Declaring my candidacy

It’s Friday and you deserve to have a little fun, in spite of the horrors. I, for example, will be laying our straw bed over fence pales and beating the filth from it with an oaken stave

Good morning friend I am a British Prince in a bit of a pickle, could you please wire me your personal bank account information have a blessed day

Just pulled up to the office and I kinda have to poop, my personal hell.

[family restaurant] me: do you serve kids here? host: of course! we serve whole families me: *touches earpiece* it's worse than we thought

Give me the unredacted list, I’ll take care of everything and find Nancy Guthrie while I’m at it.

Nothing is scarier than being on a meeting, ripping ass, and not being sure if you’re on mute. Your life flashes before your eyes

PS I got coffee on my shirt about 30 seconds after posting this and now I’m at the store trying to find a cheap shirt before I go to work. Fuck my life.

Getting pretty sick of getting up at 5am and having to look human and commute to work every day. I miss working from home, but also it’s probably good for me to be back among normal society.

click here to reset the country

Look at me all dressed like a normie and going tit he office 5 days a week. It’s week 2 and I’m already regretting it. It it pays more so that’s all I think about.

Anyone who’s not in my car with me right now on the way to work is missing the concert of a lifetime because I am truly pouring my heart and soul into performing this song right now

I assume anyone crying has just been keeping up with current events.

i don’t want impeachment, i want (redacted)

starring to really regret my 6 year old birthday wish to be a grownup someday

I have read the novellas, but this week’s episode of A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms still made me cry my face off

If a man isn’t treating you right, you should ghost him, and buy that I mean unleash a terrifying spectral spirt to torment him day and night

If a man isn’t treating you right, you should ghost him, and buy that I mean unleash a terrifying spectral spirt to torment him day and night

Happy Valentine’s Day. I’d find you in any lifetime (threat).

You can tell my kid was born in Wisconsin because he dunks his Culver’s cheeseburger in liquid cheese.

I have officially reached the sensible loafers stage of life. Goodbye, high heels at work. You served me well for many a year.

Still plenty of time to ruin Valentine's Day.

A glory hole, but for giving strangers Valentine’s Day cards

My favorite part of valentines day is when cupid shoots me point blank in the face

Don't make me do it (press the button that says restore 68 tabs)

I am but a mere vessel for cream cheese.

My last paycheck at my old job was minuscule beside of timing. My first paycheck at the new job isn’t until next week and I will only be paid for a week. So I’m more broke than ever. I love my life I really do.

me, 8: i'm gonna be somebody someday me, 38: i'm gonna take the world's best nap

Oh I thought you said "neck romancer" no, I'm not into this at all, sorry

Now accepting Valentine’s Day gifts 💘 allmylinks.com/jordangerous

Had to leave my sick kid at home today because I am still on week 1 of the new job. I feel so guilty.

Not even a week back in the office yet and I already heard some idiot talking about how if you properly place a nicotine patch on a child’s back, you can cure their autism.

Dear god please give me give thousand dollars if you’re real. Thanks.

I have a headache you guys. I can’t believe its only Thursday . Going back to an in office job and management after being an individual contributor working from home for years has been tough.

Getting back to working in office has been the longest week of my life and is only Wednesday. Like getting up early doing my hair and make up driving there in traffic working all day talking to people driving back home in traffic.

Pharmaceutical-grade cheeseburger.

So I went back to the soul sucking job I had before Covid because the last job I had that I actually enjoyed it didn’t pay me enough to live. It’s been two days and I’m already stressed the fuck out. Can’t fucking win man.

It’s my second day back in a grown up job in an office and I’m cranky and tired

feeling extremely “save a horse, ride a knight”

conservative: i can’t understand a single word in this halftime show, what else is on 🎵bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy🎵 conservative: amen patriot

Kid requested chili

Pretty broke, might rob a republican

american cheese is just like regular cheese but it owns a gun

putting a rotisserie chicken on each hand and boxing people at costco

There is no better drug that the first sunny day when you can feel a hint of warmth in Wisconsin after 6 months of cold.

good news, despite the poor ratings the network execs green-lit another season of my posts

buffet/funeral parlor R.I.P.izza

I had to spend all day doing shit I didn’t want to do. I’m exhausted. I start my new job Monday and I’m dreading going back in office. I have not enough groceries ir money to make it to payday. On the bright side, I put on this cozy mumu.

me: *watching men’s slopestyle but knowing nothing about the sport* me, an hour later: that guy’s cork and butter were weak but his japanese hold was peak

smoke detectors are woke and are making men soft