Me, unable to post a good joke for days: I am shadow banned

Damn Charles Barkley been hitting the ozempic, I see.

producer: what’s the new christmas song about? guy who wrote jingle bell rock: ok, so you know when you are riding your jingle horse to the jingle hop? producer: what the fuck

If you haven’t gotten me a Christmas gift yet don’t worry, I’m Orthodox. We don’t need to celebrate Christmas until January 7. You got plenty of time. allmylinks.com/jordangerous

It’s actually crazy how boomers just gobble up AI slop with no questions asked

There is something in Santa’s sack for each of you

Don’t whish me a Merry Christmas after talking shit behind my back all year. You are Feliz Navidead to me.

Happiness doesn’t come from money. It comes from bombarding your friends with Marxist propaganda.

There was no nutritional information on the box, so I’m assuming the serving size of this lemon meringue pie was one pie.

you would tell me if I was a homicidal maniac right

I’m your favorite poster’s favorite poster’s favorite poster

I need to win the lottery before Christmas so I can get this kid some gifts. I probably will, right?!

don’t wrap presents on the floor without a plan on how to get back up

I donated a car to charity a few years back and my reward for it is a pretty constant barrage of emails asking me why the fuck I’m not giving them more cars

I for one think it’s rude for Santa to cum down everyone’s chimneys.

Take me back to this era. Right before everything went to shit.

i saw mommy kissing santa claus while my dad was filming it from the cuck chair

bro you make me feel like a natural woman bro

My favorite direct message of all time: "seriously tho what is your fucking problem"

Someone broke into my basement, stole shit, and made a mess. Like I don’t have enough stress in my life now I got people breaking in in the middle of the night.

I ran out of underwear so I am wearing a thong and I am in PAIN. I can’t believe this was my preference for so many years.

Nicki Minaj called Trump handsome at TPUSA and now I want HER to take a cognitive test

anyone who jokingly says something and follows with “until next year” this week can eat an entire duffle bag full of dicks

Making this my lockscreen.

nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel

It’s winter solstice. Time to invite light back into your life 🖤

Oops my hair is down to the small of my back again. Now we play a fun game called “cut it and then realize you hate when your hair is short”, then wait for it to grow out again, and repeat the cycle.

Don't talk to me unless you have a grimoire.

Idk

I never wear pants in the comfort of my own home

Sometimes, you just have to put this song on and go have a good cry in the shower. Then, you can come out slap a smile on your face, and force some holiday cheer for the sake of your kid.

Waiting for my Christmas cash and gifts to start rolling in. AHEM. So easily accessed by the link in my bio…

Jake Paul is a bum.

Do I have resting bitch face or do you just buy into the patriarchal notion that a woman has to perform openness and availability at all times?

Do I have resting bitch face or do you just buy into the patriarchal notion that a woman has to perform openness and availability at all times?

ME: So... would you like to go back to my place? HER: Sure. ME: Great. Here's my key. I'm going to go meet some other people and be there in about 2 hours. I think there's a Fresca in the fridge.

I am so sick of being broke, I actually see why people turn to crime 😬

Imagine having a conversation with me, telling me a whole ass story, and me going “wait, what?”.

You kids are running out of time to buy me a Christmas gift from my Amazon wishlist

[watching recap of episode i just finished one minute ago] wait who’s that guy

[looking at your apparel] I can't believe you've don this

made gingerbread men with little dicks then bit them off. no hard feelings.

Being spontaneous is great, except for those times when you leave the house with that uncertain feeling that you may or may not have to poop in a little bit.

I’m sure that five grand asked Santa for is on the way. Right?

They want us mad at the Grinch so we don't ask who would actually have the resources to steal Christmas

Sometimes people who live in a warm weather states romanticize winter and I cannot stress you how shitty and brutal winter in the upper Midwest is lol

It’s early in the season for frosted over windows.

I hate it here

Jesus Christ, my Reddit account is a whole adult.

It’s a statistical certainty that at least one person on your department-wide teams meeting as a buttplug in.