Sesame Street taught me to count to twelve, but in the most dramatic way possible

Sperm donor? I’m a goddamned sperm philanthropist.

More male podcasters getting punched in the face, please

when you get to heaven and they show you how much time you spent on the toilet

I remember in my 20s when I realized my Dad was into some really cool music back in his day, bands like The Coasters & The Jive Five, I realized how important music was. It was entertainment but it was also survival for the performers & the observers & society. It made everyone better.

a taco is a sandwich a hotdog is a sandwich a gyro is a sandwich but a tostada is a tostada

Coffee maker malfunctions, steps in cat puke, signs DNR.

my intestines are gurgling with holiday cheer

Smoking that yule log like it owes me money

I sit on a bench eating a spicy sandwich from Popeye’s. I see a group of angry chickens approaching. One of them pulls out a knife. In that moment, I know I’m fucked.

Fell asleep watching a Charlie Brown Christmas if anyone spoils the ending you’re blocked forever

Sometimes the best Christmas present a person can give you, is their absence.

Even when sex is bad, it’s still pretty good.

I can be optimistic, but never when the world is looking.

I can write better than this but I don't want to be the one the aliens abduct and force to punch up their ultimatums.

It’s important to treat all human beings with respect and dignity but on the other hand I’ve met other human beings and no thanks.

my follow backs are vibe based idk what you want from me

i just saw the rockettes at radio city music hall ! 𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ'𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

Whatever the fuck gets you through it…

Me (tying back air dried humid hair, kicking tumbleweed aside and flipping empty desk for good measure): Ok I'm here, what's next? Monday:

herniated disc jockey is this something

you can’t hurt me currently cuddling with two purring kittens

Driving the roundabout in reverse would fix me.

Use your brain. In this economy?!

I’m so sick of acting like everything is ok.

That last cup of coffee in the carafe should come with floss.

eating spaghetti on da beach

I miss those halcyon days when politicians went about their greed and grift quietly and without fanfare

shredded cheese is just regular cheese that likes to brag about its workout routine

I so love getting together with all of my adult children at the same time so they can try do outdo with stories of everything I did wrong.

Relax, it’s just a skeet not a declaration.

everything i know about hunting i learned against my good will

Overheard a kid on the bus - his mate goes, "you wee cunt you fell asleep" and the kid's like "nah, i was just being nonchalant" Anyway i'm stealing this line for work

Here we go again.

*unmutes you sees you're still a stark raving loon mutes you again*

How many Christmas songs does it take to get to the center of the seasonal depression?

To whoever bought me these bot followers for Christmas: Please stop. I'm allergic.

the real gift this holiday is you guys thanks for keeping the spirit bright

thank you for coming to my TED talk.

I’d always known that my wife had difficulty admitting mistakes, but one day in 2016, I pointed out that she’d entered our address incorrectly into the GPS. She denied it, and we arrived at the home of a lovely elderly couple named Burt and Anna, whom we’ve lived with ever since.

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddamn buy cookies.

doctor: do you wake at night to pee? me: what's the alternative?

It's hard not to take it van personally but my neighbor put a no bozos sticker on a window only I can see blasting van halen as I sit on the porch eating brown m&m's

The only part of my body I can't reach is the part that itches.

I was born to wake up because my horse is nudging me next to a cold campfire not a Samsung alarm tone

adding ominous music to my posts

If somebody asks you what's updog, the correct answer is dug (the dog from up)

Teachers used to tell us as kids, "There are no stupid questions," and I truly believed it until Reddit came along.

Gifts for those of the Utilitarian faith