HI who wants to flirt with me look look I’m really good at it “Why hello~ I love that your nail color matches your earrings. You remind me of a beautiful poison dart frog. Are you impressed I said it right instead of fart frog? So… dyou wanna take a walk by the pond and look for turtles?”

Me: would you like to dance? Her: do you know how to lead? Me: you tell me Me: (dances us out of the boring grown up party and over to Taco Bell) Her: 🥹💕🥹💕😍 omfg

Oh my god age and gender is meaningless and I know this bc I am a red-blooded 34 year old manimal who is watching TV with his mom and I just went, “no, NO! She had a LOVELY TIME dancing with that NICE YOUNG MAN! Why don’t we see more of him??”

THE SANDWICH IS AMAZING!!

You guys. I am making that chicken bacon ranch sandwich. And watching the fuck out of the office (superfan episodes). If you’d like to come over, please bring cheesecake!

eating is pretty rad. you put stuff in your mouth, chew it and it has all kinds of flavor and texture. then you drink things and it all mixes and makes you feel good inside. and it gives you energy! 4 stars, highly recommend

Yeah I’m ya Beany Boy but none of you have seen Vicious Protector Lion Bean. Just know there are two sides to the… you know, bean.

Oh my god age and gender is meaningless and I know this bc I am a red-blooded 34 year old manimal who is watching TV with his mom and I just went, “no, NO! She had a LOVELY TIME dancing with that NICE YOUNG MAN! Why don’t we see more of him??”

the best shitposts are indistinguishable from mental breakdowns

I don’t drink but yes I DO want to make Appletinis with Meredith and watch Sex and the City

What I wouldn’t give for a full-hearted Avril Lavigne “yeah-ee-yeah” rn

I’ve said it before but I will say it again bc it is an Absolute Truth: Michael Scott would fucking idolize Sabrina Carpenter

you think naps are stupid? BLOCKED!!!

Murder mystery murderer: she stole my lover when i was sixteen. I knew then and there I wouldn’t let her take anything else from me M: so I killed her M: and I got caught by you guys so… life in prison or yanno, hanging… M: so really I let…her… take… M: M: aw sweet niblets

just reminded me of when i told a coworker i was going to get an icee once and he said “icee?? you are a grown man” and i had to be like “yes, that’s why i’m getting a large”

I want to watch all the films and shows with you that make me NEED to cry. Bc I want to experience safe grief with someone who will not ever see A Weak Spot To Target.

they bring the wife from Up back to life to reunite her with Carl and immediately shoot her in the head

Having a crush is… how do I put this… THE WORST AND ITS STUPID AND DUMB (oh, but she, she is so dreamy🥺)

My rug!!! It’s so soft and awesome! I love it! This is my vibe EXACTLY.

Okay I remembered. For the past few days I’ve been wanting to make a chicken bacon ranch sandwich. But I am given pause by the fact that I only have one Big Pan (it’s actually a very medium pan but it’s the biggest one I have) so the chicken and bacon would not be ready at the same time

Yall I totally forgot what I wanted to say

trash doesn’t belong in barbieland

You’ll all be pleased to know I am AT home IN bed fan ON eyes CLOSED

I am hiding in the bathroom until I can go home

I can’t believe I still have two hours to go. When I get home I am going to sleep for five years. I’m so fucking exhausted.

The bad news: I have to come in to work tomorrow The good news: only for 2 hours and 4 minutes

I have been neglecting my planner and that sucks. This weekend it’s gonna be Stickers Central.

It's the time of year when I feel in my bones why I first made this:

eating crispies sippin juice

Men: normalize reaching for your girlfriend’s hand when you’re scared, nervous, or uncomfortable. You are there to protect each other, it doesn’t just go one way.

Snuggle tiiiime and the livings easy

Having to listen to the chewing sounds of someone you’re already not getting along with is… I can’t think of a word severe and dire enough.

Waking up and remembering you’re somebody’s boyfriend must be so. Awesome.

Why is a baby alpaca called a cria and not an alpacino? And other questions that keep me awake at night.

Me: After I get out of work today I am going to be productive and social and get so much done Me after work:

First date idea: we do mad libs while eating our dessert. I am amazing at them.

I’m putting together a chair and I’m learning that this is when I am at my most vicious.

Everyone in my department ordered out for ice cream and no one asked if I wanted anything. It’s little things like this that don’t seem like a big deal (like, I can get my own ice cream whenever I want) but are a big deal. Why leave me out specifically? Feels very bad.

I hope my gf is on board with after-work naps. Or maybe she’ll just chill in the bed doing her own thing but still be close to me. That would be good too. 🥰 I feel like our cat will definitely be on board.

the people with everything keep deciding the people with nothing have too much

I have big deep drawers under my desk now so if one of you wants to come to work with me, you can scrunch into the drawer and be nice and safe while I work 🙂

Niceee the seller of the print I bought says it’s perfectly fine to send it back and exchange for a better size. Now I just need to measure my wall space when I get home. Which should be around 3pm :)

They are going to be installing some shelving in my cubicle or an overhead compartment or whatever and oh nooooo too bad I can’t work while they’re in there oh noooooo

I have never willingly called an adult human male “sir.” I just won’t do it.

I did what I dud

My headphones are nearly dead, I forgot to charge them! 😭

Hey folks, before you yell at me about Amazon being the devil - please note that I addressed this when I announced the CINDERWICH author's cut edition. It's not ideal! I know! But paying venues (esp for shorter fiction) have evaporated like rain off a summer sidewalk, and I have a mortgage, sorry.

I'm pleased to announce that my ✨Cheap Kindle Reads✨ page has been retooled with covers! original pub dates! and more links! to <$4.00 bargains that have 👏never 👏been 👏published👏outside an anthology or magazine! www.cheriepriest.com/cheap-kindle...

Today is just marvelous so far ☺️💕✨

☆ copy this to your profile and let your mutuals tell you their first impression of you ☆ 🥹🥹🥹🥹