Mercedes are a lot like boobies, dad bods, dicks, hearts, personalities, skeletons in the closet, the bigger the better.

Motorboating season is almost here! Also boating season is almost here.

Whoops, deleted a banger again.

Everyday we live the obvious reality of our ineptitude while talking heads gaslight us into blaming something else.

This remains a relationship advice account. You’re welcome 😎

a gentle reminder: loving is not a strategy.

oops my thumb unfollowed you

hey babes you got something on ya face

mmmm stick

rude of me to wake up

Going to church by watching little house on the prairie

Sending this to Russell Brand

I’m not saying I’m depressed, but I’m listening to the Smiths as a pick me up.

Where you see patriotism, I find nationalism.

Fucking bots stealing my job.

Radicalized Bluesky users lose their way for not skeeting enough about buttholes. We are the treatment. Butthole is the cure.

The customers that have come in are a lot nicer than the ones in the last town. I’d have been yelled at for being out of stock of what they want. Here they just say ok & get something else.

snuck a block of cheese into my soul to trap my forever soulmate

I just inhaled the dust at the bottom of the bag and now I have Dorito vision

Well, the good news is most of us won't die from thinking too much.

At least 60% of my day is spent holding back my inappropriate thoughts.

i just want to be where the donuts are

Doing the housework would be much more satisfying if the house wasn’t “charmingly” unfinished and slightly falling down.

Going crazy is when you realize the little voice telling you to calm down is also screaming.

According to my fitness app, I burned 500 calories trying to find the right song.

It was pretty smart of Starfleet to recruit less uptight people into the military by making all their uniforms pajamas.

replacement time machine out of use, please use witchcraft

had to divert from the disinformation superhighway and drive to distraction since they canceled my flight of fancy, but it’s not far from the truth

Roses are red Violets are blue I went to the park and apparently

How many times do I have to be reminded not to wear white shirts when I go out for dinner, the sequel

Not to brag but I've appeared on loads of 'What's Hot, What's Not' lists and the verdict is pretty unanimous. I'm not.

Buyer’s remorse but it’s just the look on my wife’s face when she realised that we can’t afford a divorce.

And then one day you realise that your kids are getting home from their night out just as you’re waking up for your early morning pee and you’ll find yourself wondering what the fuck just happened.

Let's sit together and pop. I got bubble wrap.

Sorry I’m late but my dog didn’t want me to leave

America, the Movie! 🇺🇸 (For real, great film)

I’m working harder to 100% this Zelda game than I did to learn to French before I moved to Europe.

Back in my day we threw metal lawn darts at each other when we visited our grandparents because it was a fun outdoor activity with an antique. If you couldn’t focus on the immediate you might not make it. Grandpa was also a war veteran and was a little fucked up. I miss the fucker. #Memories

My neighbor's cat is in the hospital until Wednesday. I feel like I should take them a casserole or something.

If you’re gonna cause a riot, make it rememberable & come away from it unscathed.

Imagine if judges actually threw the book at people in the witness box, hilarious.

Naked & afraid, only it’s me in public before 11am.

My 4am demons have come caroling again.

I'd rather run into a burning building than someone I know

Monday

Which is perfect, actually.

But, Your Honor, he ate my cheese

QTP with a gif of the last show/movie u watched! 🎥