The Field of Dreams cornfield should have had Shoeless Joe Jackson skulking about with the aliens from Signs

I miss when you could post Brave Norman Rockwell Townsperson and the caption could be, like, “R.E.M was wrong to leave ‘Fretless’ off of Out of Time” instead of “The secret police should stop murdering people.”

The commandments were a dead giveaway.

redaction grill marks on a bbq'd nation

Facebook is censoring my mom.

accidentally murdered a tiny spider while scrubbing my shower today, and I don’t think that guilt is just going to go away overnight

Gave my girlfriend a Werther's Original and now she's taken our relationship for granddad

Started at the bottom, I’m still here

[upon hearing the toughest guy in England pronounce tomato] I could take him

WIFE: What time are you getting up in the morning? ME (after watching hours of Olympic snowboarding): I’m dropping in around 7:30

I can fit that entire bowl of olives in my mouth ~ Jesus (from the unredacted Bible)

I impress her most with my fly killing skills.

Sorry for defacing your book, Fraser Valley Regional Public Library

When I have a civil & unequivocally polite conversation with one of my behateds, I imagine each deliberate & modulated word I say is a sporangium filled poisonous spores. Maybe that can help you this week.

There should be a candy bar that’s key lime pie

Hearing a ravens caw after dark is some eerie bullshit.

is there anything crueler than the three pulsing dots that precede no actual message

Dear 31,000 people following Microsoft on Bluesky, where do you think it all went wrong for you?

figure skating should have live tigers

I'll never use ai to make art...I'll be using my hands and my imagination and my few remaining brain cells thank you very much

Eating a slice of cake while daydreaming about eating my next slice of cake

I do my best posts when I'm high on life

Currently engaged in heated territorial disagreement with my blankets

play free bird

Just once I'd like to wake up to Kurt Russell pressing a washcloth to my forehead and softly singing songs of the old country

Always a bridesmaid, never a pulsating orb of light

“I’m gonna just change one little thing… FUCK!” *sigh* *repaints background* While I wait for paint to dry I guess I’ll go clean up my stencil.

Always remember what we're fighting for

Bone sore and feeling it more.

I’ll be screaming into the void all night. I already made reservations. Sorry for the inconvenience

[concentration camps for immigrants, people of color, and trans people] AMERICA: [gets out checkbook, licks index finger] would 45 billion dollars be enough? [healthcare for all] AMERICA: excuse me, do you think we’re made of money

I rented a truck in Alabama once. The lady behind the counter said "U-Haul have a nice day!”

I’d touch your curling stone an extra time with my finger, if you know what I mean…

Get up. Got to the kitchen. Grab a spoon. Eat straight from a jar of peanut butter. Mission accomplished.

My mom would have really excelled at curling, except she would have wanted to use a Dustbuster®️ instead of that broom thing.

Don’t. Piss. Off. The. Gays.

Cluster round knaves, for I have bargained a novel fancy and wish to regale you with the passion’s requisite forbidden arts.

I always opt for Supreme at the drive-thru car wash to give her time to complete the handjob

I like to pick up ladies in the Costco health care aisle because, hey, I’m not gonna finish this tub of rash ointment by myself

I think I need a fresh rant to be annoying about. maybe I'll start being really passionate about how terrible balloons are

Once bitten, twice rabies

ROSES ARE RED VIOLENCE IS RED EVERYTHING IS RED AND OH MY GOD IS THAT VISCERA?

if god would just apologize i would consider forgiving her

it’s over 50° and the sun is shining, time to get the hot dogs out of the attic

call me a crazy bitch but i think it’s a good thing that people are outraged over illegal and immoral behavior

I like the description 'glib' because it sounds like what it means.

Being an adult is cool because you’re exhausted all the time but you also get the satisfaction of not really accomplishing anything

As a kid I never imagined I’d be richer than my dad, older than Batman, and smarter than the President.