We are gathered here today to ask why the hell did we enter the room?

I’ve never related to anything as much as Ruth on Ozark saying “I don’t know shit about fuck”.

Taking bets on how long it takes me to lose my shit today

the revolution will be monetized

Super weird that my landlord won't let me pay him with bad vibes & ancient prophecies.

If the TikTok rapture takes Larry Ellison and the Murdochs, then it can’t happen too soon.

I’ve always been a closer. Good or bad, I bring the end with me.

I put baby oil on my screen so I can skeet faster.

I didn’t do anything today *checks that off to do list*

Jesus: love thy neighbor Christians throughout history: Ok, so conquer the world & kill anyone who gets in the way, force people into slavery and elect Trump? Got it! Jesus: wtf

Jesus: No one can predict the date of my return. An apostle: Is it September 23, 2025? Jesus: Damnit.

is it even a horror movie if you don't double check all of the locks on the doors in your house before you go to bed?

Ever looked at dragonfly wings under a microscope, there's a little bumper sticker that says honk if you're wetlands

maybe he’s cake remember when everything was cake? has anyone checked maybe the whole regime is cake

got scammed by some fucking hippy band. knew i shouldn’t have opened that email from Phish

If we don't get a full rapture, can we at least have Heaven's Gate 2 as a treat?

Went 0-1 in my extremely brief bear wrestling career.

If birth control was made of chocolate, there'd be no unplanned pregnancies.

For introverts, music is the most reliable shoulder to cry on.

I’m am independent thinker who questions everything, so excuse me if I don’t blindly accept the official narrative that “it’s 10 o’clock” and I’m “two hours late for work and obviously hungover.”

Don't worry, you'll find the lost scissors when you'll be searching for your glasses

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs? Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

Call me unhinged, but I just ordered six books on minimalism.

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting? Me: I have and it's unrelenting. Friend: Sounds awful. Me: It is. I'm haunted by all of the desserts I never ate. Friend: Me: That chocolate cheesecake in 1996 is the most terrifying.

when are we going to have a national conversation about the horrors of addiction to competitive baking shows?

If I tell you about a show I'm watching and you say "oh like the game"... I have no idea what you're talking about, nerd

blade runner is my favorite movie about mishandling scissors

If a genie asks you to choose between true love and free daily pizza, what kind of cheese are you getting on it?

This email could have been a shared look in a meeting.

I really thought I was gonna have to stop, drop and roll more in my life.

you're my pocket person and I love you *puts you back in my pocket

It's Hobbit Day! Celebrate by growing hair on your feet! It's also my birthday—I already have hairy feet, as I am a Hobbit

My friend said you're all assholes.

The high road is the much more difficult path, but at least it's also lonely.

I aspire to be the level of wealthy where I don’t need to worry about reusing ziplocks

Hey so what time does the rapture start exactly? Like do I stay up with some sparklers and do a countdown like we do on New Year’s? What time of day are we looking at? Kinda important

*enters an MMA tournament listing my primary discipline as feng shui*

No I haven’t found Jesus, did you look behind the couch?

I'm weirder than AI art, so there's that.

The downside of turning into a pumpkin at midnight is having to turn back into a person come the morning.

I’ve been carpooling for three weeks and I’m really starting to miss crying in the parking lot.

I like being a hidden gem.

you should buy a new shower head . no pressure .

brian was starting to think that maybe his mom wasn’t coming back

when you live your life waiting for something to happen, you miss out on the beautiful little things that are already happening

I'm preemptively hating this week.

kickin my feet as I sit on top of the gates of hell waiting for you

Move along darling I'm not the nightmare you're looking for..

sliding into 80s music DMs…

i dont think im annoying enough i should become a mime