A box of Actiq lollipops would be lovely right about now.

black cornflower in bloom

🎶sometimes i feel like a nut other times i feel like a nut🎶

I have three clients who have written books. The first was okay. The second, terrible. The third, I haven't read. That one's my favorite.

Ha! In your face! I chided from my bed Whilst delightfully thumping the taco

The only thing that keeps me going is pure stubbornness. And maybe a little hope. It's day to day.

Time for you to finally learn what sarcasm is, because I refuse to keep putting "Just kidding" at the end of everything.

Good morning to everyone waking up alone and tormented.

him: it’s never too late me: that’s something late people say

unblocked my brane drain and it was spitting out all kinds of equations but luckily the black holes will recycle any kind of loose jumble

there’s never a quantum mechanic around when you need one and when you don’t they’re everywhere, haunting you

once cars go sentient i’ll be out of here like a horse and cart

Such grace

the shadow from the lil guy on my phone 🤣

I'm the opposite. I'm like barbie on the outside & elvira on the inside 💖🖤

Thawing an edible out, as one does

My tummy hurts *eats dinner* My tummy hurts more

Sleep is overrated, she lies

Jesus Christ is there anyone on this website who isn’t an insomniac?

Sorry I’m not a better person, but this is what an entirely unsupervised child of the 70s and 80s looks like.

Always talk to the wife during sex, well, as long as she has her phone with her.

The Doctor told me to stop smoking so I've given up Bacon..

whose still eating Cheetos after seeing the vid yesterday? happy to say I've never had them, hopefully the uk doesn't add that sort of stuff to Wotsits..

cthulhu: so where do you see yourself in the future? me: where you're sitting

*passes the story stick* and there were times in the creaking annals of history when screaming Yeah for too long or spelling potato with an E ruined one’s political career *frightened gasps emit from the congress of sentient apes*

I make an awful lot of sex noises for someone not having sex

Am I the fucker or the fuckee in this scenario

How do I get rid of the go live button? Holy fuck this is a disaster waiting to happen.

Nice

Good God Lemon, Comrade Connery has a rogue Soviet submarine! (There’s more submarines in this movie than women, also it’s craftsmanship is terrific.)

The dirt will come out in the wash, it always does.

Sorry I can’t, plucking my nipples tonight.

I'm so happy 'cause today I found my cheese It’s in my head I'm so cheesy but that's okay 'cause so are you

existing just to freak people out

Load up on cheese, bring your friends It's fun to shred and to grate She's over-bored, and self-assured Oh no, I know a cheesy word

Sometimes, when there is too much on your plate, it is acceptable to throw the entire plate away.

I think over half of the men in my family survive on pure stubbornness. I’m here for it I’m glad they’re alive but holy fucking shit.

i love the world cup because i learn of countries i've never heard of like cabo verde which i assumed was a seaside resort in baja california when it's actually a collection of islands off the coast of senegal

I stay away from people who don't need meds and drink decaf coffee . . . those people scare me.

These are all jokes please don’t arrest me

Tell me.. CAN YOU SMELL THE OIL,Clarice ? (Venezuela war crimes)

left out three jars of piss instead of the usual two and authorities were like, word! you’re in

ME: this is where the magic happens *opens my car where I regularly eat a bucket of fried chicken on my lunch break while in tears*

during sex Her: Are… are you making race car noises? Me: Pshhh, no, of course not. *quietiy vroom

If I miss the point I’ll ignore whatever it is in its entirety, to hide my stupidity of course.

I never wanted human children so my dogs are my kids.

Please ma’am, my trees, they're poplar