Looking for a new therapist, and I’m a bit miffy that they don’t allow you to filter by: Postmenopausal ✅ Yes ☑ No

Thong bodysuits, if you’re gonna ride all up in my junk like that, at least give me some clit stim, as opposed to rubbing my asshole raw. #TallGirlProblems

nothing makes you feel cooler than your jokes getting denied by a facebook mushroom club you joined solely so you could eventually post aggressive mycelium porn

hey! you! look at this snail ๑ï

meetings would go smooth if these young bloods were raised to appreciate all of my 80s references

[flirting] wanna watch me eat all 20 inches of this ikea hot dog?

Pointelle is a beautiful name for a girl

ATTENTION: inspired by @amybrown.xyz, the Please Ask Me About Gay shirt is out. 100% of the profits will be split among: • National Center For Transgender Equality • It Gets Better • The Trevor Project • National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color bornmiserable.threadless.com/designs/plea...

What is really going on with men right now? Here’s the hard truth most people don't want to talk about. For the first time in modern history. Women don’t need men to survive. We can pay our own bills. Buy our own homes. Build our own careers. Raise our children. So now? (cont. in alt text)

"impeach" was day one. now I want to see that head roll like a bowling ball on live TV

A perk to having memory issues is forgetting wtf my problem was

if ur gonna date a member of the male species just treat it like a science experiment so u don’t get disappointed. theyre only there to teach you about their kind so you can use it to your advantage in the future

Fuck ironic detachment the time has come for earnest enthusiasm

Aw, ya’ll so sexy

Pajama party, where my late night crew?

My tuxie girl, Rhubarb, when she was wee 🖤 🤍

You’ve never been ignored the way a German Shepherd can ignore you #CityDogFinn #CityDogAlice #GermanShepherds

Goals. Also, she’s had enough, goddamnit.

Waiting for my date to start with Pam. Pam Ballam.

please, sir, my posts, they're such shit

I think y'all should all board a jet to Little St Bart's and hate fuck Temu Ronald Reagan and get that mediocre man out of y'all collective tiny skulls

Pajama party, where my late night crew?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Himalayan salt lamp?

Joe and I just shared a laugh with Alexa, and it was as weird and awkward as it sounds #RobotThreesomes

if i was the jolly green giant i would pick fist fights with people just to tell them, "ya know what's great for that? frozen peas."

i will restart the entire song if u talk over it idc

If you take away my peace, I’ll take away yours.

every time someone says coke zero here it means you have to take a drink of your cocaine

Fleeing to France - to take a lover so scandalously young, they’d get ID’d at the Eiffel Tower bar - would fix me 💋

Alice & I, when I could still go on walks - I just roll with my girl now, we added Finn for fun ❤️ #CityDogAlice

When I am king, you will be first against the wall #Radiohead

Leftover mashed potatoes FTW #PotatoCleanse #IrishGirls

The mole people of bluesky only come out at night. They'll go for your eyes first as they are soft, delicate and can be used to see. Don't answer any direct messages you receive between 12 and 4 a.m.

If you break enough lava lamps, then yes. The floor is lava.

Doing a tour of the neighbourhood with my corpse tied to the back of a Roomba.

Some people have a trick knee; I can tell the storm’s a comin’ cause I feel it in my batwings

Alas, it is only Thursday. But when I was younger, and Friday seemed an unbearably long time away, you could still rock out with your cock out on a Thursday. This song will make you feel that way. #Geese #SoundtrackOfMyLife

I’m getting a sponge bath. Jealous?

My buns are spaced 😵‍💫

Timeline cleanse. Teenage crush?

Life goals

I’m finally doing something about it

If they want partners, maybe they should develop personalities or maybe, just maybe, they don’t want to have kids Regardless, women shouldn’t be forced to fuck losers. We do that enough on our own

Emojis began with a simple smiley face and now you can choose from hundreds of other symbolic lies.

I'm going to coffee and cigarettes about it.

Je suis cette grenouille bouillie