I'm a Brit, you're Canadian. Please don't thank me for thanking you, I'll only feel compelled to thank you back so you’ll then thank me again and before you know it we'll have been at it all night.

if marketplace doesn't have it you don't need it

I would consider this grounds for divorce.

This day in history. 1692. The Massacre of Glencoe. Dozens of members of the clan MacDonald of Glencoe were killed by government troops when rather than pledge allegiance to King William III the MacDonalds just made Scottish noises at the back of their throats.

sorry to humble brag, but with deep concentration, I can move my hiccups through my digestive track and turn them into flatulence

instead of valentines day can there be another halloween

70s children television shows exemplify why psychedelic drugs are the answer.

I'm so old that when I first saw it in the cinema it was just called Star Wars.

Man I miss crop circles and skinny jeans.

Finally bit the bullet, moving to the country to eat a shitload of peaches

I need a “stop doing that” list

Sometimes people come into your life, and that’s got to stop.

BREAKING: The Pentagon announces that U.S. military jets have successfully shot down Russell from Up

a old dude on marketplace dm'd me and asked me to phone him about my listing. PHONE. while stunned, i am simultaneously soothed by the 1978 vibe

Doctors at Walter Reed Hospital were initially concerned upon finding a large mass during President Trump's annual prostate exam. Upon further examination, however, they were relieved to discover that it was just Pam Bondi.

If you don't get the joke, don't become the joke. Just log out and go buy a BMW or something.

Eating because I’m hungry, bored, stressed, happy, sad, not hungry, breathing.

[office canteen] coworker: I hope you don’t mind but I used your mug as mine’s dirty me: of course not, and I’m sure you don’t mind that as my wife has a headache I used yours instead

Welcome to Do’s & Don’ts Club. Pay your dues at the door or don’t come in.

Recently, there have been several stick-ups and one Axe murder (in the first Degree). Management has made no Secret of the need to increase security, but still haven’t found the Right Guard. Finding themselves underarmed, the crime wave continues to roll on.

Truth be told I sometimes use big words I don't fully understand just to make me sound cleverer and more ambidextrous.

I don’t tell drug companies when to make drugs. What gives them the right to tell me when I can operate heavy machinery?

Sincerely, L. Cohen

Noble gasses are just peasant gasses that went to private schools.

I’m beginning to suspect that the last name of those brothers isn’t actually “Chemical.”

This day in history. 1450. Feast day of saint Julian the Hospitaller who murdered his parents in their sleep but it's fine with the church because he thought they were his wife and some dude.

the epstein files have done nothing. only the pee tape can save us now.

No honey, I know you know when my birthday is; you just don’t know when now is!

no humping for me today thanks but i wouldn’t say no to some trashy necking

peering out from between the threads of an unraveled life, rolling the end between my fingertips

I can’t even get mad at conspiratorial randos online anymore. Anyone who doesn’t feel at least a little bit crazy now is not right in the head.

Olympic medals falling apart after being awarded feels pretty on brand for 2026

Need an impeach and imprison bumper sticker

the typos will continue until my brain ceases its shrinking so never

Oooh...buy local. I thought you said "Bye, Loco." I'm much more familiar with that last one.

*holding a press conference* i did not cahoot with that man

i told my dad i was switching his phone to dark mode and he said don’t do that i need to see happy things

storing all of my ancestral spirits in old snapple bottles

the hoa used grok to try and settle a dispute between neighbors and now they’re both naked while trying to measure each other’s skulls

*talking into a banana* no you hang up first

“”No worries,” I say pulling my Burger King crown down over my eyes.

we were never meant to see everybody’s opinions all the time

thank you for contacting the abyss. your scream is very important to us.

Now is the season for becoming nocturnal to avoid the heat.

Do people who eat cookie dough know that you can just bake that shit and eat an actual cookie?

Luge is an Olympic sport where participants lay back and attempt to hang on for a very bumpy 58 seconds. Most married women win the gold medal once a week.

Excuse me, do you have a Valentine's Day card that plays "Dust in the Wind"?

Everyone at work complaining about the quality of the coffee and I'm over here saying Hey free coffee!

she conjugate on my verbs till I grammar