really need my brain to be like 10% less broken

Whoever named flashbangs probably had a really long day

thank you everyone who still makes art despite everything

Negotiating safe passage across the post-apocalypse with sketches of big breasted goths Worrying as my pre-fall pencil is whittled shorter and shorter, for there's still so far to go

why yes that was my complaint letter read aloud at company meeting, you're welcome.

Bed good, world bad

I fell asleep while a Jellyroll song was on and now all of my neighbors’ catalytic converters are missing

If you’re feeling extra lonely this weekend, turn off that pop-up blocker, playboy

people are always like "hey man how's it going" and I'm always looking at them from behind the frosted glass of the amulet's gem listening to the wizard speak for me

i’m going to costco does anyone need a lot

america really is the main character of the world, but in the twitter way

Just payed $3.50 for a regular size bag of M&Ms but sure the economy is booming

scan this QR code if you’d like to transfer yourself to a different reality

[gang fight] ME: *folds shawl* ok so no tickling right

Thanks to everyone who ignored me today. You’re the real MVPs.

Going to McDonald's for the 7th meal in a row because honestly what future would I even be eating healthy for

Pedantic! At The Disco

I think we should each be allowed to choose one detachable body part.

Guys do you think this guy with "entrepreneur" in his bio can help me with my rise and grind hustle mindset

Morning y'all. I have some good news. It's not Monday. And we got through yesterday.

I miss when going online was fun instead of making me wish my species was extinct

I love posting things that show my senile decay and lose boring followers

thanks for the drafts folder now can you rename the discover feed “for ewww”

With every banger comes ten following posts that can only be described as absolute horse shit.

my grandmother died in 1992 so i have no idea if i’ve continued to get more handsome since then

You can post some lazy shit take like "Batman is a fascist something something child soldiers" and become a thought leader on Bluesky

People who are scared of mirrors piss me off. Stop trying to ruin the best thing to ever happen to me (looking at my own reflection)

A coworker says “Great Morning” instead of “Good Morning” and I feel like that should be a fireable offense.

I've had a good run making Yahtzee pencils out of majestic, old growth cedars but now it’s time for me to return to my roots dumping plastic into the sea

if I can’t bring my cats I’m not goin

I was raised on a moody old jetty. I always look down when I walk.

[Account posts genuinely beautiful work of art] Bluesky moderation: WOAH WOAH WOAH, YOU SICKO

How your email finds me:

why universal translators use american accents

Posting AI generated garbage. Here's the actual art from Trudeau. This was groundbreaking cartooning from an actual artist with actual talent at a time when just having a character be gay got him banned from papers.

its just so goddam frustrating living in a time where morons get to pretend theyre smart by asking “questions you arent allowed to ask” that actually have been asked and answered a million times. we are fighting battles that were settled generations ago. infuriating

my lawyer: so, just to be clear, in your eventual passing you wish to be cremated & your ashes are to be sprinkled on top of every arby’s restaurant within a five mile radius? me, drinking pickle juice right out of the jar: correct.

all I’m saying is calling that a “titmouse” is very misleading

technically every jar of peanut butter contains a fragment of mr. peanut's soul

AI companies: here are some OBVIOUS lies because we're desperate for financing for a grift that does not turn any profit News articles, breathlessly: COMPLETELY HONEST & TRUSTWORTHY TECH CEOS SAY IS AI ON THE VERGE OF SENTIENCE, AND MAY BE OUR NEW GOD BY 2027, WARMING US ALL IN THE LIGHT OF UTOPIA

discord: please verify your age me: *lets out a sigh that seems to crawl out of my lungs rather than be exhaled, dense with fatigue, disappointment, so profoundly Gen X it practically hums with the ghosts of mixtapes, dial-up modems, and being told to “just deal with it”* discord: age verified

What do you mean you don't want the Internet to be an increasingly unusable pile of dog shit - Tech Companies

My factory reset isn't working.

Something something drafts something word vomit something bad brain

Babe are you listening I said $200 and a Kid Rock t-shirt

not nearly as many chances to earn a free personal pan pizza as an adult 0/10 do not recommend

i’m the type of girl who shows up with hard boiled eggs in my pockets but you don’t wanna hear that

capitalism is so ingrained in us, that we literally search out and rewatch commercials

posting is harmless provided you don't take it seriously- the second you start believing you're doing Important Work, that's when the madness takes hold

Note to self: Self does not want anymore notes