And that's how Regina George died.

I haven't been this stoned since I was dating Medusa.

at your third rodeo you turn into a never ending rotation of Tombstone quotes

celebrity sighting: the moon

I can't explain it but I deserve to get off the plane first

thinking of saying one or two swear words this weekend

My five-year goal? To become just famous enough that Garbage Pail Kids make a card about me.

There should be a reality show about necromancers

When I think of Bohemian Rhapsody, I see Mike Myers in Wayne's World. Yes, I'm aging.

First date idea leave my body at the dump.

[worst possible stuff happening everywhere] man why do I feel bad

Bed Bath & Buddy I Tell You What

Oh crap, I accidentally said exactly what I wanted to, again.

Another day, another *flatlines*

all this money in the world and you can’t even send me $10,000

For whom the chalk outlines

some of you shouldn’t be allowed to procreate. if you had to Google what procreate means, then it's you

Look, I'll have a weekend but I will not make it great... that's where I draw the line

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

Watching M3gan 2.0. This is the dumbest shit ever. I love it so much.

I'm finally watching M3GAN 2.0. If you're curious about the tone, M3GAN hijacks a smart car and the Knight Rider theme starts playing.

More than a little disappointed that M3GAN 2.0 (2025) was action & not horror.

you should probably clean up all this existential dread, we’ve got company coming over later

I always feel like I’m forgetting something, but it’s actually always several things

[me to myself] alright ya nerd calm down

[talking to neighbor] hey I couldn’t help but notice your house is right next to mine

big plans tonight (absolutely nothing)

I can achieve anything I set my mind to unless it’s slightly inconvenient.

I got my paycheck today & so did my car insurance

feeding my cat some freeze dried chicken so he can pretend he’s on a space station

I appear to be in the Home Alone basement with the terrifying furnace.

[at my roast] “are you all mad at me”

I’m not lost. I’m just exploring every possible wrong direction with style.

Kidnapper: your going in the trunk Me: *you’re

*drags you back to my lair to feed you brownies and ice cream while we watch movies*

Dog houses just got bigger and bigger and now they have kitchens and bathrooms and people live in them too

Showing up to the ER complaining of general malaise

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984)

Terrible wailing and gnashing coming from stomach. Probably nothing

After the week I’ve had, I deserve a brisket & cheese filled potato

*deliberately goes out of my way to neither like nor subscribe*

PBS Kids presents Norman Read Us with Norman Reedus

is my dead bug collection weird if i don’t have them on display

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

I served Greek cheese at dinner. It feta family of four.

I apologize to anyone who has read my posts.

Doctor: Read the chart for me. Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation? Doctor: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

[bank teller describing me to the police] He was really out of breath, couldn’t carry a lot of money. Had Shrek stickers on his gun…called it a SHREK-9.

You likely might not suspect, but you're reading the words of a dude who just bought a bag of dirt.