selling my cemetery plot, i'm just not getting as much use out of it these days as i expected

if you saw what i did there, no you didn't

*seductively recedes into the nothingness

Women love it when you compliment their mind. For example, “hey baby! I bet that pre frontal cortex looks banging in jeans!”

Not everybody was kung fu fighting. I saw a little thumb wrestling, too.

im going to need to listen to some music about this

*deletes YOUR post

your crush wants you to drink water

I think what we really need around here is another wave of murder clowns

the biggest “wait what” I’ve ever exclaimed

he died doing what he loved… teaching bears to high five

take some vitamin D you sun deficient piece of shit

wind howling instant flashy momentary mist dewey blue glimmer #DailyHaikuPrompt #micropoetry #haiku

Has anyone called Bovino a Nazi leprechaun yet?

I really wish SCTV was streaming 😔

So it now appears the safest place to be is in the epstein files and at a screening of melania

People don’t show up with boomboxes like they used to.

I know that secret third thing and Im not sharing it.

Think it’s time to buy that private island for just me & my cats. Maybe a couple of you guys.

Nobody is as good as me at ignoring a phone when it rings.

We should have a minor inconvenience rewards card.

Telling me who’s gonna be there isn’t gonna make me wanna go more…

carbs are like that naughty friend who calls after you’ve gotten your life together

You: [checks driveway] You: [locks doors] You: [checks house to make sure you're alone] You: [opens a bottle of wine] Me: [rolls out from under couch] WHAT WE CLASSY MUTHAFUCKAS CELEBRATIN’

Idk man, blissful ignorance seems kinda cool

whatever you do don’t ask their age

I hate fighting my kids for the leftover pizza. I mean I always win, but it’s not a great look for a dad and last time it nearly got me barred from the local Pizza Hut.

I have a feeling that just because the calendar says February has fewer days that it's not going to feel like it does.

luigi mangione: *brings a pizza cutter to a knife fight* the other prisoners: what

Gonna ask my neighbor if I can borrow his compass to scratch ritualistic marks on the oak lintel of my hearth in a desperate attempt to ward off all manner of evil and also maybe his snowblower

Yes, of course you're the elephant in the room. Stay away from the buffet

him: wanna do something kinky? me: yeah, tie me up and feed me taffy so I can’t pick it out of my teeth him: me: you can have some too

idk, maybe the person you think about before you go to bed and when you wake up means more than you think

“Mortal Kombat” except it’s Jackie O crawling out of her grave to beat M’s ass (and restore the Rose Garden)

Every Shitpost Everywhere All At Once

*putting out a bowl of license plates for the great white I’m sharksitting*

Still shook me all night long AC/DC, please advise

I’ve been hallucinating spiders on me again, but I only do the drugs that I’m supposed to

sometimes when a person asks me why I’m single all I hear is “why don’t you want to be a full grown man’s unpaid nurse therapist receptionist cook manager…”

a factoid is simply the offspring of a fact and a meteoroid

This week calls for a tumbler full of whiskey.

i went outside yesterday you can’t make me do it again today my nipples are still frozen

An overnight vehicle inspection service called Nocturnal Emissions.

[getting completely dominated in a street fight] ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

Not to brag, but my coworker told me that I remind him of somebody in a headache commercial.

Big fan of both chittering and squelching thanks to subtitles.

thank god this year is almost over

Love hasn't died when you can't bear to look at someone's picture anymore; it's dead when you can.

Me: Sometimes I'll call my calf muscles my mooscles lol Personal trainer: *crying* I will literally pay you to find somebody else to do this

when it occurs to you that literally nothing is less “profitable” than a public library, and yet very little is more valuable