Because 15-19 year olds should not be having babies, they should be showing their horses at the fair and learning to make pies and getting their first job. They should be getting a diploma and going to prom. He’s a nasty horrible disgusting fucking beast

not like that

Yah just remember who rules church basements

Hell hath no fury like an old Unitarian lady doing dishes with no fucks left to give.

babe who tf is al dente

The thistle sock hung by the fountain with care In hope the birdies soon would be there

headphones on but nothing playing

Chop wood*, carry water. Maybe some heads later as a treat!

Real revolutionaries stay after the meeting to help with the dishes. Doing dishes is also where you get all the juicy gossip.

Well, um, you go boy!!!

i hope the next big diet fad is putting probiotics in reese’s cups

I am so ready to rise up against the oligarchs but I’ll load the dishwasher for now

Jazzercizing my demons

This weekend, I will be brainstorming the most ridiculous thing to embroider onto a sweatshirt and then do that

The animals are building something vast and mysterious in the deepest part of the forest. Try not to worry about it

If you want my two cents, you can pry them from my cold dead eyes.

"In lieu of pay, teachers, we'll give you the best immune systems in America." - society

Hobbies are awesome. I've started screaming at the sun.

For Whom the Bell Bivs

Judging at the nature talent show

Every day, I am more and more certain that the internet was a fucking mistake.

WIFE: You're very quiet. What are you thinking? ME: They should make a non alcoholic version of Blue Nun wine and call it Blue None. HER: Sometimes it's ok to say 'nothing'

I don't want Scooby Snacks. I do however want what makes you want Scooby Snacks.

well well well, if it isn't me, my biggest distraction

cliff notes for reading the room

We moved a hop, skip, and a jump away from my elderly parents to discourage them from just popping in.

I'll die on this hill, I'll die on that hill, I'll die pretty much wherever

they should create a type of government that benefits citizens

I have an irrational fear of someday having to solve a complicated riddle to save my own life

(Hank Hill voice) That Pikachu sure loves to say Pikachu

Calling the bank teller ageist scum for not offering me a lollipop

Which with craft of old will help my period of porcelain treachery the most. Will it be the boy from the forest or the seashell toting otter?

There's nothing like being at home, in my own bed, and under your mother.

We bought a very sad orange snapdragon from the hardware store about six years ago. Because of the way they flop over and drop seed, he has ended up in a 15+ different pots since then. Fun plants.

Lynyrd Skynyrd was all like “lord knows i can’t change” and then immediately changed tempos

it’s only a splashdown if daryl hannah is mermaiding around the capsule, otherwise it’s an ordinary plop

up and avoid ‘em!

one day we will look back on all of this and realize we were already screaming back then

things are so bad now that the sentence “they need to fucking die already” isn’t just directly about one person anymore

Mom, mom, mom! I'd like a chicken nugget too, pretty please!

god created us in his image, and I think that was the same day he created the perfect pumpkin and the fennec fox AND (because he was on a roll with creating perfect things), he created you as well

Sorry for trailing you while you were sleeping [you look down and see I've sharpied an intricate system of lines all over your body along with a beautiful compass rose for orientation]

The dawn chorus began with a mockingbird singing parodies of other birds’ popular works with lyrics making fun of Gary’s seasonal allergies.

Here comes the sun, do do do dooo. Here comes the sun and I said it's all right

Feels like playing Another One Bites the Dust in a doctor's waiting room is certainly a choice

How many days can I use “I just got my hair done” to avoid going to The Pool? Let’s find out.

This one time, I was driving from an exhausting gig to the exhausting place I was being billeted, and I stopped for a moment beside a small scenic lake to breathe and think. Cops jumped out and demanded to search my car, because it turned out they were expecting a drug deal in that exact spot.

It's taking them a long time to taxi to the gate

while you were watching the space ship i was successfully reentering your mom

God, showing off squirrels: I made them to plant trees then I thought "what else could they do" so I had them yell at people