can’t wait until all the dorks get raptured.

The only rapture I believe in

might boof some Tylenol for funsies

*holding finger to earpiece* we’re just now getting reports into the newsroom that Grindr has crashed in heaven

a black hole is just a giant gaping butthole really

He's a 10 but says "would of".

If anyone plans to be getting raptured, click the link in my bio to donate your money to me. You won’t need it where you’re going, but I sure do.

Tylenol doesn’t cause autism, voting for republicans does.

pfft this rapture could’ve been an email

Attention: even if I only went on one date with you 17 years ago, in my mind, you’re been pining away for me since. Than you.

Sneaking into the rapture to fight god

Guzzling Tylenol til piss myself to own the CONS

can’t wait until all the dorks get raptured.

Sorry I can't hang out I have to be up early for the rapture

More evidence against today

I want to dye my hair back to black and get a chin-length bob, but I’m broke until Wednesday so I can’t to buy dye. This is a really good example of why mandatory awaiting periods are good for mentally unstable people when it comes to guns or hair dye.

anyone want to go everywhere with me and say the punchlines of all my jokes in unison with me like the beastie boys?

My biggest let peeve is when you’re venting to someone and they say “I would…(followed by unsolicited advice). Oh I’m sorry, I don’t recall having asked you a question.

My hot parenting take that is that it’s more important to teach kids to be kind and empathetic than to be obedient. I’m not trying to raise a kid who will blindly obey someone that’s asking him for trouble as we can see very well in 2025.

Stop asking me if I’ve seen something on Netflix. I’m poor. I only have Hulu right now. I’ll flip flop back to Netflix soon. Having them both at the same time is for rich people.

What’s that old saying — Feed a fever, starve a dictator

One of the people in this photo sent me a message on Facebook calling me an ugly bitch because I said I would rather watch paint dry then watch a podcaster’s funeral. One of THEM called ME ugly 😂

I had decided I need to immediately color my hair right now today. Who wants to sponsor this journey into mental illness?!?

You can come to my pity party. Bring your own problems.

I had decided I need to immediately color my hair right now today. Who wants to sponsor this journey into mental illness?!?

My favorite fall photo

A glory hole for compliments

It should be illegal to have to cook dinner on Fridays, and in fact, your employer should be required to give you a bonus every Friday so that you can have dinner out

If I didn’t have a kid to take care of, I probably would’ve stuck my head in an oven a long time ago, so I don’t know why I should be grateful or mad

I need a lobotomy, I fear.

I don’t trust people who don’t get stress diarrhea

Imagine your embarrassment when the rapture happens and the ass you’re eating shoots up into the sky to meet The Lord

how can you believe in a loving and omnipotent god when the world is the way it is? it requires a level of cognitive dissonance I just can’t get to

A beautiful woman keeps calling and saying, “This is an attempt to collect a debt.” I hear you. A debt of love

Heard the old Emergency Alert System siren, thought of you.

Much like a watermelon, people have such high hopes that I’ll be sweet, but I rarely am

I don’t even remember what it feels like to not be stressed anymore.

someone recommended a movie to me and I said it’s on my list but that was a lie I don’t even have a list

Dorothy always threatened Sofia with Shady Pines, but it sounds lovely to me. Where do I sign up?

Put my ashes into a cylindrical urn so my wife can roll it on the coffee table and say “my late husband is rolling in his grave.”

I live in the United States, of course I have a brief panic attack every morning when I drop my kid off to school

shut up and prance with me

Oh perfect I caught my kid’s back to school crud. Feel like dogshit. Still get to make dinner and do laundry and etc etc etc

Someone said if you take a Russian, a Latino, and an Arab and put them in a blender you’d get a Balkan person and that’s about as perfect and succinct a way to explain it to you as I have ever heard

All my posts are premium quality, if you ignore the cringey ones.

She blinded me with science! Specifically, geology! (She threw a rock at my face)

Good evening, my fellow Shitposters: Tonight I want to talk to you on a subject of deep concern to all Shitposters and to many people in all parts of the world. Joke understanders.

Wait can you Klarna your rent?

one thing all woman can agree is is we’d let Pedro Pascal walk us on a leash.