When I really miss my mother, I get down on the floor with the dog and have a good cry. I think she would understand. I know the dog does.

experiencing a slutmergency... my costume isn't even out for delivery yet

Nothing like a steady 36 hour rain to make sure you gotta cut the fucking grass at least one more time.

few things beat that feeling at the start of the weekend where the possibilities are endless you can do or be absolutely anything even a giant fecking sloth on the couch with your pet for two days

You smell like a decaying corpse..flirting

I didnt talk to anyone today. It was awesome.

The devil plays tic tac toe with your hashtags.

I sincerely hope you put flaming bags of dog shit on as many welcome mats as possible last night this could’ve been nana’s last Halloween you know

Well now look who brought a dislike button to a block fight

Sanity? That is something what still exists???

They die as they live, as we all will as well.

Need an underwire for my lower chin

Shhhh...I'm pretending to be asleep.

coping is not a skill i am currently possessing

Dressing up as an ungiven fuck.

I just would like a long warm embrace, if it happens to be "of death" that would be fine too

Me, getting kidnapped: I could eat.

the spider with the human arm tattoo

But what will we tell the demons who fell in love in the heat of our embrace?

Mood stabilizers? Hoe about life stabilizers?

The biggest problem we have as a society is that “colonel” is spelled like that and no one’s doing a damn thing about it.

this email could have been a signal chat

Up on the furniture, the cat walks in front of the TV screen like she's an interactive audience participant at Rocky Horror Picture Show in a movie theater at midnight.

The biggest perves are the poetry accounts followed closely by the artists.

When you have a beautifuI heart & pure intentions, you don't Iose anyone - they Iose you.

still waiting for the big bad wolf

My phone just changed the word ‘face’ to the word ‘car.’ I hate the new auto correct on this thing

I shower daily, rinse well, take care to make sure my hygiene is good throughout the day etc… So why after my shower just now is my asshole like mad fuckin itchy?

It’s been a few difficult decades working as a Hold-It-Togetherer, but I’ve really found a new, wild freedom accepting a job as the Fall-Aparterer.

Hit and runs are okay on Halloween right?

In cringe we trust.

You know how the music fades to silence at the end of some songs? I wish I could end boring conversations that same way.

This movie is fucking wild.

When I get a crush on Mastodon its all over for you.

Me: Would you like my seat, madam?" Her: No, thank you. I don't take chair-ity.

Going to have someone follow me around playing the bagpipes so I seem important.

I heard, "if you want it sugar coated, go to a bakery" thanks, i'll take a dozen glazed and let's cleanse this world with fire

One scoop of mashed potatoes per person and DON'T WALK ON THE GRASS

Please only take one!

it’s Halloween, so imma channel my inner artist *draws blinds*

Thank you so much for your internet opinion

ME [bagpipes]: I think I’m dying DOCTOR [slide whistle]: we all are

I put the id in midposting

Stop texting me, Popeye's! (No, don't)

(•_•)   They did the Monster Mash <)   )> /    \ \(•_•)  The Monster Mash (   (> /    \ (•_•)/  It was a graveyard smash <)   ) /    \ (•_•)  They did the Mash <(   (>   /    \ (•_•) √( (> It caught on in a flash / \

Like seriously, everything would be fine if everyone would just drive exactly like I do.

Class up your kegger by calling it a soirée.

It's a GIVE ME ALL THOSE EMPTY CALORIES sort of day. You get it.