in 2026 I’m gunna mute instead of block you’re welcome

May the New Year 2026 not be worse than 2025 😉 Fucking Happy New Year!🥂

My 2026 un-resolution list: -Won't stop ordering unhealthy food -Won't meditate -Won't go to the gym regularly -Won't save money -Won't be a better person -Won't finish my

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate and to all who pretend not to celebrate.

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness.

Good afternoon ☀️

A very queso Christmas.

Life is a contest and we're all losing

Inside of me there are 6 geese a laying

I ate too many sweeties and now I have a headache. A memoir.

I imported my contacts for blocking purposes only.

I didn’t leave you on read. My reply was just fully redacted.

Her: Your profile said you were a special kind of dom. Me: Boredom.

I'm strictly here for the eggnog drinking contests.

I choose to battle the flu with a holistic, medicinal approach. Eating meatballs.

I can be optimistic, but never when the world is looking.

Sometimes the best Christmas present a person can give you, is their absence.

Mr. Beast, all my friends and I were saying how good at boxing you’d be

I do this thing and reassure myself it’s okay when it’s not.

To whoever bought me these bot followers for Christmas: Please stop. I'm allergic.

How many Christmas songs does it take to get to the center of the seasonal depression?

*unmutes you sees you're still a stark raving loon mutes you again*

Here we go again.

Who up dancing around a bonfire?

everything i know about hunting i learned against my good will

Overheard a kid on the bus - his mate goes, "you wee cunt you fell asleep" and the kid's like "nah, i was just being nonchalant" Anyway i'm stealing this line for work

I so love getting together with all of my adult children at the same time so they can try do outdo with stories of everything I did wrong.

Relax, it’s just a skeet not a declaration.

Just sitting here contemplating why I am the way I am. We’ll get back to you.

does not moving count as a hobby?

shredded cheese is just regular cheese that likes to brag about its workout routine

I miss those halcyon days when politicians went about their greed and grift quietly and without fanfare

eating spaghetti on da beach

That last cup of coffee in the carafe should come with floss.

Good morning ☀️

Ho ho ho, and a Merry XXXmas to you all

I’m so sick of acting like everything is ok.

Use your brain. In this economy?!

Driving the roundabout in reverse would fix me.

Asking strangers wearing Santa hats if I can sit on their laps.

I'd like to read your book cover to cover..librarian sext.

I had a dream about you last night. You’ll be hearing from my attorney.

*closes all 78 open browser tabs and deletes history on your laptop while you sleep*

I discovered this hilarious account recently but I can't find them now. They had "Mom" in their handle and a chin avi. Skeeted about wine a lot. I'll keep looking.

if you wanna learn about lizards you should start from the gecko

You should have to pay fines if you are a shitty person