I have the heart of a lion ᶠᶦˢʰ

It sounded like the wind was howling, but Mom's nose was whistling.

Now, a message from Rev. Thurl H. "Skeet" Ravenscrof. Vodka Shot Bingo 7p to floor. Vaseline 16 oz jar $4.99. Spatulas $2.99 each. Double Stuf Oreos $3.99. Sale ends Sunday. God bless.

Whenever my son tells me we need to hang out more, I know he's guilting me into helping him bury another body.

don’t use all your good times up when you’re young

She blinded me with ice picks

Everyone stay calm, I’ve got this *hands out cheese*

Searching for productive ways to make it all go away

the long and winding road head

My insecurities go back so far, they come with wood paneling.

Watched a TikTok from a soccer mom who said everything will be OK because white middle-class women are finally angry and I'll start stocking the bunker as soon as I stop laughing.

popping popcorn and cranking up tom petty's free fallin' as i hit refresh on the bitcoin chart

I like to sit alone in a room and enjoy a bag of lozenges

Thursday implies the existence of IronMan'sday.

If I knew anything about water coolers do you really think I'd be hanging around the bird bath asking how to splash for myself when they talk dirty about me at work

I suppose one good thing these days is that no one asks for doggy bags anymore

pepsi ceo: we need a tagline for Mountain Dew marketing guy: how about Just Dew It pepsi ceo: that’ll never catch on marketing guy: ok what about Do the Dew pepsi ceo: that’ll do marketing guy: what pepsi ceo: what

you can tell someone's net worth by how they email. for instance if it says something like "thx for teh trafficked kids on the island this we=kend", that's a billionaire

[Inventing Zebras] God: *bored* What was the last one again? Angel: The Horse God: Yeah that, but this time with stripes

Sorrow so much salt sowed earth.

Sorry, sorry. The tiny version of your avatar made you look pretty cute but I zoomed in and now I realize it's a photo of a dead raccoon.

Right now the only thing keeping me reading Wuthering Heights is the conviction that they are all going to get exactly what they deserve.

So tell me about yourself. Okay, that's enough.

It's chilling how much we've empowered our nation's large rodents to cast such a long shadow over weather prediction.

pls stop talking shit on light mode users if you want us to laugh at your jokes we gotta be able to read them

Before social media you could really only follow one person at a time and it got pretty stressful whenever they got near the closet you were hiding in

Today, I shall mostly be adding little moustaches and monocles to all the illustrations of spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

"Fuck me running" is just an expression. It's not a competitive event.

I fear I may be suffering from restless mind syndrome.

Say any word enough times in a row and it eventually sounds stupid.

Don’t bet on Dinner in dance battles. It always gets served.

Magic mushrooms my ass. I ate some and nothing magical happened for the entire 2,000 years I spent living on a rainbow and herding unicorns.

how many episodes of The Pitt do i need to watch so my parents will feel proud of me

They took my feelings out and molded them into something so bizarre and abstract that the museum insists on displaying them, but I can't know how to feel about that anymore

I do not play well with others, apparently.

When you get old, people stop asking if you want to buy any drugs

god, there is never any time to recover from the world

Hanging out as liquid inside a spray can until some graffiti wizard feels inspired to spray me into being another matter entirely

Welp, invading Europe wasn't on my bingo card.

As I get older I've come to realize there is no position I can be in without some part of my body falling asleep.

In France, they say “bifler” for slapping a face with a dick. Anyway. How’s your day going?

your beaver is eager? my beaver’s a bush leaguer we are not the same

the moon is still out here being all slutty

“I don’t understand how a famous journalist didn’t realize Clark Kent is just Superman in glasses!” Well I don’t understand how many journalists don’t recognize the President is a fat pedophile in a suit, but here we are

BREAKING: The Worst People You Know Are Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much Worse Than You Know

If men could put a hole in fucking you over they'd fuck that too

I'm always surprised to open a can of evaporated milk and find anything there.

Chase them all into their billion-dollar hidey-holes and brick up the doors behind them. Tell em there’s a fancy cask of wine in there, I don’t know.

6yo: you eat McDonald’s too much, you’re going to get fat. Me: my dude, I AM fat