There are some things you just can't set aside.

In Hell there are no good haircuts.

Now, a message from Julie Lavender Menace: Milk And Cookies Pilates 7p to floor. Rev. Dr. Ravenscrof will take candy from a baby and give it to a hooker. God bless.

[sting] okay roxanne baby rents getting expensive time to turn on that red light

If you won $10 for second place in beauty contest.. you might be a redneck.

working in aviation has its ups and downs

“You only hate in others what you see in yourself.” OK, well I hate the part of you that reminds me of the part of me that ran off with my wife.

i was a regifted child

- Am I the only one who... - No, you're not the only one. Shut the fuck up.

Smart, but not enough to stop putting lotion on my hands and then trying leave the room right away. The doorknob won't turn! Stuck forever.

if you can have your soup in a bowl made of bread why can’t I have my coffee in a cup made of cinnamon coffee crumble cake

three seasons in and Ted still hasn’t used a lasso wtf

Extra hour of sleep?!? Bladder time wins the day

sry my cat said I can’t play with you anymore said somethin bout the vibe is off

stick a fork in me, im a toaster

1 Trillion ways to say fuck off

Everybody is so desperate for that interstellar comet to be an alien ship, what if it's just cake?

If it was over then, it's not all over now. In confetti terms it's celebrate continuously. Be regretted, be all over the place, be too impossible to be all gotten. Floors though. Like I'm not living cluttered to the fullest

Why the rich don't like using the subway

When mom catches me swearing she washes my mouth out with cilantro.

Take that thought and shave it down...wax it... laser it...bare bones it

Sometimes, when I can't sleep I imagine something living undiscovered in the deep ocean rising up and defeating AI at the last moment.

I kiss my biceps after each skeet

I just love fall. Bathing in pumpkin spice latte, eating crunchy leaves, eating sweaters knitted from the hair of my neighbors. Hard to pick a favorite really.

Reverse cowgirl so I can subtly remove the “kick me” sign someone taped to your back

my incubus woke me up all night with his restless leg syndrome

You don’t get a body like mine by sitting around on the couch. You also have to eat tons of junk food.

My online girlfriend and I have been sexting so much she got pregnant, and honestly, I couldn’t be happier.

I don’t mind skorts but I prefer blousers.

Didn't they also put decals on the White House interior glass doors so Dubya wouldn't walk into them?

You're officially old when she sends you a nude selfie and all you're interested in is what kind of pizza in the box behind her.

I mean..do I really really really need this job?

Woke up sanity adjacent again.

Rebelling against my teen going to a baptist church by blasting Chappell Roan when I pick him up from Wednesday night youth group

potty training a unicorn ain’t easy

I really don't think that every celebrity has to post about every celebrity who dies. I'm OK, that's the important thing.

Woke up like this -- tired and annoyed.

Cake’s 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦 is my favorite song about online relationships.

I just read that this full moon will bring tons of money to Pisces, so yeah, my time has come. Totally unrelated, I’m not a Pisces. But I read it, so it counts.

Been thinking about getting into yoga but I can't find a place that does it in the nude.

For real, someone just slid into my DMs on this inflight entertainment app. Is nothing sacred anymore?!

“Cleaning up”, for teens, comes under their five year plans.

As a stay home dad, one of my jobs is to keep my wife's stomach full and her uterus empty.

i post only for my friends in the morning because anybody who sleeps through them are the enemy

I once accidentally introduced two Gregs to each other

I think my sleep paralysis demon is mad at me. It keeps covering up my temperature regulating foot and making me too warm.

Thursday? Feels like fourth Monday.

Art teacher: I think you've misunderstood. It's the models who will be nude. Me: Well this is awkward.

was it my way, it was my way wasn’t it

Can't. Spending the day at my parents changing all their analog clocks.