Are we sure he didn't say, "We're going to RUIN the country?" Oh, wait, no, that's OUR country.

What a time to wish it were a different time to be alive.

But exercising today would be such a cliche.

Oooh, I hope the new year is 2029!

[lights 2025 calendar on fire] There. Now you can't hurt anyone any longer. [wind blows calendar onto my coat; I'm immediately engulfed in flames]

Remember to complete all your yearly giving in the next couple of days (by liking and reposting all my stuff).

If at any point 2026 says, “hold my beer,” DO NOT DO IT.

I just did a jigsaw puzzle on a coffee table, which means I sat on the floor, which means I eventually had to try to get up, which means I'm still on the floor. This is where I live now. #fifty-two

I just found out that my Great Grandfather has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and that it’s right next to Chris Farley’s. Happy Christmas!

I’ve never seen Squid Game, but I imagine it as a less intense version of this Whole Foods right now.

Oh, you know, just hanging out at my neighborhood middle school's dismissal with a whistle around my neck, because ICE is back and the country is being run by deranged fascists. There's a helicopter in the sky. It's Wednesday.

In which the horrible James Woods slams the people mocking Rob Reiner’s murder, because Rob Reiner, according to Woods, saved his career. “It’s important when it affects me,” continues to be the Far Right’s douchebag rallying cry.

(leaps out of Grape Nuts vat) Happy Fiber Monday! What?

Wanna feel good for a minute? I am sitting in some of the worst traffic I can remember, and every single vehicle is heading to the same place: to drop items off at our community’s food drive. Hundreds of cars, bumper to bumper; people waving, smiling, crying.

Helicopters in the sky; all of our neighborhood schools on lockdown; community members texting, posting, taking to the streets to help. Welcome to ICE America.

Surprised to learn that my Halloween costume, Sexy Nuclear Test, is wildly topical.

The online advertising algorithms are frighteningly smart - right up until you make a purchase. It’s like, “Look, I bought the tambourine. I’m the last person on earth who needs to keep seeing tambourine ads. Get your shit together.”

The two scariest episodes of The Twilight Zone are the one with the monster on the airplane wing and the one where I start agreeing with Marjorie Taylor Greene.

The most dangerous part of Chicago is the Executive Branch of the US Government.

Just played “twat” in a Scrabble game against my mother, so now I’m going to have to fake my own death.

Getting through these troubled times by referring to any and all animals as "colleagues".

Tylenol: "Keep our medicine's name out of your damned mouth!" Trump: "Ack-ed-o-moph-ac-eeed-what?" Tylenol: "LOL never mind."

*my funeral son: I guess we're going to need our own phone plan

My father was an infectious disease physician, an educator, and a lover of science and medicine. I miss him every day, but I’m glad he doesn’t have to watch what this administration is doing. It would absolutely devastate him.

Perhaps in the spirit of renewal that comes with the new year tonight I'm allowing myself a sliver of belief that the current regime is badly overplaying its hand.

Caving truth to power.

I want everyone, even those who I despise, to have healthcare. I want everyone, even republicans, to be able to afford food and housing. I want everyone, even those on the right who actively work to build the opposite, to live in a place that is safe from violence.

The only time I want to hear a President say, "Here we go!" is when Barack Obama and I are riding Space Mountain together and approaching the first hill.

The journey from "Covid vaccination required" to "Ha, good luck getting one" is heartbreaking.

Me (squinting into the distance): “Oh, fuck. Monday.”

Like I needed another reason to never go to Florida.

I want to be just famous enough so that the camera focuses on me in the stands at the US Open, but the commentators say, “Who the fuck is that?”

Hard to believe the Republican party used to fight for smaller government.

Hey, there. Quick reminder that our country's leadership DOES NOT WANT US TO BE HEALTHY. As you were.

Finally, this country gets a Royal Wedding.

Trump signed an executive order today aimed at prosecuting people who "desecrate" the American flag, but if you look closely under his signature, it says, "p.s. Unless you are beating a police officer with it at the Capitol. That's obvs ok and the kind of free speech we need more of. Covfefe!"

WIFE: The new neighbors were kind enough to invite us to dinner. Please try to be normal. ME: of course. [later] ME (using a fork to put a layer of butter between two potato chips): You know, buildings are really insects — their skeletons are on the outside to protect the teeming life within

In an attic somewhere, there's a painting of trump that's getting more and more competent

Make a band food: The Rolling Scones

Sat through an hour of the Stranger Things stage play before realizing it was a GOP Town Hall.

"Your current password, 'fucknewpasswords,' has expired. Please choose a new one." #haiku

Before social media and smartphones, wishing someone a happy birthday from the toilet was surprisingly rare.

Can anyone live in the sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

Make art, make words, make anything for the sake of creativity. Make people laugh, make people think, make people uncomfortable. Make what you can with what you have. Make anything other than money. And never, ever outsource your creativity to a machine.

Nostalgic for simpler times, like when we took to the streets because Apple forced us all to get that terrible U2 album.

Me showing up to your party.