[Morgan Freeman voiceover]: "But the Union was not strong."

You: “Are you going to watch the State of—“‬ Me: *blows air horn*‬ You: “Um. The State of the—“‬ Me: *blows air horn*‬ You: “Ok, seriously, tho—“‬ Me: *blows air horn*‬

Me, not a hockey fan, tuning into the third period of the USA/Canada final: “I am a fucking hockey expert now.”

Our state-of-the-art Olympic drones put you in the middle of the action, capturing every athletic move in 4K resolution, with smart smoothing, auto tracking, dynamic zoom, AI-powered control, and WE CANNOT MAKE THEM ANY QUIETER THEY SOUND LIKE A SWARM OF BEES.

Punxsutawney Phil came outside this morning and burst into flames, signaling that the State of the Union Address is nigh.

We are at an airport restaurant. A robot just drove up to us with our food, said, "Hi! Here I am!" and then drove away with our food.

I would absolutely take gold in Men's Uphill Clutching the Ski Lift and Screaming.

It’s time to enter my final and greatest era: telling people to keep their shirt on

Me: Is this really necessary? Divorce Court Judge: I’d like to see it *bailiff plays video of me doing the robot*

I like to watch an Olympic event for a good five or six minutes before thinking of myself as an expert analyst.

Ilia Malinin at 21: performs multiple extraordinarily difficult ice skating jumps, earning the nickname “Quad God.” Me at 21: performs multiple mime routines at a frat party, earning the nickname “God, STOP.”

I can still remember a time when the primary reason to hate Kid Rock was his music.

Hanging a lot of my emotional stability on a fucking groundhog.

*slides Punxsutawney Phil $20* You realize what’s at stake, right?

*sends White House "Worst Government Ever" mug*

[video of me on my couch in a hoodie] “Day 1 of me counting.”

You too can watch the United States’ invasion of the United States on live television.

terrifying if literal: my feet are killing me

Each morning I reach into the fridge for the milk for my coffee, I first reach in further and run a finger delicately along the gold wrapping on the lid of the bottle of champagne holding court in the back, biding its time for the inevitable day, THE day, and I whisper, “soon, my darling. Soon.”

Too bad a carafe isn't what it sounds like (a car-shaped giraffe).

There's still time to stop trying to make robots that can run and jump.

Why, yes, this IS an A-Team thermos filled with Macallan 18 Sherry Oak Single Malt Scotch.

What a time to wish it were a different time to be alive.

But exercising today would be such a cliche.

Oooh, I hope the new year is 2029!

[lights 2025 calendar on fire] There. Now you can't hurt anyone any longer. [wind blows calendar onto my coat; I'm immediately engulfed in flames]

Remember to complete all your yearly giving in the next couple of days (by liking and reposting all my stuff).

If at any point 2026 says, “hold my beer,” DO NOT DO IT.

I just did a jigsaw puzzle on a coffee table, which means I sat on the floor, which means I eventually had to try to get up, which means I'm still on the floor. This is where I live now. #fifty-two

I just found out that my Great Grandfather has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and that it’s right next to Chris Farley’s. Happy Christmas!

I’ve never seen Squid Game, but I imagine it as a less intense version of this Whole Foods right now.

Oh, you know, just hanging out at my neighborhood middle school's dismissal with a whistle around my neck, because ICE is back and the country is being run by deranged fascists. There's a helicopter in the sky. It's Wednesday.

In which the horrible James Woods slams the people mocking Rob Reiner’s murder, because Rob Reiner, according to Woods, saved his career. “It’s important when it affects me,” continues to be the Far Right’s douchebag rallying cry.

(leaps out of Grape Nuts vat) Happy Fiber Monday! What?

Wanna feel good for a minute? I am sitting in some of the worst traffic I can remember, and every single vehicle is heading to the same place: to drop items off at our community’s food drive. Hundreds of cars, bumper to bumper; people waving, smiling, crying.

Helicopters in the sky; all of our neighborhood schools on lockdown; community members texting, posting, taking to the streets to help. Welcome to ICE America.

Surprised to learn that my Halloween costume, Sexy Nuclear Test, is wildly topical.

The online advertising algorithms are frighteningly smart - right up until you make a purchase. It’s like, “Look, I bought the tambourine. I’m the last person on earth who needs to keep seeing tambourine ads. Get your shit together.”

The two scariest episodes of The Twilight Zone are the one with the monster on the airplane wing and the one where I start agreeing with Marjorie Taylor Greene.

The most dangerous part of Chicago is the Executive Branch of the US Government.

Just played “twat” in a Scrabble game against my mother, so now I’m going to have to fake my own death.

Getting through these troubled times by referring to any and all animals as "colleagues".

Tylenol: "Keep our medicine's name out of your damned mouth!" Trump: "Ack-ed-o-moph-ac-eeed-what?" Tylenol: "LOL never mind."

*my funeral son: I guess we're going to need our own phone plan

My father was an infectious disease physician, an educator, and a lover of science and medicine. I miss him every day, but I’m glad he doesn’t have to watch what this administration is doing. It would absolutely devastate him.

Perhaps in the spirit of renewal that comes with the new year tonight I'm allowing myself a sliver of belief that the current regime is badly overplaying its hand.

Caving truth to power.

I want everyone, even those who I despise, to have healthcare. I want everyone, even republicans, to be able to afford food and housing. I want everyone, even those on the right who actively work to build the opposite, to live in a place that is safe from violence.

The only time I want to hear a President say, "Here we go!" is when Barack Obama and I are riding Space Mountain together and approaching the first hill.