Just saved this little baby…

You had me at “jabroni”!

Lest you forget, today is Thursday and it's time to vote in the latest Quip of the Week poll ericzorn.substack.com/i/197877173/... Finalists include @stevesuckington.bsky.social @jakevig.bsky.social @viktorwinetrout.bsky.social @madrigal.bsky.social Share widely!

Happy Birthday, ennuidoofen.bsky.social !

Incredible breed. Our sixth. Coco. Rescued at five months. her and three sisters were abandoned near St Augustine.

If one does it would be because I committed arson while the bday cake candles were a diversion 😉

Be like Arlo. Be like Doof. 💜💜💜

Pls enjoy my dog eating a mini donut for the intermission. I'll be back soon!

the face i make when i have a great idea, before i realize the inevitable repercussions

a woman posted a pic in a group chat of a baby turkey she bought thinking it was a chicken. She captioned the pic "IS THIS A TURKEY?!?" Anyway, I haven't been here because I've been yelling IS THIS A TURKEY at everything. You should try it

I typed castle and my phone changed it to casshole, so get your 2026 update if you haven't yet

i watched a giraffe get adjusted by a chiropractor ten times today. how are YOU coping?

what the world needs now is to watch the astronauts eat spaghetti

if you don't feel funny, go watch a bug for a little while and think about how you act

Imagine killing the entire planet to make AI slop.

before data centers, I hated golf courses the most

🚨 BREAKING: Everything.

might fuck around and let the old ways wither and die

is it a tomato, it’s a tomato isn’t it

Gonna call everyone Chief until I get punched in the face oh wow that didn’t take long at all.

my last words will probably be “who’s a good boy?!” right before being shot by one of those robot dogs

the sexual tension between me and the send reply button

oh no i wasted my youth

pushing all sorrow into the furthest corners of my mind in an act of self soothing deceit

found my next D&D character name

You hear the footsteps on the stairs. A voice in your head, not yours, warmer and friendlier and louder screams out over and over. The Puppeteer. The Puppeteer. The Puppeteer. It's time to light the lights.

You're driving on an empty road when you hit it. It doesn't move. Jesus Christ. Nobody saw. You compose yourself. It's just a Muppet. Nobody saw. You get home. Go to bed. Your sleep is restless. When you wake you're warm. Itchy. Your skin feels... dry? Like felt. It's time to play the music

blanket fort insurance "sheet happens. we've got you covered."

The wolves inside you are asking why everything has to be a joke all the time

prosciutto all over your face and sing to me if you want to unlock the next level

What I lack in mental health I make up for in snack pouches

ah yes, this matcha tea is quite delightful, but you still haven’t told me what i’m supposed to do with all this dread.

Yuko got a hat and she doesn't want me to take it off

me: hi, i wonder why lawyers don’t call their apartments ‘legal pads’ my gynecologist: what

If I don’t cry in the waiting room today my therapist promised to do a face reveal

*wears a t-shirt with a pickup truck on it for memorial day*

*talking to myself* we're all pretty fed up with your shit, man

having a hard time not being wealthy

hey are we still pretending anything here is being seen by anyone other than us

Just remember, you can't be burnt out if you're not on fire.

Giving my elbows a little bit of moisturiser today cos it's their birthday too

but what if watching the clock is my way of having fun, how will the time fly then

looking for moral clarity inside this bag of donuts

I don’t use Google. I text my friend Randall who used to be a dental assistant

wanna see one of those humanoid bots run full speed through a tv

To celebrate 50K followers, I am going to release a hostage

I’m adjusting my diet from good, healthy stuff (expensive, predictable) to unhealthy bits of filth & detritus that I find in the street (cheap, adventuresome).

Billionaire's college commencement speech devolves into "good luck bitches" and maniacal laughter while he disappears into a cloud of smoke.

These paper towels aren't more absorbent. They can't even pick up a wet baby.

divorced millennials will always be tied to their ex bc they can’t afford to break the shared phone plan and streaming subscriptions