WHAT: Balenciaga (spring 2026) OCCASIONS: fainting or smiling at a ball in a way that produces, first, mass enchantment, then bedazzlement, &, finally, weeks later, madness IF IT WERE A SCENT: empty veranda at night EMOTIONAL RANGE: bemused/expedient #MJMfashionGuide

WHAT: Yohji Yamamoto (spring 2026) OCCASIONS: slowly placing your cup of tea, with both hands, on a lacquered table & saying, “Let us now rock,” or sketching a mountain stream by a mountain stream IF IT WERE A SCENT: cooling charcoal briquette EMOTIONAL RANGE: thoughtful/deft #MJMfashionGuide

Sorry my place is such a mess

If you start with cheers it will lead to ciao & none of us can handle that so let’s stick with goodbye.

WHAT: Alaïa (spring 2026) OCCASIONS: walking through the ruins of a Celtic castle or hissing the moment your colleague says, “data,” in a meeting IF IT WERE A SCENT: love letters in a metal safety deposit box EMOTIONAL RANGE: stony/steely #MJMfashionGuide

WHAT: Givenchy (spring 2026) OCCASIONS: arranging calla lilies or post-will-reading soirée where you have been announced as the Duchess of Devonshire in your own right (& your male cousins clump together furiously) IF IT WERE A SCENT: carriage interior EMOTIONAL RANGE: 🎀 /🔪 #MJMfashionGuide

When I’m at home I’ve been making an omelette for lunch which is so chic but the trade off is I’m SUCH a little bitch when I’m whisking the eggs.

On my deathbed, my last words will be a whispered, enigmatic, "Garlic-infused ink."

⬅️ horny for fall festivals

WHAT: Loewe (spring 2026) OCCASIONS: drinking Tinto de Verano or mistaken identity in Madrid! & suddenly you & your drag queen bestie are suspects in the theft of a Picasso. ¡Dios mío! IF IT WERE A SCENT: sunshine POURING through an airplane window EMOTIONAL RANGE: caliente/fun #MJMfashionGuide

LESBIAN BESTIE: How a— MJM: Mad about the Versace show still. How are you?

WHAT: Rick (should be Ric) Owens (spring 2026) OCCASIONS: appearing as a spectre in a Victorian night terror or drinkies with the girlies (where you poison them) IF IT WERE A SCENT: Rodin sculpture (Burghers of Calais?) covered in snow EMOTIONAL RANGE: ennui/ENNUI #MJMfashionGuide

I’ve perfected my dead eyes…. I just feel like that might come in handy.

Today’s fashion tip is to un-earnest your outrage. #MJMfashionGuide

WHAT: Tom Ford (spring 2026) OCCASIONS: post-sex gelato run or stopping a dinner party cold by saying, “I wish I was in a one person pod hurtling through the starry & black expanses of deepest space” IF IT WERE A SCENT: huge bowl of pit fruit EMOTIONAL RANGE: nimble/diabolical #MJMfashionGuide

Thank you, Jane Goodall, for showing us a way.

WHAT: Dior (spring 2026) OCCASIONS: controversial George Eliot research in special collections or reluctantly attending the opening of an architecturally significant airport terminal IF IT WERE A SCENT: leather book spine! EMOTIONAL RANGE: um, reluctant/subversive #MJMfashionGuide

Me to email

I’m not saying it would fix everything, but have we considered a nationwide dance craze

WHAT: Courrèges (spring 2026) OCCASIONS: reading apocalyptic fiction or walking with & at the same pace as a Persian cat in a vast glass & marble lobby of a Modernist government building in Brasília IF IT WERE A SCENT: motorcycle in a hot garage EMOTIONAL RANGE: brisk/slinky #MJMfashionGuide

No, I'm not a super freak. I jump naked into my freaky pants one leg at a time, just like you do

WHAT: Dries van Noten (spring 2026) OCCASIONS: attending your worst cousin’s traditional Texas wedding or building a cult whose god is called “THE SHAPE.” IF IT WERE A SCENT: locket thrown into a mossy pond EMOTIONAL RANGE: hypnotic/bacchanalian #MJMfashionGuide

WHAT: Louis Vuitton (spring 2026) OCCASIONS: hanging laundry or when you’ve retired from being a full-time wood nymph/fairy but are still willing to consult on behalf of the n/f community IF IT WERE A SCENT: Edwardian china cabinet (int.) EMOTIONAL RANGE: charming/brazen #MJMfashionGuide

I, too, am not an actual fan spinning on the ceiling.

WHAT: Saint Laurent (spring 2026) OCCASIONS: Venetian canals at night or costumes for production of Norma so searing that they find a Vanderbilt opera-goer hiding under her seat, weeping IF IT WERE A SCENT: sulfurous fireworks on a lakeside veranda EMOTIONAL RANGE: cunning/wild #MJMfashionGuide

Years ago I went to Fallingwater and got on their email list. Just now I finally unsubscribed, but when prompted for a reason, I accidentally clicked the option to report the emails as abuse, which I think makes me a top villain against the most charming place in the country?

Café. The Eternally Sweet Barista Veering away from His Preppy Origins has had enough. He walks over to the table where a chaotic knitter is holding a tiny dog that keeps yapping & says, sotto voce, “Ma’am, please. None of this can be happening. The dog, the yarn, the barking. Nothing. Please.”

America's doing what? The America? From Fievel? Well that doesn't sound right.

I discovered this string of buttons sitting on a park bench & I’m convinced it’s an encrypted message to me from Miuccia Prada.

On the way to a café, some guy in a pale blue polo with floppy hair looked like he needed directions so I took out my earphones & was like, “What’s up?,” & he said, “I’m Zach & I’m here to talk about Jesus,” & without thinking I said, “Ew, why?”

Hi. No one told me this vintage Poison ad existed & I would like to know why. Do I mean nothing to you?

WHAT: Bottega Veneta (spring 2026) OCCASIONS: not accepting an apology or walking through a largely unpopulated series of ancient wooden temples & pondering infinity in early morning in Kyoto IF IT WERE A SCENT: incense (duh) EMOTIONAL RANGE: tranquil/afire #MJMfashionGuide

To the Versace model who had to wear these terrible pants that didn’t fit: I am sorry this happened to you.

Dinner party. The hostess is sitting at the table but somehow refuses to pick up her fork to start the meal & guess how long I can patiently wait here without eating? F O R E V E R, B I T C H E S

Saw my first labubu in the world. I thought they were just an online bit, but no. It was like seeing a rodeo clown shopping for cigarettes at a CVS.

My teen niece is studying abroad & I found her pup in her room pouting in a prism rainbow.

Today’s fashion tip is to take the already emphasized second syllable of “together” & emphasize it even more. Now no one can touch you. #MJMfashionGuide

When I get too full of myself I remember that I once walked through the streets of Paris with a cute, glossy, hard-sided, navy, rolling suitcase that had a jock strap hanging out of it.

where have all the button judges gone

[Mexican restaurant] SERVER: Your quesadillas, Sir. DAD (excited to say the one Spanish word he knows): Gracias! SERVER: De nada. ¿Puedo ofrecerte algo más? DAD: 👀

WHAT: Prada (spring 2026) OCCASIONS: Mitzi & her mechanic Marianne attend a Miró show in Montreux in 1963 or tuning a harp IF IT WERE A SCENT: lingering hairspray over a mirrored vanity EMOTIONAL RANGE: swish/workaday #MJMfashionGuide

the one thing I do like abt cooler/colder weather coming on is that I get to just dress like an actual catburglar every day of my life until at least March

Last night at the new gelato place it was mostly empty besides a small group with a little blonde boy who cried loudly for a long 30 seconds. And I was like, "You just got gelato you didn't have to pay for, bitch!" Then THEY MOVED CLOSER TO ME and I gave the dad a warning look and he registered it

For all of our sakes, I’m rationing things you can be upset about.

If someone says they study Drama of any kind the only polite response is, “How DARE you.”

WHAT: Jil Sander (spring 2026) OCCASIONS: bonsai tree pruning or telling your lover, at a fjord edge, “We shall now pursue different paths. Haunted by one another but looking at different horizons.” IF IT WERE A SCENT: sliced blueberry in an operating room EMOTIONAL RANGE: N/A #MJMfashionGuide

a hamburger bun for the rest of us

The rapture can wait until after Matthieu Blazy’s début at Chanel.

Getting through these troubled times by referring to any and all animals as "colleagues".