I’m not a gym rat these days, but I still make sure I’m strong enough to drop a dude at any time.

I need Santa to be generous this year and give me and advance so I can see my parents for Thanksgiving and buy my kid some Christmas presents. Wonder what that fats bastard would want in return.

Art teacher: I think you've misunderstood. It's the models who will be nude. Me: Well this is awkward.

I had to come to the office today, so I doubt I’ll have anything funny to say

ISO (never been so glad you can’t send photos on bsky)

Emasculate a man by holding a door open for him today and saying “there you go, princess”

Make some soup, read a good book, not speak to a single soul.

The inmates are running the asylum and everything is FINE

hello NYC RESIDENT, mike bloomberg here to remind you that there's nothing "6-7" about free buses

I wish I could see Fleabag for the first time all over again.

Kind of bored, might seduce your wife.

Sharks, can I have $50 so I don’t have to deliver doordash after working all day today at my real job so I can buy groceries for dinner because I’m limping to payday tomorrow?

Emasculate a man by holding a door open for him today and saying “there you go, princess”

Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to toil in a dead-end position at an evil corporation, surrounded by soulless ghouls only to barely survive.

I just found this photo from 2008/2009? I don’t know why I’m on a picnic table, but this looks like an ad I placed in a website for foreign women seeing American husbands.

Eh. Pretty standard, tbh. No fun surprises like a secret weenie.

I love it being midnight at 7:35pm

pretty awesome how we sacrificed our constitutional rights in exchange for more expensive healthcare and food

my mind is the junk drawer of my body

I don’t have everything I wanted, but i am surprised by how some of the things I wanted actually ended up going once I got them. Solidarity 🖤

Confess your sins ngl.link/heyjordanger...

I walked in for one hour today and then they pissed me off and I decided I was taking a sick day which I never do so I guess it’s a mental health day

If you're feeling sad, may I suggest making yourself a burrito with approximately the same heft as a swaddled newborn baby?

I put you in my top eight please respond.

Oh my fucking God I just had a fucking meltdown about how I wanna go home for Thanksgiving, but I don’t know if I can afford to. I want, do once in my life have a nice fucking Christmas, but I can’t afford that either. Meltdown is over, but now my fucking brakes are squealing. Gonna lose my mind.

Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to toil in a dead-end position at an evil corporation, surrounded by soulless ghouls only to barely survive.

Nothing is very funny shouting lately, so the shitty posts will continue until morale improves.

Unfortunately, I do love to start listening to Christmas music on November 1st, which I know subverts my personal brand. I like to keep people on their toes.

this year it feels like the days aren't going to stop getting shorter until it's complete darkness all the time and then we'll be hit by asteroids during an alien invasion nuclear war zombie apocalypse or something

Well now look who brought a dislike button to a block fight

hey don’t bother the shrouded woman with the lantern who walks by the river at night she’s chill

Next Halloween I'm going to be a pumpkin so I can try to find someone to rearrange my guts

I don’t want inner peace. I want outer chaos for anyone who has ever wronged me.

Sorry I didn’t reply, I was too busy wondering if farts in a jar is still a moneymaker.

Hey, look, they named a pizza after you

When I was little, I used to play doctor with girls in my neighborhood. I pretended I had a PhD in Comparative Literature, and I'd serve them coffee at a pretend Starbucks.

i’m busy working instead of posting and it makes me SICK

It’s hard to be funny when you’re poor, so if you guys miss good tweets from me, imagine how I feel.

Keep checking my Venmo balance just in case

I invited you to a party I’m hosting. Every guest gets the aux cable for one song. What are you playing?

I need a grocery sugar daddy

I have a meeting this morning I have to look like a human being for. Here is proof (yes that’s my unmade bed, shut up)

Some people never double text I will not only double text, but I will send you an assortment of memes on every platform known to man with absolutely no regard as to whether you’ve read any of them yet

Nobody loves the word “whereas” more than an attorney

dressing up as a "hi there" dm and scaring the hoes

If you forget my birthday present, not to worry, it’s still October. Send it now! ven: heyjordsngerous cashapp: $ohheyjordan And if you have my number, zelle, Apple Pay. Really where works for you. I’m not picky lol

Anyone who ever tells me “everything is gonna be all right” is immediately untrustworthy

Spent $200 at the grocery store and somehow still have nothing to eat.

No thank you, Apple Intelligence. I don’t need you to sum up an email for me. I’m not a fucking caveman.

Tuesday morning vibe is the homies from Detroit.