DOCTOR: we found drugs in your system ME: is there anything you can do DOCTOR: no you did them all

Fleetwood Mac: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. Me: Um, OK, if you insist. The 𝘛𝘶𝘴𝘬 album was a GREAT idea.

If you listen carefully, you can hear hindsight laughing at you.

It seems to me that folk are either cat-people or dog-people. It also occurs to me that I should maybe lay off the PCP for a while.

I'd say I’m pleased to meet you but we both know that I would be lying.

The camera doesn’t lie, but Photoshop is one deceitful motherfucker.

The scariest part about Halloween is that people knock on our doors. It could be anybody.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying flat on my face more.

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

on the next episode of copse

them: i love your halloween horror makeup! me: my what?

welp, another day goes by without a ceo being able to pass the don’t be a fucking ghoul challenge

life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans bsky is what happens when you’re busy avoiding life

my slutty schrödinger halloween costume may or may not be all finished

Nobody fears my comically large magnet, but they should. They really should.

I should get a wife

on mastodon the mods don't arbitrarily ban you from the service but you'll wish they would

There’s alone and then there’s lonely and they really aren’t the same. Don’t get them confused.

Earl didn't mind the long commute. He was finally an upper level demon and enjoyed the time alone with his thoughts.

This day in history. 1849. Edgar Allan Poe died in distress in hospital, crying out "Tear up the planks!" and "What is the frequency, Kenneth?".

Get some Vice Krispies

Adult cereal content… Who doesn’t like Cheery Hoes 😎

Friend: Where are you? Me: At the DMV. AC: At the devil. Me: At the DMV. AC: At the devil. Me: Seriously? I know how to spell the word I want to use. AC: Okay, remember that next time you can't spell pachycephalosaurus.

behold the bold and brave washington post opinion section (under new management), lol

Mastodon mods tonight

*googles “beginner butt plugs” on your work computer*

Friend: I found your doppelganger *shows you picture of the worst looking person you've ever seen in your life*

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn't moving, no exits, no details on Waze, doesn't look good. Friend: You're being dramatic. Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder. Friend: Seriously? Me: I'm a hunter now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

Me: I want wings. Genie: *sighs* Seriously, that's your wish? Wings?! You stub your toes and bash your elbows on everything. Me: I don't care, I want wings! *POOF* Genie: Can you admit it now? Me: *wings stuck in seat belt* You may have been right.

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course, this means the engine has healed on its own.

Me preparing for my presentation in front of the mirror: gas is a state of matter with neither fixed volume nor fixed shape. It is a compressible form of fluid. A pure gas consists of individual atoms or molecules Me up on the podium in front of 300 people: umm ok, so you know about farts

I absolutely cannot stop living my life by the #1 rule, which is party

Using the Scooby Doo model, scientists were able to run all the way to the edge of the universe by being chased over an unchanging background until they finally saw through the illusion and just tore the mask off of everything we know

This day in history. 1994. 48 Solar Temple cult members were found dead in murder-suicides. They had miscalculated the End of Days by almost 30 years.

Genie: And your third wish? Me: Reveal the hidden valley where they make delicious ranch dressing.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This day in history. 1999. Cinnamon Roll Day (Kanelbullens dag) in Sweden so surrender to Big Yeast, dust your buns in cinnamon, and roll.

Cat: [jumps onto my lap] Pet me, human. Me: What’s in it for me? Cat: You get to feel like a supervillain.

Chaka Khan’s 𝘐 𝘍𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘠𝘰𝘶 is my favorite song about trying to find someone in a dark room.

one of us either needs to take grandma to the optometrist or tell her no more cats

I feel your pain no that's mine.

Whenever I feel homesick I go into a dive bar.

Me: *texting* I'm sorry but I need to feel a connection. Autocorrect: I'm sorry but I need to feel a Cinnabon. Me: AC: Me: *send*

what's worse is that they don't even know they're being excluded

genies think they can just park anywhere they goddamn want to

Kristi Noem vowed on Friday that the NFL “won’t be able to sleep at night” after the announcement that Puerto Rican artist Bad Bunny will perform at the 2026 Super Bowl halftime show.

Will We Ever Have A Universal Flu Vaccine? www.iflscience.com/iflscience-t...

GOOD NEWS! Researchers have made a HUGE breakthrough towards a UNIVERSAL antiviral. By targeting sugar molecules found on the surface of many viruses that SHARE structural similarities, they identified FOUR compounds that successfully BLOCKED infections from SEVEN different viruses.

Walk of shame but it's me walking back across the restaurant after spending 15 minutes in the bathroom. Don't look at me like you've never had too much coffee you judgy cow.

The Indie dinner to reveal Legenda was one of the most magical experiences ever. Balliol provided the fantastical setting, I gave a personal tour of Oxford, we manifested legendary women in our readings and ate dishes inspired by Joan of Arc, Marie of Oignies, Lady Godiva and Queen Victoria!