i've learned that honesty is the best policy when i'm summoned by HR but also to be carefully vague

You can splash down in my ocean if you wanna

You're allowed to be treated how you want to be treated. I, for example, would like to be treated like a large bowl of potato salad

If I were as smart as I think I am I would be unstoppable

very misleading to call something that small a gravy boat

This day in history. 2015. Florence Welch of Florence + The Machine broke her foot jumping off the stage at Coachella and for the next seven weeks of her tour had to be wheeled onstage strapped to a hand-cart like Hannibal Lecter.

i'll see your one insomnia and raise you two narcolepsies

one thing I will not do is complain *immediately chokes to death on the complaints lodged in my throat*

That little piece of love I have left? It's for me

I don’t want to be famous, I just want everyone to love me and give me special treatment

It's a simple kaleidoscope, no mirrors, no turning, no color. It helps if you believe in it but I don't and look at me, still making a receipt out of milk and food coloring

we need a bluesky secret handshake

I did not set out to be this annoying.

My stripper name is Sticky Cheeto Fingers.

Being added unwillingly to a group chat is a human rights violation.

I'm writing my own eulogy because I don't want my family to say I was a control freak.

maybe his next move will be putting Vance in charge of hiding the Epstein Files

I don't answer the door. I don't even look to see who it is. Anyone I might open my door to already has a key. I have a parcel drop box for Amazon, and anyplace else I order from (food) has a tracking app for deliveries.

Harry Potter probably didn't learn a single card trick at that stupid school

You aren’t special I disappoint everyone

Testing the limits of how many hours a human being can withstand working with power point

crossing my eyes while the hygienist is cleaning my teeth

'Hurt Me Bad (In a Real Good Way)' is my favorite Patty Loveless song about BDSM

This day in history. 2001. In a FIFA World Cup qualifying match Australia defeated American Samoa 31-0 with winger Archie Thompson scoring 13. What the hell, I'm sure he said, there's no Nobel prize for sportsmanship.

My bladder control is so good I can remove it from my body to run errands

if i could have an exotic pet it would be a meerkat that brings me snacks

I’d like to officially announce that the scale and I are no longer on speaking terms. She knows what she did.

The full name of the space mission is Artemis II: Electric Boogaloo

Of course I’m judgemental. I have to work with the public daily.

What I miss most from my youth is hope that things would get better.

They should invent a pair of pants that has it all figured out

What happened to the internet that stayed up after midnight?

Every psychic storefront looks like they never have any customers. You think they'd know not to go into that business

You’ve disabled replies but there’s a typo in the post. What’s a person to do.

I used to see our flag and think awww. Now I use it as a tool to spot insane people

Your podcast is the reason I don't mind if my phone goes to 0% battery.

I'm sorry, certain movies only evoke memories of boobs.

Had to do math in my head, please pray for me during this difficult time

“My curse has been lifted,” I flirted.

🎶 Insomnia, ya no say daddy me Snow me I go blame I lick he boom-boom down

Quick say something funny!

Cloacachella, amirite

It hurts my heart when I hear someone pronounce it “nitch” 🥺

Longing.

I just wanna lay in the back of a pickup truck in the middle of a field and stare at the stars

Ok, that’s it, I’m done. (seductively)

Farts instead of air quotes

eenie meenie veni vidi vici mo