shortly after my glass is full, it’s empty. idk what all this half stuff is about.

I had a gummy. Now I'm eating ice cream and watching Threes Company. This is living

That’s what you get when you go DEFCON 2 in someone else’s bathroom

Ladies get those dollars out because here comes Balsamic Never Calls!

As for What a Fool Believes, I prefer Robby DuPree’s version, Steal Away #AT40

“Sultans of Swing” is my least favorite Dire Straits song, and I freaking LOVE “Sultans of Swing” #AT40

Music Box Dancer in the 8th grade was my canary in a coal mine that the end of youthful whimsy was nigh #AT40

Make fun of “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” all you want but it taught me how to recognize rhetorical questions #AT40

This will get me blocked in all 50 states but Pink Floyd music only sounds good when you’re shockingly high. I blame Waters because Gilmour shreds even with a Diet Coke #AT40

I haven’t heard George Harrison’s “Blow Away” since 8th grade wood shop class, coming from the football coach pretending to be a shop teacher’s Panasonic am/fm radio by the scrap pile. That ash tray I was working on for my dad kept getting better and better with each cut and sand #AT40

Wait was Poco music played anywhere besides my barbershop on Saturday afternoons? #AT40

Best Star Trek crew; wrong answers only.

Every bag of microwave popcorn says do not use the popcorn button on the microwave. So what the hell is the button there for.

I put the id in vapid

It’s official I’ve entered my weirdly humming to myself constantly years

Lynyrd Skynyrd was all like “lord knows i can’t change” and then immediately changed tempos

Mantiply. Like multiply only more manly.

I’d like to officially announce that the scale and I are no longer on speaking terms. She knows what she did.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed? VICTIM: No ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

🎶 A cigarette that bears a lipstick’s traces…

hey banks stop offering me credit cards have you learned nothing

Time traveling to Dallas on November 22, 1963 and running up to JFK's car, yelling "noooooooo" and diving in slow motion to hold up his nephew in front of him as a shield.

Someone on TikTok said if you think about it, Kid Rock is just another name for Epstein Island.

Talking to anyone under 30 makes me feel ancient.

Band from the Bathroom Toilet Paper Lace

Black Eyed Pees

asking every guy who stretches with his leg up while talking to me to please stop because it makes my balls uncomfortable

Whenever I hear someone say chicken pot pie I get excited three times.

Band from the bathroom Latrine Del Rey

Band from the bathroom Glory Hole

Mr. President it’s Eric Swalwell on line 2 and it sounds like he’s crying

Band from the bathroom Urinal Cake

These are my paw beans…

Connecting to the free WiFi at the Dispensary What could go wrong

Stop pissing off Da Southside Pope before the country gets shut down for “safety violations”

When did we go from babies shouldn’t have babies to c’mon kids start fuckin’

President posts tiny dick pic, putting renewed focus on freedom of expression

I talk a lot of shit for someone who uses her fingers to add.

My favorite TV genre is vegetables telling Bible stories

ACAB includes the "share size" label on candy bags

It’s Friday I’m in love with more than a 25 percent phone battery charge

“What if we blow the conch but nobody comes?”

an Emerald Fennell movie about 9/11 starring Carey Mulligan as one of the planes

one thing I will not do is complain *immediately chokes to death on the complaints lodged in my throat*

I am slut for Fridays.

Won’t be long and we’ll be 3D printing food. Next step, Star Trek.

Found footage from the late 70s reveals earliest evidence that Jersey girls agreeing to wear their boyfriends’ away-team colors doesn’t mean they put up with their stupid fuckin’ bullshit

There was all kinds of drama going on between the crows and the squirrels yesterday and I was awfully grateful to be a casual observer and not a participant

imagine moving to a sleepy little seaside town only to find out there are no daily murders

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.