Look to the western sky after sunset over the next two nights to spot the two brightest planets passing during a close conjunction. https://ow.ly/JKEp50Z8Yco

what time is the booing on?

g̶o̶ ̶s̶p̶u̶r̶s̶⁣ g̶o̶ ̶k̶n̶i̶c̶k̶s̶ go natural causes

Maybe pop that post back in Drafts, let it marinate a few years.

they should invent a sourdough finisher

who you are at a four-way stop is the real you

I'm at my kinkiest when I wear my fanny pack full of Reese's to bed.

My guess is a term coined by mechanics in reference to bearings or joints

No better feeling than when someone else’s dog or cat picks you to hang out with, and their owner's always all "awww he likes you" and you play it cool like "he probably just smells my dog" but inside you're just absolutely screaming OF COURSE HE LIKES ME I AM THE CHOSEN ONE AND VERY SPECIAL

[whispering to crying baby] You have no idea

All my laughter is canned at home

Starting to suspect I've acquired a cursed artifact or two

That’s all I remember without searching the web.

Step one: Admit that everyone here has a problem

After I shed a few more rights, I'm gonna be totally ripped

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the skeets I cannot change. The courage to delete and re-skeet those I can. And the wisdom to know when I should just shut the fuck up. One day at a time.

Might fuck around and launch a new 12 step program: Overskeeters Anonymous

I skeet for the people who are looking for their glasses while they’re already wearing them.

“imma post drafts,” she threatened

have you tried having more zoomies about it? (me as a cat pspspssychologist)

Ok, time for some frolicking

Try a little kindness, bitches.

Just me and my resin bunny rabbits sitting on the front porch watching it rain.

I’m not trying to be dramatic, it just comes naturally. open.substack.com/pub/astrolog...

I made Carnitas for the first time in my life. I’m drooling.

82 years ago today my grandfather, who lied about his age to enlist in the military, was in one of the first waves of landing crafts to hit the beaches of Normandy. He's been gone a long time now, but today I remember him and the other brave souls who fought and died for a righteous cause.

If I had a time machine, I'd pop in there so I could go back and see when I snapped.

So, if you stop masturbating, does your vision return? Asking for a friend, of course.

Mood: Phil Collins - I Don't Care Anymore It’s so empowering when you refuse to get dragged into someone’s BS

My mom always said she hopes my kids act just like me. What a horrible thing to wish on your child.

We wouldn’t need all of these data centers if you would just stop sending me so many emails.

Sade - Smooth Operator . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁.

Five days until Jupiter and Venus have their close conjunction. Look northwest after 10.30pm each night. 🔭 🧪

I got extremely invested in this outcome

I wish my parents would have taught me how to be an asshole instead of being nice.

It's Schrödinger's slush-fund 😶

Can I DoorDash a kitten? That should be a thing.

Too bad Andy Rooney isn't alive. 60 Minutes could have fired him as well.

This is Bodie. His presence indicates the beginning of Pride Month. May his whimsy and steadfastness bring joy and confidence to all. 14/10 the parade starts right behind him 🌈🐾 (IG: hellobodie)

Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo 🦈

Morning people should be required to whisper until the rest of us accept reality.

Rabbit rabbit 🐇 🐇 #June1st

I’m not touching you (tauntingly) -me to grass

Meatless spaghetti with sauce right out of the jar like it’s 1985 or something.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

Knock knock Who's there? Little old lady Little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel! #joke

I’m not weird, I’m eccentric.

Rolling up on some flat earthers and pushing them over the edge

POWER TO THE PEOPLE x FIGHT THE POWER ✊🏾