Ugh. Not again! Toad wtf?! I thought we had this. The seed saga continues... 💔

Found a dope new heart labyrinth in Griffith. Would recommend. 11/10 heart rocks rating

i'm like if an attention whore hated being perceived

Hurtful

Refuses to buy anything, unless clean up’s a breeze.

when you moisturize and you’re too slippery to open the bathroom door? that’s your slime time. you can use it however you want.

you’re laughing. sandwich throwers are getting away with murder* and you’re laughing. *sandwich throwing

Affectionate cats are divine creatures that we mustn’t take for granted

An app that lets you block phone notifications from a crush you're trying to get over if the post is too adorable

Don't harsh people's mellows, just marsh people's mallows.

Dear sunlight in L.A.: I missed you. I love you. ❤️ -me

I love pistachios, and chocolate, but that stuff looks like a it could be a gross out kids toy from the 90s. Don't trust it

I don't think i'm adhd, but the amount of times i tear up a place for an hour looking for my sunglasses only to find them on my head, heavily implies it

Dating pro-tip #4: Give up, assume rejection, and hold a mini crush funeral in ur head a month or so into doing nothing about it bc God forbid you make them feel uncomfortable for like 5 minutes No? That one's just a thing i do? Huh... #therapyfodder

I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on earth. Then I ask myself the same question. - Harun Yahya

Temporarily back in L.A. 💙🌴

Dear men in airport lounges: There is actually no award for who can have the loudest conversation in my vicinity today We're sorry for any confusion

I need a cooking show that tells us the important things, like how to make homemade Cheetos

Congrats NYC 💙

No Noise November. everybody shut up

Throw Waffle House crispy hash browns at me, in the name of love

Don't stress. We are right here in your pocket!

💔

FINALLY!! 💚 Been following this story for ages now. Was starting to think it would never happen.

Oldest selfie on your phone: My first live concert performance. The 6'4" giant helping w my ability to reach the piano is my dad.

My official congratulations statement on the Carly Rae Jepson news: (and also the only lyrics i will ever sing to this tune) youtu.be/-qTIGg3I5y8?...

Every secret squirrel has value

DEAL,SIR! *pockets kitten (gently ofc) and laughs maniacally*

A movie you've seen more than 7 times with a GIF (more than 30x's would be more honest description tho here)

Is it 6 pm? Is it midnight? Who can tell?

im flirting with them but idk if they know im flirting with them

saying "it's 5 pm somewhere" in reference to going to bed

I put you in my top eight please respond.

liking ten of your past posts at once after seeing you pop up in my feed and being like "there you ARE! BITCH, WHERE TF YOU BEEN AT?!"

You will like who i become... bc i will hunt down and slay your enemies!!!

Why I don't have to worry about Daylight Savings Time. Also why my oven still says it's 2:15 and my microwave says it's 10:50✨

One of my moots just read a book I wrote way back (pen name)! *cue combo proud/embarrassed creator mode*

NO! NO NO NO! NO NO! Stop it. You're talking nonsense. I will SUE, sIR!

ill never trust a mf who hates cats

Forgotten 90s bop to get Mariah Carey out of your brain. Use as needed. See your doctor if bopping persists for more than 4hrs. youtu.be/drbpP3tNhPc?...

All the new pfps and names today are so disorienting

When the person you're forgetting is literally the person you're talking to (dying)

Guys, I've had enough of this nonsense! I. AM. NOT. A. SQUIRREL. (Also, what squirrel in his/her/their right mind would drink white kombucha?)

1) to everyone on here, thank you for the riffing all night and for making this halloween the most fun in years 2) we miss you little Sourise, wherever you are, if you ever see this 🩷🐁 3) if anyone ever "dislike" buttons any of you, i will "dislike" button them back SO FAST

they should make it so you can dislike the dislike button

OMG! did you guys hear that! Stop! Listen!

Having a dark cherry kombucha in a wine glass with my eggplant parm tonight, so i can pretend to be one of you ppl who drinks 🍷 ✨ *sniffs twist off plastic cap and nods approvingly before pouring*

Your dislikes will only make me more powerful than you can possibly imagine

Opened the door to a gang of teens doing a fully choreographed dance routine at my front steps facing my front door. They said it's a tik tok (but no one was filming??) Real life west side story over in my hood, guys

do you like me? ☐ yes ☐ yes (enthusiastic)