*narrator's voice* but it didn't go viral... it cost her two blocks and a dozen mutes

Can anyone on here curse a spindle for me? I need a 100yr nap surrounded by thorny bushes and the corpses of impatient suitors

Agreed. I also enjoy birds.

she's a 10 but she is a celestial body, fallen from the sky, made whole again by your love, the light from which literally radiates from her body casting out the darkness. so that's nice.

Good thing everyone stopped using ai when I said something..

I feel sad for people who don't find me as funny as i find me. That must be awful. Thoughts and prayers 💔

“You have such nice skin.” “Thanks, I cry a lot.”

Not to be dramatic but if I don’t get a little kiss on the forehead soon I might eat drywall

First date idea: i show you my bluesky feed and explain all the jokes you don't laugh at until you learn to have a sense of humor

If you're arrested in Illinois protesting the planned ICE HQ in North Chicago, I can represent you pro bono. Email me at [email protected]. As always, I will take as many cases as I can.

If there was really gonna be a rapture this week, i feel like I would have been consulted, that's all i'm sayin

when you’re nice to me online this is how it feels

Unlike with a mouse, you should always give a squirrel anything it requests I am not a squirrel btw

have you ever maybe considered being less ridiculously attractive so i could focus on other stuff jeez

Ok, seriously guys, no one told me the rapture was this week! I have plans already wtf

Got too lazy to cancel my barre class on time, so now i have to actually go to my barre class

when someone gives you the finger just put your mouth on it to extinguish the anger.

Would anyone just scoop me up and put me in their shirt pocket so I can hear your heartbeat and fall asleep like a baby kangaroo?

what if I just keep getting cooler in a few years it'll be over for all of you, you'll all be in love with me

Same 💔

Everytime a gen z confuses grunge and goth, Robert Smith has to summon and fight Kurt Cobain's ghost and they're both SO over it

*takes a picture of my cat* *shows my cat the picture*

Me: tells everyone to join Bluesky constantly Also me: i hope none of the ppl whose texts I haven't responded to yet have Bluesky accounts

If your pfp is you in a swimming pool, I will assume you are the baby from the nevermind album regardless of how many times you deny it

Me and the gang gang

Tell the people you love that you love them. You are not guaranteed a second chance. No really. Tell them now.

If you won't drive me across state lines to the nearest Waffle House 4hrs away, do you even really like me?

hey bro do you want a kiss on the forehead

this email could have been a message in a bottle floating out at sea

i like that part in Welcome to the Jungle when, after 20 minutes of being welcomed to the jungle, Axl is like "do you know where you are? the jungle!"

I should get some sleep. Big day of ignoring my ever growing to-do list again tomorrow

Nobody straight up anymore and that's sad

Nobody lost in your eyes anymore and that's sad

Your emails will never find me

Is it his love language to make me cry

Just so you know, I’m not here to fight with anyone, or yell and scream. That’s what real life is for

Feeling overwhelmed? Try a korean paper face mask. Just unwrap, gently lay it over your face, and pretend it's the skin of your enemies ✨

This is clearly about me

If I know anything about bluesky it's that people love long, wordy posts that refer back to other posts they may not have seen for the punchline. Who doesn't like a research project 🤷‍♀️

Sneaking into all the wine mom homes at night to alter their 'Live, Laugh, Love's to say 'Lisa, Lisa, Lisa' bc everything needs to be about me

Guys, you gotta reskeet this to confuse the FBI agent monitoring your posts.

*discovery of potatoes* 1st person: What should we do with these? 2nd person: *clenches fist* EVERYTHING.

Wait, do the rest of you not mostly sext about potatoes too?? Or am i the only one who has a potato emoji?? 🥔

Reposted skeets are the new hallmark cards. Can't think of anything beautiful or funny to say to a million ppl the internet, there's a skeet for that. Just hit repost.

Take heart, you are seen.

Show me a picture on your phone that has your energy. Not a selfie.

let me have it (you)

Jesus says: no camera! #UrbanGaze #streetphotography #photography #bildbeschreibung #edelsuesz #Classicmono

Just got a scam text claiming I just signed in to a "coinbase" account (whatever that is) from Marseille, France and never been so envious of scam version of me 💔

Feels like a good day to remind everyone that you're an adult and you can buy a birthday cake and eat it whenever you want. You don't even have to cry first (but can if you want to because it's your party).