

other than the crumbling of the social order how’s your friday going

I really miss just getting lost in my thoughts.

truth can hurt but i’ll pick it every time

I was an open book, but you were illiterate.

Sometimes I say things that border on genius, other times I wonder why potatoes smell like dirt.

Just saw someone say they prefer Tylenol’s Rapid Release (of the Epstein files) and lost it

Damn, I know we have issues but to put us on clearance?

Yeah you say you're old but do you have a "good" broom?

First he incites his followers to hang Mike Pence and then he places a tariff on couches? Man this guy hates his vice presidents.

Select all the photos of traffic lights to proceed to Heaven -RAPTCHA

There once was a girl from Regina Who poked apples into her vagina Now she was tormented When the apples fermented But she’d never had cider taste finer

God is Gouda

Sonic Youth is their children’s menu, right?

I’m not shallow I’m empty get it right.

“I’m looking at vaginas.”

Meteorologist: This is a serious situation. Earth: 80085

It's impossible to drink root beer and be in a bad mood

me: i’d like to show off my arms clerk: okay me: and i want to look snazzy clerk: gotcha me: but also ward off vampires clerk: wait right here

This day in history. 1907. Dominion Day in New Zealand when the islands were proclaimed self-governing just like a real country but they're not fooling me.

The less I know the better