Just played “twat” in a Scrabble game against my mother, so now I’m going to have to fake my own death.

It’s that time of year, when my sense of dread turns to pumpkin spice scents of dread.

Getting through these troubled times by referring to any and all animals as "colleagues".

Tylenol: "Keep our medicine's name out of your damned mouth!" Trump: "Ack-ed-o-moph-ac-eeed-what?" Tylenol: "LOL never mind."

*my funeral son: I guess we're going to need our own phone plan

My father was an infectious disease physician, an educator, and a lover of science and medicine. I miss him every day, but I’m glad he doesn’t have to watch what this administration is doing. It would absolutely devastate him.

Perhaps in the spirit of renewal that comes with the new year tonight I'm allowing myself a sliver of belief that the current regime is badly overplaying its hand.

Caving truth to power.

I want everyone, even those who I despise, to have healthcare. I want everyone, even republicans, to be able to afford food and housing. I want everyone, even those on the right who actively work to build the opposite, to live in a place that is safe from violence.

The only time I want to hear a President say, "Here we go!" is when Barack Obama and I are riding Space Mountain together and approaching the first hill.

The journey from "Covid vaccination required" to "Ha, good luck getting one" is heartbreaking.

Me (squinting into the distance): “Oh, fuck. Monday.”

Like I needed another reason to never go to Florida.

I want to be just famous enough so that the camera focuses on me in the stands at the US Open, but the commentators say, “Who the fuck is that?”

Hard to believe the Republican party used to fight for smaller government.

Hey, there. Quick reminder that our country's leadership DOES NOT WANT US TO BE HEALTHY. As you were.

Finally, this country gets a Royal Wedding.

Trump signed an executive order today aimed at prosecuting people who "desecrate" the American flag, but if you look closely under his signature, it says, "p.s. Unless you are beating a police officer with it at the Capitol. That's obvs ok and the kind of free speech we need more of. Covfefe!"

WIFE: The new neighbors were kind enough to invite us to dinner. Please try to be normal. ME: of course. [later] ME (using a fork to put a layer of butter between two potato chips): You know, buildings are really insects — their skeletons are on the outside to protect the teeming life within

In an attic somewhere, there's a painting of trump that's getting more and more competent

Make a band food: The Rolling Scones

Sat through an hour of the Stranger Things stage play before realizing it was a GOP Town Hall.

"Your current password, 'fucknewpasswords,' has expired. Please choose a new one." #haiku

Before social media and smartphones, wishing someone a happy birthday from the toilet was surprisingly rare.

Can anyone live in the sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

Make art, make words, make anything for the sake of creativity. Make people laugh, make people think, make people uncomfortable. Make what you can with what you have. Make anything other than money. And never, ever outsource your creativity to a machine.

Nostalgic for simpler times, like when we took to the streets because Apple forced us all to get that terrible U2 album.

Me showing up to your party.

Audibly sighing is the song of the summer.

The you that has to carefully navigate the dark stairs in a sleeping house because an unsettling dream about a raccoon wearing a tuxedo to a garage sale forced you awake at 4am is the real you.

It sucks having supervillain ambitions with henchman resources.

was putting a toddler (not mine) to bed last night and reading a story and she, apparently too tired for my nonsense, announced "no voices tonight. just straight" like she was a burdened drinker putting in her order at the bar

I name all the invasive species plants in the yard after Republican politicians

Welcome to your early 50s. We will now spend social gatherings discussing ailments.

Union Station, Chicago.

(to the vultures circling above) don't forget to like and subscribe

Trump firing the head of labor statistics because of a weak jobs report is a good reminder that JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

New word: exhaustsad.

Somehow I always thought that being on the right side of history would probably feel better than this.

It’s almost August, and I’m still writing “what the fuck?” on all of my checks.

I thought Superman was kind of stupid, but I LOVED the Milk Duds I finished before the fourth preview ended.

“They say pets look like their owners.” —me, explaining why I’m scared to get a pet

I’m not gonna tell you where we’re going just get into the handbasket OK

Had a good hair day and FaceID didn’t recognize me.

The Chicago River and the gathering storm.

Really jarring to see people that happy at a Coldplay concert.

A woke Superman? What’s next, moving out of my parents’ basement?