those birthday cards from cats are the funniest thing to me. a cat wouldn’t send a birthday card. a cat would step on your boob and vom on your favorite rug.

Neighbor: what breed is he? Me *making eye contact with my dog the whole time*: an Ok Dane

Trying to spend more time out in nature. I'm burying bodies, but still.

i don’t want to earn a living, i just want to pet cats

I will drive four hours to the ocean in the middle of the night just to throw my phone into the waves at dawn if any of you ever accuse me of being overly dramatic.

not many people know this but in order to get a verification checkmark on bluesky you have to kill another verified user and take theirs

Narrator: Another long day circles down the drain *dramatic pause* as does our will to live *overly dramatic music*

my boss is putting a running wheel in my enclosure tomorrow

them: there's an app for that me: i asked for nothing and you gave even less them: me: *walks away*

Don't obsess over guillotines, we need to have fun with it, think catapults

you can create a ton of personal space with an oar

Back to life back to reality youtu.be/TB54dZkzZOY?...

So are all ghosts geofenced to the area of their demise? Like can they cross state lines? Obtain a passport and haunt foreign countries? What are the rules here?

Is your home too calm and lacking just a hint of chaos? There’s a cat for that

*me gazing out upon the majestic beauty of nature as the sun crests the horizon casting warm light across the verdant fields* This is bullshit

I bought the wrong potato chips *flips table*

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

I decided to smile through the pain. Turns out pain smiles back—and it has a flamethrower.

I’ve had a steady stream of customers today interrupting my reading. Don’t mind at all. I need more to come in.

didn’t mean to laugh so loud when the pharmacist asked if I might be pregnant

Saw your man gathering dust in the darkened corner of an abandoned warehouse

Demure? No, we stay feral up in this bitch.

Life got you down? There’s a nap for that.

I was helping my kid with his English homework and I told him that C. S. Lewis' full name was Crime Scene Lewis and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Gonna put a collection plate on the counter for the next time I need to get gas

Apparently the only thing I’m good at is mental illness.

yeah my only remaining life goal is to remember how to use lay and lie correctly until I lay down to die

Sorry we can’t be friends. You look like you like country music way too much.

As cheez-its get in my belly so these are the days of our lives

Shes a ten but she’s crawling out of a river and over soft moss with an unnatural and growing smile. She opens her mouth and you hear music you half-remember from a dream. Her hands are cold but you take them anyways. She’s a ten but you’ve forgotten how to swim

Hiring manager: And what would you say your greatest weakness is? Me: Fire

My senior class field trip was to a minimum security prison.

I want one of those tshirt cannons but it like shoots food into people's mouths from a great distance. I'd be shooting burritos at everyone

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam.

Scrolling my media tells you all you need to know about me

doing nothing is self care

Walking to a more cowbell beat

Do that thing I like* *go away

app that turns on a lightbulb above your head when you think of a good skeet

Snack eyes instead of snake eyes. Call that hungry eyes.

Me: Am I a bad person? My cat fucked up off a fat line of catnip: 😵‍💫

Why do you ruin all the beautiful landscape pictures with your stupid face? *Me looking through your travel pics.

what do you mean animals cant talk? they talk to me maybe they dont like you

After a long weekend away, it feels good to come home to my babies (mega stuf oreos)

When I'm eating a shared dessert I'm always thinking 3 bites ahead of my opponent.

just got back from a guilt trip and i gotta say, not a fan

Don’t forget that drag queens love Chick-Fil-A too. This song can easily get stuck in one’s head. My friends would say, “let’s get some Jesus chicken!” Chow Down (at Chick-fil-A) youtu.be/sO-msplukrw?...

If you think my skeets are bad you’d be right.

No matter how bad things get, my big soft bed is always there for me. That's true friendship

It's hard to be happy these days knowing that a lot of hippos go to bed hungry hungry.