Okay well that Wolverine game trailer was fucking dope so at least there's that today

if you just watch this over and over it has the same effect of watching the news lately

hey ma, did you see I made the Forbes 30 Under 30 for unhinged posters. yeah it's like the Super Bowl for the mentally ill

My check engine light came on while driving home from my mom's cancer surgery Like how is this even real life, I feel so defeated all the time, man

Leaning back, like I’m dodging bullets in the Matrix, just to get the last few drops of orange juice, out of the carton.

Are you prepared to summon and face Axl? #Grounded2

Hospital waiting rooms are always an absolute freak show

holy shit can't believe i live right down the hall from the place where they filmed This Is Us

You know what we should invest $100B in? Love.

What if the rapture actually did happen but literally everyone sucked too much, so it was unnoticeable lol

I'll never understand the "Super Mario if you had to play it in hell" genre of platformer video game, tbh

I like when the sky cries with me.

KitKats for breakfast wasn’t the stellar decision that I was sure it would be

My Boss: [patiently explaining something to me] My Brain: YOU TAKE THE GOOD YOU TAKE THE BAD YOU TAKE THEM BOTH & THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE

ATTENTION PARENTS: is your child texting about the Rapture? KNOW THE SIGNS: LOL: left on land WTF: where’s the family ROFL: rapture only for losers OMG: oh ma geddon

Tylenol Durden is this anything

The only thing I’m proud of is how much ham I can eat.

The most annoying person you know has movie recommendations they're dying to give you

At this point I'm basically just a walking middle finger

using one of these instead of a bidet

You can't win, Random Bluesky Account. If you block me I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

My dog is so smart she knows her name AND the 30 nicknames we've given her

this rapture sucks

Before Jesus shows up, do any Christians leaving tomorrow have a crush on me, y/n

SURVEY: We value your feedback! ME: Brother, you do not want this.

Follow me for more playful nihilism

There's a subset of very online people who would be absolutely CRUSHING Tylenol if it actually caused autism, that's how you know it doesn't.

Dumbest members of the right AND the left talking about revolution, acting like people are gonna get out and fight for anything most of the country can't even be bothered to get out and vote lmfao

When I first started here I allowed anyone to reply to my posts so yes, I’ve made it through some really hard times

Her: what are you thinking about? Me: I wish I had tentacles like some kind of ancient forgotten god

Who's down for some just-friends-spooning

Me: **sneezes** Credit Scores: **drops 37 points**

Sometimes I see posts that hurt my heart (some are sick, some are depressed, some have sick family members, etc). Not everybody needs words and just want to get it out. That's why I always respond with a 💙 or two, to let you know I see you, I feel you and I'm thinking about you.

There are so many good people doing good things every fucking day and we’ll never know a thing about it. Add that into the mix when the assholes get you down.

my cousin texted me and said she saw an article about the company I used to work for, so I asked if there had been any convictions yet

brain, brain, go away overthink some other day

my soul is weary of this place.

I lost my phone stylus down the side of this La-Z-Boy and my vacation is ruined.

Time to feed all my addictions

My favorite Greek myth is the one where the hero defeats the monster, but then the monster starts a podcast.

Spell Tome: Withstand Hump

Taught my wife to use chopsticks at 40 on a date yesterday, if you're looking for a wholesome moment amid the chaos 🖤

I'm glad all the "high information" folks are doing so much to effectively fight against the erosion of our nation and not, you know, just screenshotting headlines to share and being intolerable on Bluesky or something

NPC with limited dialogue who grunts out "welcome traveler, have a look at my wares" when he cums

I truly do say Okie dokie and I’m not ever gonna be sorry.

For fuck sakes never ever forget that you remained gentle in a life that was anything but.. And that is why I loved you and swallowed you whole.. #brokenpoet

Yeah I've seen a giraffe so what

I’m into self-improvement as long as it doesn’t require actual effort or feelings.

Give me your fax number, I have a hilarious Gerald Ford joke I wanna send you.

Every time I send a post, I can feel a giant hook yanking me off stage