Maybe we should give strange women lying in ponds distributing swords a go as a system of government. How bad could it be, honestly

The universe gave me a high libido and then made compatibility rarer than a decent parking spot at Costco.

June is almost over and I'm not done complaining about men and how gay I wanna be

Gonna put a post in my drafts for 4 years from now. Let's see if I make it here that long.

i promise i keep trying to write jokes it’s just i’ve been happy for four days in a row

When I switched email providers, a few people asked, “what if someone needs to get in touch with you and they only have your old email?” My brother in Christ if an email account I created 20 years ago is your only method of reaching me I promise you it is because I never want to hear from you again

I don't care for a flaccid grape.

i bet a pufferfish could take a pretty big bong rip

Unfortunately this is my face whenever a man is nice to me

I heard if I get a PhD, they’ll give me a sword, and I can’t think of a better way to communicate that I’m smart and lethal.

Seems like yesterday I’d sleep so late on Sundays I’d miss the first half of afternoon football games now here I am at 8 am on the patio squealing well looky here it’s a tufted titmouse

Why do they say your foot is falling asleep when coma toes is sitting right there?

Does that chip on your shoulder come with guac?

sometimes I see people doing shit wrong. and then I move on and don't say a word cause I know they'll eventually figure it out. like I did

It was funny, but in a public television kind of way

In the time of cheddar cheese I was havarti

Avoiding getting thrown under the bus by never getting up

life, liberty and the pursuit of somebody to have sex with

"I don't know what's happening here" Me, while: -watching sports -parallel parking -trying something new in bed

I bet bed and breakfast joints that are way out in the quiet middle of nowhere could completely clean up over the July 4th holiday by catering to those of us who don’t care for the flash boom bang festivities. Even more so if they’re pet friendly.

My skeets are desperate attempts to make sense of a simple senselessnes turned madness, written with care, marinated with doubt and imposter syndrome, but shared as if part of a Burtonesque Thanksgiving feast starring and scored by Danny Elfman.

“Reflecting Pool Vandal” would be a great band name

“You won’t believe how much asparagus I just ate!” I sexted

While in the military, T-Rex specialized in small arms fire.

This day in history. 2014. Asteroid Day was organized to promote efforts to protect the Earth from cataclysmic impacts. Founders Stephen Hawking, Danica Remy, Rusty Skweickart, Grigorij Richters, and Brian May had all had the same dream about the giant head of Freddie Mercury hurtling toward Luton.

boss: is that a flask? me: I'm on a hydration break.

Did you order this matcha with extra dirt?

It seems you either grow old gracefully or look as if you're having a severe reaction to a bee sting

Me: Can someone take a look at this rash? The other people at the bus stop:

time for my favorite game: are they spider bites, poison ivy or an allergic reaction

Maybe if they started calling it blood no-pressure, people would be a lot healthier

For every 100 salads I eat for lunch I get to have 1 dose of heroin.

If Representative Kean can take four paid months off of work in Congress to work on his mental health while receiving top-quality inpatient care, why is every single American not entitled to free healthcare?

I like to yell MACBETH in the late innings of a no-hitter just to mix things up

Me: *doing my kegels* Proctologist: I won’t ask again, please stop doing that

Woodstock, NY June 30, 2026.

“Intelligent design”? How absurd. Just look at this hangnail.

It’s not kinky until a netti pot’s involved

What if Rio didn’t like to dance. What then?

she died as she lived flipping the bird and clutching a fistful of cheese

I’m a pretty chill neighbor but I get an intense thrill out of reporting the walking twat dryer with a trump flag and BDENRG license plates for having his boat parked on the street too long.

I'm pretty weird, so I think I know what I'm talking about if I say you're weird.

Me: I’m tired My brain: turn on the tv Me: but I need sleep My brain: go pay some bills Me: I’m so exhausted My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes

Home, fed, and using a stylus to "draft" shitposts in the dust on my end table.

You use too many words. Calm down.

Refused to hear= original verdict stands.

A beautiful tribute to the man of the century, a Mel Brooks #snakeeyes

This is your reminder to keep your butthole hydrated.

What base is it when they ask you for your closest airport?

Corey Feldman looks like he’s about to say he doesn’t care if my friends and I drink, as long as we do it at the house