maintaining a delicate balance between wanting to stay informed and wanting to stay sane

Now that the US govt has shut down, & its military is leaderless in the field, I’m borrowing a boat & heading over to liberate the place. There will be some changes…

The government has shut down. I attempted to pay my taxes using 400 nickels and a horse drawing. The IRS declared it “non-essential” and I retorted, “So am I.” The stalemate continues.

If my cat could say one word in human it would have to be "PARKOUR"

Yes! It's a Norwegian thing. My best friend is from Norway and introduced me to it to have with certain gravy meals. At first, I was not sure about it 😂 but now I am such a fan.

Bug, if true

Our elementary school librarian would give us a penny for dot on a ladybug 🐞

It's always a good day for a Trane ladybug soundtrack 🐞

Got my performance review.

Don’t worry if other people don’t like you. All that matters is that you don’t like you

Really does invoke Bechet. Guy could make a clarinet sound EVIL

Random fact! Each farm has engineered it's own harvesting gadgetry because there isn't a universal doohickey that does the job.

Yeah but soon all the clamshacks will be closed for the winter

All hail Lingonberry as an alternative!

And the threat of global cystitis will have eased for another winter.

my daughter really captured my essence in this portrait of me “at work”

Extraordinary clams require extraordinary fries

folks,,,💅

your film got an 8 minute standing “o” at that film festival bfd i get an 8 minute standing “o” every time i shower it’s called masturbating send post

*slapping the side of my head* This baby can hold SO MUCH anxiety

USB Arthur

I still have carpal tunnel from making too many throat slashing gestures.

Cookie Monster quietly unwrapping a package of cookies during his murder trial

“Good morning,” he said. “Reported for spam,” I retorted.

What qualities do you look for in a dentist? 🔘 many loose teeth—all sorts—all over the place 🔘 lots of objects that don’t seem like they should squirt water, but do 🔘 makes drill noises at random 🔘 hands always just slathered in toothpaste

Want to feel old? I just saw one of the kids from Stranger Things doing a reverse mortgage commercial.

Tell your mom I got new groin deodorant

Slept in the wet spot last night. (Fell asleep eating an ice cream cone)

“HOTTER POCKETS,” I scream as federal agents push me into a black SUV

Watching golf for the double entendres.

If a 5'4" Prince could walk around Minnesota in 1984 covered in purple velvet, you can go to the grocery store without whining about it.

I’d give my left nut to suffer from monorchidism!

Waitress: how do you take your coffee Me, A Bluesky Idiot: with my hand

Installing an electric typewriter & generator on my bicycle so I can write pastoral poetry on the go, up to the very second I crash into the river, or ride into a quarry.

having sex with the wife is kinda like a Tarantino movie, lots of cursing, sometimes violent, good music, occasional n-word for some reason

Laura Loomer should be deported back to her plastic surgeon.

You know who needs to come to his senses? Desperado.

the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization the GOP is an domestic terrorist organization

a secret horse, sneaking into an apple bobbing contest

did you guys know that just 2 marijuana joints can contain more concentrated THC than one

An itch in the ear canal in the 19th century must have maddening. No car keys.

God hunt us all, if we do not hunt Moby Dick to his death!

And Jesus did say unto his disciples, “You need not watcheth Dynasty to haveth an attitude.”

That book is so lousy, but that movie is so cool and right on. Dig man. Dig.

I was at the game at Fenway after ARod was photographed with a prostitute. The blonde wigs on like ten tipsy Masshole dudes in the stands by 3rd base were good for my soul.

Soon all the cranberry bogs will be harvested and the world will once again share in our bounty of bitter, bitter fruit

I'm the one in the friend group always passing out the pills (pepcid)

a zombie apocalypse is just high stakes nes duck hunt

[during sex] wait til my therapist hears about this