may I borrow a *cup of sugar* *soul vibrating orgasm*

horny posting, just in time for the weekend

Are there any metrics on how long to wait between bangers? I need every advantage I can get.

I got called a bitch today...humble brag.

Day 9 of posting animals from my camera roll with powerful auras

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a 1950s husband, begging to be lobotomized.

High 5 to the goodest girl!

If the rhythm isnt going to get you the depression will.

You go through the car wash. Those giant brushes slap your vehicle like they're punishing it. I sat there and thought, "Yeah. Same. Same."

I’m a bitchalante. I’m only mean to people who deserve it

Wife is out of town for the night so I told the kids that if they need to wake me, they'll have to hit me in the face with a frying pan.

I've been paying attention to your lack of attention and now I’m fucking broke

It’s like the more times I press suggest less of this the more blue hearts I have to defeat

If you put a fig leaf to your ear you can hear Adam and Eve’s privates.

Anyone else have a favorite stain on their wall or is it just me?

it was white and gold and you fckn know it

Babe, wake up, we got sinning to do

Me every time I meet someone with my extremely common last name: I bet we’re related, I’m drafting our family holiday card already.

fuck you Frank, this is a Cholula household

What’s wrong babe you’ve barely kissed my ass

me: sometimes i wear my reading glasses when im watching tv & my tv-watching glasses when im reading & my sunglasses when im inside & my inside glasses when im outside & my upstairs glasses when im downstairs & my d- my gyn: what

I don’t think it will all fit in there.

ever buy a belt at a thrift store and wonder how many people were strangled w it?

Security: “If you see something, say something.” Children under 8: Way ahead of you

I expected supervillains to be smarter.

26 cavities later I’m starting to suspect that Dr. Pepper may only have had a PhD

I guess I’m not one of those accounts that has a “thing.” I tried. I just wanted to be goofy and say stupid things or make you laugh by being absurd. I wasn’t expecting any of this. I spout about where I’m at. If you see what I’m seeing, you understand.

What was initially ruled an innocent and loving hickey procedure has turned this small town into piano wire transfer zero

[through clenched teeth] i love feedback

I’ll interpretative dance my way out of an awkward situation, and then never answer any of your calls going forward.

The Oxford comma is the very best and worst of us as a species.

I said what I said - me, forgetting what I said

Nice pic...you're not foreign to nail files in your baked goods, are you?

I remember about 20 years ago, talking on the phone with my best friend for hours about nothing.... that sounds like a for real nightmare now.

Okay this shitshow ain't gonna fuckstart itself

meandering flow living organisms thrive shifting sands filter #haiku #micropoetry #WorldWaterDay

@shitpostsintiaras.bsky.social ~ snacksky is awake

Who is up for a game of strip tiddlywinks?

First person who considered eating ass must've been snacking on a brussels sprout.

Two Girls One Repost but very rarely, they're both stingy for some reason

There’s not nearly enough love songs about sexy blondes

Funny how you think there's a method to my madness.

Finding reasons to smile

I don’t care about winning or having things or being right. I just want people to be decent, and careful with hearts and lives

This email could have been an entry in my diary back in 1985.

girl you wanna talk shit then meet me by the catnip bush after my nap

It should be illegal to wear pants on the weekend.

Nurturing my cognitive decline on the internet

Letting things roll off of you is a skill. Especially, spaghetti.