hi im stebe jobs and here at Apple Computer we've been hard at work envisioning a new standard for device security beyond face ID. thats why today, we are proud to announce our new feature - Fuck ID. its the worlds first security system where you put your whole entire penis inside the phone

look just cuz I've blasted my endocrine system with crazy amounts of estrogen for two years and given myself pixar mom proportions doesn't mean my forcefem arc is over. it just means i want someone to forcefem me more

i almost posted "its not my fault i'm hot" but then i realized it is. it is my fault im hot. i did this

epic win comics #4: the park

it's crazy to think that I have been using FL for almost 20 years. i got the fruity edition of FL6 on my birthday in 2006. upgraded it to the producer edition around FL9, then upgraded again to the All Plugins edition a year ago. time flies when you're making electronic music

look at my little baby y'all 😭

you know, in another life I would have never considered even talking to a tinder match who had kids. but now? now I don't care. and more than that, i actually think it's wonderful. so much has changed

computer.....activate bedpiss

im so smitten with her yall. it's actually kind of embarrassing. she's so kind and sweet and easy to talk to about anything

reached a new threshold. now when im washing and rinsing my hair in the shower it touches the middle of my back. this is an all new feeling. i've never had hair this long in my entire life

nutted but still sucking pov

hugh jassle

i can't believe so many of you like my stupid fucking comics. i guess i'll keep making them. i'm learning new and advanced techniques

epic win comics #3: friendship time

introducing my new series, EPIC WIN COMICS, my first adventure into using a drawing tablet. please enjoy the very first comic i hope it makes u laugh a lot and be sure to keep an eye out for more EPIC WIN COMICS coming soon

come here. im gonna smell ya

homemade boiled chicken in vinegar with capers and olives and green peppers and celery. and then using a piece of white bread to sop up the juice. never kill yourself i love life

play to a click or fuck you!!!! thats what i say

[dead kennedys voice] it's all i need right now big butt to fuck!!!

"mom can we get most weasel" "we have most weasel at home" at home:

wondering why the second HDD hotswap bay on my coolermaster lan box wasn't working. looked inside and the freaking sata connector is all cattywampus. so i did what any reasonable person would do and just stuck a long screwdriver in there and bent the fucker back into place. works great now

it's the hot new game everyone has been waiting for: Eating Ham 2K26

I'm awake. debating saying fuck it and just staying up

im doctor snugy

btw here's how a true wheelman does it. this was first try baybee i still got the fuckin magic

pov: you're never getting out of that parking garage in the first mission of Driver for the ps1

one of the trainings im doing just said "operating systems include DOS, Unix, and Windows". hell yeah

i got blocked for this name. lmfao you can't make this shit up

reply to this post and I will give you a new name

brane remover

when you leave my colors fade to gray

mi-ya hee mi-ya hoo mi-ya ha mi-ya ha ha

a study in kinematics

reaping what i have sown by not giving my hair a thorough brushing for a while....oops

defamation? more like jeffemation. it's when you falsely accuse someone of being in the epstein files

what was the name of that mobile physics game where you had to knock down little structures made of wood and stone to kill pigs? anal birds?

large breasts

playing toy story activity center, the hardest hitting competitive game around. if you go over 39 you lose and i just played a masterful 4 to get exactly to 39, securing what i believe to be the win of the century. well this bastard fucking pig played a 0. i'm going to kill him

i want everyone to know that i use the Utopia sound scheme from windows 98/Me on my main computer because it kicks ass and i love it

i know it's a big meme song and the bouncing yaris and all this other junk but niko b's "why's this dealer" is unironically a proper banger. shades of mike skinner and the streets

the time between the Xbox 360's release and now is almost the same as the time between the Xbox 360's release and the NES, just in case anyone felt like withering away into dust today

one thing that's really funny is if you play Myst: Uru you can find researcher notes left behind by a member of the D'ni Research Group and half of them are just him talking about going home to watch the Patriots. and he talks about watching them win the Super Bowl in 2002 lol

you know that feeling after you floss real good where you can feel your heartbeat in your fucking teeth. i kinda love that like it's fucked up but it feels satisfying

im bubby

im not gonna lie if there's one thing google killed that i actually miss it's Allo. it was hands down my favorite phone messaging app ever and Google's RCS implementation has never come anywhere close to what we used to be able to do in Allo

pats win. satan rules this earth and i am his strongest soldier

update: got her number. i am positively vibrating

buying a box of new old stock sealed sony DVCAM tapes off ebay like hell yes

who remembers the zboard. i remember seeing this thing at gamestop and im not gonna lie i wanted one so fucking bad

hey bitch you didn't show up to tennis practice and coach is pissed. guess im gonna have to kick your ass twice as hard this weekend