Anything you can do, I can do louder.

Me (tying back air dried humid hair, kicking tumbleweed aside and flipping empty desk for good measure): Ok I'm here, what's next? Monday:

spent all night running from dumbos pink elephants and mickeys sorcerer brooms. disney 1, sleep 0.

clocking in high because this week is covered by a claus.

Who can tell with certain amount of certainty what's not AI anymore

Not to brag, but I boiled the right amount of pasta. Once. Five years ago

I’ve stopped weighing myself, I’ve decided to fatten myself up just like a good turkey.

I like to throw a little bit of sparkle by stopping someone who’s halfway through saying merry Christmas by saying “Oh fuck off” My soul appreciates it.

For the 5127th time I have to remind my cat her breakfast is not in my bedroom where I'm getting dressed, but in the kitchen where I just gave it to her.

One day they’ll tell your story, and my only wish is that they won’t be able to finish it without also telling mine.

I don’t want you to be mine. I want you to be yours with me.

If you're serious about your skin barrier, you'll install a barbed wire fence all over your face. Ain't nothing getting through there now.

Sorry, boss, can't do any work because I need to keep an eye on that runaway reindeer for Santa.

If you’re good you go to heaven. But if you’re really good you go to dog heaven.

ABAB (All Billionaires Are Bastards)

But what if dolphins are evil?

As a former swords addict, it’s hard to see words like Block and Repost and not feel an urge to unsheathe.

*gives you a fist bump and a star sticker after sex

Oh no, I forgot to send out Christmas cards for the 40th year in a row

I think I just accidentally sneezed out one of my demons. May the flu be with him.

Of course I cut myself shaving. I was using Occam's Razor.

it’s cold today I should put a hot tub in front of my desk

terrifying cheese hunter *clever girl noises*

That last cup of coffee in the carafe should come with floss.

Machine Gun Kelly lips - is this something?

I’m so sick of acting like everything is ok.

Hard work may not kill me but it's not a risk I'm prepared to take.

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad? Me: Ice cream

Dropped my mechanical pencil and tried to catch it between my thighs. Successful....also bleeding now.

Interviewer: How are your interpersonal skills? Me: Wait, does this job require dealing with people? The job posting didn’t say anything about dealing with people. Interviewer: … Me: I mean, they’re very strong.

To whoever bought me these bot followers for Christmas: Please stop. I'm allergic.

If you don't want me at my cliché you can't see how my sausage gets made

Clare has kinda agreed to talk, she said "tha e gu math" which is the same thing

just had a bowl of cheerios and gotta say there’s absolutely nothing cheery about them

Trying to hold on while the world is spinning off its axis.

Welp. This wine ain’t gonna fortify itself. If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen making sugar syrup and reducing cherry juice and adding both to some red wine and kirschwasser and vodka.

I've seen better solstices.

nothing says "kick me” like wearing a sweater with bells on it

burritos they're what's for dinner

I’m like the anti-Helen of Troy with a face to launch a thousand shits.

At what point did being completely wrong start counting as an “opinion”? Claiming vaccines cause autism isn’t an opinion. It’s utter bullshit. And then they say, “Well, that’s my opinion, you have to respect it.” No. I don’t have to respect stupidity. Fuck off.

After a person is unmasked as a serial killer, the neighbors always say he was quiet and seemed nice. So at least I know my neighbors aren’t serial killers.

The true Kennedy curse is that the absolute worst one is still living.

If you think I won't double-down after making terrible decisions, let me introduce you to my second child

Reverse cowgirl so we can keep line dancing

I have the day off to catch up on everything I fell behind on in life, so naturally I will be laying in bed doing nothing, only to wake up in the morning with an impending sense of doom, followed by an immediate complaint of needing a day off to catch up on everything I fell behind on in life.

Spirits are out but they're not the same as the one you want to get into. Sure, they're around and you can't say that about most abandoning darkness it's just that natural worlds have cute words like lightsies

There should be forms of adult verification other than those associated with chronological age. For example, people should have to prove they know what a joke is before being allowed to reply.

We're going to make our own CDC, with blackjack and hookers.

if i were in charge there's no way anyone would know who the fuck jake paul is