I’ve spent the day smiling and only had one mini anxiety attack so far, so I’m a mostly happy lady I’m also giggling because smiling autocorrected to milking 😏😆

Going grey and becoming more morally so

I already got lightly cancelled yesterday so I'm resisting the urge to get into it over a really tiresome and stupid take on Batman today

My moral compass is asking myself in every situation, "would Batman approve?".

Genie: who even WANTS to eat 3 Slim Jims in a row Me: listen I don’t need reviews of my wishes

[Cumming] omg what's wrong with my pee

As a billionaire I’ve invented an entirely new form of philanthropy and the key difference is that it involves me not giving money to anyone

And now I'm going to sleep until May

christmas music is pretty good if you want to know about the lore

Mark Cuban may well have once been a well meaning person, I have no idea, but the simple fact is that being a billionaire makes you stupid and evil. There is no avoiding this. That amount of money empties out your head and soul. The only cure is to not be a billionaire anymore.

I’ve only ever been a social drinker which means I’ve been completely sober for eight years nineteen days.

u rly do just get over it on a random day

Mark Cuban singing along to Sublime but just tapping the steering wheel during "Take all of your money, give it all to charity-ty-ty-ty"

My tide? Yule.

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty? Me: Nice try, Santa.

Me when I get 2 likes on a joke I posted

I don't do yoga, but sometimes I try to plug my charging cable in without getting out of bed

I like to mix sleepy time tea and regular tea together and let them battle it out

Yes, I know. Things are horrible and progressively getting worse. Please stop telling me about it.

[sucks down a gallon of water] Oh maybe that’s why I feel bad because I haven’t drank water in 2 days

finally, the one time a year i can walk around with my light up Rudolph nose and get some respect around here

Hey hey, it’s ok to admit I’m right

I deleted the skeet that upset folks. I still personally feel like it was misinterpreted and harmless, but I don't want to cause people distress

Got added to a list titled simply "Cunts" Finally

Horse Christmas Horse child: Santahorse brought us apples! Horse child 2: and oats! hooray!! *excited horse noises*

"A Christmas Story" should be considered a Christmas movie debate me bro

can you really not buy multiple games at once in the nintendo eshop??? how is this a highly successful company anyway i just got a fraud alert from my bank for making for transactions in quick succession

Knowledge is power but the dumbest guy you know is probably doing amazing.

Took my nephew to get a pic with Santa Claus but the dude stank of alcohol. Can’t imagine what Santa thought.

One thing that’s absolutely bonkers to me and makes me despair for media literacy is, with Avatar: Fire and Ash coming out, seeing people confidently assert that Avatar: The Way of Water was just a rehash of the original Avatar. Even if you don’t like them, this is transparently untrue!

Ho-ing is my favorite Christmas tradition

There was no nutritional information on the box, so I’m assuming the serving size of this lemon meringue pie was one pie.

Marry Grimace everyone

Every day I just barely resist the urge to pick up my cat and pretend to play her like a set of bagpipes. She will never understand these sacrifices I make for her.

You're so "cool and jaded" that you can't seem to enjoy them, why even bother watching movies at all?

Almost every video game controversy is the stupidest thing you've ever heard

Treat yourself to an early Xmas gift and block me

I also have an Alt on LinkedIn. It’s a mid-level manager at Honey Bucket.

One really embarrassing thing about me is that I refer to bacon as “bacoms” when I speak to my dog.

There is still time to get the perfect gift for everyone on your list: the complete seaQuest DSV on blu-ray. Available at Menards (but not necessarily your local Menards).

No hot water this morning. Lemme get one of those sonic showers from SeaQuest

super sweet of my sleep schedule to add intermissions for literally no fucking reason whatsoever

Oh no, my Smart Glory Hole just sent me my Wrapped report

You can pipe your icing on my cookie if you wanna

Hey red pill, these are your “alphas” ON THEIR KNEES You’re next

Fuckin LOVE deleting work emails

Someone with a Daffy Duck avi just reposted me but I don’t think it’s the real Daffy Duck

I’m tired, and I’m tired of being tired

yea i got havana syndrome. havana fat ass

[Record scratch and freeze frame as Shredder is about to die in the back of a garbage truck] Voice over by Shredder: You're probably wondering how I got here