Therapist: wtf is it now Me: I FUCKIN HATE WHEN PEOPLE SPELL IT "TIDDIES"

You wouldn't give capitalism to a toddler, Kevin. It says right there on the package that it's a choking hazard.

[making popcorn w/ my niece] Niece: do u have butter spray? Me: no but I was gonna melt some butter to pour on it Niece, disgusted: BUT THEN IT’LL TASTE LIKE BUTTER

Had a nice can of wine at the haircuttin place today

Character redesign

*falls asleep on my back* *wakes up due to neck pain* *rolls over to right side, falls asleep * *wakes up due to shoulder pain* *rolls over to left side, falls asleep * *wakes up to hip pain* *rolls onto back* *repeats for infinity*

Well at least I'm not broken enough to post parables on linkedin

I'm losing my mind over how many reviewers are like "GDT's Frankenstein makes you wonder who the real monster is." THAT'S THE STORY! That's the story Shelley wrote!

when will a frankenstein movie be brave enough to let us see the doctor choosing the dick

Sorry our jokes on here are disruptive to your super duper smart big boy political echo chamber You better get back to replying to that Think Piece a shitty journalist linked to

If I wanted to just play an RPG where you just have to shoot everything, I'd just play one of the Borderlands games again

What if someone likeable had a podcast

Every time you call them skeets it really annoys some dork

i too once forgot how to like and reskeet like many of you

These grocery prices are actually traumatic.

I pretty much never follow accounts that post nsfw content because it kinda just feels like i’m trying to nerd out about old retro stuff while there’s some random naked person jackin it in the same room.

(bout to date myself here) but I don’t think I’ll ever be brave enough to do a NGL cuz once I had something similar for myspace & a bully/ bullies at my school just flooded it with hate messages & I still to this day don’t know who said what & I don’t think I’m strong enough if that happened again.

When someone comes to you in utter despair with life altering debilitating news, it's important to reply with, "Same thing happened to me, only worse"

Finally ordered progressive lenses so I can stop looking at all the dumb shit you guys say on my phone like an old fucking man

I don’t like to brag, but I’m getting pretty good at mental illness.

ME: How did it go? SON: We lost ME: Did you give it your all? SON: Not really ME: Good, it would have been a waste of time if you did

I'm pretty knowledgeable about what food pairs well with tap water

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

My five year plan? Probably just to say, “I’m really not feeling it today,” 1,825 times.

would like one (1) cocoon to disappear into for an unspecified amount of time, emerging as a mini Mothra — beautiful, dangerous, known to fairies

I was not meant to work, I was meant to run through an aged, decaying mansion lit only by the intermittent flash of lightning outside impossibly tall windows and the candelabrum in my hand, my gossamer nightgown fluttering around me like moths to the flame.

And now...I must go The screens need me

Any faction that starts with "The Order of" in an RPG is gonna be a fuckin drag

I had to use my brain muscles today. I didn't like it

This is how I’m gonna look every time someone dislikes one of my posts.

hey, i have good posts but you don’t know them they live in canada

Messing around. I have that thing where the desktop background changes everyday and I thought the wave today was very pretty. I might mix things up like this anyways since I'm pretty disillusioned with character "lore" overall and I think I prefer this character more like a mascot or muse.

The internet used to scream at us when we connected, and we didn't take the hint

*lowering hand* ok bud, talk to the face, it's listenin'

When you're at a Japanese steakhouse and the Hibachi chef throws you a piece of shrimp

Starting my next video call standing in the corner Blair Witch style

Me: *telling cute new young guy about my hobbies* Cute New Young Guy: what's minesweeper

A trial where both the plaintiff and the defendant are courtroom sketch artists, feverishly drawing each other as terribly as possible.

yeah hi how big is the large

i read the news today oh wait it wasnt that bad

I bet a different browser will fix my life

Man I miss when the animation in The Simpsons was kinda noodly and had actual personality

It is my sincere belief that my office chair is ruining my body and possibly my entire life

How do y'all have enough energy to have alt accounts? I can barely keep up with one

I work hard to get this body. Eating an entire large pizza and 50 hot wings is hard work

This is what happens when you send me email

Sorry I'm late I was working on my slutty Kenny G costume

Everything is always about me

Me, live skeeting from the doctor's office: This lady is telling me if I stop skeeting I might die

i got blueskied last night