Why build a time machine? To scratch my own back, of course.

I think some folks are way past the the skills of 3 Christmas ghosts. Let's just give Krampus a map of D.C. and call it a day.

Meteorologist: This is a serious situation. Earth: 80085

Why build a time machine? To scratch my own back, of course.

"A woman who demands equality is labeled difficult, emotional, or crazy. That tells you exactly who benefits from her silence." --Roxane Gay

By not easing my car into the intersection before the light turned green, I have thrown the entire day's critical schedule of the driver behind me into total chaos.

guillermo del toro’s pippy longstocking

a future civilization finding labubus in landfills and thinking they were our deities

Impeach, convict, remove. And if our current leaders won’t do it, they need to step aside for people who will.

Can’t, I’m busy shocking the monkey

There is a manatee that lives in the river on the edge of our community. We call him Hugh. One time some neighbors and I built a wood enclosure for him. It was a home for Hugh manatee.

In 1300 Harold the Dense destroyed his own castle in a gender reveal trebuchet accident.

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years to come

As the zombie picked off the hikers one by one, what was left of his own brain thought, "Best trail mix ever!"

Prairie dogs are just dogs that churn their own butter.

I caught myself absentmindedly admiring my own butt in a full-length mirror today and I have to say that as middle-aged dadbod asses go it really is quite unappealing. For once even IKEA’s security guard and I were on the same page, which is why they asked me to pull my pants up and never go back.

I think it’s time to put this one back out into the ether, friends Come and learn about how the tropes undergirding anti-Jewish hatred and conspiracy theories as they exist today came to be…

If old movies taught me anything it’s how awesome it would be to have my own skeleton army.

“I AM A GOLDEN GOD!”

This day in history. 1976. OJ Simpson ran for 273 yards against the Detroit Lions not stopping until authorities agreed to let him talk to his mother.

Friend: You're just paranoid. There isn't a turkey stalking you. Me: Maybe you're right. Turkey hen on my roof: *just standing there, menacingly*

*Great moments in DM history 1869* My dearest Hortence, I trust you received the tintype of my dick, for which I invested great cost and effort. If you do not find pleasure in it, then kindly go to hell. Sincerely, J Chadington III

It’s the kind of cold rainy day where you curl up by the window with a cup of tea and a good book. Hope your boss doesn't notice.

seen on WT Harris in E Charlotte

Friend: You're just paranoid. There isn't a turkey stalking you. Me: Maybe you're right. Turkey hen on my roof: *just standing there, menacingly*

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your spouse is by not having one in the first place. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Dawn had to keep reminding herself that this was just temporary, and she was only doing it to put herself through law school.

Never be afraid to avoid new things.

The best way to avoid wasting good money on expensive personalised licence plates is simply to change your name to match your car’s existing plate. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

This day in history. 1894. Repudiation Day for the residents of Frederick County Maryland. Originally a celebration of their rejection of the Stamp Act in 1765, this year they're repudiating chihuahuas.

“Chappell Roan” sounds like a Hallmark Christmas special about a young girl and her best friend, a shy filly.

Using the word 'boobies' is not acceptable for a man of my age. At least it isn't if I'm listing them in the 𝘩𝘰𝘣𝘣𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘴 section of my resumé, apparently.

Every year about this time, Leonard and Estelle went to go stay with her sister Carol in Toronto until the heat died down.

[Emergency Room] dr: I agree it’s unsightly but it’s only a rash me: but it really hurts to sit on, doc dr: just apply this lotion, if it’s still bad in a week see your own dr m: but doctor— dr: no your regular physician is fine, it doesn’t have to be an ass specialist

Howl's moving castle is twerking

Cheetahs continue to be scary predators.

trust your instincts unless they suck

I'm always surprised to open a can of evaporated milk and find anything there.

MANIFESTING JOY BY SMASHING MY PHONE WITH A ROCK AND THROWING THE PIECES INTO A VOLCANO.

movie posters featuring the muppets: thread

WE ARE STRONGER TOGETHER‼️

The sequel to The Breakfast Club is called The Early Bird Special Club.

Did my part to prevent waste and finished off the guac before it went bad. No need to thank me. An environmental award? For me? Oh no! I couldn't!

When you had a month to get your science fair project done but waited til the night before and threw something together.

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵 From a distance: 🎵bah bah bah🎵 Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human! Camera Sasquatch: I don't know. Could be a bird.

This day in history. 1977. The New Zealand government announced that the national anthems would be "God Save the Queen" and "Rugby Fuck Yeah".

Me: I have two birds inside of me. Doc: Swallow one stone. That oughta do it.

It's sad that Brian the emu was ostrichsized by the other birds.

Imagine how scary it would be if birds really did appear every time you are near.

me: *eating fresh mackerel* this must be what penguin tastes like