Proudly pushing mediocrity to great heights since September 1968.

Farts and blames it on your Mom.

I think my dog’s a math wiz. I asked her what ten minus ten is and she said nothing.

(before sex) it's pronounced gif

bottling my flop sweat and storing it in the bunker to remember the good old days

The to be continueds of the mind always know what's next, a defense mechanism cliffhanger. Will you temporarily forget to live in constant recap? Spoiler alert: only when you've accepted skipping yourself

not my fault 69 is the perfect temperature in my car and apartment

Missed carousel boarding: you were the dolphin with a saddle, I didn't even know they made those. And I just choked from opposable thumb awe in my blowhole

My skeets are, and always will be, ad free

sometimes i forget we aren’t all in the same time zone and see posts from like 2am my time & think “WOW some of you really don’t have a good sleep schedule”

turned on the opening ceremonies and i looks like an acid flashback i had once

Immaculate conception, but it’s just a mystery bruise…

Everytime I tune into current events I google how much a lobotomy costs

someone showed me a pic of sabrina carpenter with the muppets but i couldn’t find her

My whistle stop tour: I travel around the country and folks everywhere beg me to stop whistling.

one of those family stick figure appliqués for your car window only they’re all hot dogs

"Bloody snow", me 53 times a day

Just read someone use the phrase ‘serious conservative thinker’ without a hint of irony or an acknowledgment that it’s a huge oxymoron.

I think I'm going to finish all of my skeets for the week with, "for fuck's sakes." For fuck's sake.

Watching a French thing and basically they are like us but with more scarves.

let’s eat mall pretzels and watch 80’s flicks

The odds of me getting picked up by a fake taxi driven by your mum are low, but never zero

My in-laws can't make it in for the weekend now due to bad weather. I'm okay with it. They should stay safe in their home far far away from here.

Why call him Jake, a Deep Space Nine character portrayed by Cirroc Lofton, rather than Sisko Kid?

my husband is upset i have another relationship reader: that relationship is with myself

Baseball has a lot of innuendo but the one I relate to most is foul balls.

Normalize burping in applause instead of clapping

Reminder, have sex with your wife.

Humans are social animals. But what if we’re not?

[bursts into liquor store] oh no I’m remembering things, please help

but that’s my emotional support misinformation

Brain is buffering. Please hold

I kinda wanna get right with the lord but I also want to throat punch people so you see my dilemma

If I am elected we will destigmatize eating a really good-smelling chapstick

I cannot even pretend that I am not both soft and wild — Fragile as fire on a cold night

longing to give you my blank stare

Well, what fuckery does this catastrophic era of doom have in store for us today? Ah, I mean, good morning.

Captain's log, star date -297280.1004883308, today was a good day, so I am having an evening cup of coffee to celebrate

Strange tuning on cheap strings.

Give me back my stick, dammit!

i was born in 1981 but there are 17 vowels in my first name so i pass as 28

hi is this where I apply for the shitposter position

Someone asked me about a movie I’d seen. I didn’t remember it. That’s definitely a bad review.

Be the funny awkward silence breaker you want to see in the world

Hire an accordionist to start playing at family gatherings when you want to signal the guests it’s time for them to leave.

Can we stop calling them ‘sex pests’ and just stick with ‘predators’ Please and thank you

If we were to bring back dueling, we would have a lot less offended people.

I have the heart of a lion ᶠᶦˢʰ

It sounded like the wind was howling, but Mom's nose was whistling.

Now, a message from Rev. Thurl H. "Skeet" Ravenscrof. Vodka Shot Bingo 7p to floor. Vaseline 16 oz jar $4.99. Spatulas $2.99 each. Double Stuf Oreos $3.99. Sale ends Sunday. God bless.